The Codependummy Podcast

-What is brainspotting and how can it be used to treat codependency?

-How can brainspotting help us move beyond our self-conscious thoughts, especially in therapy?

-Why is it important to incorporate somatic (body) and subcortical (brain) processing in our healing work?

Welcome to Episode 148! This week, I sat down with Lauren Worley, LCSW, to talk all about b r a i n s p o t t i n g. You’ll hear Lauren educate us on what brainspotting is, how it can treat codependency, and what makes it so unique and different compared to other forms of psychotherapy. Lauren describes the process of brainspotting that she takes with her codependent patients and how it can help them move beyond the people-pleasing, self-consciousness, and lack of boundaries that unfortunately come up in the therapy room. We conclude by hearing Lauren’s observations on how brainspotting has truly helped her codependent patients. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Lauren Worley, LCSW, is a mental health therapist located in La Crescenta, CA. She is passionate about using Brainspotting to help clients who are stuck in a talk therapy rut. She works with youth and young adults, many who are exploring who they might be in terms of gender, sexuality, and life and career paths. She runs a group practice and has two associates who specialize in couples therapy and sports performance.

www.foothillspsychotherapy.com 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with hearing Lauren’s definition of codependency: an imbalanced dependency that can occur in couples, platonic relationships, professional relationships, etc. Codependents often control others because they have no trust in others. Behaviors include people-pleasing, taking care of others, lacking trust, and being hurt or disappointed when their care is not reciprocated. 

Lauren opens up about codependency in her own life where she found herself “being in charge” of her children’s extracurriculars, activities, and scheduling since she did not trust her husband to take care of it. Can you relate?! She admits she was not able to trust him with small tasks and is now making an effort not to parent him nor be in charge. 

We shift gears to Lauren’s specialty: brainspotting! She describes the history of brainspotting and it’s connection to EMDR. “Where you look affects how you feel.” Brain spots are defined as where you stare off which can be related to deep trauma. The processing is both somatic and subcortical with an emphasis that the patient knows how to heal themself. 

We explore how brainspotting can help treat codependency, including help with boundary-setting, building trust with one self, and processing past events/memories. Lauren is able to work with her patients to identify a gaze spot, a memory, and help them revisit their emotions through their bodies in order to come to more empowering conclusions. 

Lauren shares about what is unique and different about brainspotting: one can process memories and past trauma faster; one can let go of people-pleasing and self-consciousness in session since it is a subcortical process; patients often experience deeper and newer insights. 

With her new patients, Lauren helps them identify what they want to heal from (front loading), going through the activation process to target past memories, and gain more awareness of where they experience their strong emotional responses in their body. She’s heard from multiple patients who have reported “I responded differently than I did before,” “I was calm when I responded,” and different approaches to previous triggers. Amazing!

Thanks for coming on Lauren! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

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-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

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See you next week!

-What are and what aren’t boundaries?

-How come the energy that boundaries are derived from (e.g., from a place of fear or love) is so important?

-What can you do to set and maintain your internal and external boundaries?

Welcome to Episode 147! This week, Karen McMahon is back to educate us all about boundaries! Karen shares with us what boundaries are and what they are not! We also hear about the distinction between internal and external boundaries then learn how to set AND maintain them. Karen shares about how and why the energy we set our boundaries from (e.g., from the energy of fear or love) is so important when it comes to setting authentic boundaries. We conclude with the initial steps Karen takes with her coaching clients to help them get clear on what they need, where their emotions are coming from, and how to channel that into setting healthy and sustainable boundaries. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on thise week’s guest:

Karen McMahon is Certified Relationship and Divorce Coach and Founder of Journey Beyond Divorce. Karen leads a national team of divorce coaches in supporting men and women around the world to become calm, clear and confident as they navigate divorce. Karen is the host of the acclaimed Journey Beyond Divorce Podcast, co-author of ‘Stepping out of Chaos: Turning Pain to Possibility”, creator of JBD’s exclusive Accelerated Divorce Recovery Program.

You can find Karen’s first interview on the podcast focused on Codependency and Divorce which aired in February 2022: https://codependummy.com/codependency-in-divorcees-with-karen-mcmohan-certified-divorce-coach/ 

Karen’s free quiz: https://www.jbddivorcesupport.com/relationshiphealthquiz  

https://www.jbddivorcesupport.com/ 

https://www.instagram.com/journey_beyond_divorce/ 

https://www.facebook.com/journeybeyonddivorce/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We revisit Karen’s definition of codependency and hear her add about the importance of the emotional energy underneath our behavior. Karen describes how codependency is often rooted in victim and conflict energy whereas, on our healing journy, we move towards energy of personal responsibility and compassion. When we are codependent, we abandon ourselves out of fear of something or a desire to gain something. 

Karen opens up about two recent experiences related to her codependency. In the first anecdote, she was accused of being codependnet with her adult children while she was grieving the loss of her mother. Karen went to therapy and was able to get clear with herself that it was not coming from a codependent place, but rather, a place of compassion and service for her children. In her second example, Karen noticed she was being codependent with her pets! She noticed herself wondering whether she was doing right by them, realized what she was doing, and laughed it off. 

We shift gears to Karen’s expertise with boundaries. What are boundaries according to Karen? Boundaries are derived from freedom, responsibility, and love. They are a paradigm, a skill, and like a fence around a yard that establishes one’s space but has a gate that let’s people in and out. 

Karen contrasts what boundaries are with what they are not: they are not a way to control people, they do not require strict adherence from others, they are not ultimatums, they cannot be used to change another’s behavior, and they cannot be weaponized/punitize/penalize others. I ask Karen why she believes we codependents often warp boundaries into attempts to control others. Karen revisits her emphasis on the energy from which they come from: if the boundaries we set are coming from victim energy compared to compassion/service energy, then we may be doing something other than setting an authentic boundary. 

Karen educates us on the distinction between internal and external boundaries, where internally we can create limits so others aren’t able to “make” us feel any certain way. We conclude with hearing where to begin with setting boundaries: ask yourself ‘What do I need? Where am I at energetically? Where are my emotions at?,’ own our stuff, and discern who is and isn’t healthy in our lives. 

Thanks for coming on Karen! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

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See you next week!

-What does codependency look like in CEOs and leaders?

-How can work culture and company values mask codependent behavior in leaders and staff?

-What’s underneath a codependent CEOs behavior? And how can they begin to address it?

Welcome to Episode 146! This week, Melissa Bennett-Heinz is back to expose the codependent behavior plaguing leaders and CEOs. We often do not associate ‘codependent’ with the title of CEO, however, Melissa shares with us about how work culture and company values enable codependent behavior like people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, and prioritize the needs of others (i.e., the company) above oneself. Melissa describes the codependent patterns of CEOs and what is often underneath those behaviors, including low self-esteem, boundary issues, and conflict avoidance. We conclude with hearing the initial steps Melissa takes with her CEO clients to help them break their codependent patterns. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on thise week’s guest:

Melissa Bennett-Heinz is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in the states of New York, Washington, Texas, and North Carolina and has over 20 years of specialized training and experience in the treatment of PTSD, sexual trauma, childhood abuse, chronic mental illness, and mood and anxiety disorders. Melissa primarily works with adults in both individual and group settings with people who are highly educated and successful, C-Suite executives who appear to have it together and are "happy" but are stuck in old relational patterns, struggle with perfectionism, relationships, and codependency. 

www.melissabennettheinz.com 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissa-bennett-heinz-149807a/ 

https://facebook.com/melissa.bennettheinz 

Melissa’s first interview on Codependummy: https://codependummy.com/gestalt-therapy-101-with-melissa-bennett-heinz/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin with revisiting Melissa’s definition of codependency and what she has to add today: every relationship has codependency in it, whether it is with a person, children, or an entity like a company/group. The word ‘codependent’ is an attempt to explain a relationship dynamic that can go bad, however, there is healthy codependency and unhealthy codependency. Parents, for example, often display codependent behavior that is categorically healthy. 

We revisit Melissa’s previous interview where she shared about a codependent interaction returning her shopping cart at ALDI. Today, she reflects on her codependency as her own CEO of her private practice. As her own boss, she has had to find how she holds boundaries with her business while being fluid with them. Her anecdote about a client who was unable to afford a recent fee raise is the perfect example of how boundaries are relative and not always one-size-fits-all. 

We shift focus to one of Melissa’s specialties: working with CEOs and leaders. She describes codependent behavior in this population, including sacrificing their own needs for the needs of the company. Due to company values, codependent behavior is masked through team work, employee engagement, and customer service. 

Melissa then contrasts the external behaviors of CEOs and leaders to what is going on underneath: their external motivation and fixation on company success is often derived from their low self-esteem; their servitude, selflessness, and self-sacrifice is rooted in their need for power and control; their people-pleasing and customer service is connected with their insecurity; and their enmeshment with employees is the consequence of their boundary issues. Melissa emphasizes how their key to failure is trying to please everyone. 

We conclude with hearing how Melissa begins her work to address the codependent behavior in her CEO clients. Due to the stigma of codependency, Melissa starts slow and helps them shift their focus on their problems to their feelings. She helps them find ways to give voice to what is feeding the behavior and educates them on shame, guilt, and fear. Through her work using Gestalt therapy, her clients are able to get back to a healthier place and lead in a more integrated manner. 

Thanks for coming on Melissa! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

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See you next week!

-What does codependency look like in teen boys?

-How can adolescence be a “hot bed” for codependency due to developmental, social, and cultural factors?

-What are the long-term consequences of unaddressed codependency in the lives of young men?

Welcome to Episode 145! This week, I am joined by Sipan Nazaryan, Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, to discuss codependency in teen boys. I for one do not think of teen boys when the word codependency is mentioned, however, Sipan is here to educate us on what codependency looks like in the lives of male teens with their friends, parents, mentors, and romantic interests. We explore Sipan’s approach when he notices codependent behavior in his teen boys and how he connects with them, especially those who are resistant to therapy. We take a look at codependency between parents and their teen sons and how it harms their ability to individuate. We conclude with hearing about the long-term consequences of unaddressed codependency in these young men. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on thise week’s guest:

Sipan Nazaryan, Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, graduated from Pepperdine the summer of 2023 with a masters in Clinical Psychology. He has worked under Kent Toussaint at Child & Teen Counseling for his traineeship. Sipan currently is working under Anita Avedian at Anger Management 818 / Avedian Counseling Center for his associateship. 

https://childteencounseling.org/ 

https://angermanagement818.com/ 

Contact: [email protected] 

Connection Parenting Book Sipan references: https://www.amazon.com/Connection-Parenting-Through-Instead-Coercion/dp/1932279768 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with hearing Sipan’s definition of codependency: an addiction to a specific relationship; where one has difficulty distinguishing where they end and someone else begins. And how does that look in the population Sipan specializes in working with: teen boys? Codependent teen boys often see themselves through the eyes of another; they’re perspective is skewed through another’s lens; they take in another person’s perspective to an extreme; they find purpose in a relationship; they “have to” be with someone in particular; and they lose their friends due to an over-focus on another relationship. On social media, these types of relationships are often referred to as “my twin flame” or “soul mate.” 

So what does codependency look like in teen boys (since we don’t often expect them to be codependent)? Sipan shares how teen boys are susceptible to codependency since they are in a state attempting to individuate while also susceptible to the influence of their parents, friends, mentors, coaches, etc. This phase of life requires boundary setting and group embeddedness, however, if they struggle to set boundaries or become too embedded in their relationships, they can fall into the grasp of codependency. 

And how does Sipan approach working with teen boys, especially those who are resistant to therapy? Sipan acknowledges how this population is often difficult to work with for therapists. Through a series of steps, Sipan connects with his teen client’s parents, establishes the teen client’s autonomy in therapy, sets boundaries with the parents, and connects with his client through the self-object and timeline activities. 

Sipan reflects on how work with teen boys and their parents who were codependent on them. This looks like the parent projecting anxiety onto their son, being hyper-protective of them, and an overall discomfort with their son individuating. Sipan works with the parents by providing psychoeducation to help them connect with their son on a deeper level to avoid always providing instruction or correction to him while lessening their codependent grip. 

We end with hearing a message of warning and hope for young men: if their codependency is unaddressed, their relationships are left fragile and lacking stability. With help from therapy, teen boys are able to create strong, stable relationships and can cope with difficulty much better. 

Thanks for coming on Sipan! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

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-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

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See you next week!

-How do couples interact when they are under the ‘spell of codependency?’

-Why is it that ‘high-functioning’ codependents act immature and childlike in romantic relationships?

-What can couples do to break their codependent patterns?

Welcome to Episode 144! This week, the amazing Connie Morlett Maddison, LMFT, joins us to talk about her experience treating codependency in couples. Connie shares about the couples she has worked with and how the ‘high-functioning’ codependent partner often behaves in an immature, childlike, and over-reliant manner when it comes to problem-solving, conflict, and compromise. We also discuss the dynamic between the ‘codependent partner’ and the ‘partner they are codependent on’ since it is a symbiotic relationship! It’s not all on the codependent! We conclude with ways Connie helps couples combat codependency through ‘uncoupling’ and improving their respective relationships with themselves. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on thise week’s guest:

Connie Morlett Maddison, LMFT,  is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Claremont, California. She is also an adjunct professor teaching clinical psychology with an emphasis in Multicultural and Latino Community mental health. Connie proudly identifies as Chicana, born in East Los Angeles, and raised by her maternal grandparents in Queretaro, Mexico.

www.morlettcounseling.com 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with Connie’s definition of codependency: when one surrenders their own identity for the benefits of love, security, safety, belonging, and survival. She emphasizes how being dependent is nothing to villainize and how, from a sociological lens, it is a good thing. However, when relationships become conditional like codependency often does, it is unhealthy. 

Connie recollects her own codependent relationship with her younger sister. Due to their circumstance, they relied heavily on one another and this lead to each of them wanting the other’s approval, love, validation, and so on. Connie highlighted how, if and when she did not get the approval or communication from her sister that she needed, it felt like abandonment. Such a great description of our codependent experience!

We shift gears to Connie’s expertise: working with couples in therapy. She shares her observations of the codependent parter’s behavior, including how we often seize our partners, give up our autonomy/self-trust/wisdom/intuition, become child-like and immature during conflict, and rely on our partner as a “mighty source.” This looks like bickering, fighting, passive-aggressiveness, and name-calling on the day-to-day. 

And what about the partner of the codependent? We often focus on our behavior but it’s a symbiotic relationship! What about the partner in this dynamic? Connie states how the relationships are symbiotic “and they can become parasitic.” The other partner has been codependent too! Their behavior includes staying in the relationship and fulfilling needs despite how draining it is. 

To address these challenges, Connie has couples ask themselves: how do you get your needs met for yourself first? They must have a willingness and motivation to have a relationship with themselves first THEN address the needs in the relationship. What needs are most important to you? Attention, acceptance, affection, appreciation, or allowance. 

We conclude with Connie’s experience of witnessing couples do the work of “uncoupling” and creating a relationship with themselves: they feel relieved, responsible for their own needs, and become sexy to one another as mature partners! 

Thanks for coming on Connie! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

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See you next week!

-How can you shift your mindset from being “chosen” to choosing in the dating world?

-What do codependents look like when dating and are trying to be “chosen?”

-How can you recognize your own worth whether or not you’re in a relationship?

Welcome to Episode 143! In this episode, we are graced with the presence of Dontea’ Mitchell-Hunter who is here to help us change our codependent mindset when it comes to dating. Dontea’ details what codependents tend to look like when we’re dating and highlights a common mindset: contorting ourselves to be “chosen” by a partner. We explore how to change this mindset from being “chosen” to doing the choosing! Dontea’ provides specific steps we can take to nurture our self-worth and stop defining it through a relationship. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest:

Dontea’ Mitchell-Hunter is a self-worth coach, therapist, and speaker that helps women get out of unfulfilling relationships and recreate self-love & happiness - single or partnered. Dontea’ is also the host of the Situationsh!t Podcast, where she fearlessly tackles those common mental health hang ups that we've all experienced, from feeling like you’re too much to not enough at all. She wants women to know their worth doesn’t come from being in a relationship nor what others think of them.

www.soireesintherapy.com 

www.dontea.co 

Free situationship quiz: www.dontea.co/quiz 

https://www.instagram.com/soireesintherapy 

https://www.tiktok.com/@soireesintherapy 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with hearing Dontea’s definition of codependency: when in relation with another, seeing them as a life source. “I need them or else my life will not be as vibrant, hopeful, exciting. I will be nothing and have nothing without you.” 

Dontea’ opens up about codependency in her own life, including a former friendship during college where “we did everything together.” Dontea’ recalls how it ended in a big blow up where she was left feeling hurt and with very few connections since she had focused on that friendship so much. We discuss the “codependent fork” she came to and how we all are often presented with these choices: stay with the familiar versus make a change. Oh, how easy it is for us to choose sticking with the familiar, right?

We shift focus to Dontea’s work with those in the dating world. She lists common codependent behaviors when dating: pressure, especially for women, to “get it right;” avoid scaring a date off, avoid a date judging you, attempting to be “chosen,” get a 2nd date, contort oneself. I recall how I cried when I first met my now-husband since I was so terrified that I could ruin it or scare him off. 

Dontea’ details how we can change our mindset to that of being “chosen” to doing the choosing ourselves. Spoiler alert: it’s a process! She emphasizes how we need to: 1) take time to ask yourself and get to know what you want, what you need, and how you want to show up; 2) challenge your old mindset by affirming “I deserve this;” 3) Practice choosing by continually asking yourself if you like the person your dating, whether you want to communicate with them, etc.; and 4) seek support from a circle who have the same mindset. 

Dontea’ offers ways we can recognize our codependency in dating and make changes to nurture our self-worth. She advises to be curious and reflect if you find yourself ruminating, thinking “now my life can start” thanks to being with someone, and think you need to be needed. In regards to self-worth, Dontea’ suggests spending time with oneself, creating your own definition of self-worth, and aligning your life with that definition. 

Thanks for coming on Dontea’! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

-Sign up for the newsletter: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

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See you next week!

-What does codependency look like in families navigating addiction?

-Why is it that setting boundaries is so emphasized in these families?

-How do you set boundaries with loved ones struggling with addiction? And does it lead to living happily ever after?

Welcome to Episode 142!  In this episode, Nick Bognar returns to discuss codependency in families navigating addiction. We all know that codependents tend to take on their caretaking roles with dependents (those struggling with addiction or alcoholism) but what does that really look like? Nick describes the common traits of codependents in families navigating addiction and why setting boundaries is so important in these situations. Nick gets specific on what it looks like to set boundaries, both with addicts and other family members, and how to overcome the pain that often comes with boundaries. We conclude with a message from hope about the long-term positive changes boundaries provide. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

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Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest: 

Nick Bognar is a therapist in Pasadena, CA who specializes in men's issues and codependence. Nick's favorite thing in the world is helping clients learn how to set boundaries. In his spare time, Nick acts in various film projects under the stage name "Ryan Gosling".

www.nickbognartherapy.com 

Resource for therapists: https://go.actionpracticebuilding.com

https://www.instagram.com/nickbognarmft/ 

Nick’s first episode on The Codependummy Podcast: https://codependummy.com/codependency-as-a-super-power-say-what/ 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin by hearing Nicks’ expansion on his initial definition of codependency: taking care of people until it kills you…which is made of a set of behaviors, set of beliefs where there’s a non-reciprocity with people or the world. These behaviors, beliefs, and the lack of reciprocity tend to cause a lot of misery, suffering, and lead people into therapy. 

Nick opens up about codependency in his life, including when he worked as a waiter. He recalls how he was good at it thanks to being adept at anticipating people’s needs. He’d extend himself to his customers and often end up feeling betrayed, miserable, and disappointed since he took care of their needs and they did not take care of his. 

We shift focus to codependency in families navigating addiction. Nick details codependent behaviors in these families, including secret-keeping, an over-focus on a “problem child” while ignoring the addiction, caretaking, and preserving the notion of peace. 

Nick spells out why setting boundaries is so often emphasized in these families: 1) there is an overstepping of boundaries in said families; and 2) lack of boundaries lead to neglect of self-care. The boundary-less-ness leads a codependent to take on a role of being caring, anticipating needs, allowing abuse, and suffering quietly. 

We explore what boundaries look like in these families which fall on a spectrum: on one end, boundaries with an addict can involve a complete cut-off from communication; on the other end, it can be refusing to be around them when they drink/use. Nick highlights how boundaries often are confused as a way to say “no,” however, it’s truly a way to say “yes” to maintaining relationships. 

While boundaries are painful, Nick stresses how no amount of help on your part will save a loved one. He recalls helping former clients with setting boundaries and shares a message hope for the positive impact they can have. So go out there and set those boundaries! 

Thanks for coming on Nick! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-What is dynamic therapy and how can it treat codependency?

-How can dynamic therapy help us develop awareness of our internal world?

-What are the initial steps you can take to get clear on what your thinking, feeling, and needing?

Welcome to Episode 141! This week, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Ann Krajewski about her specialty: dynamic therapy. In the episode, you’ll hear Dr. Ann define dynamic therapy and how it can help treat codependency. Dr. Ann describes how codependency is perceived through a dynamic lens and it’s emphasis on helping codependents understand their internal world. We explore defense mechanisms, a key concept in dynamic therapy, as well as the most common defense mechanisms amongst codependents. We conclude with Dr. Ann sharing the initial steps she takes with her clients to heal their relationships with others and themselves. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest: 

Dr. Ann Krajewski is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Virginia. She works with adults who struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, low self-esteem, and codependency. She assists her clients in healing their relationship with others and themselves so they can live a more full and satisfying life.

www.dynamichealingpsychotherapy.com 

More deets on the episode:

We begin with hearing Dr. Ann’s definition of codependency. She emphasizes how codependency often develops in individuals who “had something happen to them.” This contributes to an underdevelopment in their sense of self that results in them being attuned to the wants/needs of others while being disconnected from themselves. Ann provides examples, including having a narcissistic parent, experiencing trauma, being the victim of abuse, or chronic neglect. 

Dr. Ann opens up about codepedency in her own life, personal and professional. As a practitioner, she was codependent on the input and advice from others. Personally, she was convinced her life was “over” after a long-term relationship ended. The latter experience revealed to Dr. Ann that she had unhealed parts of herself to work on (love that term ‘unhealed parts,’ right?).

We shift to Dr. Ann’s specialty: dynamic therapy. She shares how the dynamic approach to therapy is based in psychodynamic and psychoanalytic theory. The emphasis in dynamic therapy is to help a client understand their internal world–how it was formed, how it is sustained, and the patterns that maintain it. She highlights the focus on helping clients put words to their experience in order to develop insights to change their patterns. 

Dr. Ann details how codependency is seen through a dynamic therapy lens. In the relational sense, codependency develops when needs or feelings are denied/dismissed which results in an underdevelopment in their sense of self. Through the internal aspect, there is a focus on the defense mechanisms that are used (unconsciously) to manage thoughts and feelings. The emphasis is to get to the origin of our defense mechanisms. 

We discuss common defense mechanisms of codependents, including projection, reaction formation, and turning against the self to avoid feelings like anger, grief, and sadness. 

Dr. Ann offers the initial steps she takes with her clients to help them heal their relationships with others and themselves. She aims to help her clients develop an understanding of what is happening/their reality, helps them articulate what they are thinking/feeling/experiencing, focus on talking about themselves and their reality, and gives them agency as it is deeply uncomfortable to think for themselves. 

Thanks for coming on Dr. Ann!! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

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See you next week!

-What does codependency look like with coaches, mentors, and gurus?

-What can go wrong when you rely too much on a coach?

-How can you focus on your inner work to ultimately decide what is best for you? (rather than continuing to rely on the advice of others)

Welcome to Episode 140! This week, Dr. Rima Bonario is back for her third interview! During our time together, we took an in-depth look at what codependency can look like with coaches, mentors, gurus (really any authority figure). As a coach, Rima sheds light on what codependency can look like as a participant/mentee/student: leaving your brain at the door. She describes the good and bad of being codependent with a coach, the long-term consequences, and what codependents can be mindful of to avoid an over-reliance on mentors. We conclude with Rima’s advice on how to focus on our inner work to avoid so much outer dependence on others. It’s a must-listen. 

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest: 

Dr. Rima Bonario is a Dream Weaver, Soul-Coach and Wild-Heart Healer who draws from the culmination of 30 years of her own evolution to help women experience personal wholeness, relationship harmony, and material abundance in their lives. 

Medicine, Magic, and Money 5-module course for FREE: https://www.thesevenqueendoms.net/money

www.rimabonario.com 

www.facebook.com/rimabonario 

More deets on the episode: 

Rima is back for the 3rd time ya’ll! What a gift! We start off with hearing what codependency looks with coaches/mentors/gurus (and other authority figures!). Rima describes how, as a participant, codependency can look like: finding someone you resonate with and concluding “this person has all the answers.” She describes how codependents will “leave our brain at the door” and potentially make decisions that our coach wants, however, are out of alignment with our ultimate goals. 

We hear how Rima has observed codependency in herself as well as her coaching clients. She describes how, culturally, we love the “expert” archetype. However, if we are not careful, we neglect to think critically about their advice/input/teaching and do things that don’t work for us. Rima emphasizes how we must balance our lineage and gnosis. 

Rima highlights how codependents are vulnerable to vertical and horizontal worship in coaching settings: we worship our coach while attempting to please our peers. “This soothes us but it is a trap.” Ultimately, blind codependency with a coach/mentor/guru can lead us to spend money excessively on their programs, feeling more confused about our direction, relying on outer guidance excessively, and poor self-esteem. 

How can we avoid codependency with coaches/mentors/gurus? Rima suggests “taking your ‘no’ with you,” taking time for inner wisdom/guidance, practicing self-forgiveness and self-compassion, knowing your goals, and inhabiting ease. 

Rima spells out initial steps to cultivating our inner work, including a focus on being over doing, affirmations, attributing our success to ourselves, using mistakes as teaching moments, co-creating with others (like coaches), and working through a place of ease. 

Thanks for coming on Rima! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

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-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

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See you next week!

-What does it mean to “people-please?”

-Why do many women, in particular, engage in people-pleasing behaviors?

-What are the initial steps you can take to STOP people-pleasing?

Welcome to Episode 139! This week, we are graced with the presence of Alyse Freda-Colon for her second interview all about: PEOPLE-PLEASING. In the episode, you’ll hear Alyse define what “people-pleasing” means (since we all self-identify as such but do we really know what it means?). We then look into why women in particular are vulnerable to people-pleasing, what it looks like in our day-to-day life, and what the short- and long-term consequences are (believe me, it ain’t pretty!). Alyse shares how she helps her clients, especially those in her group Are You Mad At Me?, to stop people-pleasing and embrace that some people may not like us. It’s a must-listen!

Links for the show:

Sign up for the newsletter to receive all things codependummy: https://keap.app/contact-us/2302598426037497 

Journal! The Confiding Codependummy: 30 Days of Journaling Prompts for a Less-Codependent and More-Conscious YOU for just $1 a day. www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing

FREEBIE! The Self-Validation Challenge: Learn to validate your GD self: www.codependummy.com/challenge 

Money! Funds! Help support the show via a one-time donation via secure Paypal link: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=RJ3PSNZ4AF7QC

Work with me! Email [email protected] to inquire about psychotherapy, coaching, or coming on the show!

More on this week’s guest: 

Alyse Freda-Colon is a therapist in private practice in New York and has recently launched 2 small group coaching programs-Stop Dating Assholes! and Are you Mad at Me?, the latter is for women who are overthinking people pleasers who are tired of bending themselves into a pretzel to make everyone around them happy, often at their own expense.

Coachingwithalyse.com

https://www.instagram.com/coachingwithalyse/ 

Join Alyse’s group: https://www.coachingwithalyse.com/are-you-mad-at-me 

More deets on the episode: 

We begin by hearing Alyse expand on her definition of codependency: “When you’re emotional okay-ness is dependent on someone else.” She adds how codependents cannot compartmentalize or separate themselves from others. 

We shift focus to what it specifically means to people-please. Alyse describes how it can be seen as a negative description and, in contrast, as a “badge of honor.” This involves self-sacrifice, putting your needs at the bottom of the list, giving without replenishment, doing whatever you can regardless of how it impacts you, and controlling the narrative. 

Alyse shares with us what people-pleasing looks like day-to-day: with spouses, children, and friends. This manifests through behaviors like: not saying “no,” having a fear of disappointing others, giving excessively, neglecting to asks for needs, and staying quiet to keep the peace. 

And why are women vulnerable to people-pleasing? Alyse spells out how, due to cultural conditioning, women are concerned with how we are perceived by others. This is a consequence of our modeling of caretaking behavior, reinforcement from others, negative judgment from others, etc. 

We discuss the short- and long-term consequences of people-pleasing. For the short-term, we end up not getting self-care, feeling unfulfilled, lack time to care for ourselves, and miss out on self-decadence/self-indulgence (the good kind!). For the long-term, the consequences include becoming resentful, martyrdom, identity crises, and not being a person onto oneself. 

What’s a codependent to do to stop people-pleasing? Schedule time for yourself, work through your fears of others being mad at you, use interactions as an opportunity to feel disliked, sit with the feelings, and get comfortable with the fact that not all people will like you. 

Thanks for coming on Alyse! And thank you for listening, my dear listener!

PLEASE:

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-The Self-Validation Challenge - free 30-day guide to providing yourself with all the validation you seek: www.codependummy.com/challenge

-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email [email protected] to work with me!

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See you next week!