Summer is coming to an end for our ultra-rich pals, and this descriptor now includes the Humphrey family. Yes, that Humphrey family. Move over, van der Woodsen crew! There's new sheriff in town and his name is Rufus, and things under his control are going as terribly as you can imagine. Lily needs to get her ass back to town to help with all these dang kids!

Serena is back from galavanting around the world on bar tops and ashrams with *gasp* a mystery gentleman companion. Blair and Chuck are cute as hell, but playing creepy sex games. Nate has a Ferrari...or is it a Porsche? We don't really care, but he is still hot. Diversions include a deep dive on Goop, cameos by real celebrity people who suck at acting, and legendary talent agent and microaggression extraordinaire, Bernice Fein.

Better buy that bus ticket 'cuz the limo to Greenwich is already full.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Vitamin C tried her darndest, but she could never have prepared us for THIS graduation. It's time we bid adieu to the Constance Billard-St. Jude Class of 2009. Serena declares war on Gossip Girl after she gifts all of our pals with superlatives that really weren't that bad? We're still confused as to why this, of all acts, is what sends Serena over the edge. 

Meanwhile, Chuck continues to run away from Blair's loving embrace. Our girl is tough, but how much more can she really take of this torture?! We know our hearts simply cannot do this much longer. In other news, Nate is just kind of there, but he is hot and Dan misses high school (allegedly). Go chill that bottle of Dom, Upper East Siders. '09 SO FINE forever, bayBEE!!! 

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Put that Porsche top down, cuz we are cruising down a Malibu highway! It's 1983, y'all. For some reason, the penultimate episode of season 2 is primarily dedicated to finding out why Lily is the way she is. And, you guessed it, it's because she had shitty parents and no sense of stability in her formative years! Join us as we fully immerse ourselves in a cartoon version of the 80s and help us mourn the spinoff that never was. 

In the present: prison, prom, and princesses - oh my! Will S get out of jail? Will B be Prom Queen? Will C make us cry with his (gasp) generosity and support? You'll just have to hit play to get answers to these pressing questions. 

Editor's Note: We had some recording technical difficulties, but it didn't last very long. Sorry about that, Upper East Siders! 

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Samantha James once said: "Forgiveness is more than saying sorry." Georgina, are you listening, girl? 'Cuz Samantha is right!!

G is back, and she is on an apology tour sponsored by Jesus. Blair won't accept her apologies, but she WILL accept her help in revenge conning that raggedy ol' Poppy and her geriatric-looking boyfriend! The Non-Judging Breakfast Club™ is back together and my god does it feel so good. Serena and Lily are at odds about how to deal with the Satellites O'er Africa scandal, and we know from history that this may not turn out very well...

In other news, Rufus plans to pop the question. Will Lily say yes a 5th time? Eh, who are we kidding. We don't really care. 

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Gabriel and Poppy are BACK on the Upper East Side to shake things up by taking advantage of a pathetic middle-aged former rockstar and a beautiful teenager who is not exactly known for her common sense skills. You know who does have common sense? Queen B! She's onto that shady southerner Gabriel and is on a mission to FIND HIS SECRETS. Dan's writing mentor would be so proud of her. In less important news, Nate and Chuck try to claim their territory with Blair (gross), Dan ain't gettin' into Yale (sad), and Georgina returns (ominous). And what the hell is butter, anyway?!

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Baruch Atah Ay Dios Mio! This episode is absolutely hilarious—we swear it! Serena is back from Espana, now a married teenager to a man who is at least 30 years old. Blair has, for some reason, given up on college altogether and her aspirations have pivoted to that of a junior committee member and a bridesmaid? Dan is a cater-waiter (and not a very good one). Nate is beefing (again) with the van der Bilt family. Jenny is beefing with Chuck (100% makes sense). Perhaps the rain in Spain does indeed stay mainly on the plain. Uncork the Rioja, Upper East Siders! It's time we take a siesta.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
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You are cordially invited to Jenny's Super Sweet 16 Party! Wait, this is a birthday? We had no idea because Serena didn't tell us. Serena is trying to get herself back on the map by throwing a party for Jenny, as she's been too busy being a teenager (the horror!) while Poppy Lifton has been climbing the social ladder that S left behind. Meanwhile, there's trouble in paradise for Nate and Vanessa (RIP), much to Blair's excitement. As they say in 2009, you know how that ended up for 'ol Brad and Jennifer. Good luck, V! Long live Angelina (all according to Blair). Get out those board games and a bowl of Rufus' chili slop, Upper East Siders! This one is bound to be a rager.  

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Blair's crashout is still underway, Upper East Siders. It's very entertaining to watch our very own B shed her uptight skin just a little bit, but it begs the question, Where the heck is her mother?

In other news, the van der Bilt's family reunion weekend is happening and Nate is convinced by Vanessa, Dan, and his cousin, Tripp, to attend. Grandfather finally has Nate back in his manipulative little paws again and tries to all of a sudden pretend like he is proud of him and didn't just spend half the year allowing him to live in a home without electricity and heat. SMDH. Now we pose the question: Would you choose Pierogi Tour 2009 or an internship at the NYC mayor's office? Seriously, please answer this. Nate can't make any decisions. 

In even MORE important news, Lily has slept with both Trent Reznor and Slash. Also, MAUREEN is here. Legendary all around.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Clear your calendars, Upper East Siders. We're heading to the theater! We have front row seats to the calamity that is the students of Constance Billard-St. Jude's ruining up-and-coming director, Julian's, vision of "The Age of Innocence". This would have never happened with Mary Jane Watson at the helm. Meanwhile, Ms. Carr continues to infuriate us, Rufus, and NOW even Dan. Some good news: we are pretty sure Vanessa's documentary about this hilarious process will get her into Cannes. Let's see if she can get tickets for us and a few of our closest friends (aka y'all). 

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

That ol' bat Ms. Carr is at it again, Upper East Siders! We have reached our limit with Cornflower Mary, and we kid you not, she gets worse with every scene. Someone send this predator to Rikers! In just one episode, this lady's actions got the Constance-St. Jude's Parent Council schlepping to the school on a Saturday (think about the cancelled dinner reservations, says Lily), Handsome Dan being sent away to the French countryside to be raised by that homewrecker Roman, and cell phones banned on campus. Can you believe this?! We sure can't. Text us on our contraband flip phone 'cuz we gotta take this lady down ASAP. 

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist