For most of us we know commitment is a major undertaking, but when it comes to the commitment many of us make to ourselves, we do not realize we commit to feeling bad.

It isn't the only issue we carry, but if you look at your choices—how many do not feel good? We tend to overlook the personal pain we put ourselves through to make others happy, while hoping they may see us as we want them to. I used to do it—it was my pattern to commit to the same things over and over. I thought that was just the way I was, but then I realized my commitment to feeling bad was a choice, so something had to change. Once we clue into this being part of our belief system, we can change it, but it takes time. There is no quick fix.

Even in seeking out some form of help, we do not realize our bigger commitment to feeling bad. Change is far scarier. Most people don't commit to relationships or jobs out of love, they commit out of fear. They commit out of the fear of loss or scarcity. And when we seek out help, we aren’t necessarily ready to change that commitment. It’s a tall mountain to climb when it comes to learning to enjoy because fear gets in the way, and our commitment to it is what starts the drama because it’s what we know. This undermining creates problems, and it keeps us from changing.

In a relationship, it isn't the other person who is to blame. If you don’t feel safe, look at how you don't commit to things which feel good, and look at the things you do commit to (often on autopilot). What’s the difference? They both stem from fear because we often do not commit to things we love and commit to the familiar instead. Fear is very familiar.

I look at my own track record with commitment and what I've been willing to commit to and I'll tell you it was pure crap for a long time. I had no idea how to feel good so my choices reflected the quality of my life. I thought the answer was outside—somehow or some way things would change enough for me to feel okay. It wasn’t until I could trust myself and give myself a sense of safety where I found I could commit easily to joy and what feels good. I let go of commitments that did not serve me.

When will it be time to let go of being committed to misery and fear?