SPOILER WARNING FOR SEASON 7 OF GAME OF THRONES (Sorry! My bad) Archie and the Great Bear Attack that Shouldn’t have Happened Archie is in a cabin the the woods working for the park ranger (WHERE IS HIS W2, and also WHY ISN’T FRED HERE?) and then after avoiding some strangers gets mauled by a bear (?!?!) and radios for help (WHILE GIVING NO REAL STATUS REPORT) tries to bandage himself and then passes out. Stop telling the dog everything is okay, it is not okay, the rescue workers arrive and Archie isn’t responding, and obviously he can’t be dead but that bitch isn’t super alive Betty’s Batshit House Guests All the kids are staying at Betty’s (so is Jughead) while they build a case against the Sisters and Hiram. Somehow the whole town is like broken inside because of the quarantine. This can’t just be the Fizzle Rocks. Can it? All the kids are fragile and the Nuns have taken a vow of silence. But wait, it turns out they are not connected to the Catholic church and haven’t been for like 60 years (REMINDER THAT THE CHURCH DOESN’T EVEN DEFROCK MOLESTERS SO THAT THE FUCK DID THESE BITCHES DO?) Also some weirdness about how foster care works. Also since when did Lawyer McCoy join the prosecution? Serpents are no longer Drug Dealers? Ft Cheryl and Toni’s Cat Burglary Jughead lays out the law, no more dealing drugs, no more commiting crimes. But Oops everyone’s favorite rushed plotline Toni and Cheryl have been breaking into people’s houses and stealing for the thrill of it as foreplay. Jughead offers to let Fangs back in if he goes in undercover to the Gargoyle Gang to get more info. Also FP is all “put me in coach!” and like, what? Also what? Veronica’s underground underground Club How does everyone afford these nice clothing all the time? Hiram wants the real amounts and also the egg stolen from him by Cheryl. Veronica goes to Jughead and offers him a job. FINALLY A REASON THE SERPENTS EXIST! Veronica smashes the egg and leaves a note for Hiram. Also Reggie and Veronica kissed and I give it 2 and a half stomach flips #spice JUGHEAD WHY DID YOU NOT REMOVE THE DUDE’S MASK? GIVE ME SOMETHING, LITERALLY ANYTHING

Featuring Caitlin's mother Lisa! We take this conversation deep into the childhood home of our host and you can audibly hear the ice cubes clink in Lisa's drink

Amos is back to talk all things political in Riverdale. He is here is answer the question: Did the Lodge's rig the election or win outright?

Jughead and Archie arrive at the junkyard to Gladys and JB who cooks a pig on a spit, over an open fame and listens quietly. Penny shows up and is either murdered by Mrs Jones or somehow involved in a double cross? Fred shows up to say goodbye because somehow 16 year olds get to just run away to Canada and you just as a good dad let them? And give them a dog? WHAT? Back in Riverdale Proper, hopefully NY but honestly not sure, the Vixens have a seizure. Hiram tells Veronica that she is hot shit but she can’t stop what will happen next. Cue text alerts and air raid sirens. ALSO IS THE GOVERNOR RELATED TO DILTON? (edit he is not, it is Gov Dooley not Doiley but very similar name, Plot or Not?) Then at SoQM, possible inside or outside town limits of Riverdale, Betty finally woke the fuck up and her hair is looking fabulous. She and Ethel get the other patients to leave but they don’t want to until Betty dresses up as the Griffon Queen and leads them out of Sisters. Some leftover questions: Can we trust Gladys? Is Penny really dead? Who took the Game out of Sisters? Why didn’t Alice or Polly get the G&G treatment? How old is Penny? Why has Hiram stopped worrying about killing Jughead? Was the pancake mix jingle jangle? Fizzle Rocks? Or a different drug? And why was it delivered to Greendale? When did the Serpents stop working for the Blossoms? Catch us on Instagram @swimminginsweetwater and Twitter @swimsweetwater and please Rate, Review, and Subscribe!

Mattie and Poodle from the Rivermales podcast join us today to hash it all out about Riverdale. Part one is here and you can find part two over on their Podcast: Rivermales and please for the love of GAWD listen to their other podcast Bitchcraft about CAOS. They are dirty, they are musical, they are hilarious. Here are all the bullshits Us on Instagram @swimminginsweetwater Them on Instagram @themattmarr and @jakeitorfakeit Us on Twitter @swimsweetwater Their Podcasts: Bitchcraft, Rivermales and The Dear Mattie Show (Sorry for the sound quality)

Continuing everyone's favorite game here on Riverdale: Plot or Not? Biff and Cal: “Bitch shut uuUup!” Jug and Arch happen upon a farm house. Half naked and all his EASILY IDENTIFIABLE TRAITS out in the open Archie moves bails of hay while Jughead goes into town to take photos where he runs into a bunch of tweens who are deep into meth/fizzle rock and G&G. Of course Hiram arrives and Archie has his monthly murdery feelings but Jughead talks him down and they escape. Veronica and Reggie: “You sweet sweet baby dumb dumb” Vee needs money and decides to go back to her criminal upbringing with a gambling night. Elio is winning the poker night but then Vee does a hand and wins it all back. It was a double cross planned by Hiram. Veronica ranks in the dough but it is a one trick pony, it isn’t going to bring in steady business. I can not with the Lodge family anymore. Betty and Ethel: “NoooOoooOOoOOOoOoooPE!” All the patients are given Fizzle Rock, Betty throws hers in the trash - the fact she doesn’t flush them means she is no longer allowed to be called smart anymore- but wait Ethel is her new roommate. In the medical wing Betty finds proof that she is being dosed because of instruction by HL (probs Hiram). There's a lot of running around and then some breaking Betty's will to live and now she's praying to the Gargoyle King like everyone else. Does Alice know about Sisters? Is Hiram behind the farm? Is Sisters being used as a test lab for Fizzle Rocks? Who gave young Hiram the Fizzle Rock in the first place? Catch us on all the bullshits Instagram @swimminginsweetwater or Twitter @swimsweetwater and we are on iTunes, GooglePlay, Stitcher, and Soundcloud. Rate Review Subscribe

Calling all #joyscouts! We have Tim from @gleefullytim to talk all things Riverdale in Season 1. We rehash Archie getting Grundled, Veronica's character arc, being gay in a small town, and all the musical theater references. Also the weirdness that is the Jones family dynamic. Tim runs not only his own Instagram page full of hilarity and the realism of living your truth (@gleefullytim) but also a podcast about being an adult called "The Dying Side", give it a listen and give him a follow! Our bullshit: Instagram @swimminginsweetwater Twitter @swimsweetwater, send us your questions left over from Season 1