It might be a lot to ask during your summer break, or maybe you’ve been bored all summer, so it’s the perfect time. Hear me out when I say you must get better at being bored and even a little uncomfortable, dissatisfied or disappointed. I’ll tell you exactly why and how you should exercise your boredom muscle to make it as strong as possible.

When you know how to manage your own boredom, you have a superpower for life. No joke. It’s called frame control.

Think this through: Your capacity for boredom and dissatisfaction is your capacity to stick to a goal, complete assignments, listen to others you disagree with, focus instead of daydream, hold your own despite the odds, try new things, break bad habits, wait for better outcomes or options, appreciate the little things, deal with jerks, maintain your frame.

Learn to handle low levels of stimulation or disturbance, and you’ll be much more able to stay present.

As you do this you’ll find all boredom is in your mind. It’s your mind begging for entertainment like a bratty child.

This child will go down kicking and screaming until it gets the distraction it wants IF you indulge it.

Instead, become okay without thinking and letting your mind wander. Be okay with nothingness in the face of irritation, annoyance, unpleasantness.

Thinking too much blocks us from full access to living in the moment. The less we think, reflect, analyze, plot and plan, the more we actually live. You can always turn to your mind to solve a problem, but don’t let your mind turn you and your existence into a problem.

How you ask? How do you reduce all this thinking?

You can pay attention to your thoughts without judgment. Pay attention to your breathing. Or pay attention to silence. This will make you more aware of this moment, which is called presence.

You can also learn to stick with an uncomfortable state: Stretch your tight muscles. This isn’t just good for your physical health, but your mental health too. If you can last through an uncomfortable hamstring stretch, you’ll be able to last in an unpleasant confrontation.

This will enable to you to maintain your frame no matter who or what challenges it.

The mental equivalent of stretching tight muscles is to lean into boredom. Let whatever bores you help you get better.

Learn to be focused without being interested: Study something difficult you don’t enjoy. If you can handle intellectual complexity, you can handle emotional complexity. Both will make you more savvy with people.

HOW

Generic sources of boredom and discomfort:

Sit in silence

Listen to the whole podcast episode in one sitting (maybe listen twice)

Stretch tight muscles

Eat raw veggies and bland foods for an entire day

Say little to nothing in a conversation with several others or take extra long to reply to a message

Draw the same picture 10 times in a row

Go without devices and screens

Do chores (your parents will love it)

Observe your thoughts and resist any urge to judge them

Notice your breathing pattern or the sensations you feel, smell, hear

Intentionally have no fun for several hours: no games, activities, entertainment

Delay satisfaction: Wait to respond to a friend. Get the tedious things done before the fun ones.

REVIEW

The more bored you can be, the more likely you are to walk away from fun or easy options when they don’t suit you: Crumby friends, dangerous activities, procrastination, short term gratification, people pleasing. You’ll also be able to stick with anything long enough for it to become boring/easy: skills, difficulties, emotions, problems.

What is a frame? The way you view an interaction and your part in it. What you assume to be true about yourself and the others. What you believe. What you can and cannot do. This creates an underlying context for the interaction and how it should go. As long as you hold your frame, it will be stronger than everyone else’s, and things will go your way.

Believe it or not, but you already play in a frame with your bully. Even in the worst bullying interactions, you had a frame, and unfortunately one of two things was true: Either your frame was strong and confident, but the bully’s frame was stronger, or your frame could improve by flipping it around, so it matches the inner you.

BODY LANGUAGE:

People will usually accept whatever frame you set as long as you match it with the right tone and body language.

Going back to episodes about body language, we already know the best way to improve your body language is to change what you believe about yourself.

It’s more about how you communicate or behave than what you say or do. It’s your frame of mind.

FRAMEWORK:

Control the frame and you’ll control the conversation and your own options.

Humor is a great way to switch frames. This works on others and yourself. This is why I encourage you to watch comedy and practice it.

If you make the bully laugh, you can bet you just controlled their frame. They were unpleasant and unfriendly, now they’re playful and upbeat at least for a second.

Laughter indicates a frame change, but so does any emotional shift. If the bully is reacting to your frame, they’re in your frame, and you’re in control.

This means you decide how you’ll view the interaction in a way that best suits you. If one frame isn’t working, switch to another. It’s okay to change as long as you’re not changing to the bully’s frame.

CREATE OPTIONS:

Never limit yourself to what others think is possible. It’s good to know what they see as your options, but you must always be ready to define the list.

Once again, you’ll steer the conversation by changing what you believe, and you’ll change your beliefs when you know you have options .

That’s the power of framework. Instead of having to think about each move you make, you will operate according to what you believe, knowing it’s completely within your power.

FRAMES TO LEARN:

Frames that work against bullies are just the opposite of what hasn’t worked:

*This is a waste of my time is the opposite of this is highly important.

*I’m calm/bored is the opposite of I’m anxious.

*I’m #1 is the opposite of you’re #1. (I’m in charge, People look to me,

*We’re friendly (collaborative) vs We’re enemies (competitive).

Once we get into a frame, we operate by its playbook without thinking.

Imagine you’re in the I’m bored frame when the bully comes around, and ask yourself:

What do I believe? What comes naturally in this frame of mind? What can I get away with saying or doing? Is this frame working, or do I need to switch? What do I want and what are my options?

Imagining through visualizations is your first step to practice a new frame.

The second step is living within this new frame in a low stakes interaction. Friends, family, neighbors, randoms at school.

Once you’re used to your new frames from the low stakes practice, you’ll naturally extend the frame to high pressure situations like dealing with the bully.

Insults are attacks plain and simple. You must defend yourself against attacks, but being defensive is bully food. So what’s the difference between being defensive and standing up for yourself. That’s what we’re about to get into after

If you attack the content of the insult, that’s defensive. If you attack the person’s frame who just insulted you, that’s standing up to them.

By attacking the content of an insult but not the person who said it, you silently accept that person’s behavior toward you and their frame of mind--where they’re coming from. AKA their frame.

They keep thinking they’re good to go and you’re the chump who’ll take it, ready to dish the BF whenever they get hungry.

You have to stand up to THEM, NOT what they say and do.

We only defend what we believe is vulnerable. What the bully says about you shouldn’t matter to you nearly as much as their attempt to control your frame. Usually not being defensive against their insult is enough to show your frame is stronger than theirs.

However, most bullies continue on and on with insults until they crack you, so you have to attack their frame by holding yours.

Instead of fighting the insult, you should accept it in one of three ways:

Turn it against the bully:

OR

Turn it into a joke:

OR

Say nothing and change the topic:

Never attack the content. Control the FRAME. OR another way to look at it is to never literally defend yourself. Set the frame and make them react to you.

Recognize the bully's frame so you can switch them to yours.

We’ll learn much more about framing and reframing in the next episode. I’ve talked about both in the past few weeks, and hopefully now I’ve peaked your interest enough to learn the nitty gritty.

The basics here: Attack the bully’s frame of mind and the negative assumptions behind their behaviors. Do not attack the specific things they say or do to you. Another way to think of this is to aim for their reasons for being a jerk not the jerk moves themselves. They want you to overreact or cower to their moves. They don’t expect you to attack them as a person, but that’s what is needed. Call them out for being a bully NOT bullying you.

Watch on YouTube

https://youtu.be/wf2RPff9L2E

Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “Go the extra mile. It’s never crowded there.” This quote has many meanings we’ll explore today, but it’s main message is you’ll accomplish your goals with little competition if you’re willing to go farther than most others.

This episode is a follow-up to last week when we looked at how to reframe discouragement to maintain our determination.

This week’s lesson is what to do with that determination.

We know to reframe discouragement to keep our determination up.

But how do we aim that determination? Where do we go with it or because of it?

First remember less is more when it comes to confidence especially to deal with bullies. Always keep the BF principles in mind. Less is more!

When you go the extra mile in school or with a hobby or friendship, do you simply make more of an effort toward that effort or person? No! If you think about it, going the extra mile means doing what nobody else thought to do or even could do.

The extra mile is the same with a bully. It means you do what few others do.

When we go the extra mile we don’t do extra, we do the extraordinary.

Determination to beat a bully means you do what nobody dares to do.

You push past the barriers that stand between you and your goal.

Some of the barriers are imagined, some are real. Some are warnings, some are risks, some are real threats, most are paper tigers.

Calculate the level of physical safety risk and go from there. If you feel it's too risky, back off and involve the adults and authority figures. If it's unlikely to be a danger, proceed.

Please go back to episode 4 to learn more about determining a bully's threat level.

Push right through those barriers. NO MATTER WHAT!

This is the secret ingredient to every win: At some point the winner looks past every barrier they’ve got to get to the other side.

But how?? Everything you want is on the other side of fear, but how do put your determination ahead of any fear?

Here it is, the thing nobody wants to hear, but they have to:

To beat a bully, you have to be willing to say, “Forget it, I’m going all in no matter what! Whatever comes can’t be as bad as staying stuck here.”

You have to say to yourself, “Deep down I’d rather put up with the bully’s worst than one more day of being under their thumb!”

It’s true. No matter what comes from standing up can’t be as bad as this cycle.

Next time we’ll go into how to stand up without being defensive, but before you can do that you must decide to be over this!

In this episode we’ll go through what it really feels like before you’re about to win.

I mean to show you you’re on the right track even when it feels like you’re not.

After another year of school and putting up with a bully, this is a good time for a pep talk.

A reframe. Changing the way you look at discouragement to motivate yourself.

You must cultivate your ability to reframe especially when it seems like you’re never going to get there. This ability is the key to success.

Remember winning is always possible as long as you keep going.

Winners focus on winning, and losers focus on winners.

Everyone loses but as long as you focus on winning, you’re a winner. And it’s lonely along the extra mile.

The way it feels on the extra mile—the place before you win—is what we’re here to discuss.

How it feels before you win:

It’s a blend of determination and discouragement, and as long as you’re more determined than discouraged, you’re about to win.

First we must dissect what makes us feel discouraged, so we know what to do from there to keep our determination.

Discouragement comes in various forms that boil down to: setbacks, overstimulation, impatience and criticism from naysayers who might even mean us well. I’m going to show you how to reframe them all.

A setback is a moment in time when you don’t meet your goals. It’s temporary and changeable going forward, but it can feel like the end of the road.

Reframe setbacks as one more step to ultimate success, little clues about which ways to avoid, little failures to learn from that make you stronger, proof that you’re human and at your learning edge.

Oversimulation causes highs and lows that end in burnout. It depletes your energy and makes time seem to stand still.

People can go overboard on thinking and analysis, forcing their desired outcomes, or trying to learn and improve quickly chasing that dopamine cycle. Overdoing it will backfire. Why? Because less is more. Over time the ups and downs teach your brain that only outstanding pleasure will satisfy you.

How to reframe: Tell your subconscious mind you can take it easy by actually pumping the breaks. Slow down, repeat one skill at a time until you’ve got it rather than trying to learn it all at once, take breaks from devices, teach yourself to appreciate simplicity.

Impatience comes from measuring too often and/or too soon.

You are trying so hard (or maybe you’re not at the moment), but what you want hasn’t worked out…YET!

I know you want to see results now. You want to beat the bully! I want you to too, and you eventually will.

To reframe your impatience: Keep focusing on where you’re going NOT where you are. Stop measuring and checking. If you notice something you’re doing is working, do more of it.

Naysayers knock the wind out of your sails even when they mean to help.

Reframe their doubts and fears as something separate and increasingly distant from you.

Find the fun in doing the things others can’t imagine for you. There’s nothing better than getting away with what used to seem impossible.

Notice any time you becoming a naysayer to your own plans and goals.

To recap, what winning feels like just before it happens is: doubt and fear, disappointment, small changes, impatience, overwhelm, highs and lows, temptation to force your desired outcome or give up, and loneliness as you walk the extra mile.

Reframe these feelings as you keep at it.

Sooner or later you will win.

Then you’ll win again and again and again.

I heard someone recently say humor is our emotional immune system.

Humor and laughter work in a similar way to reframe our pain and traumas.

Have you ever wondered why some kids laugh when they get in trouble with a teacher and only make it worse with their silly responses? Or when someone breaks into uncontrollable laughter after learning something that’s anything but a laughing matter?

It’s because humor is healing. People naturally find a better way to feel when they’re overwhelmed by hard emotions.

Today lesson is how to use comedy, humor and laughter to reverse what the bully does.

We can break this into three strategies for times you’re alone, with friends, and with the bully.

Alone: Start watching comedians. You need to laugh as often as possible for three reasons: laughter heals you, it’s infectious, and watching the greatest comics will make you funnier.

Study funniness to make it yours. Watch improv games on YouTube. It will heal you as you go, and as you use what you learn your vibe will be amazing. Humor attracts the best people and repels the worst people.

Friends: The person who listens, says the least and asks questions holds the power in any interaction.

Everyone loves you when you’re interested in what they say, and it couldn’t be easier.

You can have everyone eating out of your hand: Say less, ask questions, show interest, smile, find a way to add a little humor.

When you’re happy, you smile. The reverse is true too. When you smile, you feel happier, and everyone loves to see a smile aimed their way.

Everyone except a bully that is. Why? Because bullies are insecure and miserable people, who want to keep others down.

They will laugh, but only to reduce others with gossip, dirt, rumors of others’ misfortune and ridicule are funny to them. They will not allow jokes to fight their upsets. They’d rather wallow in misery. Deep down they don’t believe they can escape.

This is why you have to laugh in front of them.

Bully: When you get in front of the bully, use your happy energy and comedic knowledge to blast off.

It’s really hard to drag someone down who’s in a great mood and refuses to leave it.

The bully needs to learn this lesson, and here's how to deliver it to them.

Yes—,and—

Your agreement with an addition.

Here’s some of the worst things bullies say and examples of how to use yes, and to respond:

Your clothes suck: Yeah, I don’t bother to look good for losers like you.

Do you know nobody likes you: Yes, I’m getting that. Are you always this friendly?

You gonna cry?: I might, did you forget deodorant again?

You’re stupid/ugly/fat: Yeah, and you’re still talking to me for some reason. I guess that’s your problem.

You’re so annoying: Ooh good, I'm glad it’s working.

Why do people even like you?: People like a mystery..even you can figure that out.

Go kill yourself: Uhh I think I’ll wait for that to happen naturally. Do you need help though? I’m serious.

You’re weird: Better than being boring, which I don’t need to explain to you.

I wish you were dead: It’d probably be better than being around you.

Inappropriate comment about your body: Eww, I didn’t know you were checking us out in that way.

Your identity: What do you mean? Oh, so you’re racist or homophobic. Now we know.

It was just a joke: Oh, now I know why you never laugh if you think that’s funny.

You’re a loser: Yeah, I have bad examples..even the cool kids at my school suck.

People like others who are fun and make them feel good, and they reject jerks who bring everyone down with negativity.

Make humor your default.

A hobby can be as good as a best friend, especially when you’re dealing with a bully.

I have three reasons for this:

1- Getting good at something builds confidence, focus and gives you something to be proud of about yourself. When you see yourself as accomplished, as somebody who follows out their own intentions and dreams, it raises your self-esteem. Watching yourself improve over time also builds confidence. You’ll see that you CAN do difficult things and go past your old barriers to success. If you can do one difficult thing, you can apply your success in that area to meet other goals (like beating your bully at their own game). Get out of your comfort zone and you’ll be much stronger.

2- If you have a great hobby, you always have something better to do than hang out with people who aren’t being friends: drama queens, gossips, energy vampires, bullies. Dealing with bullies and how they mistreat you can be quite isolating. In fact bullies use isolation as a tactic to keep you down. When we feel out of touch with others, outcast or like we don’t fit in, we are weakened. This puts us in a position where we’re more likely to dish out the BF: hand over our power, lose emotional control, do whatever it takes to keep a “friend” happy or keep a bully in check.

3- Way to meet new and better friends and expand your social experience. Sometimes all you need to reframe the way you see yourself as a friend is to make some new friends. And friends are easier to find, make and keep when you share something in common that you like to do/get better at.

Hobbies I recommend: Guitar or rock band instrument, dance like hiphop or swing, card games and board games, photography, yoga, animal care and sports like agility, tracking, barn hunt or frisbee, biking, track and field, swimming, rowing and paddling, outdoor survival, awareness and pursuits, skate/snow/surf boarding, watercolor painting, roller skating, thrift shopping and used clothing redesign, sewing/knitting/crochet, crafts, cooking and baking, D&D and other games, legos, writing, journals and scrapbooks, calligraphy, origami, bikes and rock climbing, birdwatching or astronomy, gardening, walks and hikes, martial arts, magic, stand-up or improv comedy, acting and singing, reading and club or author events, collecting, traveling (even if it’s planning trips to take as and adult by learning about places of interest to you), podcasting, learn a language, volunteer.

Why do I bring this up now?

As I talked about last week, vacation is a perfect time for reflection and to remake yourself.

Develop a new skill and make it into a hobby with this time off. Next year you’ll have something to look forward to or engage in when things don’t go your way or social options are limited.

A hobby can be as good as a best friend, especially when you’re dealing with a bully.

I have three reasons for this:

1- Getting good at something builds confidence, focus and gives you something to be proud of about yourself. When you see yourself as accomplished, as somebody who follows out their own intentions and dreams, it raises your self-esteem. Watching yourself improve over time also builds confidence. You’ll see that you CAN do difficult things and go past your old barriers to success. If you can do one difficult thing, you can apply your success in that area to meet other goals (like beating your bully at their own game). Get out of your comfort zone and you’ll be much stronger.

2- If you have a great hobby, you always have something better to do than hang out with people who aren’t being friends: drama queens, gossips, energy vampires, bullies. Dealing with bullies and how they mistreat you can be quite isolating. In fact bullies use isolation as a tactic to keep you down. When we feel out of touch with others, outcast or like we don’t fit in, we are weakened. This puts us in a position where we’re more likely to dish out the BF: hand over our power, lose emotional control, do whatever it takes to keep a “friend” happy or keep a bully in check.

3- Way to meet new and better friends and expand your social experience. Sometimes all you need to reframe the way you see yourself as a friend is to make some new friends. And friends are easier to find, make and keep when you share something in common that you like to do/get better at.

Hobbies I recommend: Guitar or rock band instrument, dance like hiphop or swing, card games and board games, photography, yoga, animal care and sports like agility, tracking, barn hunt or frisbee, biking, track and field, swimming, rowing and paddling, outdoor survival, awareness and pursuits, skate/snow/surf boarding, watercolor painting, roller skating, thrift shopping and used clothing redesign, sewing/knitting/crochet, crafts, cooking and baking, D&D and other games, legos, writing, journals and scrapbooks, calligraphy, origami, bikes and rock climbing, birdwatching or astronomy, gardening, walks and hikes, martial arts, magic, stand-up or improv comedy, acting and singing, reading and club or author events, collecting, traveling (even if it’s planning trips to take as and adult by learning about places of interest to you), podcasting, learn a language, volunteer.

Why do I bring this up now?

As I talked about last week, vacation is a perfect time for reflection and to remake yourself.

Develop a new skill and make it into a hobby with this time off. Next year you’ll have something to look forward to or engage in when things don’t go your way or social options are limited.

When you feel like you can do nothing right, do the opposite!

Welcome!

Many of us are either about to be on vacation from school, or we already are.

A well deserved break from the pressures of school, including your bully if that’s where you see them.

Regardless of whether getting out of your regular routine means you won’t see the bully or not, it’s still a time to for you regroup.

Young people grow quite a bit over the summer holidays, and you’ve been working through some tough challenges in your personal development.

You’ve earned this chance to reflect and incorporate what you’ve learned this year.

I realize long vacations can be anything but fun for kids. They can equal many hours spent waiting for parents to get home from work. They can be lonely, and they can also be too social with siblings and neighbors, while missing school friends.

My point is summer days off mean different things to different people.

Transitioning to vacation time is a difficult adjustment for lots of us, just as hard as returning to school can be.

Opposite Day can be abrupt, but often it’s just the ticket!

Anytime we switch and do the opposite of what we’ve been doing, change happens, often for the better.

This brings me to the theme of today’s lesson, which is to do the opposite.

And vacation is a perfect time to shift who you are, switch up your game, try new things, become a new you.

I’ll be blunt here. Bullies can make us feel like losers, and when you feel like a loser, it can feel like everything you do goes terribly wrong.

So, why not do exactly the opposite? If what you’ve done up to this point hasn’t worked, wouldn’t it be better to just do the opposite?

Albert Einstein said it well with this quote: ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’

What he meant was to experiment and try new strategies if you want different outcomes.

When it seems like nothing is going your way, take a step back and see where you can switch it up.

There are several ways to approach this:

1-You could be almost silly about it and do exactly the opposite of what you usually do.

2-Another way to do the opposite is to look at your habits. Take a hard look at the patterns, behaviors, and moods you habitually do, and see if doing something new would be just the change that makes the difference.

3-A third way to do celebrate Opposite Day is to do things the wrong way or the more difficult way on purpose. This isn’t so much about making intentional mistakes, which is a great strategy for overall success. It’s about interrupting what’s normal.

I would never encourage you to ignore your gut instincts or do what you know is bad or wrong. However, we must be flexible and openminded about ways we could improve. We can all improve. Nobody is perfect.

This is a great time to get good at being different. People forget details about each other when they spend time apart. Use this vacation time to become a new and improved version of yourself and resist any impulse to use it as a way to hide.

Here’s the idea behind this lesson: When it comes to dealing with the bully, see what you can get away with.

Whatever it is you’d do if you knew you’d win no matter what..do that!

Test and find out what you can get away with around people. You tell them you’re somewhat okay with losing them, or losing out in the situation.

When you’re willing to risk, you’re willing to lose, but remember people don’t take risks unless they think they’re more likely to win.

So what you really say in taking calculated risks is: I’m probably going to win.

In other words: I’m betting on me. I’m a winner. I have good judgment. The outcome means less than the attitude.

This winner’s attitude inspires others.

People love to see someone who doesn’t care and isn’t stressed. A rarity.

It may seem a little like giving up to accept risk, but as soon as you do it, you’ll feel like a winner.

The attitude is worth more than the outcome.

Make no mistake, you will lose some of the time, but by that point you won’t care.

Because the feeling of laughing failure in the face is better than any win.

Here’s how to practice and get good, so you can risk it for the biscuit:

To give yourself the illusion you cannot fail, start small.

Start small and focus on impressing yourself. With small wins the cost of failure is relatively small too, and if impressing yourself is the goal, you get to rate yourself.

This is about self amusement NOT showing off.

You never want to show off to show up a bully.

Get away with something that will make you feel happy, strong, confident, and satisfied.

Self amusement around a bully always follows our principles: Make it Boring, Less is More, Lose to Win, Never Nice, Always Kind, and Actions speak louder than words.

Here are some self-amusement prompts I’d use according to each BF principle:

Make it boring: Yawn whenever you see the bully .

Less is more: Don’t finish sentences you speak to the bully. Leave them hanging. Better yet, never finish a sentence that’s about the bully either.

Lose to win: Sarcastically say, “You win,” to the bully, or “They win,” about the bully. Then roll your eyes.

Never nice, always kind: Make cringe faces about everything the bully does, but never let them seeing you do it. Just make the cringe face for your own amusement. The key to this is to close your eyes when you do it.

Actions speak louder than words: Laugh more. Laugh at your jokes with yourself.

Remember self-amusement and the thrill of getting away with things no matter the outcome is the ticket. It’s empowering to laugh failure in the face. Taking small risks gets you into the winner’s circle just as much as big ones.

When you feel like a winner, you act and look like one too. Occasionally losing is a small price to pay for that.

Have fun!