Q: What do you get when you cross The Lost Boys with The Craft but make it awful?

A: J.S. Cardone and Renny Harlin's The Covenant (2006), which features hot boy witches throwing globs of CGI semen at each other!

We have so much to say about this nonsense, including its overly complicated mythology and self-serious tone, villainous bisexual king Chase (played by Sebastian Stan), thankless damsels in distress, and addiction/gay allegories (paging Buffy S06).

Plus: insects vs spiders, throwing the script supervisor under the bus, and why Stephen McHattie should have had a bigger role!

Reference: DeVaughn Taylor. "The Covenant: A Queer-Coded Paradox." Horror Press

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Theme Music: Alexander Nakarada