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Episode 27: Our third episode in our Attachment arc starts discussing how attachment affects us in adulthood.

We talk "Internal Working Model" "A cognitive framework comprising mental representations for understanding the world, self, and others. A person’s interaction with others is guided by memories and expectations from their internal model which influence and help evaluate their contact with others."

https://www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html

And how we see our own IWM, and how our relationship with God affects it.

Psalm 139:5 You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.

There are three main features of the internal working model: (1) a model of others as being trustworthy, (2) a model of the self as valuable, and (3) a model of the self as effective when interacting with others. These beliefs of who we are, vs. how safe “the world” guides many of our interactions.

Differentiation: Differentiation means maintaining your own individuality while in a relationship. How do you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and acknowledge how other's thoughts, feelings, behaviors effect you?

This gives us the ability to communicate your thoughts, feelings, behaviors honestly & lovingly to others, and not try to make them take responsibility for you, while you don't take responsibility for them.

Hugging til Relaxed Here's a terrific was to get more in touch with your partner while also getting a better grip on yourself. It turns a simple hug into a window into your relationship and a way to improve it. Prepare yourself by taking a few minutes to slow down, relax, and slow your heart rate. Then stand facing your partner a few feet away. Get a balanced, well-grounded stance over your own two feet. Close your eyes, take a breath, and relax again. Open your eyes, and when the two of you are ready, shuffle forward without loosing your relaxed balanced position, so that you have one foot between your partner's feet. Get close enough that you can easily put your arms around your partner without feeling off balance, or pulling or pushing your partner off-balance either. Shift your stance or position as needed to be physically comfortable. Let yourself relax into the hug and remember to breathe. Lots of feelings about your partner, your relationship and yourself are bound to surface. Note your resistances but don't give into them. Afterwards, talk about the experience with your partner. It often takes several months of practice, several times a week, but you'll be amazed by the many improvements this brings. Hugging 'till Relaxed is fully described in the book Passionate Marriage.

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Today, we're continuing our conversation with Attachment Theory--or how we bond in initial relationships, and then learn to set boundaries as we grow. Brandon will bring the pastoral perspective today. A Review: “Attachment” how our relationships and how we “bond” throughout our life begins with our first caregivers, and how they take care of our physical needs, soothe us when we’re stressed, and take delight in us in our childhood.

Ephesians 4 NLT https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+4&version=NLT

From "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yerkovich “Secure Connectors..., are comfortable with reciprocity; balanced giving and receiving in relationships.They can describe strengths and weakness in themselves and others without idealizing or devaluing. Skilled at self-reflection, Secure Connectors are able to clearly and easily communicate their feelings and needs.“ (www.howwelove.com)

From the pastoral perspective, that’s what Scripture is about. Adam needing attachment, Man made in image of God. God desires union, and created us to be in union with Him. Ends with all creation caught up in this restorative movement of heaven on earth.

Romans 8- https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8&version=NLT

“…Classically, there are three ways in which humans try to find transcendence …. through the ecstasy of alcohol and drugs, through the ecstasy of recreational sex, though the ecstasy of crowds. “ Eugene Peterson

James 1:27 NLT Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

Matthew 3:16-17 NLT After his baptism, as Jesus came up out of the water, the heavens were opened and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and settling on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy.”

Our work is to BELIEVE that we can be securely connected to God, even though we haven't experienced how fully we are loved yet.

Luke 5:16 NLT https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+5%3A16&version=NLT

A few practices we mentioned: Sitting in silence, thinking about God's Love, or Presence, or something that's come up about Him in the past week.

And

While trying to pray, notice the things that "distract" you. Noticing them, and ask Jesus "what do you want me to notice?"

The Gratitude Ladder Sit somewhere quiet. Breathe deeply. Notice your thoughts, and let them go.

-The Good: Be thankful for the things that easily come to mind. Let your heart savor & delight in those things for a few moments. Notice the shift in your brain.

-The Bad: Bring to mind some sort of challenging situation, that's harder to give thanks for. Not because it doesn't feel good, but because in the midst of it, your soul is being matured & transformed. Through this thing, something eternal is being built in you.

-The Ugly: Give thanks for some part of you that you don't like. A habit that you want to overcome, that you judge about yourself. Don't give thanks for it because it's good, or good for you, but give thanks that God still says yes over you. So you can say "God, how can you be so good that I can still be loved even with this habit."

Sit again in silence for a moment. Notice your breathing.

It’s season two, and we’re diving straight in. In this episode we cover the basics of Attachment Theory. How does the understanding of our own attachments (and the attachments of those around us) allow us to navigate our physical and spiritual relationships?

Attachment Theory: a set of concepts that explain the emergence of an emotional bond between an infant and primary caregiver and the way in which this bond affects the child’s behavioral and emotional development into adulthood.

“The way we do anything is the way we do everything”  - Martha Beck

More reading on Secure vs Insecure attachment: here

‘Molecular Man’ Conan O'Brien Sketch: here

Romanian Orphans Further reading: here 

Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs: Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a description of the needs that motivate human behavior. In 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed five different kinds of human needs, beginning with the most basic: survival. Physiological needs, such as food and shelter, are followed by needs related to safety. Next, there are needs of love and belonging. Fourth, humans have needs of esteem, such as the need for being respected. The final need in the hierarchy is the need for self-actualization (fulfilling one's potential). The hierarchy suggests that basic needs must be met prior to less basic needs; for example, a starving person will seek food before self-actualization

Further reading on Kegan’s Constructive Developmental Theory

Further reading on the psychologist; John Bowlby: here

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality - Book

This Cultural Moment - Podcast 

Further reading on Freudian Theory: here

The Strange Situation, further reading

Daniel Tiger: Grown-Ups Come Back (Daniel Tiger School Of Parenting)

How We Love - Book

Changes That Heal - Henry Cloud

This Season's Focus:  "Identity" 

Who are we, and how did we get this way?   We'll be covering the following topics:

• Attachment Theory, Bonding & Boundaries in Relationships
• Codependency
• Understanding The Bible
• Personality Theories
• Cultural Awareness & Racial Reconciliation

That's what we have so far -- but we reserve the right to keep adding to the list.   We'll be interviewing some AWESOME guests to expand these conversations.

Our first interview! Bryan Rouanzoin's work integrating different spiritual development stages inspired our 7-episode conversation. We're excited to have Bryan, to communicate his own studies and experience in this Spiritual Development work. See all these notes of theories & quotes that Bryan knows off the top of his head!

Bryan lives in Costa Mesa, CA with his wife Jenni, and two kids: Evie and Jude. He is a pastor on staff at Vanguard University and continues to serve alongside local church communities in teaching and worship capacities and has a unique interest in helping people explore their own developmental journey as it relates to spirituality and growth. He is the co-founder of the The Way at Vanguard. Check out thewayofjesus.org to find out more about these spiritual practices.

He has recently released on iTunes: "Made New" from the label "From the Vine". and Bryan's most recent music release is a collaborative project "Seek & Behold" co-written with Debrianna Cabitac.

Here's a link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/made-new/993275143

Seek & Behold by Debrianna Cabitac https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/seek-behold/1305314140 https://open.spotify.com/album/1jejWJcOilhDiR1lbn9FVo?si=9WTv81QBTPOOR-OhgcOrPg

Erikson's Developmental Stages: https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html

False Self/Shadow self-- the idea that we struggle through our own deficits and flaws, firstly to cover them up. the despariy between our core essense

We're so hell bent on holding onto this image of ourselves, that we, in the process, cover up and push away from our core essense that's vulnerable, open and surrender-oriented.

Phil 2:6-11 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature[b] of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Matthew 5-7, Sermon of the Mount.

Cynthia Bourgeault The spiritual journey, wherever it comes from, is always the same. It always is surrender, attention and compassion.

"That first initial stage of disorientation (in spiritual development), the dark night of the soul, is a way for you to realize that what you've been pursing or finding satisfaction in is the FORM of worship with God, but not the essence, which is God Himself." Bryan R.

Jesus is the WAY before He becomes truth, and then He becomes life.

"The practice of pilgrimage is a going forth and a returning home that enlarge the meaning of both the self and home." Sharon Daloz Parks

Faith is living out the reality of

"God doesn't give us a list of propositions of who He is, He gives us a relationship and a character of faith that we see in the Old Testament. Who is kind, who is good. Then we meet the face of Jesus, the full expression of God." Bryan R.

Stages of Faith: The Psychology of Human Development and the Quest for Meaning By James W. Fowler

Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development https://www.psychologynoteshq.com/kohlbergstheory/

We take a look at The Critical Journey theory by Hagberg + Guelich, which looks at the external + internal spiritual journey.  We weave in a lot of Peter Scazzero's Emotionally Healthy Spirituality theory, and how important that perspective has been.  

"You can't be spiritual mature if you're emotionally immature." Pete Scazzero

The Critical Journey Drawing upon this classical vision of the Christian life and drawing from the work of James Fowler’s seminal Stages of Faith, Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich, developed a stage theory model for the spiritual journey that they call “the critical journey.”

6 stages: First 3: the “external journey” (1) Recognition of God—a believer first encounters God and experiences the life of faith; (2) Life of Discipleship—one engages in the disciplines and practices of their faith; (3) the Productive Life—one moves towards a productive and active life working for God.

Next 3, Inner Journey What do you think it ends with?

(4) Inner journey, doubts and disappointments, loss of previous structures, church may not make sense DESIRE LINE! (5) Journey outward, toward others, freedom to be, no need to prove their faith or earn anything In love, submitting to God’s perfect love We see love is all in all (6) Life of Love, union with God

“For most of us the Wall appears through a crisis that turns our world upside down. It comes, perhaps, through a divorce, a job loss, the death of a close friend or family member, a cancer diagnosis, a disillusioning church experience, a betrayal, a shattered dream, a wayward child, a car accident, an inability to get pregnant, a deep desire to marry that remains unfulfilled, a dryness or loss of joy in our relationship with God, a building permit denied by the community for the fourth time.” Peter Scarzerro

“The Wall experience”, Hagberg and Guelich explain, “is the place where psychology and spirituality, converge.”

Ignatian Spirituality "Finding God in All Things" Check out this article on Ignatian Spirituality http://jesuits.org/spirituality

You can't be spiritual mature if you're emotionally immature. Pete Scazzero

Matt 23:26 "First wash the inside of the cup and the dish, and then the outside will become clean, too."

John 1:1-5 (NLT) 1 In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He existed in the beginning with God. 3 God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. 4 The Word gave life to everything that was created,[a] and his life brought light to everyone. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.

With Spiritual Development, what you're going through, isn't chaos. It makes sense. Anything that brings up fear, or the unknown-- trusting God and seeking Union with HIM is what gets you through.

Our ALMOST final episode on Spiritual Development.  In times when language doesn't express fully your love for God, or pain, hurt or struggle, there's ways to continue praying without words.  We look at The Dark Night of the Soul, and define the "darkness" as "unknowing" instead of necessarily "scary" (like being left alone in the dark).  We look at different methods for approaching God + theology, Cataphatic & Apophatic. (The "knowing" that comes with language or the ability to describe, and the knowing that is too deep for words). 

The Dark Night of the Soul

In every developmental model that we've looked at in the past few episodes (M. Scott Peck, St. Teresa's Mansions, James Fowler's Stages of Faith), they have two similar parts: 1. The Dark Night of the Soul 2. Every pattern ends with Union with God

The Dark Night is an "Unknowing" (see Gearld May's book), as opposed to "Scary" (see the original writing from St. John of the Cross in Spanish).

You can feel alive & experience God's presence, but not know what's happening, or how to move forward.

The Dark Night of the Soul: A Psychiatrist Explores the Connection Between Darkness and Spiritual Growth by Gearld May https://www.amazon.com/Dark-Night-Soul-Psychiatrist-Connection/dp/0060750553

------------------------------------------------- Footprints in the Sand: One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Author: Carolyn Joyce Carty ------------------------------------------------- Cataphatic & Apaphatic: Attempting to Capture Truth

Cataphatic: truth that we can put language to. Apaphatic: truth that we have, without being able to fully describe it.

Our notions of love are so thread-bare compared to the reality of God's love, that all we can really say it "God is not hate."

How does our view of God & His love for us change as we grow from childhood into adulthood?  Looking at how our faith develops over the span of human development, using James W. Fowler's Stages of Faith.  We talk a lot of attachment theory, and how we have frozen in different developmental stages in a few ways.   

Debate: Who's the bigger nerd?  Susette or Brandon?

You can vote on our Desire Line Podcast Community on Facebook!

The OC Supertones "Found" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMYnU_VyCM0

A Chart comparing Fowler's Stages of Faith with M. Scott Peck (see ep 15-18 of the Desire Line)

http://www.psychologycharts.com/james-fowler-stages-of-faith.html

Information on this episode was taken from this article by Rose Anne Karesh (Thank you, Rose Anne!): 

https://owlcation.com/humanities/James-Fowler-and-Spiritual-Development-Stages-of-Faith

From the article:

James Fowler's Stages of Faith Stage 1: (3 to 7 years ) Intuitive–Projective stage in which children are beginning to be able to use symbols and their imaginations. However children in this stage are very self-focused and inclined to take very literally (and self-referentially) ideas about evil, the devil or other negative aspects of religion. The ability to sort out reality from fantasy is not well developed.

Stage 2: (6-12 years, school age) Mythic–Literal stage in which information is organized into stories. These stories, along with moral rules, are understood literally and concretely. There is little ability to step back from the story and formulate an overarching meaning. Justice and fairness are seen as reciprocal. A few people remain in this stage throughout their lives.

Stage 3: (adolescence to early adulthood, some people remain permanently in this stage) Synthetic–Conventional stage in which people believe without having critically examined their beliefs. Their beliefs are in what they have been taught and in what they see “everyone else” as believing too. There is a strong sense of identity with the group. People in this stage are not very open to questions because questions are frightening at this point of development. People in this stage place a large amount of trust in external authority figures and tend not to recognize that they are within a belief system “box” as their beliefs are internalized but have not been examined.

Stage 4: (the earlier in adulthood the easier on the person) Individuative-Reflective stage in which a person begins to recognize they are in a “box” and look outside it. People in this stage ask questions and see the contradictions or problems in their beliefs. This can be a very painful stage as old ideas are now modified and sometimes rejected altogether. Some people give up on faith altogether at this point but faith can be strengthened in this stage as beliefs become explicitly, personally held. There is a strong reliance on the logic, rational mind and the self.

Stage 5: (usually not before mid-life) Conjunctive stage in which a person who has gone through the deconstruction of the Individuative-Reflective stage begins to let go of some of the reliance on their own rational mind and recognize that some experiences are not logical or easily understood at all. The move here is from either/or to both/and; complexity and paradox are embraced. People in this stage are more willing to dialogue with people of other faiths, seeking further information and correction to their own beliefs, and are able to do this without letting go of their own faith.

Stage 6: Universalizing stage. Very few people reach this stage, which is characterized by seeing all of humanity as one brotherhood and taking profound, self-sacrificing action to care for all humanity because of this view.

Article on Play Therapy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemporary-psychoanalysis-in-action/201601/child-s-play-how-play-therapy-works

This episode focuses on Union with God, and some history on those who have sought it and wrote about it. What do we experience in our heart, body, and mind when we're experiencing God's love and feeling united with Him?

Here's an article on mushashi proteins and how the brain chooses to actively forget something:

https://www.popsci.com/article/forgetting-actively-controlled-process-brain

Mystics, in the history of the Catholic church, saw the value of experience in relationship with God. -Periphery -Julian of Norwich -Revelation of Divine Love 1395

https://catholicstrength.com/?s=st+teresa+mansions

St. Teresa of Avila -Mansions 1-3 correspond to the purgative stage of the journey (turning from sin to virtue); -Mansions 4-5 correspond to the illuminative stage of the journey (entering into supernatural prayer); -Mansions 6-7 correspond to the unitive stage of the journey (spiritual betrothal and marriage).

Additionally, mansions 1-3 correspond to the active part of the journey, where the soul is conscious of its own effort, supported by grace, to overcome sin and draw closer to God, whereas mansions 4-7 correspond to the passive part of the journey, where the soul becomes aware that God is acting upon it. (Reference: Mary E. Giles, 161; and as explained by Saint Teresa herself)

Discussing our own attempts to daily prayer, the struggles, the anger that can come up when we pray.

How do we, as Christians, transcend boundaries appropriately while maintaining our faith in who God is? In this episode, we dive into part II of our discussion on M. Scott Peck’s Stages of Spiritual Development and how we see the transition from Stage II (Boundaries) into Stage III (Tension) play throughout the bible and our lives.

  Image and explanation of a Dendrite https://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/dendrite “One sign of maturity, are the thoughts that no longer occur to us.” -Dallas Willard

Romans 1

Romans 12

Till We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.” Matthew 5:17 Paul’s Theology of Conscience 1 Corinthians 8-10 Romans 14

He set another man before them, saying, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; which indeed is smaller than all seeds. But when it is grown, it is greater than the herbs, and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in its branches."

— Matthew 13:31–32 WEB   More reading on the Theory of Moral Development: https://explorable.com/theory-of-moral-development Postmodernity: is the economic or cultural state or condition of society which is said to exist after modernity. Some schools of thought hold that modernity ended in the late 20th century – in the 1980s or early 1990s – and that it was replaced by postmodernity, while others would extend modernity to cover the developments denoted by postmodernity, while some believe that modernity ended after World War II. The idea of the post-modern condition is sometimes characterised as a culture stripped of its capacity to function in any linear or autonomous state as opposed to the progressive mindstate of Modernism.

Postmodernity can mean a personal response to a postmodern society, the conditions in a society which make it postmodern or the state of being that is associated with a postmodern society as well a historical epoch. In most contexts it should be distinguished from postmodernism, the adoption of postmodern philosophies or traits in art, literature, culture and society. In fact, today, historical perspectives on the developments of postmodern art (postmodernism) and postmodern society (postmodernity) can be best described as two umbrella terms for processes engaged in an ongoing dialectical relationship, the result of which is the evolving world in which we now live.

The importance of Peck’s theory is basically seeing patterns that validate we aren’t alone. If we can understand/calibrate where we are in the process, it can help us see the world in a more dynamic way.