Swordboys - Cut x Cut

Let's get ready to rumble! It's tournament time! This is what the movie has been building to, right? Or was it rescuing the Princess? Oh wait, collecting all the items of power?? The Swordboys are not very sure. There is a lot of fighting. We're not sure if it's all happening at the same time or if we are seeing it in badly-edited snippets. But the real fight is the one in Deathstalker's chambers. He and Tankini wrestle on his bed, as Tankini tries to reach for his sword. Then he has to fight He-Ham to win the tournament where the prize is you get to be the heir to an immortal being. After a fight with Kang (or was it Kang?) and a totally checked-out Jamie Madrox, we reach the epic conclusion of our first Deathstalker movie! Runtime: 00:50:47 - THE ENDNEXT UP: DEATHSTALKER 2: DUAL OF THE TITANS

What's up perverts? The Swordboys are talking Cut 2 of the original Deathstalker this week. We start off in Munkar's Harem, where our titular hero sits idly by while ladies, hopped up on turkey legs and apples, are being tossed about and assaulted by his fellow combatants, one of whom is a guy with a pig's head. Meanwhile, the kinkiness continues in Munkar's chamber, where he feeds body parts to his vomit puppet (who has a name!) and uses his magic to turn his guard into a pretty princess. This cut ends with a memorable seduction and the death of the breast-I mean-best character. You will do flips for this cut!Runtime: 00:27:36 - 00:50:47

Rick is drunk with power - the Sword of Power that is! That's because his pick is the entire DEATHSTALKER franchise! In Cut 1 of the original Deathstalker (1983), we meet a fairly problematic hero who is sent on a quest to defeat a dark wizard, save the princess and collect the Three Powers of Creation in order to "become the power" (whatever that means). Along the way, he runs into Planet of the Apes extras, sweaty rapists, elderly voyeurs, a king with no kingdom, the witch from Snow White, a weirdo in a cave that will make you say WTF, Shrek, Jason Voorhees and a Barbarian Queen with a couple of impressive assets. So grab a leg of dog, get your face tattooed but keep your hands away from the vomit puppet, embrace your inner child, and please: no riddles - the Swordboys are onto some uncharted but very horny territory here. And don't forget your sword cup!Runtime: 0:00 - 27:36

The Swordboys await their sentence at the end of their time with the famous fanfiction movie Braveheart. As they do, they dig deep into such topics as who their guy is, doing or throwing mushrooms at a public event, how to kiss with a mouthful of liquid, locking eyes with weird kids, and something about a Juicy Jerry? Hey listen, every man dies. Not every man really podcasts about sword movies. But does this movie get our sword? And what does Rick have up his sleeve for our next series?? And how soon before Jonathan and Robin cry FREEDOM!!!!!!!Runtime: 2:31:11 - END

Join the Swordboys as we sit catatonically by a river and contemplate Cut 7 of Braveheart. RSVP Campbell. And there is so much death, but on the plus side, there are so many free swords! Bobby Junior spirals emotionally as William starts literally dropping bodies. And against the advice of his closest allies, our hero steps directly into the Taint of High Treason! Will this be the end of William Wallace? Tune in next cut! Same Swordtime! Same Swordchannel!

Runtime: 2:09:53 - 2:31:11

Swordboys returns unkilled by the heathens, but we do look back...at Cut 6 of Braveheart, that is. Eddie Senior decides to use William's love of the French to trick him. But, faster than you can say New England Clam Chowder, Chef Wallace leads his Soupboys into battle yet again. But a mysterious Buckethead has joined the British ranks. Could this be William's undoing?

Runtime: 01:50:58 - 02:09:53

Time for a medal ceremony! Sorry Chewie. With no help from his sodomite cousin the prince, Mork from York is sacked and beheaded after the Riders of Rohan arrive. Meanwhile Longshanks throws Bran Stark out of a window, and Princess Isabelle and Nicolette pitch a tent for William.Runtime: 01:33:00 - 01:50:58

Soup's on! The Swordboys gather around a fire to sample some of William's audition for The Bear, seasoned from mysterious herbs hidden under his kilt. Enter Stephen: a man with God's ear, an island to himself and possibly a podcast. They stick their faces in chemical toilets and ride to Stirling for an epic battle not meant for Softboys. Is Campbell okay? Maybe we should ask Hamish's mother, amirite? Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize all the TCBOOs you ever wanted in one moment. Would you subscribe to it or just let it slip? Yo. Because you may take our free feed, but will you ever take....OUR PATREON!?!Runtime: 01:07:27 - 01:33:00

In this cut, William rides in farming aura, threshing faces with Scottish nunchucks, and leading his dirty boys in taking down Fort Shit and avenging the death of Maid Murren. Meanwhile, Lady Cluck tells tales of romance and Robert the Bruce Senior is just falling to pieces. MacAulish!!Runtime: 00:46:03 - 01:07:27

In Cut Two, the Swordboys are back in Shrek's boggy marsh, to welcome the adult William Wallace, with his clean-shaven face, perfect teeth, and stolen Highlander wig. Old William has returned to get into some good ol' rock throwing with McCloy, flip his old "house" and make a play for his childhood sweetheart. But, of course, the British cutthroats show up to destroy the vibe. Runtime: 00:21:03 - 00:46:03