The Darkness Of My Soul

Raven and Marshall are

hosting the show together as Esper is still in Tahiti using Marshall’s

timeshare.

Marshall has gone full

blown goth.

Raven: I really can’t

believe you got your teeth filed into fangs. What kind of dentist would do

that?Marshall: Oh he wasn’t a

dentist. He was like a Puerto Rican pimp or something.

Marshall claims to be a

vampire.

Raven begins questioning

whether Marshall even killed Coach Salinas, or if anything he says is true.

Raven: I need a co-host

who doesn't have wacky delusions every week. You think you're a vampire, Esper

thinks he's a ballerina.

Marshall claims to have

married a pregnant woman's stomach and that he raised his wife from birth.He also performs a

beautiful version of "the Killing Time" by Echo and the Bunnymen.

This is the last episode

Raven hosted before he mysteriously disappeared.Esper has been frantically searching for him, and desperately needs answers as

to his whereabouts.If you have any

information about the whereabouts of Raven Connors, please email:[email protected]

Raven's Haiku:

Singing Grease in hereI don't want to hear it

nowMy eyes cry dry tears

Raven and Marshall Herschell are hosting the show, as Esper has taken off for Tahiti to stay at Marshall’s timeshare.Marshall doesn’t want to discuss sports, he wants to talk about sorrow and pain.Marshall: You gotta understand that the average sports fan is really just a depressed low-life scum bag who needs to fill a void. I am one of those scum bags and tonight I’m ready to dwell in sorrow.  Raven didn’t know how to check if people were tweeting @ the darkness of my soul until this episode, so he has a backlog of tweets to read.Aging punk rocker Liam calls in and cries with Marshall.Liam’s stories involving Richard Branson become more and more similar to Marshall’s stories involving Coach Salinas.Raven talks about his feelings regarding Boberan.Marshall has a bone to pick with Sanctuary Curio Shoppe. He calls them on air and leaves a message.Marshall: For all you people listening, I hope you enjoy your Tim Burton movie tonight and I hope you have the special black liquorice popcorn seasoning, which you can only buy from vampiresunlimited.net - Your only source for gothic popcorn toppings.Raven: You’re going to get us in trouble Marshall, you’re doing unauthorized advertising and insulting other businesses on air.Marshall: and I killed a man.

Raven and Esper… and Marshall Herschell are in the studio for the show.Marshall: Hi I’m Marshall Herschell, you’re listening to the Darkness of My Soul; that controversial sports talk radio show, which is a small island of free speech in a sea of controlled and managed sports news.Insanity.Aging punk rocker Liam calls in.Marshall hijacks reality.Marshall: …by turning my song off and getting mad at the fact that I made a bowel movement in the corner while waving a gun around is in fact hypocritical! Now I wanna hear what you callers think. Now is Raven indeed wrong in making that statement? Caller one you’re on the air.Raven: There’s no one there Marshall, they’re all scared of you.42 minutes and 30 seconds into the show sums everything up.

Both our heroes are in solid form.

Esper: Are you drunk?Raven: no I don’t ever get drunk before the

programEsper: Last week you could barely stand up.

You urinated all over this chair I’m sitting on.

 Raven and Esper reflect on the previous

Christmas that they spent in prison.

Raven gives Esper a very thoughtful

Christmas present.Esper gives Raven the same present he gave

him last year; a broken old mug.Raven is not impressed.

Raven: It’s a mug. A dirty mug and it looks

like you found it in a bunch of slush that says “worlds greatest dad”

Raven thinks he is having a nervous

breakdown.

Marshall Herschell calls into the show for

the first time.He admits to having finally killed Coach

Salinas and announces that he’s coming to Edmonton to stay with Raven and

Esper.

It’s going to be a dark Christmas.

Featuring Marshall Herschell Pain Mail # 22

Esper is back from his trip and Raven is

extremely drunk and extremely upset.

 An incredibly drunk and sad man calls in.

 An amazing episode from beginning to end.

 Featuring Marshall Herschell Pain Mail #21

 Raven’s Haiku(s):

Too much to drink nowEverything looks double nowI see and I see

Drunk Raven on-airWith Esper we like pain toFeed our addiction

Sitting in a chairI wonder why I live lifeMy life is pointless

Raven is alone.

After many years he still hasn’t quite

mastered the art of the haiku.

Raven has no idea where Esper might be.He calls Esper and finds out that he is in

Idaho at a ballet school.

Raven reads some letters from listeners.

 Raven: If you would like to be lightly

mocked on the air for having feelings you can write to the darkness of my soul…

 Aging punk rocker Liam calls in with some

tantalizing tales of Richard Branson.

Featuring Marshall Herschell Pain Mail # 20

Raven’s Haiku(s):

All alone aloneI sit in an empty roomMy life alone My…

Esper never cameI sit and wait why do I?Here I sit broken

Esper is trying to get his ballet bod back

through working out.He spent two weeks in Vegas at “Ballerina

for Dummies”

Raven is looking for a new place to live.

He doesn’t want to live with Stanley and Esper anymore, as Stanley is getting

more and more involved in his sexual antics and is starting his own religion.

Raven is also still on the hunt for

Boberan.

Raven: I talked to the police about it;

they don’t seem too worried.Esper: Why? What did they say?Raven: … well they already have a domestic

abuse charge against her so they said I was better off. Then I cried in the

police station. Mascara running all down onto the police desk.Esper: Did they charge you for that? Did

they like… beat you for that?Raven: No they fined me though – “Getting

Mascara on a police desk” - it’s $50Esper: What’s the charge?Raven: I just told you – “Getting Mascara

on a police desk”Esper: I know… but I just meant… what did

they charge you?Raven: Getting Mascara on a police desk.Esper: Right, but how much will it cost

you?Raven: $50Esper: Ok. That’s what I was wondering.Raven: This is like that “Who’s on first?”

bit we did once.Esper: That wasn’t a bit. It was a

conversation.

In the passed two weeks; goth has gotten

huge! And our heroes are ready to take credit for it.

Aging punk rocker Liam calls in again with

more Richard Branson related problems.

Raven: your stories have a similar

narrative arc as another contributor to this show- I wonder if you know him;

his name is Marshall Herschell. He’s got a nemesis – or at least he had one a

long time ago – actually in the 80’s as well – did you ever know him? Maybe

meet him on tour while you were in Florida or something?Liam: Marshall Herschell… let me think…Raven: because he always writes in and he

talks about his pain from the past and there’s a coach who is always

humiliating him – it’s very similar to your Richard Branson – who is always

humiliating you.Liam: That name sounds familiar and I think

I know why…Raven: Really?Liam: …because I plug my Gibson Les Paul

into a Marshal and give it a strum!MC Jiggy also calls in and talks in rhyme about his pain.

Raven’s Haiku:

Dead horses are deadThe carousel spins aloneMy life My horse My…

Right at the start; Esper cues Leonard Nemo

instead of Leonard Cohen. Raven is not impressed.

Esper: Perhaps it’s safe to say the “Search

for Spock” was nothing for than “Finding Nemo” – I made that up just now.Raven: What is the “Search for Spock”?Esper: It’s a film starring Leonard Nemo

It is hot in the studio and Esper is

wearing nothing… again. He tapes ice packs to his chest, and tapes one to Raven

too.

A caller named Liam calls in for the first

time. He’s an old punk rocker who seems to have problems with English

entrepreneur Richard Branson.

A man named German Beef calls in with a

pain that his two-year old daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him.

German: My baby girl. She’s all grown up.

She doesn’t want anything to do with me.Raven: Ok German. We’re going to have to

let you go.German: She hates me!Esper: I thought you said she was two? She

isn’t really grown up at all.German: She hates me!

Raven and Esper talk more about how they

don’t want to talk about prison. It is revealed that they were in prison from

June 2012 to September 2013

Our heroes reflect on their old hopes and

dreams. Raven wanted to be an artist and Esper; a ballerina.

Esper decides he will get back into ballet.

Esper: I’ve never been in better shape…

well I guess that isn’t true at all.Raven: I don’t know if you’ve ever been in

worse shape.

Featuring Marshall Herschell Pain Mail # 19He has kicked heroin and moved to Tahiti

Raven’s Haiku:

So many peopleAll crying tears of pain PainMy eyes stream with woe

Memorable Quotes:

Raven: We are here every week playing goth

music and talking about goth things: like the big black void that I sit on my

mattress and stare into…Esper: What? You have a… I’ve never seen

that in your room.

It is really hot in the studio and Esper

takes his clothes off. Raven is displeased.Raven and Esper are living together for the

second time.Esper finds Raven to be “pretty depressing”

– especially having to listen to his constant crying.

 Neither Esper or Raven want to talk about

their year in prison, or the genie.

 Somebody writes in to the show that Esper

thinks may be one of his patients from when he was a doctor.

 A lot of callers and a lot of pain emails

on this episode.

 Featuring Marshall Herschell Pain Mail # 18In this letter, Marshall sounds more

desperate and crazy than ever.

 Raven’s Haiku/s:

My pain is so hotI burn from the inside outMy eyes melt in heat

Gypsy wildernessIn the Comox Valley Why?beside your pain be

Memorable quotes:

 Raven: Sometimes our clothes make us feel

uncomfortable; you don’t just take them off in front of your friends.Esper: Why not?Raven: Because I don’t want to look at your

sweaty hairy chest. It looks like you just took a shower. You’re soaking wet. I

can’t believe how much you sweat.Esper: Well it’s like 800 degrees in here.Raven: I’m still keeping my cape and

turtleneck on.Esper: yeah and you’re dripping all over

the placeRaven: That’s true, but at least I’m

dripping with dignity.Esper: Your hair is stuck to your forehead,

it doesn’t look very dignified. You look like you’ve been crying. Your back eye

shadow is running down your cheeks. You look like a member of Kiss at a funeral

or something.Raven: I think that looks alright. Gene

Simmons after a horrible loss. Ace Freely not feeling so freely.

Esper: I wish I was still a doctor so I

could help him.Raven: I think he needs rehab; you weren’t

a rehab doctor.Esper: I was an everything doctor.Raven: You weren’t an everything doctor.Esper: I helped all kinds of people when I

was a doctor.Raven: You may have helped all kinds of

people when you were a doctor, but that certificate that you had that said,

“Everything Doctor” was made by you. Just because you considered yourself a

doctor of certificates as well, doesn’t mean you can just make a certificate

with new credentials on it.

Esper is back in black from his trip

abroad.He has been staying with Stanley (and

Stangelina… Stanley’s split personality that he is also in love with) since he

got back, in Stanley's huge apartment that he can afford due to his successful

law-suit with the Edmonton Police for wrongful imprisonment. Esper invites

Raven to come live there too.Esper explains what happened to him in Honk

Kong. He wasn’t “technically” kidnapped. He was part of a Hong Kong reality

show where tourists are led to believe they’re kidnapped.“It was very realistic; I was stripped

naked and beaten for hours, but then when they were like, “oh it’s a show” I was

given a free nice hotel room for a week. Of course, in the hotel room I was

stripped naked and beaten too. But after that I got a free first-class flight

home. But then at the airport, during the security thing, I was also stripped

naked and beaten. It was a nice trip to Hong Kong.”

 Raven brings up “the Genie” that Esper

started seeing while they were in prison, and whom Esper still believes is

real.

 Murphy Higgins calls in again. If you

believe, you can achieve.

 Featuring: Marshall Hershel Pain Mail # 17In this letter, Marshall announces that he

is coming to Edmonton, and that he and Raven should live together, and do the

radio show together, and incorporate sports.

Memorable quotes:

Raven: Esper, Stanley is one Woolly

Mammoth. He can’t have a threesome; he just thinks there are two of him.

Esper: If you’re going to move in with

Stanley, Stangelina, and I – you have to be accepting of their relationship.

And let me tell you, it’s amazing what a year in prison will do to the sex

drive of a male and female Woolly Mammoth trapped in one body.

Raven: Halloween is a sham holiday. All

hallows eve my foot. It’s just when all the non-goths dress up and get all

spooky, and then they just go to their stupid button down jobs tomorrow, or the

next day… while I’m still living on the street eating out of garbage cans,

returning bottles just so I can get my cape dry-cleaned.