One of the deceptive results that can happen to us when we’ve been wronged is that it can cause us to become walled in by bitterness and that can make us to blind to our own personal failings. It creates...

One of the deceptive results that can happen to us when we’ve been wronged is that it can cause us to become walled in by bitterness and that can make us to blind to our own personal failings. It creates blind spots to our own faults.

1 John 2:11: “But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them.”

The wrongs done to us can easily lead us into hatred, whether we recognize that or not. And hatred causes blindness—we become blind to our own failings.

We can justify our wounding others because we have been wounded. For example, you may think that the wrong done to you is so deep that nothing you do could be as bad as what has been done to you—so you let yourself off the hook.

You may not even realize that you’re taking that hurt out on innocent people. This is especially true if it is not possible to confront the one who has wronged you, or if they are not willing to own up to what they have done. Or in some cases, if they are not still alive.

I recognize that this topic of the wrongs done to us cannot be resolved easily, but we can begin to make first steps toward being set free from the bitterness and hatred which can result because we’ve been wronged.

Has someone wronged you recently? There are several common wrongs: betrayal, broken promises, broken confidences, abuse, false accusations. These are just a few, but what about the power that a nurtured wrong can have over us? Dr. Erwin Lutzer writes...

Has someone wronged you recently? There are several common wrongs: betrayal, broken promises, broken confidences, abuse, false accusations. These are just a few, but what about the power that a nurtured wrong can have over us?

Dr. Erwin Lutzer writes in his book, When You’ve Been Wronged:

“Talk to some offended people and they will spill out their resentment to anyone who is willing to listen. You’d think that the offense happened yesterday, last month, or last year. Turns out it happened twenty years ago, but the wound is constantly opened, constantly talked about, or constantly used as an excuse for one thing or another.” (Lutzer, p. 38)

When you keep holding onto a wrong done to you, keep thinking about it and re-living, then you may be allowing that wrong to gain such a foothold in your life that it simply continues to re-hurt you over and over again.

When we nurture a wrong done to us, it quickly turns into bitterness, and here’s what bitterness does:

Hebrews 12:15: “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

First, it grows. When you allow bitterness to take root in your heart, it will grow and grow fast. Before you know it, those roots will dig down into your heart and grow like a weed. You cannot harbor even a little bitterness in your heart. It won't stay small. It always grows.

Second, it causes trouble. When you nurture a wrong done to you and feed it, count on it causing you a great deal of trouble. Physical trouble—it affects your health adversely—emotional and mental trouble.

Third, it defiles many. Funny thing is, when we keep nurturing the wrongs done to us, it affects all of our relationships—not just the one who has wronged us. As parents we can transfer that bitter spirit to our children; as managers and employees we can transfer it to our co-workers. It is a poison that affects everyone it touches.

While I certainly don’t want to trivialize the wrongs that have been done to you, I do want to help you start to find healing.

Have you noticed how selective our memories can be? You and I can remember the wrongs done to us forever, but so easily forget good things!

How do we begin to deal with the wrongs done to us? Let’s identify some of the more common ones:

Betrayal:  When you are betrayed—particularly if you are betrayed by someone close to you, whom you trusted—that is a deep hurt. David expressed this in Psalm 55:12-14:

If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers.

This is why betrayal within families is so hurtful and so difficult to overcome. It comes from someone—a mate, a child, a sister, a brother, a parent—who we rightly expect to never betray us, and yet they do.

Broken Promises: Proverbs 13:12: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

A “deferred hope” is a broken promise, and it makes us heart-sick.

Broken Confidences: When you share your heart with someone, and you expect them to keep your confidence, it can be devastating to discover that they have repeated it to others.

Proverbs 11:13: “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”

False Accusations: Whether it’s a lie told about you by a jealous person, or a legal battle in a court of law, false accusations can run very deep, and build walls up so high they seem virtually impossible to bring down.

Abuse: Abuse comes in many forms and it is prevalent in our worlds.

These are just a few examples of the wrongs done to us. But here’s some good news:

Isaiah 54:17a: “No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.”

Psalm 9:9: “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”

Have you noticed how selective our memories can be? You and I can remember the wrongs done to us forever, but so easily forget good things! How do we begin to deal with the wrongs done to us? Let’s identify...

On this particular day Fran is rushing to get a proposal finished for an early meeting tomorrow with a new client. She talks to the Jesus, as she has learned to do throughout her day. "You know, Jesus, I'll be glad when this is finished; Ben made a few more changes. Now I've got to get Joyce to make the changes and re-print it. Jesus, I just dread even approaching Joyce. She has such a rotten attitude. When you ask her to do anything, she's as sour as a lemon, she's lazy, and her work is poor."

Fran listens to her words and then says, “I know what you’re thinking, Jesus. Joyce is a challenge for me, and I know—nobody is in my life by accident.” That’s a lesson Fran has to keep re-learning because like most of us, relationships can be her greatest challenge.

Fran continues her conversation with Jesus. “The truth is, she drives me crazy! After all, she is the administrative assistant for the department. It's her job to help us with these projects. But she acts like she's doing you a favor when she does her job. I just can't stand people with lazy attitudes.” Fran expresses her feelings to Jesus.

Fran stops in her tracks and reminds herself again that no one is in her life by accident. “This is such a hard lesson for me to learn, Jesus. My human thinking tells me that a person who causes me trouble and makes my life more difficult surely can’t be a good thing. Yet I know that the relationships of my life teach me so much about trusting you and being more like you.”

"You may not think Joyce is doing you any good,” Jesus says to her, “but often I work in you through other people. And besides, Joyce needs you in her life."

Fran really doesn't want to hear that at this moment when she is so frustrated with Joyce. She knows that Jesus means she should be compassionate and caring toward Joyce, but she still can’t help thinking that all Joyce has to do is what she's paid to do. She thinks out loud, “I'm not supposed to baby her when she's so lazy, am I?"

"No, not baby her, but love her," Jesus reminds her. "You know, I love her just as much as I love you."

Fran wrinkles her nose. "Frankly, Jesus," she responds, "I thought you had better taste.” She says it with a chuckle, but she knows it reveals her inward feelings. "Besides, how can I love someone I don't even like?" she asks.

Fran heaves a sigh and heads to Joyce's desk. "Joyce, here's the last changes to the Walton proposal. I changed the PowerPoint and it really needs to be perfect. Unfortunately, that means changing all the handouts as well, and redoing that Excel budget sheet. So, please make those changes and send it to me. I'll need it before you leave today if you don't mind," Fran says, trying to sound pleasant.

"If I don't mind?" Joyce replies. "Well, I do mind. It's 4:00 and I leave here at 4:30. Why'd you wait so late to give it to me?" Joyce snatches it from Fran's hand as she slowly puts down the magazine she was reading.

"Joyce, I just got the changes from Ben. You know it has to be done today. Sorry, but that's the way it is," Fran says with irritation in her voice.

At that very moment a verse from Proverbs comes to Fran’s mind. “Sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness."

"But, Jesus," she thinks, "all I'm asking is for her to do her job. If she'd get busy, she could have it done in less than an hour. I just don't feel like babying her; she doesn't deserve it."

The words seem to echo in her head “I don’t feel like it. . . I don’t feel like it. . .” And Jesus reminds her again that if she runs on her feelings, she’ll never be able to love people she doesn’t like. Love is an action, and she has to do the right thing, whether she feels it or not.

Fran turns to Joyce again, and with great effort says, "Look, Joyce,

On this particular day Fran is rushing to get a proposal finished for an early meeting tomorrow with a new client. She talks to the Jesus, as she has learned to do throughout her day. “You know, Jesus, I’ll be...

Are you a "people person"? Whether or not you consider yourself a people person, all of us need to have very good people skills and know how best to deal with others. Here’s our fifth basic people skill:

5. Put yourself in the other person's shoes.

Jesus gave us what we've called "The Golden Rule" and it is still the best basis of dealing successfully with people. You'll find it in Luke 6: "Do to others as you would have them do to you" (Luke 6:31).

This is always a "win-win" attitude. When I purposely stop and try to put myself in the other person's shoes, I will of course treat that person with more consideration, patience and kindness, and I will also reduce my own stress and frustration because I'm not thinking about me, I'm thinking about the other person.

We add immeasurable stress to our lives by being focused on ourselves and making sure we get what's coming to us. Any little infraction of our rights then causes an emotional reaction, which causes stress. However, when we are focused on the other person, how they feel, why they are behaving the way they are, etc., we forget ourselves and that stress never has a chance to get started.

Are you aware of the power of empathy? Do you regularly express empathy to others? Remember, empathy goes a very long way, and you will greatly enhance your ability to get along with people by really putting yourself in their shoes and verbally expressing statements of empathy. Look for opportunities to do that today, and see how well it works!

Remember, people are more important to God than projects, and God loves all those people around you just as much as he loves you. So, ask him to make you sensitive to others and aware of what you need to do to improve your people skills. Of course, it will benefit you greatly to do that, but more importantly, it will make you a better representative of Jesus Christ. I challenge you, as I do myself, to make that a high priority in your life.

Click here if you would like a copy of Mary's book, How to Thrive from 9 to 5.

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Are you a “people person”? Whether or not you consider yourself a people person, all of us need to have very good people skills and know how best to deal with others. Here’s our fifth basic people skill: 5. Put...