The Desire Line

Continuing conversation about how we experience Shame in our lives, how it effects our perspective of how we're loved by others, and how any shame we experience is NOT truth. Brandon explores scripture and the biblical narrative of shame, starting with Genesis 3 ending with Revelation 21 about how shame is something that God of the Hebrew Bible, and Jesus of the Gospels saw in people, and sought to love us in a way that helped us fight it. Jesus came to set us free to the original "nakedness", our ability to be vulnerable without fear and shame.

"Shame" in the bible is often explained as "covered" in shame. It's something that we feel at our root that we don't belong in relationship, and can lean into other behaviors or postures, some that are hedonistic, some that are moralistic (rigid religiosity, addiction, pornography, etc.).

Guilt or conviction are good motivators for transformation, but shame is not. If you're experiencing shame, it's not the voice of Jesus.

The Desire Line: Out of our deep desire for him, we're walking towards Him--maybe not in the way that we've always been taught.

Please subscribe on iTunes, and subscribe, rate, and review us. It really helps. You can check out the exercises we discuss on this podcast on our website: desirelinepodcast.com/listen, under Episode 8.

Shame is our topic this episode -- and how to begin building resilience against it. Check out the beginning of our arc on these topics with Trauma (Ep 3), Anger (Ep 4) Anxiety (Ep 5&6) and now Shame. We define shame from Brene Brown: Shame is an intense painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love or belonging. And Curt Thompson "The Soul of Shame" The feeling of: "I am not enough; there is something wrong with me; I am bad or I don't matter." The fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of affection or love.

12 Categories where Shame is Triggered: -Appearance and body image -Money and work -Motherhood/fatherhood -Family -Parenting -Mental and physical health -Addiction -Sex -Aging -Religion -Being stereotyped or labeled

We first learn that we're worthy of love or affection from our first caretakers (typically Mom and Dad). Bonding, oxytocin chemicals, skin-to-skin contact and how getting our physical needs met meets our emotional needs for the first fear years of life.

Brandon mentioned this article on Romanian Orphanage & Attachment Story: https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/romanian-orphans-subjected-to-deprivation-must-now-deal-with-disfunction/2014/01/30/a9dbea6c-5d13-11e3-be07-006c776266ed_story.html?utm_term=.f2cf5a79a370

If this doesn't happen, it will result in shame (at the very least). If we have difficult relationships with our first caretakers, it can lead to this sense that "I can't attach" or "I don't belong" or I'm not worthy of love," "I'm invisible."

Brene Brown's Exercise:

Thinking about shame from a physical body perspective: fill in the blank.

I physically feel shame in/on my ________________ It feels like ______________________ I know I'm in shame when I feel _______________ If I could taste shame, it would taste like ________________ If I could smell shame, it would smell like ________________ If I could touch shame, it would feel like _________________ Considering these Statements:

I want to be perceived as ____________ and ____________ I do NOT want to be perceived as ______________

How does anxiety tie in with our FOO (Family of Origin) or COO (Church of Origin). Brandon talks about his Obsessive Compulsive symptoms that he felt tied to his family background.

Panic Attacks and how we (and others) define anxiety -- do you "fight" anxiety? Or do you feel the need to allow it, without fighting it in order to move through?

How did your FOO and your COO effect your ability to calm yourself down? Secure attachment with our first caretakers (i.e. Parents) is a way that we experience safety, security, & comfort. Power and Intimacy (Imminence & Transcendence), in balance, are what we need as kids to feel safe, and it's what we need in our relationship with God as adults to manage adult stress.

Grief & Lament helps us to manage and label what was missing in our lives in order to move into a place of accepting what we needed in our FOO, and how to move towards wholeness.

12 Steps from Celebrate Recovery: https://www.celebraterecovery.com/index.php/about-us/twelve-steps

We talk bible-- the experience of experiencing God in both imminence and transcendence, like in Exodus 33. Susette reviewed how this passage brings her a sense of comfort and wonder in the midst of anxiety.

Towards the end of the episode, our personality differences show about our experience with God (in a way that we both like very much.)

Check out desirelinepodcast/listen.

In episode 6 post is our Anxiety Ladder Exercise. The Welcoming Prayer is part of Ep 5 post.

Anxiety is our topic in these next two episodes. This is part of series we've done on Trauma, Anger, Anxiety and Shame. We start with a free association game on anxiety-- there's so many words that we use to describe it! We describe our own anxiety that morning.

Brandon tells a story of a panic attack that he experienced after a surgery. His experience taught him empathy and compassion for those who experience anxiety and panic, but also learned that for him, anxiety is something he needs to accept in the moment, without fighting it.

Therapeutic perspective on anxiety: We talk road rage: a typical Southern California conversation. Different words for anxiety, stress, agitation, frustrated. Physical symptoms of anxiety are endless. Tension in muscles, limbs, forearms, chest pressure, chest pain, heart races, headaches, stomach butterflies, stomach pain, intestinal problems, flushed face and neck, etc, etc. Anxiety effects our thinking in different ways: we catastrophize, overthinking, thoughts going around and around, all-or-nothing thinking. We discuss all-or-nothing thinking, or binary thinking, and how our culture is increasingly binary.

Spiritual perspective on anxiety: Acknowledging that God is sovereign and all powerful when we are feeling powerless, isolated and lonely, or helpless. Anxiety can push us to not settle, with a lack of peace. How to talk about techniques, prayer, engage with God, but not in a way where there's a "formula" or a "rain dance" to bring peace from God. We want to sit in the tension of not being able to control God while we need Him to experience peace. Living by the Spirit should be our goal, not trying to just "do what the bible says," but to live WITH God in relationship.

How do we resist the shame we feel when we're anxious, that we're not good enough Christians, but instead, use our anxiety as an invitation to acknowledge our need for God?

Check out Rhett Smith's book, "The Anxious Christian."

The scriptural opposite of Anxiety is peace (Shalom). Shalom: Nothing lacking, everything made whole. How do we dwell in peace?

Two ways that we deal with anxiety: Moralism (doing the right thing to earn our way out) and Hedonism (avoiding the emotion, and numbing our way out). Brandon explained The Parable of the Two Sons (or the Prodigal Son), and how neither hedonism and moralism will help us to understand the heart of God. We discuss our own perspective on whether we lean towards hedonism or moralism. Susette talks her own journey down her desire line, and her history of feeling like a "good" or "bad" Christian and the shame that comes with that. Brandon identifies imminence and transcendence,

Bible passages mentioned:

Phil 4:6-7 Matthew 6 Romans 8:6

Anger is good, or can be good for us, because it points to things that are "under the hood" or emotions that are deeper than we sometimes realize. Vulnerable emotions like being sad, anxiety, fear, worry, and shame can sit underneath anger. Brandon + Susette talk about some of their experiences with their own anger. How does anger effect your parenting, and how to kids experience their parents anger.

Trauma is a great way to introduce the concept of anger in our body/brain (limbic system, amygdala, hippocampus, anterior cingulate gyrus), check out Episode 3: Trauma + Hope to hear more about how our brain functions re: trauma, anger, + anxiety. Anger is a secondary emotion. We act with anger to express those underneath emotions: shame, fear, sadness. We can control the anger better than we can the sadness/fear. As we talk about how anger is accepted and received in different cultures-- do you agree with this? How does your cultural background experience anger?

From Eph 4: The emotion of anger is just the emotion. The behavior of anger is what we need to be careful of.

Resentment vs. Rage. The feel of tension underneath the surface can make it hard to tell what's happening for people that we love.

Taking offense should not be part of the Christian life. It allows the angry feeling to take root in you, instead of moving through you.

We have to fight shame sometimes to look "under the hood" with our angry feelings. Using Romans 8:1, feeling free of condemnation + shame and invited into the whole truth of why we respond the way that we do.

Grief + Lament can be part of the process to move through anger. Lament is acknowledging anger, sadness + grief in God's presence, in order to acknowledge reality of our world + lives.

Practicing Empathy is a way to understand the grace that's already given to us (unconditional love from Jesus, and power that He gives us through the Holy Spirit), and to remember that someone that you're feeling angry towards also deserves the grace and love from Jesus (again, see Eph 4).

Assertiveness, aggression, passive-aggression, and passiveness are ways to respond to anger, but the goal is to be ASSERTIVE (care about the other person, and care about yourself). Truth in love in your relationships. We all have work to do in the balance of finding truth in love.

The Desire Line: When I'm angry, ask: What am I really seeking? What do I need? What's underneath this resentment, anger, offended feeling?

What kind of comfort, leading, or direction do you need in order to look at your anger + the emotions underneath? What practice can you try to be ready to look at the truth of what's happening for you?

Bible passages used:

Eph 4:26 Psalm 4:4 Eph 4 Romans 8:1

Check out www.desirelinepodcast.com, under the "Listen" tab to download an exercise called "Welcoming Prayer." The Welcoming Prayer is one way to TRUST Jesus in the midst of wanting these fundamental needs. It prompts us to invite (or welcome) Jesus into the parts of our lives where we crave Affection/Love; Security + Safety or Being in Power (Control).

In this episode, we focus on trauma, including definitions, how it effects us, and how it effects our brain & levels of stress. We talked about how to "ground" using your senses (what you see, taste, smell, touch, hear), and how paying attention to 3 or more of your sense can help anxiety symptoms. Neuroscience is proving now what Jesus told us: Prayer brings us healing. We reviewed PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) vs. how we respond to traumatic events in a normal way. Trauma symptoms are connected to memory, and how our brain helps us to make sense of memories. Parts of the brain tied to trauma: amygdala and hippocampus, inside of the limbic system of the brain. As we pray and meditate on scripture, we can change how our brain responds to past trauma, & reduce our stress hormones that flood our body (cortisol & adrenaline). Brandon talked about how the bible is FULL of trauma & people who experienced traumatic events. Cain & Abel, war, rape, Paul seeing many people murdered. Jesus experienced His own trauma, stress, & redemption. The Parable of the Two Sons (or the Prodigal Son), which points to us using moralism or hedonism to deal with difficult things in our lives. Check out our website: www.desirelinepodcast.com, and sign up to receive our Prayer of Examen resource, to help the transformation that comes from renewing your mind (see Romans 12:2). Twitter: @mydesireline Facebook: Desire Line Podcast Community

Part 2 of our conversation on Therapy and Transformation. How do we heal, change and grow? We begin to discuss the neuroscience (!) of the brain and prayer, how stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline affect us, and how practicing specific thinking changes how our brain functions. The more we meditate and focus on good, the more peace we feel. Scripture tells us to change the way we think. We reflect, we contemplate, we behold God's love and presence, and then we are transformed.

Two therapy theories: EMDR: Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing And CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

How much does "knowing" what's wrong (or being able to describe it) help it to improve?

Bible references: Philippians 4:8 Romans 12:2 Philippians 4:6 2 Corinthians 3:18

We have a resource to send you through email that can help you along your Desire Line: Prayer of Examen. Susette recommends that you use this if you need extra support during the next few episodes on Trauma, Anger, and Anxiety.

Head to our website: www.desirelinepodcast.com, and sign up on our email list, and we'll email you a "Prayer of Examen" card to use during prayer time, or throughout your day.

How are we transformed? How do we experience healing, peace, or freedom? How does our relationship with Jesus change as we stop doing what we've always been told, and begin to see Jesus in relationship above all else? Susette talks Therapy 101: Unconditional Positive Regard (or unconditional love), intimacy, feeling understood, confidentiality, trust in therapy space. Each host tells stories from their childhood church experiences, they talk similarities about 90's Christian culture. God's unconditional acceptance of us (love & grace that He's given us first) is what transforms us. The more you practice empathy, the more natural it becomes. This conversation will continue in Ep 2.

Resources: Brene Brown Video: http://www.susettemagana.com/single-post/2016/11/16/Practicing-Empathy

David Seamands "Healing for Damaged Emotions."

We explore what a desire line is, and how we'll use this metaphor in future episodes to speak about our real experience as Christians -- not the RIGHT way to live or think, but the way that we actually experience our relationship with Jesus, and how this relationship has changed our life.