In this episode, we look to identify if you could potentially have dismissive-avoidant patterns, whether you’re in the early stages of dating a dismissive-avoidant attachment style or whether you’ve been in a relationship with one for a while now. Reflecting on where I’ve noticed certain dismissive-avoidant patterns within myself as someone whose primary attachment is secure, with a secondary as dismissive-avoidant.
Now some of the things I might mention may also fall within fearful-avoidant but for the most part, this will be pretty accurate to those who are DA. Also, it’s important to mention some DA behaviours are going to play out differently from person to person and will be displayed at times on different ends of the spectrum.
If you’re not familiar with attachment styles, hopefully, this podcast inspires you to begin your process in learning more about them, to know yourself better but also to improve the quality of your relationships through a greater understanding of why people behave the way they do in certain circumstances that especially relate to responses or reactions to others.
Here are some key points I share within the podcast about those who may display DA patterns or behaviours.
- A lot of the times are super slow to warm to people. It’s a very slow burn. Do they see potential friends, fornicators or foes mostly when meeting new people.
- Not feeling into emotions too much. Will often logically explain how they’re feeling without being super in the feeling itself. Tends to be factual. Speak from a place of thinking as opposed to a place of emotions.
- Analytical- Like to gather seemingly small details most won’t in order to get a clearer picture. Because control feels safe feeling like they have all the information makes them feel good about being able to make decisions that eliminate possible future threats.
- Very blunt and to the point, don’t beat around the bush.
- Can seem very hot and cold. Like they want to get close but also fear it.
- Why some people are attracted to dismissive avoidants.
- Good at self-soothing having had to develop that for themselves because it didn’t come from anywhere else.
- For many, they try to avoid conflict. A lot of the time if they do engage in conflict it’s about how can I make this end quick. You’ll see that they only have a certain amount of patience in conflict until they just want to be done with it.
- What to do when DA’s do open up.
- Value freedom and fear commitment.
- After the honeymoon stage can begin to avoid physical closeness which can show up as walking in front of their partner or not holding hands while being in their own world etc.
- Vulnerability feels like a threat. So unless they feel really safe to they’ll feel it’s a pushing of boundaries to pressure them into opening up to you. Some treat their emotional sanctity, the same way people treat their sexual sanctity. Giving it up before they’re comfortable or allowing boundaries to be crossed before they’re ready can be very disappointing to them.
- Really good at suppressing their emotions and just carrying on with life like nothing is bothering them.
- Often try to escape difficult emotions through working a lot or being in front of the computer or phone a lot. They can struggle to be present around people at times or seem like they’re somewhere else in their mind when disconnected to the things they suet distract them. Find solace in things.
- Can sometimes seem critical this is largely because this is how they speak internally to themselves.
- Spend a lot of time alone, value their space. How not to take it personally and why it’s important to not chase them.
Hope you enjoy this episode!
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