This week on the Dad & Daughter Connection podcast, we delved deep into the challenges and joys of fatherhood with Dan Command, also known as Dan c Bearded. Join us as we explore parenting, passion, and finding balance in life.

The Journey to Fatherhood

In raising a daughter, Dan Command, a father of three, has embraced an adventure filled with both challenges and unforgettable moments. Reflecting on the initial excitement and trepidation he felt upon learning he would have a daughter, Dan shared how this milestone marked a pivotal moment in his life. With two older boys, he was already familiar with the obstacles and joys of raising sons. However, welcoming a daughter sensitized him to the unique dynamics and the responsibility to raise her as a strong, independent woman.

Managing Fears and Challenges

It's natural for many fathers to experience a mix of excitement and fear when thinking about raising a daughter. Dan acknowledges these anxieties but views them through the lens of his upbringing alongside his strong and driven sisters. Drawing from this experience, he shared, helped alleviate his fears and instill a sense of confidence in his parenting approach. His discussion highlighted the importance of nurturing both strength and sensitivity in his daughter, instilling values that will prepare her for life's challenges.

Balancing Work and Family Life

Switching gears from a traditional teaching career to becoming an influencer has significantly impacted Dan’s life. He transitioned from being a recognizable educator and coach to cultivating an online persona through his Dan c Bearded platform. This transformation demanded that he maintain a work-life balance like never before. Dan's transparency about his journey underlines the importance of active participation in the lives of his children amid professional demands. By including his children in his work and sharing his experiences with them, he creates a familial atmosphere that encourages understanding and connectivity.

Learning Through Coaching

Dan’s rich history as a coach introduced another layer of depth to his parenting philosophy. He recounted the essential lessons from coaching, such as fostering passion without exerting undue pressure, which have guided him in his parenting journey. His children’s involvement in soccer, though not his sport of choice, emphasized his commitment to supporting their interests. It is through these shared experiences that Dan strengthens his bond with his kids, fostering an environment where they feel supported, loved, and encouraged to pursue their passions.

Final Thoughts

Through his journey, Dan exemplifies the fulfillment and joy found in the role of a father. His story underscores the essence of embracing each parenting moment, cherishing the long days, and recognizing that the years are indeed short. His advice to prioritize and actively engage with children serves as a powerful reminder to all parents. Dan Command's narrative on the Dad & Daughter Connection is a tribute to the dedication and love that shapes a father’s journey, inspiring others to be the best dads they can be.

Parenting is a continuous learning process filled with highs and lows. As fathers, embracing the journey with open hearts and minds while fostering a nurturing environment is crucial. Leveraging lessons from our experiences, just as Dan Command has shared, can immensely impact our relationships with our children. Tune into more episodes of Dad & Daughter Connection and join our community to keep enriching your fatherhood journey.

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TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to The Dad & Daughter Connection podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. As always, every week, you and I get a great opportunity to be able to talk about raising our daughters and the things that we're doing to be able to help them to become those strong, independent women that we want them to be. And it's not always gonna be easy. There's going to be bumps in the road. There's going to be things that you're going to be challenged by. But all of that helps you helps you to be able to become better if you let it. And it's so important to be able to be open to learning, listening, and hearing from other dads that are going through the same experiences that you may be going through, but also maybe going through some different experiences.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:08]: Because through the conversations that we have here on this podcast, through the opportunities that you have to be able to hear them and learn from them, you can add some tools to your own toolbox and help you to be able to create ways to help you to be more engaged and more and more active in your children's lives. So that's why this week, I am really excited to be able to have another new guest on the show. Dan Command is with us today, and Dan is also known as Dan c Bearded, and that's his influencer name. And if you look him up, you're gonna see when we talk about bearded, he has a great beard. I know we we don't have the video going on this, but you'll see in the picture on our podcast today that he does have a very commanding beard, we'll say. And he works with people around the world to be able to foster beard health and to be able to help them to do things to help their beard to be the best that they want it to be as well. But he is a father of 3, 2 boys and a girl, so we're gonna be talking about that today. We'll focus a little bit on being a father to a daughter, of course, but I'm really excited to be able to have him here and to welcome him to the show.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:25]: Dan, thanks so much for being here today.

Dan Command [00:02:27]: Oh, thank you so much. I am very excited. Everything you kinda led up with are conversations that mainly me and my wife have every single day about raising a strong girl, but the challenges that comes with that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:39]: Well, I'm really excited to be able to talk to you today. As I said, you have 3 kids, and your 2 oldest are boys, and then you had your daughter. And I know she's 4. So I wanna take this back. It might be 5 years. It could be 4 years. But let's go back to that first moment. That first moment that you found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:58]: What was going through your head?

Dan Command [00:02:59]: Oh, man. A lot. So my wife, Sam, she's unbelievable superwoman. She is an only child. She had a challenging kinda decorated upbringing where she went from different parent, biological dad walked out at a young age. Mom had a bunch of challenges, lived with different people. Essentially, when she got in high school, her stepdad and mom got divorced. He tried to adopt her and was not able to, and she ended up living with him.

Dan Command [00:03:26]: And so had this very decorated parenting past and essentially her whole life, she wanted to be a mom and wanted to be a mom to a girl. And she wanted to do it in the way that she felt she deserved as a kid. And so that was kind of, like, her calling. And so we got pregnant. We had a boy. We got pregnant again. We had a boy. And then we were absolutely, like, dedicated to having a daughter.

Dan Command [00:03:51]: So we were gonna try to get pregnant one more time. And, essentially, it was either gonna be we were gonna have a daughter and that was it, or we were gonna have a child and then we're gonna adopt a daughter. We even had an adoption agency lined up. It was that serious to us and something that meant so much to my wife. And we got the news that she was pregnant. And then, of course, when we went in and got the gender reveal and it was a girl, very emotional time, very just excited, very, like, relief for my wife. And so my head was kind of just focused on that, just how happy I was for her and how I was excited for this next chapter. My sons at that time, because they were 3 and 5, So we had 2 young sons at the time.

Dan Command [00:04:31]: And so just kind of a whirlwind, but massive excitement.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:34]: It definitely is an exciting time and especially probably throwing you into a little bit of a loop in regard to the fact of you're in this groove and you you know what it's like to grow up as a boy, but you've got 2 boys already. 35, you have had them in your life for a while. You've gotten you've gotten into that groove of what it takes to be a dad to a son, and now you're going back and you're having to learn some new things to be able to be that father to a daughter. When I talk to dads, one of the things that I hear a lot is that there's some fear that goes along with that, and there's a lot of different reasons for that. But as you think about raising your daughter, what's been your biggest fear in raising your daughter?

Dan Command [00:05:19]: Yeah. That's a great question. Not something I've really thought about, to be fully honest. I'm kind of a a one foot in front of the other guy. I don't have a ton of anxiety or fear. I think one thing that helped me with having the concept of a daughter, other than my wife being so passionate about wanna raise a daughter, is I had I have 2 siblings and I was the oldest and both of my siblings are my sisters. So I had 2 girls that I grew up with close in age, a year and a half, and then a couple of years apart. And they were very intelligent, still are obviously, very intelligent, very strong girls that I grew up with.

Dan Command [00:05:51]: Both of them are U of M Ann Arbor graduates, by the way. And my youngest sister went to U of M Ann Arbor and then went to the hospital management graduate school. And so she runs on the business side and marketing side of Northwestern Hospital in Chicago. And so I grew up with her, one of the kindest, one of the most athletic, like, genuine people you would ever meet. And then my middle sister, who's a year and a half younger than me, she went to U of M undergrad and then Cornell Law School. And so she is an Ivy League lawyer, and she was born an Ivy League lawyer. And so growing up with a a younger sister that was very strong willed, very stubborn, very intelligent, very argumentative, I know firsthand for essentially my entire life what it's like to have a strong, stubborn, will powered, filled girl, essentially in every room that I've ever been in in my life. And so it wasn't something that was really fearful for me.

Dan Command [00:06:45]: And it was actually reassuring knowing that I was gonna bring a daughter into this world that had such strong role models around her, whether it's her aunts, whether it's her mom, or anybody we surround ourselves with. And so for me, it was just the matter of, like, okay. How do I make sure she is safe? How do I set the example as a man by my actions on how men should treat women and show her rather than try to tell her? And then also love the fact that she had 2 older brothers kinda guiding her along the way.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:13]: Now you've had your daughter in your life now for 4 years, and there's high points, there's low points, there's everything in between. What's been the hardest part in being a father to a daughter?

Dan Command [00:07:24]: Man, high points, low points, everything in between. That's and you're talking on a daily basis. That's not even zooming out. It is unbelievably challenging, unbelievably rewarding. All 3 of my kids, as anybody would say, are vastly different, but my boys are just so simple. My oldest son, Maddox, has, pretty strong ADHD, but we treat it like a superpower. He is a an unbelievable athlete. He can do 17 things at once, and he has a motor that just doesn't stop.

Dan Command [00:07:50]: And then my 7 year old son, Jax, is does not have ADHD. He's mister Chill. He takes everything in. He processes it. He just, like, if he speaks, it's something that's gonna be profound, And is they're just amazing. We can rationalize with them. We can talk them through things, and they're really amazing to each other. And then my 4 year old, Violet, best timing of all time.

Dan Command [00:08:11]: We actually had a doctor's appointment yesterday because we do believe that she has ADHD. And with that, the biggest challenges would be that she has a motor that does not stop. And I hear a lot of parents talk about that. Her extremeness on her intensity with every aspect of her life is off the charts. When she is the cutest, she's the cutest thing on the planet. When she is the most challenging, it is an unbelievable tsunami of attitude and sass and stubbornness. And that's been kind of the biggest challenge is how vastly different she is from raising my boys, but then also trying to not control, but rein in the attitude, the sass, the spunk, the stubbornness because I don't want her to lose that. You know? I want her to be a strong female.

Dan Command [00:08:58]: I want any boy in the future that wants to take advantage of her to feel the wrath of of her stubbornness, but I also need to make it day in and day out my wife's mental health. And so the the biggest challenge has been how do you foster a strong young lady, but also make it to the finish line?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:15]: And you have to take it day by day because it definitely is going to as she gets older, you're gonna have to pivot. You're gonna have to adjust, and she will continue to adjust herself. And you may not know exactly where you stand sometimes. So you just have to always know that that's going to be the case. And as long as you've set her up to be able to be, as you've kind of said, strong and independent, and you've given her the tools along the way, things will work out in the end.

Dan Command [00:09:43]: Absolutely.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:44]: Now, one of the things that I mentioned at the very beginning is that you are an influencer. You you made a transition. You had been an educator for a number of years and then started to share some of the things that you had learned about treating your own beard and helping others. And you made this pivot and this change in your life and your family's life to go full in on your Dan c bearded persona to help others in that journey that they're on. So you're a busy guy and you have to balance all of that. So how do you balance work and raising your kids?

Dan Command [00:10:20]: Oh, great question again. My daughter Violet's actually home today. She went to school, wasn't feeling well, So I was able to go get her which is one of the advantages of of kind of being my own boss. And so the balance is every single day trying to figure out. So for example, I had some work on the computer that I had to do, and then I had some work on my phone that I could do. And so I kind of tried to balance this morning by bouncing back and forth. She was on the couch just watching one of her shows that's on on the other side of my studio. And so I would do some work on the computer, and then I would tell her, like, hey.

Dan Command [00:10:51]: Just give me a few minutes over here. And then when I know I got to a point where I could work on my phone, I would just go sit by her. And even just that proximity makes a huge difference for her just having her dad close to her. And so I also try to, with all of my kids, include them in on what we do for a business, what we do for a career. It's not something that's this, like, big secret. I actually try to go, like, above and beyond because it's not exactly your your typical job or your typical career. And so it was always a fear of me when I was switching from education to doing this that my kids wouldn't get it. Where when I was teaching, they can we live across the street from my former building.

Dan Command [00:11:30]: Like, from our front porch, you can see my old school. And so they used to be able to rationalize dad's going to work. And it was a really kind of worry for me to not have them understand what work was because all kids watch and consume YouTube, at least in in some fashion or format. I didn't want them to just be like, oh, that's what my dad does. I wanted them to really understand it, and so we talk about all these things. And my daughter had a funny kinda line today. She said when I was getting her from school, she said, is mom home? And I said, yeah. She's actually working.

Dan Command [00:11:58]: She's making a lot of shirts. And we have our own merch shop. And right now, we have a campaign called GrowVember, and we sell a certain shirt. And every every single penny made from the shirts are donated to the Genesee County Humane Society, which is really important to us and where we get all our pets. And so I explained that to Violet and I said, this is where what mom is doing right now. And she said, oh, so people buy shirts with dancy bearded on it. And it was just so cute for her to be able to kinda speak that language and understand it. And she gets a big part of what we do is we travel the country and we have meetups whether I'm at, like, an expo.

Dan Command [00:12:32]: And so we'll go to a place that has 30, 40, a 100 people that are there from the beard community that want to meet and hang out. And so she has had, probably in 4 years, one of the most diverse upbringings of seeing just every type of person you could ever imagine. And meeting people with different skin colors, different beard shapes, different ages, different accents all around the country and kind of just getting that exposure that no matter what people look like, no matter where they're from, there's amazing people all over. And it's been kind of interesting because she is 4. She was firmly a COVID baby. She was born in January 2020. And so that work and home life balance was already from the beginning was as an educator, I was home teaching remotely, essentially her whole life. And so we've had kind of a unique first four years of her life, and I'm actually interested to look back on this in, let's say, 10, 20 years, not just Violet, but all kids of that age and with the parents and the different kind of life just to see if there's any differences and changes because Violet, as a 4 year old, can speak YouTube language and business language and beard language like many adults wouldn't even understand.

Dan Command [00:13:43]: It's pretty amazing.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:43]: So also talk to me a little bit about that transition for yourself of being the teacher that people know to being an influencer that everyone thinks they know, but that now your personality, your persona is larger than you, and your family comes along for the ride. So how have you managed all of that and helped your kids to manage that?

Dan Command [00:14:09]: I love thinking about that. So I do beard care for a living. I help people trim their beards and style it and how to use products and feel confident in their beard. But what I actually do is I bring together people in a positive community. And a big part of what I do is complete transparency. YouTube is my main hub for education, but I also do a couple livestreams a week on Wednesday nights, 9 PM EST. Me and my wife are together. And so we talk all sorts of things.

Dan Command [00:14:38]: We get an advice shelf. People can send in questions, get advice on their beer, their relationship, teaching, anything. And so we go over that. And I say that because on my Instagram side of things, I pretty much document most of our life just because I I love my family. I love being transparent. And that's part of not necessarily my brand, but who I am and and why people resonate with it so much. They see that it's a family man. They see that I value my children, that I really am in love with my wife and respect at a high level.

Dan Command [00:15:08]: And so to my kids, it's all just kind of intertwined as one thing. They don't really see a separation of, like, dad or dancy bearded or work, and it's just kind of all morphed into this one type of lifestyle that really is unique and kinda hard to explain. I'm I'm kind of working at all times, but also family at all times. And we found just a really good balance with that. And even early on, me and my wife would have a lot of hard conversations where especially in the in the first couple of years, and she would say things like, hey. Today, maybe I don't know if if you know us, but maybe you're on your phone a little bit much. And then I would have to take a step back and realize that, Or other times, I would have to kinda give her a heads up. Like, hey, babe.

Dan Command [00:15:48]: It's November. This is our busy season. I just wanna let you know. This might be a time where I gotta kinda turn things up a little bit. And so it was just really trying to keep that in mind because I do have an obsessive personality. And if I have a checklist of items I need done, I kind of get really, really, like, focused on those. But then realizing this unique world of my career and my family, I gotta find that balance. And then also be sure to respect my kids at all times.

Dan Command [00:16:15]: And as they're getting older too, making sure I'm checking with them on, hey. Are you comfortable with this stuff? Are you guys okay with that? And and so far, it's been pretty seamless, to be honest. Everything's just kinda fallen into place.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:27]: Now I know that in your past life as a teacher, you were also a coach, and you did a lot to be able to help kids to foster their passion without going so far or to go as far as they wanted to go. And I know that in that opportunity to to be in that type of role, you learned some things about what it really took to be able to do that. Can you tell me a little bit more about that and what you learned as a coach, but also how that's transitioning and trans continuing on as you as a father as well?

Dan Command [00:17:03]: Oh, absolutely. So my kids are all 3 into soccer. I never played soccer a day in my life before my kids started playing. I was a basketball player, but then really excelled in swimming and water polo and went pretty far with that and coached at a high level. And with doing that as a coach and as an athlete, I saw a lot of parents that, I don't wanna say forced because I don't think that's the right word, but kind of led their kids into the sports that they were excelling at and passionate about because I'm assuming they enjoyed it. They thought their kids would enjoy it and they had the skills for it. So they kinda led them that way, especially in something like the swimming world. If you're a swimmer, you're usually a swimmer.

Dan Command [00:17:41]: There's not like you don't see, like, oftentimes you have football, basketball players, and baseball players kinda playing sports. Swimmers are kinda just swimmers. And so I didn't ever wanna put that pressure on my kids and and force them into something or live vicariously through them. And so we just put them in everything, and we let them kinda discover. And for some reason, soccer resonated with all of them. And other than family vacations and the daily lessons, bonding over sports with my kids has been probably the most paramount aspect of our relationships, whether it's me coaching them now in soccer or cheering for them in soccer or just making it a family culture. And as a coach and as an athlete, I saw a lot of kids burn out. I saw a lot of pressure from their parents that wasn't fueled by passion for them to kids.

Dan Command [00:18:29]: And so we, in our house, we have high expectations, but we also are very aware of that burnout. And we wanna walk this balance of giving our kids enough opportunities to take it as far as they would like to go, like you said, or as as as short as they would like to go. It's entirely up to them. But our biggest emphasis is fostering their passion. So with soccer, we go to pro soccer games. We allow them to get soccer cards. We watch soccer clips at home. We have a soccer net at home.

Dan Command [00:18:59]: When my daughter just the other day asked to play soccer, even though I was tired, even though I had some work to do, it took a couple seconds to check myself and kinda remind myself that I would regret this if I said no. I said yes. And we went out into the yard and did that because I've been there before where I was so exhausted, so just burnt out from the day. And my daughter says, hey. Do you wanna play soccer? I'm like, not now. Like, it's just not a good moment. And then I go get her to bed, cutest thing in the world, give her a hug, give her a kiss. I lay down.

Dan Command [00:19:26]: Now I feel like garbage. I told my daughter no. How could I do that? And so this has taught me lessons on how to help them. This has brought us closer together, and they know their parents have their back a 100%. They know that when we're at the game and they mess up, we had to talk about this yesterday, they don't look over to us and and have fear about what the reaction's gonna be. My son went to take a shot the other day and completely whiffed and fell on the ground. He looked at us and started cracking up. Like, he has that comfort with us and then the ability to build the passion through all those other avenues outside of just playing the sport has brought us closer and closer and closer together, and it's really great for the kids too.

Dan Command [00:20:05]: My sons take a lot of pride in kind of being the, like, helpful brothers with Violet and teaching her soccer and, you know, bringing it down to her level and just having a lot of fun with it. So it it's been absolutely paramount in our, like, bonding and growth together as, like, parents and kids.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:21]: I love that. I mean, it's so important to be able to find those ways to be go be able to make those connections with your kids, whether it's through sports, whether it's through whatever it is. You know, it's so important to be able to just get on to their level no matter how what their age and be actively involved from day 1, and you're doing just that. So I commend you on that and and the work that you're doing to be able to help your kids to be able to make those connections in that way. Now, we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our fatherhood 5, where I ask you 5 more questions.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:52]: to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready? Absolutely. In one word, what is fatherhood? Oh, man. Fulfilling. Now when was a time that you felt like you finally succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

Dan Command [00:21:06]: Quite literally today, when my daughter was sick from school, she didn't wanna go home. I went to go get her from the classroom and she was not having it. I told her I would step outside. I'd be there when she's ready. And then when she came out, I got down to her level. For all the fathers out there, I think that's unbelievably important. I'm a tall man and my daughter is very small. And so I get down on her level, speak to her, and I was able to get ration through to her without any kind of raising my voice, without any kind of threats of taking a tablet or treats or anything like that.

Dan Command [00:21:38]: And she reasoned with it, and it was explaining that she didn't wanna get her friends sick. It wasn't about her. It wasn't about the class. And she walked out, went to hold my hand. We got back, and she's definitely she loves her mom and dad, kinda equally mommy's girl, daddy's girl. And she was like, will you stay with me on the couch? And it was like, really cool kinda breakthrough moment today.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:57]: Now if I was to talk to your kids, how would they describe you as a dad?

Dan Command [00:22:01]: Fun and loving.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:02]: Let's think 10 years down the road, 15 years down the road. What do you want your kids to say?

Dan Command [00:22:07]: I would like for my kids to say they knew that their dad prioritized them in all situations. He created every opportunity that they could ever want to fulfill their passions, and he just unapologetically loved them unconditionally. Who inspires you to be a better dad? Absolutely my wife. She is someone who battles with more, mental struggles than I do, more physical struggles than I do, and it is constantly on her mind. She is way too hard on herself and is an unbelievable parent, and it absolutely makes me go harder every day to try and support her in that motherhood journey, but also be the best dad that I can be.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:51]: Now you've given a lot of piece of advice today, things that you've learned along the way. As you think about other dads, what's one piece of advice you'd wanna give to every dad?

Dan Command [00:23:01]: I'm a quote guy. And when you become a father, especially a father of a daughter, you get all sorts of quotes, all sorts of things thrown at you. But the one that really resonates me on the hardest days is that days are long and the years are short. And as I reflect, especially as my sons get older and you do realize when everybody told you to enjoy the chaos because it you will miss it, you start to really realize how quickly it goes and how these long days do become short once you start looking in the rear view mirror. And so I always tell myself that in the challenging moments, the days are long, but the years are short.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:39]: Now if people wanna find out more about you and what you're doing and they wanna keep in touch in some way, what's the best way for them to do that?

Dan Command [00:23:47]: Instagram, Dan c bearded, or YouTube, Dan c Bearded.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:51]: Well, Dan, I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for sharing your own journey today, for being a great example of what fathers should be, to be engaged to be engaged with your kids and to be able to have that relationship that you want with your kids. And I truly appreciate you sharing that and being here today, and I wish you all the best.

Dan Command [00:24:09]: Thank you so much for having me, and shout out to all the dads out there. It's not easy, but it is genuinely always worth it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:24:15]: If you've enjoyed today's episode of the dads with daughters podcast, we invite you to check out the fatherhood insider. The fatherhood insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be. We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along, and the fatherhood insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood. Through our extensive course library, interactive forum, step by step roadmaps, and more, you will engage and learn with experts, but more importantly, dads like you. So check it out at fatheringtogether.org. If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the dads with daughters Facebook community, there's a link in the notes today. Dads with daughters is a program of fathering together. We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week, all geared to helping you raise strong and powered daughters and be the best dad that you can be.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:14]: We're all in the same boat, And it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, We buy them presents and bring your a game. Because those kids are growing fast. The time goes by just like a dynamite blast calling astronauts and firemen, carpenters, and musclemen. Get out and be the world to them. Them. Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

Fatherhood is a journey, and like any adventure, it comes with its own set of challenges and joys. This week on the Dad & Daughter Connection podcast we talk with father of two Patrick Rowe to explore the nuances of raising daughters, overcoming fears, and the importance of building a supportive community. Here are some key takeaways from their insightful conversation.

Embracing the Journey

Patrick Rowe and his wife were overjoyed but also slightly apprehensive when they learned they were expecting daughters. Like many dads, Patrick initially felt more equipped to raise a son simply because he could relate more to the experience of being a boy. However, he quickly shifted his perspective, realizing that the essence of fatherhood lies in being present, adaptable, and committed.

Patrick shared, "Being a father is not always easy. It takes time, effort, and patience. My biggest fear was how strong the foundation I've created with them is. I want them to always know my love is unconditional."

Overcoming Challenges

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and one of Patrick’s biggest challenges has been setting expectations for experiences he has never gone through himself. He emphasized the importance of patience and self-awareness, understanding that repetition and calm reasoning are essential when dealing with young children.

Patrick revealed that he’s learned to slow down and ask himself critical questions about his actions and reactions. For instance, why get upset about having to ask multiple times for his daughters to put on their shoes? This shift in mindset has helped him foster a more loving rather than demanding approach.

Building Unique Relationships

Each child is unique, and understanding their individual needs is crucial for building a strong bond. Patrick explained how his daughters have different temperaments, with his eldest being a people-pleaser and his youngest a more emotionally intelligent, independent spirit.

"With my eldest, we have this special thing where we say, 'You fill my bucket,' meaning she brings me joy. This small phrase has built an incredible connection between us. With my youngest, it's about being present while she does her activities. We connect quietly, often while she’s drawing or reading," Patrick shared.

The Importance of Community

One of the standout points of the discussion was the value of building a community of other fathers. Patrick emphasized, "Community is probably the most impactful resource I have on being a father." He detailed traditions like "pancake Saturday" and "daturday," where dads meet with their kids to bond and share experiences.

These gatherings go beyond superficial interactions, offering a space for vulnerability and real support. Patrick highlighted the need to show our kids that dads can also be engaged, supportive friends for each other. This not only enriches the fathers' lives but also instills in the children the value of a supportive community.

Taking the First Step

For dads looking to build their own communities, Patrick recommends starting small and being open. "Invite people over with no expectations other than spending time together. Ask the deeper questions. It might feel awkward at first, but the benefits of having such a network are invaluable," he advised.

In summary, fatherhood is a continuous journey of learning, adapting, and loving. Patrick Rowe's experiences highlight the importance of being present, building unique relationships with each child, and fostering a supportive community of fellow fathers. Through these efforts, dads can navigate the challenges and joys of raising daughters, guiding them to become strong, empowered women.

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TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:16]: Welcome back to The Dad & Daughter Connection podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters' lives, raising them to be strong, independent women. Really excited to have you back again this week. Every week, I love being able to sit down with you and talk with you about this journey that you're on in being a father to a daughter. It's an important journey that all of us are on, and it is a journey because you're going to be having to be flexible. You're gonna have to be you're gonna have to adjust along the way. There's gonna be so many things you're gonna learn along the way that are going to help you to be not only a better father, but also a better man. And along the way, you're gonna stumble, you might fall, you might make some big mistakes, and you're gonna have some fun as well. And what's important though is that you're willing to go on the journey and you're willing to learn.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:16]: And that's why this podcast is here because every week, I want to be able to help you in some way to be able to learn, to grow, and help you to be able to see that you're not alone. That's why every week I bring different guests to the show to allow for you to learn from other fathers, from other people that have different resources and have different experiences from your from yourself to help you along this journey. This week, we got another great guest with us today. Patrick Rowe is with us today, and Patrick is a father of 2. He's got a 4 and a 6 year old, and we are gonna be talking about his own journey in being a father. And I'm really excited to be able to have him share that with us. Patrick, thanks so much for being here today.

Patrick Rowe [00:02:00]: Thanks, Chris. Really looking forward to this. I think what you all are doing is super important in this time, and I love an opportunity to share what I've seen from my perspective.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:08]: I love that. And as I said, fatherhood is definitely a journey. And one of the things that I love doing and starting our conversations is really to turn the clock back in time. I said that you have a 4 and a 6 year old daughter. Let's go back. Maybe it's 7 years, 6 and a half years. Back to that first moment that you found out that you were gonna be a father to a daughter, what was going through your head?

Patrick Rowe [00:02:28]: Yeah. Well, my wife and I were really blessed with this opportunity to have some things fall in place in terms of our home and and resources that we had. And we knew that having a family was something you were really excited about and ultimately you know there isn't that much of a window of time between the time that you find out you're going to be a father and then the time you have an opportunity to find out what the the gender of your child is going to be and I remember that moment very clearly. There was no part of me that wanted to have a son or a daughter. It was very truthfully an open excitement and joy. And that moment that I heard that it was a girl was equal excitement and concern. And the only reason I felt concern really was for some reason I had in my head that if it were a boy at least I would understand it a little bit better. I felt slightly more equipped as a boy dad.

Patrick Rowe [00:03:17]: Maybe 51 to 49% more equipped. But in that moment, I was so excited and so elated. And to be able to share that kind of special surprise moment with my wife was really great. And we just floated our way out of the hospital after that moment.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:33]:

Now I hear from a lot of dads that I've talked to over the years that in raising a daughter, there's some fear that goes along with that. What would you say was your biggest fear in raising daughters?

Patrick Rowe [00:03:43]: My biggest fear in raising daughters, and this could likely be the same if if I had sons, but it's, of course, all those things I can't control. And so I guess my biggest fear is how strong is that foundation that I've created with them? Recognizing that I will go through challenges and they will go through challenges and together we will too. What tools am I giving them to help them know what my relationship with them is like and what their relationship with me is like to give them that clarity of my role, my position as their dad, a listener, consultant, someone who loves him unconditionally. And so I just try to think about the aspects of that that I can control and really that's how I show up for them in every moment, Whether that's in the morning when they're groggy or at night when they're scared or sometime in the middle when they're excited about something. Just being overly present with them, right? And making sure that those distractions are taken away so that they recognize that they are just wonderful and so special in my eyes.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:41]: And being a father is not always easy. It takes time. It takes effort, and there's definitely challenges along the way. What's been the hardest part for you in being a father to a daughter?

Patrick Rowe [00:04:51]: The hardest part has been, you know, just how do you set expectations for things that you've never done before? How do you set an expectation for what school experience you're going to have together? What's that support going to look like from that perspective? How do you set expectations on how they should care and respect each other? And so it's challenging for me. I'd like to have a rule book in front of me or or some kind of structure in front of me that says if you say these things and you support these things and you encourage these things, then this would be the result. And not being able to have that rubric is challenging and that that's really difficult. It's required more patience. I always thought I was a very patient individual. I have learned that I'm not necessarily as patient as I imagined I was. And so just recognizing that and one of the biggest ways that I've been able to recognize this is honestly just by slowing down, asking myself questions internally. Like, why am I asking my kids to put their shoes on? Why am I getting so upset if I have to ask them 3 or 4 times? Well, you know, what's the point? Are we going to be late to the pool? Why is there a reason to get upset? Yes.

Patrick Rowe [00:05:56]: It is frustrating repeating oneself over and over again, but ultimately, they will learn it and they will get there. And just knowing that that's the end goal, that's the end result, and being able to present myself in a loving way rather than a demanding way is not always easy.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:12]: And you have 2 daughters. And anyone that knows that when you have more than one child, there's a whole new dynamic. And with that, many times, your children's personalities tend to be not completely alike. They tend to be very different from one another and what they need, and you have to build those unique relationships with each child to be able to connect. So talk to me about that connection and not only what that you love to do with each of your daughters to keep that connection, but what have you had to do to be able to develop those unique relationships with each of your daughters?

Patrick Rowe [00:06:46]: Yeah. That is so true. Our oldest is very much like me and she is a people pleaser. And so there's a lot of fun and excitement that comes in that. Right? She's always so enthusiastic to share what she's learning and doing. And she always wants to know what I'm interested in or what my wife is interested in so that she can continue to do those. That's fun and that's really exciting and we get to share a lot of similar interests and opportunities whether it's playing games or kind of the stories we're talking about or the subjects that we focus our time on or things like that. But it's also really challenging as well.

Patrick Rowe [00:07:20]: Right? I wanna make sure that she understands where my love is coming from and that it's not coming from a place of expectation. It is coming from a place of true love from the absolute from an absolute source. And so we have little ways that I remind her of that often. We have this little phrase that we came up with called you fill my bucket, and you fill my bucket just means what you are. You are bringing me joy, and you are filling my bucket for me. And so there will be times when she's doing something and I can say to her, I just want you to know that you fill my bucket. And there are times when she'll come up to me and say something similar and I have a little hand motion that we do now so that I can share that experience with her. We can connect even if we're not allowed, able to talk to each other.

Patrick Rowe [00:08:00]: So if we're across a room or if she's on a stage or something, we have that chance. My youngest daughter is an absolute firecracker and she is by far the most emotionally intelligent member of our family. She is the sweetest and the kindest, and I also have no idea what she wants or needs most of the time. And so with her, it's a whole different experience. What I've learned is that just sitting with her is the way to connect with her. We don't need to be playing a game. We don't need to be watching something. Oftentimes, when I get the most out of the time with her, it's because we are quietly looking at a book or she has a stack of crayons in her hand, in a piece of paper, and I'm not doing anything.

Patrick Rowe [00:08:43]: I'm just there. And while she is doing that activity, she's usually talking to me about something that she needs, right? A fear or a pain or a joy from her day. So making sure we create that opportunity for time with her too has been really great. And then with the 2 of them, I love doing events with both of them at the same time, but also I'm very conscious of pulling one individual away for, you know, a special trip to run an errand and then also maybe we get some ice cream or, you know, it's I think it's fairly common these days for dads to take their daughters on, like, a date night thing. And and I try to do that at least once a year, usually twice a year where it's just me and one of them and we go to the restaurant of their choice. It's It's the beginning of the school year. I like to talk about all the wonderful things we did during the summer together and and ask them questions. What are your expectations for this coming school year? What are some ways that you want to improve or learn? And then at the end of the school year, we do the same thing and we retrace our steps.

Patrick Rowe [00:09:38]: Hey, last year, you said this is a thing that you wanted to do. And guess what? You did that. And how does that make you feel? And just being really inquisitive with both of them has been really eye opening.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:47]: Now I know in conversations that you and I have had community for you and building a community for yourself of other fathers has really allowed for you to be a better dad. Talk to me about the importance of community and how that has made you a better father.

Patrick Rowe [00:10:07]: Yeah. You're right. Community, I think, is probably the most impactful resource I have on being a father. And don't get me wrong. My father was wonderful and and still is. And he's been a great resource as well, but I've found that sharing my life with other guys who are in the same season while we are in that season together is just such an enriching resource. I'm learning about how they're showing up as fathers, how they're showing up as husbands, how they're showing up as employees, as siblings, as sons, all of these different perspectives. And we are honing each other into being better dads.

Patrick Rowe [00:10:42]: And sometimes that's because it's just the dads getting together and we're talking, Hey, what are the things that you're doing with your kids right now? How are you keeping them engaged in the summertime? What does it look like for you in this season of your life to balance work and time with your individual child or time with your children or time with your family? How are you doing that right now? Or honestly, a lot of times it's just a group that I can be vulnerable with and show up and say, I'm struggling in this part. Can you give me some advice or can you help support me or encourage me or point me in a different direction for that? And it manifests in a few ways, right? So it can be as simple as meeting up, every couple weeks around somebody's backyard fire pit. We have a pretty standard regular tradition that we call daturday, which is usually sometime around Saturday morning at 9 or 10 o'clock. A group text goes out with some plans for what we're doing that day. And it started as an opportunity to give our wives a little bit of a break, but what we quickly found out was this was a special time for us and our kids. And I think it's really important not only for men to make time with their kids, but also to show your kids what it looks like to have dads who are engaged beyond just their own dad, to know what it looks like or a community of dads to be great dads together. And sometimes that also looks like us failing together. Daturday isn't always pretty.

Patrick Rowe [00:12:08]: It's not always let's go to this donut shop and then end up at the park and everyone's happy and smiling, especially when they're younger or for any various reason. That trip to the park becomes a total failure. It's an emotional scream fest. It's some kind of injury. It's, oh, I think she's going through something at this point. And just having guys there who can help and encourage you in that, but also just knowing that other people are going through it too. And just to be able to be together in those situations and share that excitement, but also commiserate and support has been invaluable.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:12:39]: So talk to me about how you built that community for yourself because men are not always the best at building a community once we're an adult. And I think when we're growing up, you have your friends and you are able to build those friendships. You go into college maybe or you're young and you meet other people and you make friendships there. But then from what I have seen, a lot of fathers hyper focus on their family and you have these casual relationships where you're kind of like, hey, what's up? Oh, good. Yeah. Things are good. But going deeper than that is not always something that a lot of dads want to do or that they're innately pushed to do. So talk to me about that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:28]: How did you develop that group for yourself? And how would you recommend for other dads to be able to start that process?

Patrick Rowe [00:13:35]: Yeah. You're spot on. It is one of the major challenges, I think, socially in our country right now is that men have a hard time making friends, which sounds a little weird to say out loud, but it's absolutely the case. I'll wind it back a little bit and give you what I think the reason was. I came from a family of people who really valued hospitality. So our home was always open, and my parents were feeding people all the time. And so when my wife and I got married, one of the first things that we were discussing was how do we be a hospitable couple as a family? How are we welcoming people into our lives? And along the same time, I'm big on traditions by the way, and I think traditions can be huge. They can be, flagship Christmas time things or family, whatever it might be, but most of the traditions that I keep are much smaller.

Patrick Rowe [00:14:25]: And one of the ones that we did early on was pancake Saturday. And on Saturday morning, actually, we call it Paul Simon's pancake Saturday because every Saturday morning, I put on Paul Simon albums, and I make pancakes. And I've been doing this since my wife and I got married. So when we had our kids, we started doing the same thing. And we were in the season, right, of being I was in the season of being a new dad and we had friends and acquaintances who were also starting the same season almost right around the same time. And this community of dads started with pancakes. It started very casually as, hey, our house is crazy on a Saturday morning because we've got this baby and like her sleep times are weird and I'm gonna be making pancakes. If you guys happen to be up, just swing on by.

Patrick Rowe [00:15:09]: And that's how it started. And one couple came with their baby and we just got an opportunity to share more and become closer and closer. So to answer your question, how do you facilitate this? You have to be open or you have to create on your own opportunities just to spend time with other guys. It's not any more than that, but you also have to go into it with no expectation. If you go into, oh, I'm gonna start inviting these neighborhood dads over to my fire pit every Wednesday night for a beer and just chatting because I wanna make more friends, you're gonna run into some roadblocks there. But I think if you say, for the sake of opening up my home, I'm gonna invite people over. And being open and willing to whatever comes out of that, you will find that 1 or 2 or in my case blessed with many guys where we were all in that same space of being willing to get to a point where you can share that one little thing. Usually it's one opportunity where you think I'm comfortable enough now where I'm going to say this one thing.

Patrick Rowe [00:16:05]: And if the other person with you picks up on that, then there's an opportunity to run with it. So I guess my recommendation would be be proactive in creating opportunity. Don't be afraid when the feeling comes to share maybe one little thing. But then also, when you're in that opportunity, don't be afraid to respond when someone else, another dad, shares that thing just to be be a willing and open ear.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:26]: I love the concept because I think that, like I said, so many dads are not able to do that. You might have a father right next to you in the house living next door, and you talk to them, you know, when they're outside or you might break bread or have a beer or something every once in a while. But a lot of times, it's very surface level. So talk to me about your community and that you've been able to develop. And how do you get below the surface into the issues that you're dealing with as a dad and not just stay on the surface?

Patrick Rowe [00:16:57]: I think we all have those topics that we are maybe a little bit nervous to talk about and find yourself an opportunity or one other dad that you can talk with where you are not afraid to ask a question from one of those topics. So maybe saying to a friend, my daughter is struggling with x serious issue or whatever that serious issue might be. Have you all seen that? Have you experienced this? Or saying, my child is falling behind in school, and we have a counselor for them for that situation. Or my wife and I are having a hard time together understanding what we can do for our daughter in this space. And then asking for advice. So think about what those they're not really taboo topics, but those topics where we're all living in them. It's being willing to open up about them. But I would challenge, instead of saying, okay, I'm open for someone to ask me a question about it, I would challenge a dad who's looking for that to ask that question of someone else.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:51]: Now you said that this started with finding other fathers that were going through similar experiences to what you were going through at a similar point in time. As your kids are getting older, how are you welcoming other dads into that community versus staying with that core group and not allowing others to experience what you've been able to experience thus far?

b You know, I think those opportunities exist a lot more often if you're willing to recognize that it's an opportunity. So my oldest daughter started kindergarten this past year and that meant a new school with new friends and each one of those friends has a dad and we are engaged as a family, right? So we are members of our PTA and our school is in our neighborhood and so we are there often. We walk to and from school, and I get introduced to somebody's dad 2 times a day during the school year. Right? Maybe on average throughout the season. And those could be a surface level if I wanted them to be. It's like, oh, hey. Hi. I'm Patrick.

Patrick Rowe [00:18:51]: Yeah. Oh, cool. You're so and so's dad. That's nice. Great. Have an awesome weekend. Or you could spend a moment with that person. And oftentimes, if you ask a couple of questions, again, maybe even opening yourself up to be a little bit more vulnerable, when you're with a person directly, one to 1, they value that time differently than if you were just in passing.

Patrick Rowe [00:19:09]: And I think what you'll find, especially with a lot of dads, is if you go into it with this idea that my interaction with you doesn't have to be a surface level, you might even see it lift off of them in that moment too, right? Because we've we've had so many of those where somebody's somebody's kid's dad comes up to us and says hey I'm so and so and you're like great, that's fine. I'm busy. I'm going to go on and do my own thing. But going back to what I was saying a little bit earlier, pausing, slowing down. Why am I trying to rush away from this opportunity to be introduced to someone else? So being engaged in the events that our kids are are doing, right? We're getting involved in a girls and dads group this coming fall that I'm really excited about of the group. I think there are 5 or 6 girls. One of those dads is involved in kind of my current community, but the others are not. And my daughter is thrilled to be a part of this group.

Patrick Rowe [00:20:00]: I am probably equally thrilled to add in an opportunity to add these men into my kind of brain trust. And we will have a lot of opportunities to share beyond that surface level if we're willing to. And I think that kinda goes back to that key point too.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:20:09]: You know, as you think about the future and the experiences that your kids are having in growing up and growing up around these other families, what do you hope that your kids will take out of this experience? And what do you hope that it will do for them as they get older?

Patrick Rowe [00:20:26]: Yeah. Well, I told you we listened to a lot of Paul Simon, so I'm gonna quote Simon and Garfunkel. I want them to understand that they are not Iraq. They are not an island. And that it is okay and very natural to rely on other people. So if there is one thing that my daughters take away from what they may be seeing in the emphasis that I put on community, it's that they have more than just their mom and dad as an outlet to go to. I read something years ago about why children need to have what I think they called 3 families. 1 was your immediate family.

Patrick Rowe [00:20:57]: So that was your parental units. Your second family, which was usually members of extended family or maybe that like really, really, really close friend of a parent who you could go to with very serious questions and conversations that you didn't, for whatever reason, feel comfortable sharing directly with your parents. And then the 3rd family is coaches and teachers and and those individuals that you respect and that you care for in a different way, but you might not be at a point where you're taking those like personal experiences too. So in this opportunity, I'm hoping that my girls see that they have a broad community of that kind of second family level, individuals that they can go to if they're if I'm not available or for whatever reason, it makes more sense for them to to share, talk with someone else. Well,

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:43]: I truly appreciate you sharing all of this, and we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our fatherhood 5, where I ask you 5 more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Patrick Rowe [00:21:53]: I'm ready.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:53]: In one word, what is fatherhood?

Patrick Rowe [00:21:55]: Giving.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:56]: When was the time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter?

Patrick Rowe [00:22:00]: One time, my daughter asked me what respect meant and she was young and I didn't have an answer in front of me at the moment. And so I came up with something off the cuff and I said, respect is how we care for other people with our thoughts, words, and actions. And more recently this was years ago. And more recently, I was in one room, and I heard my oldest daughter tell my youngest daughter, respect is how we care for people with our thoughts, words, and actions.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:26]: They do listen.

Patrick Rowe [00:22:27]: It was wild.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:27]: Many times you think they're not, but it comes back and you hear it from others in your community, and then you're like, oh, that actually did sit. Well, okay. Good. Now if I were to talk to your kids, how would they describe you as a dad? They're

Patrick Rowe [00:22:43]: very young still, so you're probably going to get some funny things. He is silly. My youngest will absolutely say that I'm stinky. I have no doubt about that. I think if you got them to pause for a moment, they would tell you, hopefully, that I'm caring and that I like to present myself as whatever the representation of love can be. And that shows up in different ways. And so you might get some different words from them in that, but hopefully all pointing towards that direction.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:07]: And let's go 10 to 15 years down the road. What do you want them to say then?

Patrick Rowe [00:23:11]: He was there. I want my kids to see me as reliable.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:15]: Now who inspires you to be a better dad?

Patrick Rowe [00:23:17]: Oh, of course, that community. But I come from a pretty large family. And so I have an opportunity to see fatherhood from the perspective of a son. I have an opportunity to see fatherhood from the perspective of a nephew and a grandson up until just recently. And so those men all had a or have a strong emphasis on family and what it means to be a network of people who love each other. And when I think about what makes great dads, I think about I think about those men who were and still do love each other, but but but also come together really well and show up often for their immediate kids and also for kind of their extended family kids too.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:58]: Now you've given a lot of piece of advice today, a lot of things that you are doing yourself that are helping you to be a dad, and they and I really appreciate all the things that you shared. As you think about all dads that are out there, what's one piece of advice you'd wanna give to every dad?

Patrick Rowe [00:24:14]: Slow down and take a different perspective. Right? So, again, in the moments, we're always in the moment. And I think it is incredibly, incredibly important to be present with your children as much as you can and to make significant strides and, you know, significant changes to focus that you will never, ever wish that you had spent less time with them. And so, so that's key. But in addition to those things, it's pausing to ask yourself why. Creating that time is important. Putting your phone down to be with them while they're playing is important. All those things are great.

Patrick Rowe [00:24:50]: But why? Ask yourself why and ask yourself the, you know, that kind of perspective question. What is it that I'm what is it that's so important about me being with them? And if you can take yourself out of that equation, right, the, well, this is what I want out of it, I think you're gonna get much more out of it, and and obviously the the

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:07]: girls will as well. Well, Patrick, I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for sharing your journey today and your community with us, and I truly wish you all the best. Thank you, Chris.

Patrick Rowe [00:25:17]: This was really wonderful. I appreciate it.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:18]: We're all in the same boat, And it's full of tiny screaming passengers. We spend the time. We give the lessons. We make the meals. The best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.