On this episode of the The Best We Could – a Parenting Manual for our Kids, we discuss changing parenting behavior we picked up from our parents and how we broke two generations of responding with a reflexive “No” before “Yes.”

I want to share a story about the patterns that we repeat as parents. And also a pattern of saying no out of hand saying no reflectively or reflexively rejecting. So when I was in my mid twenties I was going over a bridge. And the bridge was under construction and it had those flashing radar signs on it. And all of a sudden I started to notice that the radar sign was flashing 99 and the bridge was. Had those, those concrete barriers on it. So it was much less than the width that it normally would be. It was a four-lane bridge, and now it was only a two-lane bridge, because it had those concrete barriers.

[00:00:11] – Patterns we repeat as parents and reflexive No’s

[00:02:03] – My new Honda and my father’s rejection of the car

[00:03:32] – Realizing a pattern of generational rejection and reflexive no’s

[00:05:12] – Deciding to end the pattern of rejection

[00:08:14] – Identifying the mode of photocopying the behavior of our parents

[00:11:07] – Recognizing other behaviors we reflexively do and pass on

Quotes from the Episode:

* “I had to be rejected out of hand in order to be accepted later on.” [00:03:13]

* “By giving him the opportunity to reflect on what his plan is, he gets the chance to

actually improve what it is that he’s trying to accomplish.” [00:07:12]

* “Many behaviors that are beneficial. And that I do replicate with my children, but I think

about it and I understand why that is. And by understanding why it’s beneficial, it

allows me to be more conscious about, Hey, do I want to do this or not?” [00:08:41]

* “By thinking about it, it really affords us the ability to make better choices and those

better choices will hopefully result in. Better outcomes, for our kids.” [00:10:24]

 

Transcript continues below

And I looked at that sign and it blinked 99 and then I looked up and I saw in my rear view mirror why it was blinking 99 I was hit by a car. Going over a hundred miles an hour in my Volkswagen golf, the Volkswagen golf was pushed through one of those concrete barriers over onto the side of the bridge that was opened up undergoing construction, and that car drove off.

We eventually found who belonged to that car. but the bottom line is that after I had gotten out of the hospital, I turned out to be fine. Had my seatbelt on. It was good. Good deal. Volkswagens are built pretty good back then. And, I survived the car, didn’t, I needed a new car.

So I had gone and I went and I got myself a Honda. Not a fancy Honda, middle of the road, Honda, no sunroof, no fancy heated seats or anything like that. Just a good utilitarian car. And my father, of course, had been active throughout this process. You had had. As soon as he realized that I was hurt, he was very interested in engaged.

but when I came home with that car, I did not, I didn’t tell him. And he was incensed. He was, he was rejected the car. He’s like, that’s a, that’s a, you know, you shouldn’t have gotten that. et cetera, et cetera. And I had this conversation with him recently about this, and. It was interesting because for a few hours he was, he was not happy.

 

And I was in my mid twenties at this time. Right. but after, you know, maybe two hours, he was interested in knowing about the car. He wanted to make sure I had gotten a good deal on it, asked me questions about it. and, and that was the end of that. But the lesson for me, and I didn’t, this was invisible to me at the time, was that I had to be rejected out of hand in order to be accepted later...

On this episode of the parenting manual we discuss reciprocity and generosity as they relate to the virtue of sharing. So I’m going to take you for a ride with me today and I want to discuss some very interesting and important topics. These are the topics of reciprocity and generosity. And the reason that these are so important is because what I have come to find in my own life is that how these behaviors manifest in small children.

It can result in some unwanted side effects later on in life as an adult. What do I mean by this? Well, a perfect example. When my six-year-old boy goes and plays with his friends, either at the playground or at school, oftentimes he will want to share. He will. Offered to share his food of his own accord or his toys of his own accord.

Summary any Quotes

[00:00:10] – The importance of reciprocity and generosity

[00:06:03] – Understanding why we do certain things

[00:10:09] – Being enough

[00:13:32] – Understanding people’s motivations

Quotes from the Episode:

“it’s not sharing. If he doesn’t have a choice in the matter.” [00:01:07]

“The rule that we have or the guideline that we have is that. When our children are young, that all of the food belongs to us as the parents. We are giving them that food and we’re providing them with that food, and so if we say that they have to give that to their sister, that that piece of food to their sister, then that’s just something that we have as an expectation.” [00:07:08]

“Anytime that there is growth…There’s going to have to be compromise because you can’t grow generally speaking in all areas at the same time.” [00:10:38]

Transcript continues below

Sometimes, and sometimes he won’t. But the thing is, is that he gets to make that decision because it’s not sharing. If he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. Now, I will talk about how we suggest that he shares at some point in time, because especially with his, With his sister or in certain instances, we just need for them to share simply because if it’s a food item that we didn’t buy to of, we bought it with the intention to share one child has at first, I’m going to tell you how I handle that at, at the end of this right here because it’s something that I think is going to be really useful for my kids as they grow older and, and have their own children.

It’s really useful. The technique that we have found works really well. But the real thing is not the behavior in the moment, but the behavior that it can breed 10 2030 years down the line. So we instill in our young kids that sharing is a virtue, that giving is a virtue. But. We leave out the other half of the equation.

Why the other half of why we might want to do that at some times? And we also forget to say why we might not want to do that at other times when we have little kids, sometimes it’s just more convenient for us as adults and parents if they share. And so. We don’t make that distinction. So how does this show up later on in life?

Well, I’ll give you a perfect example. With my son, for instance, he realizes that if he shares his candy, more kids come around to him and they want to play with him more. He had a baseball hat that was. Very interesting to a number of kids. He told me that he wanted to give it away to this one kid and we had a little pause at that time.

We had a little time out because I wanted to understand what his motivation was for doing that. Was it because it was sunny out and this other little boy didn’t have a hat? What turns out that my son came to realize very quickly that he could Curry favor with. Other kids by giving them candy or bye bye.

I’m giving this hat in this instance. So we discussed that what was important. It’s okay to share and it’s okay beca...

One of the challenges that we face on almost a daily basis, not just as parents, but in our careers and in our lives. the paradox of compromise. One of my favorite stories about compromise, he’s often told around the holiday season, it’s called the gift of the magi. The husband and wife early on in their marriage decide that they are going to shop for Christmas gifts for each other, but in secret.

Summary and Quotes

[00:00:09] – The paradox of compromise

[00:02:16] – Challenges as a couple raising our kids

[00:04:59] – Dissonance and mental struggles

[00:06:05] – Cultural conditioning vs realization

[00:09:22] – Bringing the best of us to the table

Quotes from the episode:

“When we have compromises that not only do we not recognize that we’re making, but that our partners and our family members don’t recognize that we’re making, it creates a huge challenge.” [00:01:50]

“One of the things that we found is that. We both had some beliefs that were installed in us from a very young age that kind of conflicted with how we wanted to live our life once our children came around.” [00:03:25]

“What we realized is that there is a biological drive that my wife was feeling. To be home with these kids, just as there was a biological drive or a feeling that I had that I wanted to go out and provide, even though I was providing, it wasn’t . It didn’t feel like I was providing. And so what w what we realized was that. We were both giving up the part of us that we were best at and we were trying to be something that we were not.” [00:08:30]

 

Transcript continues below

The wife knows that her husband really admires his beautiful pocket watch, so she decides that she wants to buy a chain for that pocket watch because he’s, Oh, he’s losing it. The problem, of course, is that she doesn’t have the money. So what does she do? She goes to her hairdresser who always admires her.

Beautiful. Long and luxurious hair. And the hairdresser says, well, you could sell your hair and I’ll, that will give you the money that you can go buy that chain for the pocket watch. And then of course the husband goes, and he is also searching for a gift for his wife. He admires her hair, and so he decides he wants to buy her a beautiful.

Jeweled hair clip for that hair. The only problem of course, is that he doesn’t have the money. So what does he do? He goes, and he sells his pocket watch to get the money to buy that hair clip. Now in the story, the couple exchange gifts on Christmas Eve, and they realize that even though they’re not able to use those gifts, that their love for each other, When’s the day? And that’s the sort of feel good thing about the story. The challenge, of course, that we face is oftentimes the compromises that we make aren’t even visible to us. When we have compromises that not only do we not recognize that we’re making, but that our partners and our family members don’t recognize that we’re making, it creates a huge challenge.

It can create resentment. It can create frustration. And ultimately it ends up, as opposed to both people winning. It ends up as a loss for everyone. Today, I want to talk about some of the challenges that we’ve faced as a couple in raising our kids, and these are challenges from the perspective of the various careers that we so.

Neither of us, neither my wife nor I, when we were younger in K through 12 really gave any thought to the function of getting an education. We were really focused on getting good grades for the purpose of getting good grades and being good at school. The reward for being good at school, graduating from the 12th grade is that you get to go on to grade 13 and basically repeat the whole thing over again.

The challenge of course,

Normally this podcast is focused on helping my children understand how we made parenting decisions along the way. The reason that I feel like this is so important to them is because as a child, I did not know or have explained to me why certain parenting decisions were being made in speaking with my own parents.

They certainly did not have any of that explained to them. That required a lot of work on my part to go back and understand why I was parented in a certain way in order to enable me and my wife to make better decisions and more conscious choices in our parenting moving forward. In this episode, I’m going to talk for the first time about who I am.

Summary:

On today’s episode, I am going to be talking about who I am. I have been hesitant to share much about myself because I don’t want to give you, the listener’s, a bias. Although, we are human and we want to connect. Many people have expressed interest in knowing who I am. I do think it’s important that you know a little bit more about me.

For starters, I started this podcast so my kids would have a manual. They will know how they were parented and know what their default setting. I didn’t have that. Because I didn’t have that, I had to spend a lot of time figuring it out.

When it comes to podcasting, or any other platform, people are (largely) broken down into two groups. The first group comprises those who have an academic or industry background.. they want to be seen as a thought leader within their industry. The second group is the group that wants you to know who they are (they want to be internet famous, or sell you something… not that there is anything wrong with that).

I want to be a conveyer of the information and as someone who provides examples, I don’t want the podcast to be about me. Obviously there are overlaps between those two groups. Today I will share a bit about me in hopes of helping this message resonate. I discuss my background, some of my experiences and why my wife and I made some of the decisions we did.

In This Episode

[01:47] Why I’m sharing about me

[3:27] The reason I started this in the first place

[5:05] Craving examples

[7:03]Background on me

[8:43]Determining what I wanted to learn about

[11:12]My first experience as a business owner

[16:15] My time in Hawaii

[17:38]Working for homeland security in Washington DC

[21:15]Being purposeful about my parenting

[23:26]My wife’s perspective 

Quotes

“We’re human, we want to connect.” [00:01:15]

“While we are different, there are many things that are very very similar.” [00:02:42]

“The challenge with the academics is that what people crave today, it’s not more information. We’re overwhelmed with information. What people crave today are examples” [00:05:04]

“it’s not like we have the perfect life. we’re making the very best of what we have.” [00:26:30]

 

Transcript continues below

The reason that I haven’t even brought myself up to this point. Is because I wanted to focus on the method and I wanted to focus on the process and also the information rather than focusing on the person. After 10 episodes, I realized that w people want to know who it is that they’re listening to.

Ultimately, we’re human. We want to connect. That’s something that’s very important to us. I was a little hesitant to, but any information about myself. Out there because I feel that it biases the listener. When I give you my background and tell you about my education, my life experience, my work history, the history of my family, where they came from, what they have been successful in, where they have failed, where they have struggled, where they’ve succeeded.

It may bias you, but at the same time, it may make you feel either more or less of an affinity.

Today, I want to talk about the phases of competency as they relate to being a parent and being a kid. This is something that I realized is important to my children, for them to learn, not only as they develop and acquire skill. It’s important for me as an adult and as a parent, and it’s something that I wish that my parents had taught to me.

Summary and Quotes

[00:00:45] – skill vs behavior

[00:04:56] – Phases of competency

– unconsciously incompetent

– consciously incompetent

– consciously competent

– unconsciously competent

[00:14:30] – The goal is not always unconscious competence

[00:17:15] – Adapting to change, skill of the future

[00:18:29] – Go with the flow but pay attention

 

Quotes from the Episode

“Behavior is more of a choice, whereas a skill is something that you either have or you don’t have.” [00:02:53]

“The checklist actually forces conscious competence where a muscle memory and unconscious competence takeover.” [00:13:50]

“We’re fallible. it’s important for us to double-check ourselves. [00:14:39]

 

Transcript continues below

I wanted to go into a little bit more detail here with this because parenting is part skill and part behavior. And so to go back and give a little review of that, an example, a great example of a skill, meaning something that you either know how to do or you don’t know how to do, there is no way you can believe yourself or will yourself into a skill. A great example of this is if you don’t know how to swim, somebody Rose you out in a boat.

Three, 400 yards offshore and throws you in the water, then you either possess the skill of swimming or you do not. No amount of belief or willpower is going to enable you to swim back to shore. If you don’t possess that skill and you get out in the water the same way up, even better. Wait an example well, let’s say that you are dropped off in the middle of a country where you don’t speak the language.

No amount of belief or willpower or positive self talk is going to enable you to magically get the skill. Oh, speaking whatever language that is something that you learn. It’s something that can be measured. It’s something that can be tested. Now, behaviors on the other hand are something that you can choose in a situational environment.

So I can have a behavior of going to the gym on a daily basis or not. That’s something that I can change. I can have a behavior of speaking with someone in a particular manner or not. I can choose the tone of my voice. I can choose how I’m engaging with someone. A great example of this is, let’s say that you are in the car and you’re having an argument with someone on the telephone and all of a sudden a police officer thumbs up to your window, knocks on your window, and.

You don’t know what they’re about to ask you, but you may all of a sudden change your tone when you’re speaking with the police officer versus the more, shall we say, enthusiastic conversation that you were having the telephone. Now, you may do that or you may not do that. My point is, is that that would be an example of a behavior versus, there are some people who can’t do that.

There are some people who if they are angry, then no matter who comes up to that window, they’re going to yell at them just the same. So what I’m saying is the behavior is more of a choice, whereas a skill is something that you either have or you don’t have. So let’s talk about the phases of competency then, because this is going to help us really to understand where we are as adults, where our kids are, and also give our kids.

A better understanding of how they can be more of a,

In this episode of the parenting manual we discuss how and why we ask for feedback from our kids. Has this ever happened to you? You go out to a nice restaurant with some friends or coworkers. The server comes over, takes your order, goes back, brings out your food, and not even 60 seconds later, that same server comes back and asks you, how’s your food? And of course, they’ve probably timed that question as soon as you’ve just filled your mouth with your first bite of food.

Summary and Quotes

[00:00:30] – Reflexive response

[00:03:36] – Opening dialogue, earned respect

[00:04:13] – Interview with my kid (at age 6)

Quotes from the Episode:

“I’m very aware off the ability of young kids to be very impressionable. So I try my best to ask questions that are not leading questions because I’m very, I’m very aware that it’s possible for me to install opinions in my head, in my children.” [00:17:41]

Transcript continues below

The restaurant server’s response is reflexive… a better way that would result not only in a better customer experience, but also in more actionable information for the business would of course, be for the server to come back as soon as the, the food has been delivered and ask, “is everything to your liking?” But then also to return at the end of the meal and say something like this.

“Our goal here is to continually improve not only with my job as a server, but also the back of the house. They’re really interested in making sure you have a good experience here. So could I ask you, what was your favorite thing about the buffet here today? And then they’d ask what would be one thing that you’d like to see more of or that you thought was missing now?”

This is great because it’s helping set up the customer to usefully answer that question. They’re not asking you to rate something on some Likert scale of “very good, good, neutral, bad, really bad.” This way is conversational. The information the server receives from the customer can be translated into action. That can help to improve the business.

Why am I talking about this? Well, I started doing something very similar with my, yeah, as soon as he could talk so when he could start responding back to me, it was probably about two and I asked him how I could be a better dad, what would I need to do. To improve as a dad. And I would ask him something very similar I’d say, “Hey, what is the best thing that you like about me as a dad, what am I doing best?”

And then I’d ask him, “what’s one thing that you’d like to see me do a better job at as a dad?” And of course the language was different when he was quite a bit younger, but you get the point. And so I want to right now share one of these sessions with him. This is the first time that my son. Has been in front of a microphone.

So he was kind of excited about that. And, and, and, he was very candid, as you will see in his answers about what I could be doing a better job at and also what he enjoys about me. So, he’s six right now, just to give you a sense of this. So he’s been doing this for maybe about two or three years.

You know, we don’t do it all the time. Maybe. Once a month or so, we’ll, we’ll connect and we’ll have a little session like this. It’s not something that I write down or take notes on, but what it does is it really opens up that dialogue and it gives him an opportunity to know that I, I have room for improvement because we’re really focused on practice here.

We’re not focused on positional authority so much as we are earned respect. through competence, through practice. So with that being said, I’m going to let you listen to.

In this episode, we’re going to discuss skills, behavior, and belief as it relates to parenting. Try to imagine for a minute that you take a time machine, you go back in time, and you are a young kid at summer camp. This is your first time really away from home, away from your parents. You’ve gotten dropped off the day before.

Summary and Quotes

[00:01:14] – The Swim test

[00:07:09] – Identifying where you are lacking

[00:09:17] – immediate action drill, short-circuiting the panic response

[00:10:49] – The differentiation between skills and behavior

[00:15:15] – Plan vs Disorganization

[00:19:18] – Conditioning can be situational

Quotes from the Episode:

“Skills can be coached, but behaviors need to be mentored. “ [00:08:00]

“We behave one way when we’re not being observed, and then as soon as we realize we’re being observed, we change our behavior completely” [00:12:44]

“So the real big takeaway from this is distinguishing between skills and behaviors and also the beliefs that we have about that and how parenting is really complex because it’s not just a skill and it’s not just a behavior. It’s a combination of those with which we can sometimes deceive ourselves, but at the same time, we also have the ability to look in from the outside on what we’re doing and change our behavior accordingly to be more resourceful in the situation, which is ultimately going to make us a better parent.” [00:14:15]

 

Transcript continues below

Your parents gave you a big kiss and hug and everyone has gone to sleep. Waking up refreshed for the big swim test the next morning because everybody has to demonstrate that they can swim a hundred yards in order to be safe for the rest of the summer camp. Most of the kids have had a lot of experience in the water before.

Some kids have been swimming for a long time and other kids have been coming back to this camp for many, many years, and so even if they don’t swim outside of here. They know how to swim pretty well. Now the morning you wake up, it’s a little bit Misty. The sun still hasn’t come up yet, and there’s a chill in the air. Some of the kids are kind of grumbling and they’re saying, Oh, we don’t want to get in the water. It’s not, it’s too cold. You know, we can swim. Not a big deal. So the instructor. Tells the children, listen guys, you know you can do this. It’s in your head. Get out there, make your laps and we’ll be done.

We’ll have a good rest of the day. There’s one kid who’s really nervous. Yeah. Because he doesn’t know how to swim. He’s never been really in the water before everybody jumps in except this kid, this kid. Here’s those words of, well, it’s all in your head. Get over there, you’ll be fine. You just have to believe you can do it.

And he pauses. Then he jumps because that kid does not have the skill of swimming in his ability. He hasn’t learned how to swim yet. Okay. He hits the water and what does he do? He panics. The reason that we panic is because our brain doesn’t have any other instruction on what to do in that setting or in that environment.

So of course the kid gets pulled out of the water and then he’s taught how to swim. He’s given the tool. The skillset of swimming is introduced to him and outside of the. Traumatic effects that the, that the child indoors life goes on next time the swim test happens. A little bit of hesitation.

Okay. But there’s no panic because that child has learned

what he needs to do in that situation. Okay. To put it another way, before that child jumped in the first time. He was unconsciously incompetent. You literally did not know what he did not know. Second, he hit that water.

In this episode, I’m going to be explaining to my children why we have been very purposeful in the praise that we provide them. Specifically why we rarely, if ever, will say something like, you’re such a good kid. In order to do that, I have to go back to explain an experience that I had as a young adult.

Summary and Quotes

[00:00:50] – Self Defense training exercise story

[00:03:17] – Affirming effort, not the person

[00:04:12] – The importance of purposeful practice

[00:06:14] – Analyzing the situation

[00:09:50] – Focusing on the effort vs the outcome

Quotes from the Episode:

“We had to find within ourselves the approval of we’re doing this right now, obviously I understand it’s a learning environment, but what he saw was that we were externally focused and we needed to be focused on what we were doing. [00:02:32]

“We want to create a child who then grows into an adult who can get motivation internally and does not always have to seek external motivation and external affirmation for whatever activity it is that they’re doing.” [00:03:39]

“The more that you practice, the more you ultimately end up winning. And to the unskilled practitioner, that looks a lot like luck, but luck also happens to be the result of a lot of practice.” [00:04:50]

“The focus for us as parents is equipping them with the skill set so that they can win the largest possible number of games in whatever domain that happens to be in over the course of their life.” [00:06:42]

 

Transcript

So kids, when I had just finished up with school, one of the jobs that I had was working for the government. And I worked as a scientist and I would go around to various parts of the country and various parts of the world, and some of those parts of the world could be a little bit dangerous. So some of the training that I had was conducted, By a company that provides protection for people who go overseas, and part of that training was in how to handle yourself in a physical, altercation. Let’s just say. And it was really a very good learning experience. But what I noticed was that we would be going through these various training exercises and there were a variety of different people in the training room, and they had a variety of different levels of experience.

But what would happen is at the end of the exercise. A lot of the students, and I would be included among these, would be looking around the room to find an instructor to catch an instructor’s eye. Basically subconsciously ask them without actually verbalizing it, are we doing this right? So after about an hour of this, the head instructor came out, called us all out onto the mats and basically explained.

In a much more colorful language than I’m going to use right now. But he basically said, listen, , you guys are training to save your lives, to protect yourselves, keep yourself safe. And at the end of every exercise, I have seen many of you looking around the room searching for an instructor to catch their eye, to basically see if you’re doing it right.

Find your own approval and he added some extra colorful words in there to em for emphasis. The point being is that we had to find within ourselves the approval of we’re doing this right now, obviously I understand it’s a learning environment, but. What he saw was that we were externally focused and we needed to be focused on what we were doing.

What we’re doing is not particularly complicated or complex. It’s not that we needed a, you know, micrometer precision here. The point that he was trying to make is that the conditioning that we were demonstrating is something that would be a liability in the environments that we were potentially going into.

So bringing that back to a more parenting focused perspective right now,

In this episode of the parenting manual, we discuss how to show interest in your kids. One of the things that I love about our two young kids is that they are congruence seeking machines, meaning that they are always seeking to match up what we as their parents or other adults in their life say with the reality of whatever situation is presented to them. What do I mean by that?

Well, if I give my kid a box that has candy in it. And I say, Hey, here’s a box of candy. And he opens that box up and there is some toy matchbox cars in there, or there’s an empty box. He’s gonna call me out on that right away. Perhaps more accurate than saying they’re congruent seeking machines is they are, master detectors of anything that is incongruous with what you’re saying versus how you’re acting so. 

Summary and Quotes

[00:00:09] – Kids are Congruence seeking machines

[00:03:44] – View the world through a child’s eyes

[00:06:24] – Care deeply about what brings your kids joy

Quotes from the Episode:

“One of the things that we could do to really connect more with our children is to try and view the world through their eyes of that sort of congruence seeking machines.” [00:03:48]

“Whatever delights our children, we take joy in the fact that they are delighted by it.” [00:04:39]

“So that’s where the congruence lies, is that you don’t actually have to do the same activity as your child to show them that you care.” [00:07:47]

Transcript Below

As we grow and as we mature our interactions with other people and our cultural norms can tend to mute this and grew witty seeking effect. What do I mean by this? If you’ve ever been out to lunch with a group of colleagues or perhaps even family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, or something like that, depending on your background.

You may when the bill comes, if you pay the whole bill and then people reimburse you for that. Somebody may give you an envelope that has some money in it, and they may say, Hey, there’s 50 bucks in there. It’s all set. Thank you so much. Now you may not actually open that envelope at the time, and let’s say that you do, and instead of finding $50 in there, you find $45 in there.

Now, do you note that incongruity or do you. Make up a reason why there might not be that amount of money in the envelope that the person stated was in the envelope. But if you are a three-year-old kid, you are going to call out that incongruity a hundred times out of a hundred times. And it’s also situationally dependent as well.

Let’s say that someone is working as a cashier and they are checking out a client, it’s their job. Make sure that the cash is registered to the penny and make sure that the change is given back to the penny as well. Contrast that with a social environment where you’ve just gone out to lunch with a bunch of coworkers and maybe some clients that same envelope as past, and instead of there being $50 in there as the client just told you there was going to be, there is $45 in there. That’s when we start to make up reasons why in our head there is an incongruity. They’re supposed to be $50 in here. There’s only 45 in here. What are the reasons why? Now, it may vary from culture to culture as well. There are [people from] some cultures that would never even open up the envelope until they get back, into the privacy of, their own home or office.

There are other social settings where you would open up that envelope right there and you’d count out that money on the table. The point being that as adults, we have the ability to lie to ourselves and to tell ourselves that there’s a reason or justification or rationalization for something.

Whereas young children don’t have that ability yet. They haven’t developed that ability yet.

In this episode, I want to discuss the topics of commitment and compliance that I spoke with my children about in the last episode. A great example of this came up for us actually just the other day when one of my kids decided that in spite of the fact that we strive for good manners at the dinner table, he would try and eat his food using no hands.

This obviously was not something that we were very interested in entertaining. And the first thing I tried to do was reinforce to him that, Hey, these are the rules. We have good manners at the table. Now, one of the challenges with this, and I’ll talk about this a little bit later on, uh, this, this is a six-year-old boy.

Summary and Quotes

[00:00:39] – Reinforcing the rules

[00:02:36] – Commitment vs Compliance

[00:04:47] – Kids are different, they think different. They are experiencing things for the first time

[00:07:49] – It is ok to come to mom and dad with questions

[00:10:37] – Veiled curiosity from other parents

“Commitment from our perspective is when everyone understands the same objectives and they see value in achieving those objectives. From a compliance standpoint, compliance oftentimes is avoiding getting in trouble, which is not necessarily the same thing as doing the right thing.” [00:02:44]

“One of the biggest challenges that I have personally faced when I’m trying to explain the “why” to my kids is I know that I’m too verbose. I have a hard time making it simple enough to be effective, and it’s actually. It’s actually more challenging to communicate a concept with a child oftentimes than it is within an adult because I really have to change gears and I have to say, okay, more words are not better here..“ [00:06:28]

“We are going to copy by default, not by choice necessarily, but by default, we have been grown up under that same system by which they were successful in reproducing and raising us. So the easiest thing for us to do. Subconsciously is to just copy what they did, and it takes effort to make a change in that pattern of raising up a kid.” [00:14:49]

Transcript Below

To a child, minding manners is an abstract concept. So what I wanted to do was I was going from the compliance thing where saying, listen, you’re going to follow these rules. Instead, I wanted to get commitment from him. So what I decided to do was I decided to frame it from a different perspective once he said, well, why do I need to have manners?

I know he needs, he knows the answer to that question. Okay? But what we discussed very quickly was, first of all, we stopped the behavior so that he’s focused on me and. I asked him, I said, do you like going over to your friends and having dinner at their house or having a snack at their house?

And he said, well, of course I love that. And I asked him, do you think that your friend’s parents will continue to invite you over if you eat like this at their house? You said, well, no, of course they won’t. I said, do you think if I see you eating like this. That I can send you to their house knowing that they’re not going to invite you over again and that I’m probably going to hear about it, and that other people then of your friends will say, their parents will say, Hmm, do we want to have this kid over here?

Probably not because he eats like a dog very quickly. My son started to see the link between the abstract concept of manners and the concrete desire that he had to go and spend time with his friends and eat food at their house. So this is an example of commitment versus compliance. So just from a sort of a definitional standpoint, so we’re working from the same, vocabulary here.

So. Commitment from, from our perspective, is when everyone understands the same objectives and they see value in achieving those objectives.