Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want

When a woman asks a male partner to "be more assertive in bed," those words are typically landing differently than she intends — and differently than he's hearing them. This is a gendered language problem, and it's causing real confusion, frustration, and disappointment in real relationships.

There is a real vocabulary mismatch about "dominance" and "assertiveness" rooted in how men and women are socialized differently as children around anger, aggression, and sexuality — and once you see it, you can't unsee it.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why "assertive" and "dominant" mean different things depending on how you were socialized — and why that gap is doing damage
• The five things women typically mean when they ask for more assertiveness in bed — for women who want to understand how to ask more effectively, and for the partners trying to meet it
• Why aggression shuts desire down at the nervous system level — and what works instead
• What "attuned confidence" actually means and how to build it
• What the masculine/feminine polarity content getting popular right now is actually teaching — and why it's harming real libidos
• Simple scripts for both of you: how to say what you actually mean, and how to ask what your partner actually means

Most couples are having the wrong conversation about this. This episode gives you the right one.

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

You've heard it a thousand times: "keep the spark alive, get back to how it used to be, recreate that honeymoon phase magic." But what if that's the wrong goal entirely?

Here's what nobody tells you: the honeymoon phase was a drug state — literally. A neurochemical cocktail of dopamine, norepinephrine, and nerve growth factor that made you want constantly, but didn't actually deliver the goods. Research shows that only 49% of women climax in new or casual encounters, compared to 70% in long-term committed relationships. You were having more sex, more urgently — and less actual satisfaction.

In this episode, I unpack the neuroscience of New Relationship Energy (NRE), why it was never meant to last, and — most importantly — what becomes available on the other side of it when you build intentionally. Spoiler: it's not a consolation prize. It's deep satisfaction that a honeymoon phase literally cannot give you.

You'll learn:

• What's actually happening in your brain and body during the "honeymoon phase" of NRE (and how serotonin actually drops)
• Why the NRE fade is completion, not failure
• What long-term desire offers that new relationships never can — being truly known, a partner who has learned your actual erotic makeup, and trust built through rupture and repair (if you  do the work to build it)
• Why "trying harder" doesn't work — and what actually changes the pattern
• The new research showing that desire for novelty and desire for deep commitment aren't opposites

This episode ends with a guided future visualization to help you focus forward. 

If you've been trying to go backward, this episode will turn you around.

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

BONUS: Teaching embodied consent at home—for your kids AND your relationship.

This special Podcasthon 2026 episode benefits Freedom Network USA, the largest coalition working on human trafficking in the United States. Prevention of sexual violence starts in families— and most of us were never taught how to practice true embodied consent ourselves.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why teaching consent early matters— and how it connects to preventing exploitation
• 5 practical tools you can use TODAY to teach body autonomy and boundary respect to your kids
• How to model consent in your adult relationship (even if you're navigating a desire gap)
• Why "embodied" consent is different from just asking—and why it matters
• What to do if you don't know how to say no without guilt or respect your partner's boundaries without resentment

Plus: An interview with Karen Romero, Co-Executive Director of Freedom Network USA, on immigration policy, vulnerability to trafficking, and how listeners can help.

Kids learn from what we DO, not just what we say. If you're struggling with embodied consent in your own relationship—saying yes when you don't want to, sulking when your partner says no, avoiding touch because it feels like pressure—your kids are learning those patterns too.

This episode gives you actionable practices to change that, plus a curated list of age-appropriate consent books for kids (link below).

Support Freedom Network USA: [Donate Here]

Learn more: https://freedomnetworkusa.org | https://podcasthon.org

Resources: Consent books for kids by age group: https://laurajurgens.com/consent-books-for-kids/

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

Does your partner's touch make your skin crawl? You're not broken—and this is fixable.

Touch aversion is when affectionate or sexual touch from your partner feels wrong in your body— irritating, threatening, or like you need to escape. This can happen even with light, loving touch. 

This isn't about attraction. It's a nervous system response— and it's more common than you think.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• What touch aversion actually is (and why it's not rejection, it's protection)
• 8 causes beyond sexual trauma—including disembodied consent, emotional coercion, being "touched out" from kids, unresolved resentments, and attachment patterns
• Why therapy may help you understand it but doesn't solve it (and what does)
• Why your partner acting hurt about it makes it worse, even though it's understandable
• The Three-Touch Discovery Process— a practice you can try today to start reconnecting with what your body actually wants

Touch aversion happens when your nervous system has learned that touch isn't safe— even with a safe partner. You can't think your way out of a body-based response. You need new somatic experiences to re-pattern.

This is solvable. But you need guided work with someone who specializes in nervous system re-patterning, not just talk therapy. So we'll talk about what that looks like. 

If you want help, book a consultation at https://laurajurgens.com/book-a-consult/

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

Treat others the way you want to be treated? Great rule. Terrible sex advice.

In this episode I'm breaking down the principle that actually works — go at the pace of the slowest body in the room, with open curiosity — and why applying the wrong golden rule is one of the most common ways couples accidentally shut down desire without even realizing it.

I talk about what going slow actually asks of the faster-arousing partner (hint: it's not a sacrifice — it's new, but delicious), why the slower-arousing partner needs to develop real self-knowledge first, and what that actually looks like in practice. I also get into why so many people with vulvas have never actually explored their own peak arousal — and why that matters more than most sex "experts" will ever tell you.

If you've ever felt like your body isn't responding the way it "should," or like you and your partner are somehow always missing each other — this one's for you.

Topics covered:

• Why the wrong golden rule kills desire without anyone meaning it to
• The nervous system reason that going too fast trips the brakes
• What the "five-course meal approach" actually looks like
• Self-exploration as a non-negotiable — and how to start
• Healing your relationship with your own genitals

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

Ever notice how sometimes the answer isn't more information — it's actually doing something with what you already know?

Like when your car is broken, you don't actually need more information from the mechanic after a certain point. You need someone to get under the hood and DO the work. 

I recorded this episode because I kept seeing the same pattern: people who've been reading books, listening to podcasts, and taking courses about their desire gap for years — but nothing in their relationship has actually changed.

If that's you (or someone you love), this episode might be the permission slip you need.

I walk through how to tell the difference between productive learning and learning as avoidance — when gathering more information becomes a way to delay the discomfort of actually trying something new. And I help you figure out which one you're in right now.

You'll learn:

• The one question that reveals whether you need more information or you need to take action
• How to know when "I just need to understand it better first" is actually fear talking
• Practical guidance to make the switch from default-thinking (aka fear and avoidance brain) to "I can take action" 

Here's the truth I wish someone had told me earlier in my own journey: You don't need to wait until "the right time." There is never a perfect time. You don't need to "feel ready." (We never feel ready). But there's a point at which we all need to decide we are worth it and take action, not just keep learning. 

If this resonates, send it to someone who's been stuck in the same loop. Sometimes we all need someone to lovingly say: you're ready, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

You've read the books. Maybe you've done therapy. You've tried scheduled sex, date nights, "just doing it." And you're still stuck.

Here's why: you've been trying to fix a layout problem with decorative solutions.

In this episode, I break down the kitchen remodel analogy— why desire gaps need something very different than what most people try. You need a comprehensive, body-based approach, not another book, toy, date night, or conversation about the problem. I'll walk you through what most of you have tried, why it hasn't worked (not your fault), why it feels so deflating, and what actually does work for real human beings.

This is for people who are exhausted, at their wit's end, and starting to wonder if it's even fixable. Spoiler: it is.

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

If you're ready to work on your desire gap but your partner won't go to therapy or coaching, this episode is for you.

The answer to "can I actually fix this alone?" is yes — and today I break down exactly how individual work changes the entire relationship dynamic, even when only one person is ready to start.

Drawing on systems theory and real client stories, we'll cover why waiting for your partner to be ready is costing you — and why going first is often the most powerful move you can make. You'll hear two real stories: a higher-libido partner who discovered what she actually needed (hint: it wasn't more sex), and a lower-libido partner who finally found their authentic "yes" by first owning her "no."

In this episode:

• Why changing yourself changes the entire relationship system
• The two most common reasons people keep individual coaching private — and why both are completely valid
• What actually happens when one partner goes first (it's not what you'd expect)
• Why lower-libido partners especially need solo time before couples work
• The reality check: what your partner's response tells you about what's possible

Whether you're the higher-desire or lower-desire partner, you don't have to stay stuck waiting for someone else's timeline. Your growth ripples out. Always.

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

Avoiding sex? Feeling the "ick" when your partner initiates? Going to bed at 8pm to dodge intimacy? You probably think you have low libido. But what if that's not what's actually happening?

In this vulnerable episode, I share my own story of years spent in what I call "the messy middle"—that phase where you've stopped having sex you don't want, but you haven't figured out what you DO want yet. From the outside, it looked like my libido vanished. But what was really happening? My body was setting boundaries after years of performing intimacy.

I walk you through the three phases: passive withdrawal (where most people get stuck), learning to own your voice and have the hard conversation, and discovering your authentic pleasure. I also share the specific fears that keep people stuck—"What if talking about this makes it worse?"—and what actually helps you move forward.

Note: This pattern happens most for women due to socialization, but it affects anyone who's learned to perform sexually rather than connect authentically.

If you're in the messy middle, this episode will help you understand why—and what comes next.

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training. 

When you're running on empty, sex feels like just another demand on your already depleted system. But burnout isn't just affecting your work life—it's killing your desire and disconnecting you from your partner.

Dr. Amy Grimm, veterinarian and certified burnout coach, joins me to explore how chronic stress impacts intimacy. We discuss what both high and low desire partners need to know, including: 

• Why burnout is a nervous system problem, not just a work problem
• How to tell if you're burned out vs. depressed
• Why sex becomes performative when you're disconnected from yourself
• The micro-moment practices that actually restore your nervous system (no hour-long meditations required)
• How to reconnect with your body so you can reconnect with your partner

If you suspect burnout is affecting your relationship or libido, this conversation will help you understand what's really happening—and give you simple tools to start healing.

Resources: Free video series: The Burnout Fix - https://burnoutfreeme.kit.com/burnoutfix Amy's podcast: Burnout-Free Me - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/daring-dvm/id1685789557 Website: https://daringdvm.com

Send Laura Fan Mail

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide
 
Follow me on Substack for deeper dives into the research and notes from my practice at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/

The Guide to Finding Your Secret Turn-Ons includes the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

 © Laura Jurgens, PhD, Pleasure Uprising. Quote with attribution and a link to the original. No reproduction in full and no use for AI training.