The Codependummy Podcast

-What is self-compassion and how can it help heal from codependency?

-What are the basic elements of a self-compassion practice?

-How is self-compassion not self-indulgence, self-pity, or self-esteem?

Welcome to Episode 158! This week, I’m back after a short break to tell you all about SELF-COMPASSION. You’ll hear me define what self-compassion is and how creating a self-compassion practice can help us heal from our codependency. I will also break down the three basic elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. I end with a discussion on what self-compassion is NOT: it is not self-indulgence, self-pity, nor self-esteem. If you’re wanting and needing to be kinder to yourself, be sure to listen to this episode!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More deets on the episode:

I begin with an honest apology for not airing an episode for the last 3 weeks! This solocast was originally set to air on Christmas Day and, evidently, my pregnancy and life got in the way! But I’m here now! And practicing compassion with myself for taking a while to get this episode up. 

We have a brief check in to help you reflect on how you are doing. 

Next, we dive in to the world of Self-Compassion, which is largely based on my research of the work by Kristen Neff. I break down the discussion of self-compassion in 3 parts:

1. What is Self-Compassion?

2. What are the 3 basic elements of self-compassion:

   1. Self-kindness versus self-judgment. 

   2. Common humanity versus isolation

   3. Mindfulness versus over-identification

3. What is NOT self-compassion. It is NOT:

   1. Self-esteem

   2. Self-indulgence

   3. Self-pity

I conclude the episode with specific ways you can start to practice self-compassion this week: 

1. Remind yourself of the 3 basic elements: common humanity, mindfulness, and self-kindness. 

2. Listen to one of Kristen Neff’s meditations: http://self-compassion.com/ (go to the Practices page)

3. Review a difficult event through the lens of self-compassion. 

Thank you for listening! 

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

-What does codependency look like in women attempting to date outside their culture?

-How can codependency with your family prevent you from dating outside your culture (and what are the short- and long-term consequences?)

-If you do date interculturally, what should you be prepared to navigate from the reactions/response from your family?

Welcome to Episode 157! This week, I’m joined by Noura Bermudez, LMFT, to explore codependency in women who date outside their culture (a.k.a. dating interculturally). Noura opens up about her own experience being codependent with her father and what that relationship was like to navigate when she started to date (and eventually marry!) outside her culture despite his disapproval. Noura describes what codependency looks like in women and their families when they begin to attempt to date interculturally and the consequences of this. You’ll hear Noura list what women should be prepared to navigate if their families respond with judgment, shame, prejudice, and threats to disown them. We conclude with steps you can take to cultivate your own autonomy in these situations. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Noura Bermudez is a mindfulness-based therapist who helps women in intercultural relationships experiencing rejection and/or disownment by their parents, live authentically and confidently with the choices they have made about dating. Has experience working with Middle Eastern women with immigrant parents. Practicing therapy for 10 years and has a private practice in CA. 

www.bermudeztherapy.com 

www.instagram.com/bermudeztherapy/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with hearing Noura’s definition of codependency: when someone has to sacrifice their authenticity to have or maintain a connection. Seen when someone disowns themselves or a part of themselves, disowns their needs for something the want–love, approval, affection, etc. Noura emphasizes how there is a perk or benefit to our codependency–we just usually aren’t conscious of it. 

Noura opens up about codependency in her own life, including in her relationship with her father. She describes growing up and trying to meet his expectations and standards as a Muslim. This led to her keeping her dating life a secret from him since she dated outside her Muslim and Middle Eastern culture. She ended up marrying outside her culture and, while this put a strain on her relationship with her father, she was eventually able to heal it by putting intentional distance in their relationship and through conversations. 

We shift gears to Noura’s specialty: dating interculturally! She describes what codependency with family can look like in women who date outside their culture: living a secret life, hiding, secrecy, yearning for her family’s approval, not feeling okay until the parents’ feel okay, strain in the relationship, feelings like resentment, and attempts to convince/negotiate with family to approve of their partner. Sounds like My Big Fat Greek Wedding, yes???

Noura lists the short- and long-term consequences of codependency in these women, including sadness, a sense of grief, abandonment, underlying unhappiness, and attempts to conform to the family’s expectations by dating within the culture. Noura’s opinion: codependency and conforming with family’s expectations is not sustainable. 

Noura encourages women who want to date outside their culture to prepare for their family having their own reaction, getting in touch with their values and their ‘why,’ leaning on their support system, and inviting conversations. For the harsher realities like racism, prejudice, and disownment that may come when attempting to date outside one’s culture, Noura encourages seeking professional help, setting boundaries, and cultivating one’s own autonomy. 

We conclude with Noura emphasizing how radical acceptance, intentional distance, and having conversations with family can help the most in these situations. 

Thanks for coming on Noura! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

www.codependummy.com 

See you next week! 

-How were you a codependummy this past year? And how weren’t you?

-What are your takeaways/lessons learned from your codependency in 2023?

-What’s Marissa been up to since she last recorded a solocast in January?!

Welcome to Episode 156! This week, it’s me–your hostess mostest–back to share about my reflections on ways I was and wasn’t a codependummy in 2023. We start with a few announcements (one is very exciting!) and then check-in with how you are doing. I then reflect on 2023 and ways I did a decent job setting boundaries, honoring my needs, and taking care of myself despite my old codependent patterns. I articulate takeaways thanks to the progress and growth and hope that I model for you how you too can reflect on 2023 and your own codependency this past year. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More deets on the episode:

We begin with our old and familiar check in. How you doing boo?

I make a few announcements. So exciting!

Then I share some anecdotes from 2023 that demonstrate how I was a codependummy (at times) and ways I was not (the majority of the time. Yay!). You’ll hear how I navigated self-consciousness with my health, firing my former therapist, dealing with a family member’s mental health crisis, and planning a celebration for myself. 

I list the takeaways from these experiences and hope it serves as a model for you: how have or haven’t you been a codependummy this year? What do those interactions/experiences say about you and your overall progress? What takeaways have you made in 2023?

I share how I’ll likely be recording some more solocasts in the near future as I was graced with so many guests earlier this year and now…not so many. 

Mother yourself baby girl! I’ll see you next week! 

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

www.codependummy.com

-What does codependency look like in new mothers and fathers?

-And how about being codependent with grandparents (your parents as well as your in-laws)?

-How can new parents combat codependency generationally in order to foster interdependence in their children?

Welcome to Episode 155! This week, I’m joined by Jamie Givens, LMFT, to talk all about codependency in new parents. We discuss what codependency looks like in new parents between each other, with their children, then focus on grandparents - both your parents and in-laws. Jamie describes the short- and long-term consequences of unaddressed codependency in these relationships and what new parents can do to cultivate interdependence to honor their family unit. We conclude with hearing the long-term benefits of this work which can serve as motivation for new parents everywhere. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Jamie Given, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, group practice owner, wife and proud mother of 3 children. Her therapy practice is Given Guidance Family Counseling and emphasizes the importance of counseling for the whole family.

https://givenguidance.com 

(818)446-7488 - call and get $10 off your first session! 

More deets on this week’s episode: 

We begin with hearing Jamie’s definition of codependency with a focus on the individual who does not value themself and lacks self-confidence. She opens up about codependency in her own life via her relationship with her older sister. Jamie recalls how her sister spoke for her, interjected for her, and how they were always intertwined while growing up. As an adolescent, she found her voice and that caused conflict since she previously needed her sister for everything. 

We shift focus to one of Jamie’s specialties: helping new parents transition to parenthood. Jamie discusses how new parents are vulnerable to being codependent on their new baby! This manifests as a new parent perceiving their new baby as the potential source of unconditional love for them. Codependency can also exist between two parents on each other as well as with their parents - the grandparents of the baby. 

Jamie describes what codependency can look like in a new mother or father both with their biological parent (one set of grandparent) as well as with their in-laws (the other set of grandparents). A new father/husband/adult son can be codependent with his mother/new grandmother and be over-reliant on her for help and advice on how to parent his new baby. This can lead to conflict with his partner/wife/new mother. 

Jamie lists the short- and long-term consequences, including immediate conflict, disappointment, and unmet expectations. Long-term, this can lead to negative patterns, conflicts and eruptions, separation due to a lack of communication, and unaddressed assumptions. 

In order to combat generational codependency in new parents, Jamie suggests that partners 1) talk as much as possible (including before the baby comes), 2) have clear communication with the grandparents, 3) know their values and use them as a guide, and 4) involve the grandparents through education. 

If new parents are able to follow these suggestions and set healthy boundaries, Jamie asserts how this can lead to a healthy and successful family unit with ever-changing conversations that will productively address changing needs with the new baby. This will inevitably enhance the relationships and invite clear expectations between all involved in raising the baby. 

Thanks for coming on Jamie! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

-Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

See you next week! 

-What makes a parent a ‘narcissistic parent?’

-How does having a narcissistic parent often breed to codependency in their children and family members?

-If you have a narcissistic parent, what can you do to navigate their behaviors during the holidays?

Welcome to Episode 154! This week, I am joined by Anna Hollaender-Bird to spare you from your holiday misery if you happen to have a narcissistic parent. Anna discusses the common characteristics of a narcissistic parent and how their children or other family members may develop codependency in an attempt to navigate that relationship. We focus on what a narcissistic parent may act like during the holidays and the consequences if their behaviors go unaddressed. Spoiler: it ain’t pretty! We end with concrete suggestions from Anna on how you can deal with your narcissistic parent this holiday season. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Anna Hollaender-Bird is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), public speaker, and wellness advocate specializing in helping women, creatives,  and high achievers feel their best. Her favorite topic is dealing with your difficult or narcissistic parent. She runs engaging, informative, and most of all healing workshops on this topic.

www.talkwithanna.com 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with hearing Anna’s definition of codependency: it’s caretaking for others based in a survival response. Often seen in taking care of others and putting others needs above our own that’s rooted in our past, like our relationship with our parents, that serve as a template for what to expect from future relationships. 

Anna opens up about codependency in her own life in her relationship with her mother. She reflects on her wedding and how she was caretaking for her mother the day-of after her mother became upset. She lists her common codependent behaviors, including apologizing prematurely, trying to keep her mom happy, entertaining her mother, and planning to spend more time with her to avoid upsetting her. 

So, what does it mean to be a ‘narcissistic parent?’ Anna describes how narcissistic parents, when confronted, are unable to a) apologize and b) self-reflect on themselves. Their traits include being charming and generous then shifting to being blaming/punishing, hold and cold interactions, easily triggered, and focused on their needs. 

As a child of a narcissistic parent, one can be vulnerable to becoming codependent since they are required to ignore their own needs, keep their feelings to themselves, not ask for what they want, and are often in a fear response of their parent’s negative reaction. During the holidays, this can turn into high conflict, high expectations/demands, being performative, creating problems, anger in response to boundaries, and causing problems. 

If unaddressed, these patterns can lead to burn out, dread for the holidays, and a sense of mourning. Anna suggests practicing mindful self-compassion, setting limits and boundaries, bringing a buddy, creating a level of protection, self-care, and not being so hard on yourself.  

Thanks for coming on Anna! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

-Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

See you next week! 

-How might codependency in our relationships relate to the weight of our bodies?

-What impact does self-neglect have on our relationship with food, body, body image, and weight?

-How can codependents prioritize personal rituals in their daily routine to prioritize their physical health?

Welcome to Episode 153! This week we are joined by Dr. Susan Peirce Thompson, PhD, to investigate the connection between codependency and weight. Dr. Thompson explains how codependency and weight can relate, including how codependents may cope with their lives through food. We look at topics like self-neglect, self-sacrifice, and caregiving and how those contribute to weight loss or weight gain. Dr. Thompson shares about her work with clients and how she helps them create personal rituals to improve their relationship with food and ultimately themselves. We conclude with specific suggestions from Dr. Thompson on ways to improve our daily routine with food. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497  

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dr. SUSAN PEIRCE THOMPSON, PH.D., is the New York Times bestselling author of Bright Line Eating, The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook, and Rezoom. She is an Adjunct Associate Professor of Brain and Cognitive Sciences at the University of Rochester and an expert in the psychology of eating. She is president of the Institute for Sustainable Weight Loss and the founder of Bright Line Eating, a worldwide movement on a mission to help one million people have their Bright Transformations—the full physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional transformation that accompanies healthy, sustainable weight loss—by 2030. 

https://brightlineeating.com/ 

https://www.facebook.com/BrightLineEating 

https://www.instagram.com//brightlineeating/ 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKNuQvVX_3SzNALJlvieH-Q 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Dr. Thompson’s definition of codependency: when someone is doing for another what they could do for themselves. This may be for love, approval, to feel safe in themselves, or trying to prevent being hurt. She discusses the caregiver part related to IFS (Internal Family Systems) and how we often are wounded and trying to prevent further wounding. 

Dr. Thompson opens up about codependency in her own life and how her mother was codependent on her while she was an addict. 

We shift focus to Dr. Thompson’s specialty of our relationship to our weight. According to Dr. Thompson, our weight and codependency connect through 1) the addiction pathway; or 2) the consolation pathway. With addiction, codependents may be vulnerable to this pathway since we may rely on substances to cope with life, however, we unconsciously select substances, like food, that help us maintain all of our responsibilities. With the consolation pathway, codependents may reward themselves or view food as a “prize” for all their hard work or when things don’t go their way. 

Dr. Thompson details how codependency may directly impact our weight loss or weight gain. If we use food to help us “keep it together,” then we are likely to gain weight as a consequence. In contrast, if we are so over-focused on others and fulfilling their needs, we may neglect ourselves and lose weight due to self-neglect. She shares about her program, Bright Line Eating, and how she helps people get in touch with the underlying reasons that contribute to their problems with weight. She discusses the connection between weight and food addiction and how addicts and codependents are vulnerable to cross-addictions if they do not address the core issues contributing to their addiction. 

Dr. Thompson encourages us all to take her quiz at www.foodfreedomquiz.com to discover how susceptible we are to to food addiction. In order to create a healthier relationship with our weight and food, she suggests needing a more structured approach to eating, boundaries around meal time, establishing food rituals, incorporating meditation, inspirational readings, and journaling (ever heard of the 5-year journal?).  

Thanks for coming on Dr. Thompson!! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

-Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

See you next week! 

-What does it mean to ‘individuate?’ And how does it contrast with codependency?

-How can codependents work towards individuating?

-If we do individuate, how does that result in our feeling more whole and authentic?

Welcome to Episode 152! This week, my guest Jacqueline Schreiber, Associate MFT, is here to talk all about i n d i v i d u a t i o n. Jacqueline describes the common challenges that women face today and how those challenges often result in us being more codependent and reliant on others to meet our needs. In order to combat this pattern, she encourages that we individuate. You’ll hear her define the process of individuating and the steps she helps her clients take to work towards it. We conclude with how and why this process leads us to feel more whole, authentic, and aware. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest: 

Jacki Schreiber is an associate Marriage and Family Therapist. She received her Masters degree from Antioch University and is pursuing a PhD from Pacifica Graduate Institute. Jacki previously worked as a business consultant and, for the past 16 years, has done process work to heal from her family of origin. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/jacqueline-a-schreiber-los-angeles-ca/1140845

[email protected] 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Jacqueline’s (aka Jacki) definition of codependent: when two individuals are emotionally or psychologically dependent on one another due to undeveloped parts/skill sets from our development. 

Jacki opens up about codependency in her own life, revealing how she did not have anyone to attach to. She reflects on the enmeshment she had with her mother and how, at times, it was as if they were merged into one. 

We shift focus to Jacki’s specialty of working with women. She lists the challenges that women are facing today, including how we have too many demands for our attention (which enables our avoidance and ability to disconnect), our cultural conditioning to give, and our conditioning as caretakers. 

In order to address these challenges, Jacki is a proponent of individuation. This can be seen as the opposite of codependency, similar to interdependence, but the individual’s experience of interdependence. Jacki describes how she helps her clients work towards indivdiuating by working with their cognitive distortions, helping them become aware of their unconscious thoughts, creating safety, breathwork, shifting energy, and cultivating wholeness. 

Stop. Look. Listen. Feel. Trace. This helps us becom eaware of our triggers and look back to see if we can identify where they relate to our past. This leads to women getting in touch with their truth, wholeness, and authenticity. This also promotes our ability to be with ourselves–talk about the ultimate way to combat codependency! 

Thanks for coming on Jacki! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

-Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

See you next week! 

-What does codependency look like in the betrayed partners of sex addicts?

-How can the safety seeking behaviors of betrayed partners appear ‘codependent’ but really be forms of healthy healing?

-If you are a betrayed partner, what are the initial steps you can take to heal?

Welcome to Episode 151! This week, I am joined by Dan Drake, LMFT, LPCC, CCPS-S, CSAT-S, to talk all about codependency in the betrayed partners of sex addicts. Dan is here to set the record straight on how, despite some behaviors of betrayed partners may appear codependent, they are often necessary, healthy, and healing ways of coping. Dan educates us on the history of treating the betrayed partners of sex addicts and how they were seen as ‘sicker than their partners.’ We discuss what treatment of betrayed partners looks like today and end with suggestions on how you can heal if you have been betrayed. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dan Drake is a licensed clinician, a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist Supervisor as well as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Supervisor. He has co-authored several books, including Full Disclosure: How to Share the Truth after Sexual Betrayal and Letters from a Sex Addict: My Life Exposed. Dan is the is the Founder and Clinical Director of Banyan Therapy Group in Los Angeles.

Free Boundary Setting Resources: https://www.banyantherapy.com/resources/ 

https://www.banyantherapy.com/ 

https://www.instagram.com/banyantherapygroup/ 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9XcxIVClbH3Qjio0AWBs4Q 

https://twitter.com/i/flow/login?redirect_after_login=%2Fbanyantherapy 

https://www.facebook.com/BanyanTherapyGroup 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Dan’s definition of codependency: a way of managing one’s own internal state through others. Dan reveals his reluctance to use the definition due to the controversy and misdiagnosis of the term in the treatment of the betrayed partners of sex addicts. 

Dan reflects on codependency in his own life, including how he often deferred to others when it came to deciding everyday things like what to eat for dinner. He also shares how that pattern continues on sidewalks where he defers to others in his path which way he should move to avoid colliding. Can you relate?

Dan provides a brief history on the treatment of betrayed partners of sex addicts. Since it is a “process” rather than “chemical” addiction, it is different than treating substances. However, initially, the wives of male sex addicts were seen as the enabling, “sicker,” and neurotic codependent partner. Thankfully, in the early 2000s, this perspective was radically changed as many betrayed partners are not even aware of their partners’ addiction due to the inherent manipulation, secrecy, and ease with hiding the addiction. 

Dan and I explore how and why the safety seeking behaviors of betrayed partners may look codependent–but they aren’t! We grapple with behaviors like making excuses, secret-keeping, ‘snoopervising,’ and staying in the relationship. We agree that, since sex addiction is a process addiction, the behavior of the betrayed is more nuanced, and thus, more difficult to label objectively as ‘codependent.’ 

Dan discusses ways a partner can discern whether they are being abused/gaslit as they work towards healing. We conclude by healing how Dan helps couples navigate the healing process from sex addiction and how he helps the betrayed partner focus on the integration of their whole self. 

Thanks for coming on Dan! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

-Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

See you next week! 

-What does it look like to be addicted to another person?

-If we are addicted, how can we detach without the obsession?

-How can we avoid relationship addiction through being independent within a relationship?

Welcome to Episode 150! This week, Dr. Etel Leit joins us to discuss her book, Unaddicted to You. We take a deep dive Q&A where I take quotes and scenes from her book for her to expand on the codependency and relationship addiction she has overcome in her own life. You’ll hear Dr. Etel reflect on the codependency she experienced both at home and in romantic relationships and the impact that had in her adult life. We explore resources for those wanting to detach from unhealthy relationships and how one can do it without feeling so obsessive. To conclude, Dr. Etel describes how one can be independent within relationships–what a concept! It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dr. Leit is a leader in human communication research, family addiction advocate, professor, author, and mentor. She currently serves as a professor at Sofia University and is the owner of SignShine, a parenting center located in Beverly Hills. Her third book, "UnAddicted To You – Loving Yourself Through the Darkness," has become a best-seller and can be found on the shelves of Barnes and Noble.

Her book: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/unaddicted-to-you-loving-yourself-through-the-darkness-etel-leit/1139014237 

>>> Free Relationship Diagnose: https://etelleit.com/relationship-diagnostic-session 

>>> How to Stop People Pleasing: https://etelleit.com/people-pleasing-program 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with Dr. Etel’s definition of codependency: putting someone else as your higher power/God. That someone else could be something, a partner, one’s boss, parents, children, people, places, or things. 

We then take a deep dive into Dr. Etel’s book, Unaddicted to You. Here are the quotes she expands on: 

-I looked at everyone with a magnifying glass yet refused to look into my mirror… Dr. Etel reflects on the codependency from her childhood as well as her adulthood and emphasizes how she struggled to hold a mirror up to herself which made it impossible to access her intuition. 

-I am terrified to speak about it. know full well that if I dare to bring out the truth, it will certainly destroy me. It will create violent chaos with no way back. It will be better to pretend, hide the fact, and shove it deep into a hidden cabinet so no one will find it. But the truth keeps growing, and I need to block the door because it is in danger of bursting off the hinges. Dr. Etel shares on how we fear the repercussions will be so bad, that no one will believe us, and question ourselves which makes it hard to leave an abusive relationship. 

-“You are sick, too…you need help, go to Al-Anon.” Dr. Etel recalls her attendance in Al-Anon, psychotherapy, utilizing music, meditating, and building a support system as ways she was able to fight her codependency. 

-…I can admit it. My addiction was Dan. My addiction was judging him: looking and finding his faults, his blameworthiness, searching with extreme delight for his rotten skeletons in hidden closets…I will take care of myself. I will fight this compulsion. I will find myself in all of it. I will deal with this obsession. I will go back to my children and I will choose life!  Dr. Etel recollects choosing herself by setting healthy boundaries and how she was able to stop micromanaging others, including her ex-husband. 

-When you help someone, consider if they can help themselves…If you realize that you worry more about them than yourself, then you must turn around and start reclaiming your life. We conclude by hearing Dr. Etel’s suggestions on how you can be independent while in relationships. 

Thanks for coming on Dr. Etel! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

-Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

See you next week! 

-What does codependency look like in 12-step programs (even in Codependents Anonymous)?

-What are common vulnerabilities of codependents in 12-step programs?

-How can codependents avoid their common pitfalls in 12-step programs to get the most out of them?

Welcome to Episode 149! This week, Natalie Friedman is back to discuss codependency in 12-step programs. You’ll hear about the history of 12-step programs and how the principles that helped alcoholics get sober also helped their loved ones with their relationships. Natalie describes what codependency looks like in 12-step programs and how members can be vulnerable to codependency due to an emphasis on giving service, helping others, etc. We conclude with suggestions from Natalie on how codependents can participate in 12-step programs while avoiding our common pitfalls like people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and poor boundaries. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Natalie Friedman is a licensed marriage family therapist in private practice in Santa Monica CA. She has been in practice for about 10 years and is currently seeing people online and in person (prefers in person). Natalie loves working with highly sensitive folks who grew up in addicted/dysfunctional families.

www.natalietherapy.com 

Natalie’s initial interview on the podcast: https://codependummy.com/addicted-and-dysfunctional-families-with-natalie-friedman-lmft/ 

More deets on this week’s episode: 

We revisit Natalie’s definition of codependency and she adds what she’s found on Google: that it is described as a pattern, a condition, a set of behaviors, and an addiction. 

Natalie opens up about her codependent relationship with her mother, reflecting how “we were too close.” She shares how she merged her identity with her mother, was always about to “save” her mother, and felt she was the best caretaker/loyal daughter/needs-anticipator for her mom. 

We shift focus to codependency in 12-step programs. Natlaie provides some history on Alcoholics Anonymous and how a program for the loved ones of alcoholics, known as Al-Anon, began soon after since there was a recognition that they needed help too. In AA, alcoholics are powerless over alcohol, while in Al-Anon, members are powerless over people. 

Natalie describes what codependency can look like in 12-step meetings: people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, a need to control, and having high expectations from the program. She discusses the vulnerability of participants in these programs since they are often newly sober, emotionally raw, and susceptible due to their fragile state. This can lead to over-helping, strict adherence to the principles, and neglecting other areas of one’s life. 

Without addressing codependency in 12-step programs, participants are likely to end up feeling out of control, lost, frustrated, resentful, and dissatisfied in their relationships. In order to avoid these pitfalls, Natalie suggests practicing awareness, starting to read about the program (books like Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More), and putting language to what is happening. 

Thanks for coming on Natalie! And thank you for being here, dear listener!

PLEASE:

Rate. 

Review.

Subscribe. 

Share.

We need more ratings on Spotify! TY!

-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

-Support the show via a one-time secure donation: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC 

See you next week!