I’ll admit it: when I’m dating, my first instinct is often to ask myself, Does he like me? Am I being attractive enough, charming enough, funny enough? I’ve caught myself twisting into shapes, trying to present the most appealing version of myself, so that someone else will choose me.

But here’s the truth — that’s a trap. When all of our energy is focused outward, on whether they like us, we forget to ask a much more important question: Do I even like them?

Do I feel good in their presence? Do I feel seen, alive, playful, sexy? Or am I shrinking? Dulling my light? Holding back parts of myself?

Because the real test of a connection isn’t just whether they find us attractive, it’s how we feel when we’re with them. Some people bring out different parts of our personality.

Around certain men, I feel playful and vibrant. Around others, I feel guarded, or even small. That tells me more about the connection than any flattering text or lingering look.

For me, with my history of anxious attachment, this has been a hard lesson to learn. There’s still a little girl inside me who desperately wants to be loved, whether or not I truly care for the person in front of me.

That longing can sometimes hijack my attention, pulling me away from the most important truth: love is not just about being chosen. It’s about choosing, too.

When we only focus on “Do they like me?” we give our power away. We let their opinions determine our worth, instead of standing in the truth of who we are.

But when we shift the focus to “How do I feel with this person?” we reclaim that power. We honour our needs, our joy, our sensuality. We stop auditioning and start evaluating. That’s a huge shift — and one that makes dating not only healthier, but so much more fun.

💗 How do I feel in their presence?

Do I feel safe, relaxed, and open — or anxious, tense, and self-conscious?

🌸 Do I like who I am when I’m with them?

Do they bring out my playful side, my sensual side, my best self? Or do I feel like I’m performing?

✨ Do I feel sexy and alive?

Do they light me up, make me feel vibrant, and see me as the sensual woman I am?

🪞 Am I showing up as me?

Yes, I’m responsible for my energy. But am I able to be fully myself in their presence, or am I editing, dimming, or managing myself to please them?

🌹 Do I actually want this person in my life?

Not “Do they want me?” but “Do I want them?” Do I admire them, respect them, feel inspired by them?

Dating isn’t about contorting ourselves into the woman someone else wants. It’s about being fully ourselves, and then noticing who delights in that, and how we feel in their company.

Because at the end of the day, we’re not just looking for someone to like us. We’re looking for a relationship that lights us up, that feels good, that allows us to be both our strong and our tender selves.

And that starts with asking the right question. Not “Does he like me?” but “How do I feel when I’m with him?”

💬 What about you? Do you find yourself slipping into the trap of wondering if someone likes you — instead of asking if you actually like them?

After a date, it’s easy to spiral into questions like, Did he like me? Will he call? What did he think of me?

But here’s the truth: the more powerful questions are about you.

Use this gentle check-in to ground yourself after each date:

🌸 How did I feel in his presence?

Did I feel safe, comfortable, playful, alive — or anxious, drained, or self-conscious?

💃 Did he bring out my best self?

Was I laughing, relaxed, and fully me? Or was I performing, holding back, or managing myself?

✨ Did I feel attractive and sensual?

Not just because he complimented me, but because his energy made me feel lit up in my own skin.

🪞 Do I admire and respect him?

Is there something about his character, his values, or his presence that I genuinely like?

🌹 Do I want to see him again?

Not “Would he want to see me again?” but “Do I actually want to spend more time with him?”

💗 What part of me was activated?

Did he connect with the real, grown-up woman in me… or was it that little girl who just wants to be loved at any cost?

Love

Ayesha

PS I wrote a song about how do you feel when you’re with someone - it’s on my The Dating Lounge (Volume 1) album on Spotify and other music streaming platforms.

How Do I Feel With You on Spotify

When I first started dating again after my divorce, I needed time off from men and dating. A lot of time. Even though I chose to end our marriage because I was so unhappy and couldn’t find a way to make it work, I was so sad about how it ended and things that happened afterwards that were really painful. I also had to mourn the loss of the dream of having a shared life with my then husband, and a family with our children.

9On a side note: just because one person decides that they’re done, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt them too.)

At the time, I was focused on my kids, of course, and doing what I could to keep everything afloat. But I wasn’t really filling my own cup. I wasn’t nourishing myself. I wasn’t asking, “What makes me feel alive?” I felt like I was swimming in a muddy pool, and sometimes I felt like I was drowning to be honest.

I didn’t rush into dating, but when I did, I wasn’t really ready to date. I was still recovering. And I needed to focus on myself and my kids.

Over time, I learned that when I gave more love and support to myself, I became both happier in my everyday life and subsequently more attractive in my dating life. (And I did attract a really great man that worked well for me for eight years.)

When you’re enjoying your friendships, exploring new hobbies, laughing with your family, and creating joy on your own terms, something shifts. You no longer walk into a date hoping someone will fill the gaps. You walk in knowing you’re already complete and that’s magnetic.

When we take care of ourselves first, dating feels very different. We don’t show up desperate for connection, we show up curious. We don’t tolerate breadcrumbs, because we already know our worth. And we don’t feel like life is “on hold” until we meet someone. Instead, life is rich right now.

It also makes us more attractive. Not because we’re doing anything performative, but because joy and self-fulfillment shine through. Confidence is sexy. A woman who laughs easily, has stories to tell, and feels good in her own skin is irresistible.

And here’s the best part: when you’re filling your cup, dating becomes fun again. It’s no longer a heavy task to “find someone.” The urgent desperation reduces because you know you have a good life regardless.

Having a partner becomes just one more way to enjoy life. If you meet someone wonderful, amazing. If not, your life is still pretty great.

💃 Do things that light you up

Dance, sing, paint, travel, cook, join a class — whatever makes you feel alive, do more of it.

👯 Nurture friendships

Strong, supportive friends remind us that connection isn’t only romantic. Schedule time with people who make you laugh until your stomach hurts.

👨‍👩‍👧 Soak in family moments

Time with children, parents, siblings, or extended family grounds us in love that lasts. These bonds are worth cherishing.

🪞 Invest in your self-confidence

Wear the clothes that make you feel sensual. Move your body in ways that feel good. Speak kindly to yourself. Confidence is magnetic.

✨ Adopt a mindset of abundance

You don’t need to grasp at one man as if he’s the last good one left. Believe in abundance — in love, in joy, in life.

🌹 Celebrate being a sensual woman

You are not just a mother, not just someone’s ex, not just someone’s future partner. You are a vibrant, juicy, sensual being, and that’s worth celebrating every single day.

Dating with a full cup feels lighter. It means you’re not waiting for someone to complete you, because you already know you’re whole. A relationship becomes the icing, not the cake. And the best part is, when you’re fully alive and enjoying your life, the men who are right for you will be drawn to that energy.

So fill your days with things that make you feel radiant. Date because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Life is happening now, and it’s meant to be savoured.

💬 What’s one way you’re filling your own cup right now? Is it friendships, hobbies, travel, or simply time for yourself?

Want to connect with other women dating in midlife?

Join The Dating Lounge Community

Love

Ayesha

PS I wrote a song about filling our own cup - it’s on my The Dating Lounge (Volume 1) album on Spotify and other music streaming platforms.

Listen to the Fill Your Own Cup on Spotify

When I think about long-distance dating, I don’t just mean overseas or interstate. For me, even meeting someone who lives an hour to 90 minutes away has felt like a kind of long distance. Living in a regional city near Melbourne, I’ve noticed that dating is simply harder when you don’t have the abundance of choice that a big city offers.

And while an hour doesn’t sound far on paper, in reality, it means no spontaneous coffee dates, no last-minute movie nights. Every meeting has to be carefully planned, and one person ends up clocking two to three hours of driving. That really limits how often you can see each other, and the cost starts to add up too.

I’ve even had a couple of first dates where the man booked a hotel for the night because he’d be driving so far. And it’s happened more than once, with different men. But let me be clear: I wouldn’t go back to a hotel on a first date. I don’t want that pressure, and I think many women feel the same. It creates an awkwardness we shouldn’t have to navigate when we’re just meeting someone for the first time.

I’ve also had a taste of true long-distance dating—the kind where states separate you. Years ago, when my daughter was a toddler (I was a single parent from when she was three weeks old due to family violence issues), I met someone online. We were smitten. We’d talk until 2 a.m., laughing and connecting like soulmates. After weeks of this, I drove to Melbourne to see family, and we arranged to meet. I was buzzing with excitement.

But when we did, it was a complete letdown. No spark. Not even a flicker. If anything, it was negative spark. We were both crushed. I’d poured so much time and emotional energy into the connection that the disappointment was overwhelming.

That’s the risk of long-distance: until you’re face-to-face, you really don’t know.

I’ve also watched friends navigate it. One woman I know has been in a three-year relationship with someone overseas, and they’ve never met in person. They FaceTime every day, which sounds romantic in a way, but after three years? My gut says something isn’t right. Surely someone could have gotten on a plane by now.

Of course, there are success stories—people who relocate, marry, and build beautiful lives together. But those stories usually involve a clear plan. Someone makes the move. The “someday” becomes reality. Without that, it’s easy to get stuck in limbo, pouring love into a screen instead of a life shared side by side.

For me, I know what I want now. My kids are teenagers, glued to their devices despite my best efforts to get them off (some days I want to smash their iPads with a hammer, lol). That means I actually have a lot of time to give to the right person. I want a local relationship, someone I can cook dinner with or snuggle up with on the couch for Netflix. And eventually, I want to live with someone again. Love doesn’t need to be complicated—I want it to feel lived-in and close by.

Here are some things to think about if you’re considering long-distance dating:

💡 Ask yourself: is there a realistic plan to eventually live in the same place?

💡 Be cautious about investing too heavily before you meet in person. Online chemistry doesn’t always translate offline.

💡 Set boundaries for first dates if travel is involved. You don’t owe anyone more because they drove or booked a hotel. Or even took a flight.

💡 Weigh the emotional cost. Is the waiting, the missing, and the planning worth it to you?

💡 Stay open, but also be honest about what you truly want—a local relationship, or one that requires distance.

At the end of the day, love is always a bit of a gamble. Long distance just raises the stakes. If you’re considering it, do so with eyes open, a plan in mind, and your own needs at the centre. Because the right relationship won’t feel like a burden—it will feel like home, whether that’s across town or across the world.

So tell me…

What’s your experience with long-distance dating?

Join the community at mydatinglounge.com — it will redirect you straight to where we gather. Inside, you’ll find connection, conversation, and encouragement from women just like you.

Love

Ayesha

I’ve met so many incredible women who are smart, funny, gorgeous, and creating an amazing life, who also have a genuine desire for connection.

Yet often, they’re not the ones ending up in healthy, committed relationships.

This is often because they wait.

They hesitate.

They overthink.

• “I’ll start dating when the timing feels right.”
• “I’ll open up when I’m sure I won’t get hurt.”
• “I’ll try again when I feel 100% confident.”
• “I will wait until I lose 10 pounds (or 5 kilos).”

The problem is that while they’re waiting for perfect conditions, other women are already taking small, brave steps forward.

The women who thrive in dating aren’t necessarily the youngest or the prettiest. They’re the ones who are willing to move. They send the message. They show up for the coffee date. They put their profiles out there even if they’re still tweaking the photos.

They act before they feel completely ready. And because of that, they build momentum.

You’ll never feel entirely safe and ready when it comes to dating. There’s always risk. There’s always vulnerability. But if you’re waiting for perfect certainty before you act, you’ll be waiting forever.

Love doesn’t arrive because you’ve done all the thinking. Love arrives when you’re willing to step into the unknown, take action, and keep moving even if it feels imperfect.

(I will say as a caveat, that if you have recently come out of a long term relationship and need time to recover and reset, it’s perfectly normal and healthy to wait before diving into a new relationship.)

The truth is this: momentum matters more than perfection. The women who move - even imperfectly - are the ones who find the connection they’re seeking.

I am currently the oldest and heaviest I have been in my life. I am having fun chatting to me on the apps, on the phone, and going on dates. I am putting myself out there and meeting people. Are some dates duds, sure. And some are great fun.

You and I won’t meet your next partners sitting at home waiting for everything to be perfect before we jump into dating.

So here’s the invitation:

What’s one step you’ve been putting off because you’re waiting for the “right time”?

• Is it creating your dating profile?
• Saying yes to a date you’re curious about?
• Allowing yourself to be open to connection again?

Choose one action this week. Take it before you feel ready. And notice how much lighter it feels to be moving instead of waiting.

Join the community at mydatinglounge.com — it will redirect you straight to where we gather. Inside, you’ll find connection, conversation, and encouragement from women just like you.

Love

Ayesha

When you’re dating, it’s so easy to get caught up in the spark. A smile, a flirty message, the thrill of someone new (I am very guilty of this as I fall all in pretty quickly and I am so open hearted).

But underneath the excitement, there are often little signs we brush aside. Red flags rarely arrive as a giant warning sign; they tend to slip in quietly. If you follow the Burned Haystack Method, you become more adept and seeing the red flags.

A red flag is anything that makes you feel uneasy, second-guess yourself, or question your worth. It’s often found in the gap between what someone says and what they actually do. Maybe they tell you they’re keen to see you but never lock in a time. Maybe they pop up with a “hey” after disappearing for a week. These little mismatches matter.

Obviously, the opposite of red flags are green flags — the behaviours that make you feel calm, valued, and steady. It’s just as important to notice these so you’re not only avoiding what drains you but moving toward what sustains you.

Here’s a simple way to check in with yourself when you’re meeting someone new:

❌ Red Flag Checklist

❌ They text but never follow through with plans

❌ Their words and actions don’t match

❌ You feel more anxious than calm around them

❌ They dodge simple questions about their life

❌ Every ex they talk about is “crazy” or the problem

❌ They dismiss your boundaries or make you feel silly for asking

❌ You find yourself waiting or hoping they’ll change

❌ Breadcrumbing: little crumbs of attention but no real effort

❌ Love-bombing followed by withdrawal

❌ Hot-and-cold communication

❌ Emotionally unavailable but giving just enough to keep you hooked

✅ Green Flag Checklist

✅ They follow through and keep their word

✅ Their actions and words line up

✅ You feel calm, confident, and more like yourself around them

✅ They answer your questions directly and openly

✅ They speak respectfully about past partners

✅ They listen to and respect your boundaries

✅ You feel valued without having to prove yourself

✅ They are emotionally available and steady

✅ They make space for you in their life naturally

✅ The effort feels mutual — you don’t have to chase

This kind of list isn’t about being harsh or judgmental. It’s about noticing. If you see a pattern of ❌s stacking up, it might be time to step back. If you see the ✅s shining through, that’s where your energy is best invested.

Join the community at mydatinglounge.com — it will redirect you straight to where we gather. Inside, you’ll find connection, conversation, and encouragement from women just like you.

Love

Ayesha

Anxiety and Dating

Let’s be real. Dating is vulnerable. You’re meeting new people, putting yourself out there, and sometimes sitting across from a complete stranger wondering if you’ve got spinach in your teeth or if they’ve got 100 red flags.

It’s normal for anxiety to pop up in the process.

And when you’re dating after 40, 50, or 60, there can be an extra layer of pressure. You’ve lived a life, maybe raised kids, had long-term relationships, or gone through heartbreak. You know what you want (and what you don’t), but that doesn’t mean your nervous system always cooperates.

The truth is, a little bit of anxiety is completely normal in dating. The key is learning how to work with it instead of letting it run the show.

Anxiety shows up for lots of reasons:

• Worrying if you’ll be liked or accepted
• Overthinking texts and messages
• Playing out “what ifs” before the date even happens
• Reliving past disappointments and assuming they’ll happen again

Our brains are wired for survival, not romance. So if you feel that racing heart before a date, that’s just your body trying to protect you. The good news? You can calm your system and still show up as your authentic, magnetic self.

Take a moment to pause and breathe deeply before opening the apps or walking into a date. A few slow breaths tell your body: “I’m safe. I’ve got this.”

You don’t have to reply to messages instantly. You don’t have to say yes to every invitation. Protecting your energy by moving at your pace reduces overwhelm.

Turn getting ready into self-care. Light a candle, play music, wear something that makes you feel radiant. This shifts the focus from “Will he like me?” to “Do I feel good in myself?”

Not every date will lead to love. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Each date is practice, information, and sometimes even just a funny story to share with friends.

Write down three things you love about yourself before a date. Keep them in your mind as you walk in. When you’re anchored in your own worth, anxiety loses its grip.

Dating doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence. When you can notice your anxiety without judging it, give yourself compassion, and take small steps to soothe your body, dating becomes less about pressure and more about possibility.

So the next time your heart races before a date, remind yourself: This is just energy. This is my body protecting me. And I get to choose how I dance with it.

Because love isn’t about being fearless. It’s about being real and showing up anyway. 💕

I have found that especially as I am now in peri-menopause, my anxiety has increased and dating exacerbates that. I have had to really lean into nervous system regulation as I can easily become dysregulated in this dating journey.

One day, before a date with a guy I really like, I felt him go cold and withdraw his energy. I couldn't regulate my nervous system and I had to go to a dear friend's house to borrow some regulation!

Here’s to learning more about ourselves and self-regulating. If you’re comfortable sharing, I would love to know more about your experience of anxiety and dating, and if you have any tips to share.

And…here’s my album on Spotify that is great music to pump you up for your date:

Sugar Rush on Spotify

Join the community at mydatinglounge.com — it will redirect you straight to where we gather. Inside, you’ll find connection, conversation, and encouragement from women just like you.

Love

Ayesha

Have you ever wondered why some relationships flow effortlessly while others feel like hard work? Human Design offers us a lens to understand not only how we’re wired, but how we connect with others — in love, dating, and beyond.

It’s not about “good” or “bad” matches. It’s about awareness. When you understand your design (and your partner’s or date’s), you stop second-guessing and start relating with compassion and clarity.

If you don’t know your type yet, you can get your free Human Design chart here: 👉 Get Your Chart

I’m a Certified Human Design Coach, and one of the ways I love experimenting with Human Design is through dating.

In my dating life, I’ve managed to get the birth details of many of the men I’ve dated and it’s been fascinating to see how our charts and energy types played out in real life.

As an Express Builder (Manifesting Generator), I’m naturally always on the go. Starting projects, doing things, moving fast. The only time I really stop is when I’ve completely drained my battery. And then I rest before going again.

When I was married to an Advisor (Projector), I expected him to keep up with my pace. I couldn’t understand why he needed so much rest or why he didn’t just take action the way I did. Honestly, it frustrated me.

But once I discovered Human Design, it all clicked. He wasn’t lazy or unmotivated. He was simply designed differently. Advisors/Projectors are here to guide and shine in bursts of wisdom, not to run endlessly like Express Builders/Manifesting Generators.

That realization changed everything. I could finally accept him lying on the couch watching a show while I buzzed around doing things. Instead of judging, I began to appreciate our differences.

I’ve also noticed that I’m most naturally attracted to other Express Builders like myself, we match each other’s fast-moving, multi-passionate energy.

On the other hand, I’ve found that dating Initiators (Manifestors) can be more challenging. Their energy is closed when they’re not actively thinking about me, and I can sense that intuitively. When I’m not feeling secure, this dynamic can trigger my anxious attachment style. When I am grounded and secure, though, I can admire their independence and powerful spark.

Interestingly, in my business, Advisors (Projectors) love working with me as they can lean into my Express Builder energy and hold space and accountability for their projects.

Builders are steady, glowing bonfires. They bring warmth, light, and consistent energy — but they only truly shine when they’re doing what they love. In relationships, their joy is contagious.

Do:

✔️ Ask yes/no questions to help them respond

✔️ Encourage what lights them up

✔️ Let them share their excitement

Don’t:

✘ Push them to initiate or make decisions on demand

✘ Expect enthusiasm if they’re stuck doing what drains them

Express Builders are like fireworks — dazzling, fast-moving, and full of variety. They love to explore, pivot, and try new things. Their energy can light up a relationship, as long as they feel free.

Do:

✔️ Celebrate their flexibility and enthusiasm

✔️ Be open to their many passions

✔️ Allow them to change direction

Don’t:

✘ Box them into one path

✘ Criticize them for moving on when something no longer excites them

Advisors are lanterns — they don’t burn constantly, but they shine with clarity and guidance when lit. They see things others miss, offering deep wisdom and insight when invited.

Do:

✔️ Recognize and appreciate their gifts

✔️ Invite them to share their wisdom

✔️ Respect their need for rest

Don’t:

✘ Expect constant doing or high energy

✘ Ignore or dismiss their insights

Initiators are sparks — they ignite new things and light up the path. They thrive when they have freedom to act on their impulses and inform you of their plans without being controlled.

Do:

✔️ Give them independence

✔️ Trust them when they inform you

✔️ Appreciate their ability to initiate

Don’t:

✘ Micromanage or restrict them

✘ Take their need for freedom personally

Evaluators are like the moon — reflecting the light of their environment and those around them. They are sensitive, wise, and deeply attuned to cycles. Relationships with them are about providing safety, calm, and consistency.

Do:

✔️ Create a supportive, peaceful environment

✔️ Give them time for decisions

✔️ Celebrate their sensitivity and wisdom

Don’t:

✘ Pressure them to be fast or consistent

✘ Expect them to always be the same

When you know your type — and the type of someone you’re dating — it changes everything.

Builders and Express Builders thrive when they’re excited. Advisors shine when they feel seen. Initiators need freedom. Evaluators need consistency and safety.

It’s not about changing yourself for someone else. It’s about understanding how you’re designed and allowing space for others to be who they are, too. That awareness creates compassion, connection, and healthier relationships.

Human Design doesn’t promise “perfect matches.” What it offers is language and tools to better understand yourself and others. It helps you see why you click with certain people, where friction might arise, and how to navigate those dynamics with awareness.

Because love isn’t about being perfect — it’s about being real. And Human Design shows us the most aligned way to be real with each other.

Ready to explore your design? Start here: 👉 Get Your Chart

I would love to know what your Human Design type is and if you’ve noticed any patterns in your relationships.

Join the community at mydatinglounge.com — it will redirect you straight to where we gather. Inside, you’ll find connection, conversation, and encouragement from women just like you.

Love

Ayesha

2/5 Express Builder (Manifesting Generator)

Dating as a Single Parent

When my daughter was just three weeks old, I became a solo mama. I had to leave an abusive relationship, and from that moment, my whole focus was on her. Dating wasn’t even a thought. I was in survival mode, pouring everything I had into keeping her safe and well.

For the first year and a half, it was just us two. My days were full of nappies, sleepless nights, and trying to put one foot in front of the other. But when she was about 18 months old, I felt something shift. I’d survived those raw early months, and a little part of me began to wonder if love might be possible again.

So, I dipped a toe into online dating. Back then, it wasn’t apps on a phone — it was a website called RSVP. And that’s where I met my husband. He came into my life when my daughter was two. He didn’t just love me, he cared for her too, stepping up as a father figure. We got married, had our son, and for a while, we built a family together.

When our marriage ended, I gave myself time. Two years, to be exact. Time to heal. Time to find myself again. Time to just be a mother before I could even think about being someone’s partner.

When I was ready, I tried again — this time on Plenty of Fish. And I had a surprisingly good experience. I met someone I connected with instantly. Emotionally, mentally, physically — it all clicked.

We ended up sharing eight years together. From the start, I knew there was an issue. In fact, after our second date, I told him I didn’t think we should continue because of it. He begged me to give him another chance, promised he’d work on it. And while he never really did, there was so much good in that relationship too.

My daughter became very unwell during those years, and he stood by me through it all. He gave me support I’ll forever be grateful for. Truly, I don’t know how I would have made it through those dark times without him. That relationship wasn’t wasted — it gave me love, companionship, and strength when I needed it most.

But eventually, the cracks that were there from the beginning never healed. My beautiful son and my partner never fully clicked, and the tension between them was hard to live with. As the years went by, I realised I wanted more. He wasn’t a bad man — in fact, he was a good one — but he wasn’t the right one for me and my children.

And most importantly, he wasn’t meeting my needs as a woman. Because dating as a mama isn’t only about our children. It’s about us too. We aren’t just mothers. We are women, sensual and sexual beings who crave intimacy, passion, and connection. That part of us matters just as much as the part that nurtures and protects.

Dating as a mama isn’t the same as dating before kids. There are layers of complexity that only mothers truly understand:

👶 When to introduce your children

This is the question that keeps us up at night. Too soon, and the kids get attached before we’re sure. Too late, and our lives never really blend. I’ve learned it’s about following your instincts — you’ll know when it feels secure enough to bring them together.

👥 Blending relationships

Will your kids and your partner get along? Sometimes it’s beautiful, and sometimes it’s painfully difficult. When it doesn’t work, it can leave you feeling torn in two, like your heart is being pulled in different directions.

💔 Heartbreak for children

It isn’t just us putting our hearts on the line. Our kids can grow to love someone, and when that person is no longer around, they feel the loss too. I once met a man who adored his stepchildren so much that he stayed in their lives even after separating from their mother. That kind of love left a mark on me.

⏳ Finding time for yourself and a partner

When your kids are young, time is scarce. Babysitters, schedules, exhaustion — it all makes dating harder. But I learned that making time for myself wasn’t selfish. It was necessary.

🌙 Intimacy and sex

Let’s be honest, this can be tricky. Even with the children’s father, intimacy after kids takes effort. Add in dating someone new, and it becomes a juggling act of timing, privacy, and logistics. It’s not impossible, but it does take creativity — and a partner who understands.

💗 Healing takes time

Don’t rush back into dating. Two years may feel like forever, but for me, it was exactly what I needed.

🌸 Trust your instincts

If you notice a red flag, listen. Those little gut feelings are there for a reason.

👧 Protect your children’s world

You don’t need to rush introductions. Take your time, protect their hearts, and move at a pace that feels safe.

🪞 Be proud of being a mama

It doesn’t make you less attractive — it makes you stronger and wiser. Own it.

🔥 Embrace your sensual self

Motherhood doesn’t erase your womanhood. You still deserve passion, intimacy, and desire. Don’t silence that part of yourself — it’s vital.

✨ Stay hopeful

Yes, dating as a mother is harder. But harder doesn’t mean impossible. Love is still out there, and when it comes, it can be even richer, because it’s love that embraces your whole life — the nurturer, the mother, and the sensual, sexy woman you are.

Dating as a mama is complicated, messy, and sometimes exhausting. But it’s also a chance to rediscover yourself, not just as a parent, but as a woman. Through every chapter of my journey — leaving an abusive relationship, building a family, surviving divorce, finding love again, caring for my daughter through illness, and walking away when I needed more — I’ve learned this:

We are not just mothers. We are women, with needs, desires, and dreams of our own. And we deserve love that honours all of it.

💬 What about you? If you’ve dated while raising kids, what has been the hardest part for you, and what has been the most rewarding?

Join the community at mydatinglounge.com — it will redirect you straight to where we gather. Inside, you’ll find connection, conversation, and encouragement from women just like you.

Love

Ayesha

(solo mama to a 13 year old boy who is going to be an amazing partner one day and a 19 year young woman learning about relationships for the first time)

I was on a date, sitting across the table with a drink in hand, telling him about this funny pattern in my life. Everywhere I go, people give me things for free. A cupcake here, a sample there, little gifts that just seem to find me.

I laughed as I said it, then added, almost as an afterthought, that what I don’t like in dating is being breadcrumbed. I’m over it. I don’t want crumbs of attention, I want the whole loaf.

Not two minutes later, as if the universe wanted to prove a point, one of the bar staff walked over, looked me directly in the eye, and asked, “Do you want this loaf of sourdough bread?”

A full, gourmet loaf, not just a slice. I couldn’t have scripted it better if I tried. The kitchen was closing, and they had extras, but to me it felt like a sign. Ask for the loaf, and the loaf will come.

That’s the thing about breadcrumbing in dating. It looks like little texts that don’t lead anywhere, vague promises of plans that never happen, likes on your photos without a real conversation.

It’s attention in tiny bites, just enough to keep you hanging on, but never enough to actually nourish you. And for a while, it can feel flattering or hopeful.

You think, maybe if I stick around, these crumbs will add up to something. But they don’t. They just keep you hungry.

That night reminded me that settling for crumbs only leaves you unsatisfied.

The right person won’t ration out their time and affection like it’s scarce. They’ll show up fully, with effort, with intention, with consistency.

They’ll bring you the whole loaf, warm and hearty, without you having to beg for it.

So now, when I notice someone breadcrumbing me, I don’t take it as a challenge to win them over. I take it as a clear answer. Crumbs aren’t enough. I’ll wait for the loaf.

And if the universe happens to send it straight to my table while I’m telling the story on a date, all the better.

If you’re noticing breadcrumbing in your own dating life, here are a few gentle ways to handle it:

• Notice the pattern and name it for what it is. A crumb is just a crumb, not a promise of more.
• Ask yourself how you feel after each interaction. Do you feel good, valued, connected, or do you feel strung along?
• Communicate clearly if you want more. Sometimes people don’t realise they’re coasting, and it’s fair to say, “I’m looking for more consistency.”
• If nothing changes, step back. Protect your energy and keep space open for someone who’s ready to give more than a crumb.

Because at the end of the day, you don’t need to survive on scraps. You deserve the loaf.

Join the community at mydatinglounge.com — it will redirect you straight to where we gather. Inside, you’ll find connection, conversation, and encouragement from women just like you.

Love

Ayesha

One of the most helpful things I’ve learned about love and dating is the concept of attachment styles. This is simply the way we connect, bond, and respond in relationships. It comes from our early life experiences, but it shows up again and again in our romantic lives, even when we’re dating after 40, 50, or 60.

Understanding your own attachment style (and spotting it in others) can save you so much time and heartache. To make it easier, let’s think of attachment styles as different kinds of dance partners. Dating really is like a dance, and each style has its own rhythm.

Secure partners are like steady dancers. They listen to the music, keep the rhythm, and hold their partner with care. Dancing with them feels natural and easy, and you don’t have to guess where you’re going next.

In dating, secure people are consistent, reliable, and clear. They make you feel calm, safe, and valued. If you feel like you can just be yourself around them, that’s the magic of secure attachment.

I experienced this in my previous relationship of 8 years. We had a very solid connection. I didn't feel anxious in our connection. This was a healing relationship for us both. We learnt a lot about how to be in a healthy relationship.

Anxious types dance really close, sometimes a little too close. They crave closeness and can worry about being rejected or abandoned. In dating, this may look like overthinking, wanting constant reassurance, or feeling unsettled if replies are slow.

With the right partner, they can relax into the music, but with the wrong one they may feel constantly off balance. If you notice you’re always on edge, your anxious side might be getting triggered.

If I am not feeling secure in my attachment, especially when I am dating someone new, I can get anxious quite quickly. I have sometimes felt anxious about something specific thought, and later realized that it was my intuition communicating with me and I misread it as anxiety. I am learning to discern the difference between anxious attachment, when I am not feeling connected and secure with a man, and when my intuition is telling me something isn't quite right.

Avoidant types are like dancers who keep stepping back. They value independence and can find too much closeness uncomfortable. In dating, they may dodge emotional conversations, keep things casual, or pull away when it feels “too serious.”

Dancing with them can feel like you’re chasing, while they keep slipping further away. They can be kind and caring, but they often need more space than feels comfortable in a partnership.

Being with someone with an avoidant attachment style can really increase my anxiety. I am someone who wants to fix things straight away when there is a problem. This is almost impossible when you're with an avoidant person as they just want to get away from the situation. I am learning that avoidant people need space and I need to be patient and wait for them to come back. I find this incredibly challenging.

This is the trickiest partner on the dance floor. Sometimes they pull you close, sometimes they push you away. It’s a mix of wanting connection and fearing it at the same time.

In dating, this can look like hot and cold behavior that leaves you confused. One moment they’re all in, the next they disappear. Dancing with them can feel like mixed signals set to music.

I have experienced this and it is very confusing. It's a bit of a mind f*ck to be honest. And you can feel a bit crazy with this attachment style.

Attachment styles are not about good or bad. They’re simply patterns. And patterns can change with self-awareness and healing.

The most important thing is to notice how you feel around someone.

Do you feel calm, steady, and valued, like you’re dancing in rhythm together?

Or do you feel anxious, confused, or like you’re always chasing the beat?

You don’t need to fix someone else’s attachment wounds. Your job is to recognize the dance and decide whether you want to keep moving with them.

I have noticed that my attachment is secure with some people (this is with friends and family, not just men I am dating or in relationship with) and some people really spike my anxious attachment. So the questions above are key for me.

The healthiest and most fulfilling relationships come from secure dynamics. That doesn’t mean perfect, but it does mean steady, consistent, and safe.

So when you’re dating, don’t just pay attention to the sparks. Notice the rhythm. Because love isn’t only about the thrill of the first dance. It’s about finding someone who makes you feel safe enough to keep dancing, song after song.

Join the community at mydatinglounge.com — it will redirect you straight to where we gather. Inside, you’ll find connection, conversation, and encouragement from women just like you.

Love

Ayesha