Just hearing the word vulnerability makes some people run for the hills. But why is it so scary? Because it feels unsafe and people think vulnerability equals a loss of power or becoming a door mat. So in an effort to hold onto the upper hand, they want the other person to go first (show me yours and I’ll show you mine!). But vulnerability is actually empowering. It is at the core of everything, and it is has nothing to do with winning or control. It also has nothing to do with oversharing, which is about validation. Vulnerability is unfiltered authenticity; not holding back what you truly feel, and sharing it.

When you open up and speak your truth, you’re vulnerable. When you share how you feel as a means of connecting with another person, you’re vulnerable. When you stop hiding and expose your flaws, you’re vulnerable. Healthy relationships can’t exist without the “v” word. When my fiancé triggers one of my negative beliefs, I have to admit all those cringy, screwed up feelings that were stirred up, which is the last thing I want to do. But we’ve both chosen to be in a healthy relationship which means opening up instead of shutting down. It’s hard and uncomfortable, but I feel so much better afterward and it brings us closer together.

When you avoid vulnerability, there is an undercurrent of what was left unsaid. It leads to sabotaging behaviors and feeling crappy. So when you’re at that crossroads, feeling you should open up but want to run for the hills, look at what you’re afraid to talk about or admit. Then ask yourself why. Is it fear of not being accepted, abandoned, appearing weak, losing control? Something in your past made you feel opening up was unsafe. You don’t need to suddenly crack wide open to practice vulnerability. Start small. Reveal parts of yourself that scare you and sit with the discomfort. Each time you open up you build that muscle.