The Dunce Caps

Rob & Chris have a long sound check, so now its an episode.

TLDR: The Shorts

Seems like Rob and Chris are stuck in Rome and Jerusalem, which is kind of apart of Rome... anyway. Vespasian is dead and his son Titus takes over Rome but gets hit with a volcano, city fire and epidemic killing thousands. Then he dies of the flu. Then the guys ask the age old question; Do you need to sleep with boys to become powerful? You know who doesn't care; Domitian, cause he follows the rules and buries virgins alive if they screw to early. But soon after his family murders him. So now Nerva becomes king but then he dies after his pool boy's wiener gets cut off and shoved in his mouth by the Roman soldiers as a message, who then elect the garbage man Tarjan! Who actually ends up being dope. Rob suddenly gets philosophical and Chris has plans for kid island...spoiler: no kids get didded. Rome takes over Parthia, but they leave cause its too hot. Titus dies, now Hadrian is ruler of Rome and he is super medium at it.

TLDR: "Are you gay right now?"

This week Rob & Chris learn about Claudius and his great victories in Britain, that he didn't actually lead cause he's to delicate. But not too delicate to marry his cousin, who eventually poisons him so Nero can be ruler of Rome...spoiler alert. Then Nero banished his mom from Rome, cuts off his wife's head and uses it as an engagement ring to marry his friends wife. But he kicked her to death and found a boy replacement instead. But people got really mad when he sang Billie Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" on his roof while Rome was burning down, so they forced him to commit suicide, but he was a pussy and needed his friends help. Then after a short old guy stint with Galba, Rome ends up with Vespasian, but he has to finishing fighting the Jews first.

TLDR: Pass The Old Bay

This week the Rob & Chris meet up with Jesus again! But this time he's rolling into town with his Apostles and ruins a poker tournament run by a bunch of Jew Wizards. Meanwhile back in Rome, Tiberius kills a bunch of people and runs off the island of "Kid" Capri, where he sings to his "Minnows" on a boat looking at his "Mermaids"... But he dies and so does Jesus. Caligula in now in charge and becomes a spider. In doing so bangs his sisters, elects his horse governor of Rome and lays eggs inside people as punishment...only one of those is fake. Finally Jesus comes back from the dead and sends a doubtful Thomas to India. While in India Thomas does magic for good ole' Gondophernes and turns him into a gentile. Also there are wizards everywhere.

TLDR: Smoke bomb!

Jordon wrote in to Rob & Chris so they did another Jordon-sode!

TLDR: hot dogging and grand standing

This week the guys are back in China with Wang Mang, this new temporary ruler of the Hans who poisoned a bunch of kids. Meanwhile the wizards are back and more disgusting than ever. Turns out they are super poor and no one appreciates their real magic. Then half of the population of China dies cause Wang Mang said it was from heaven. The people get angry and revolt as the Red Eye Brows, so they can tell each other apart... for real. And finally we learn about the origins of the great Kaplan standardized tests!

TLDR: "Who's into wizards!? Raise those hands ya freaks."

Still in Rome and it's looking like Rob and Chris will be there until the end of this book. Octavian is now sole "king" of Rome even though no one knows that cause everyone thinks he's a Hero named Augustus. So they make Augustus TIME magazine's Man of The Forever Infinity Forever guy formerly known as Octavian. Rome get 4 of Parthia's royal son's in exchange for one slave chick and ends up being ruled by a mom and son incest duo. Augustus shakes things up at the senate meetings. Wanting an heir, Augustus then starts marrying off his daughter until she meets a weird Sci-fi goth named Tiberius who ends up ruling Rome cause Augustus couldn't find anyone better before he died.

TLDR: Augustus gets bad diarrhea and gets pretty before he dies.

This week Rob & Chris are still in Rome. Caesar is dead, but his dressing and undetermined title of leader of Rome live on! Brutus wanted to throw Caesar's stabbed up dead body in the river, like the Romans have started doing. But Marc Anthony steps in with his Hispanic rhythms and takes over. First decree, funeral party for Caesar's body! But then there is a riot. After, Octavian comes home to avenge his (technically not) dad, Caesar, and rule Rome in his place. Like all great (not technically) son's, he follows in his dad's footsteps and creates a second Triumvirate with Marc Anthony and his dinky friend Lepidus. But like all the Triumvirates before them (only been one before them), it fails. Marc Anthony gets sucked dry by Cleopatra and kills himself like a shitty samurai. Lepidus gets sentenced to a lifetime of house arrest, and Octavian keeps the (not technically) family business alive... for now.

TLDR: More Marc Anthony talk.

This week the guys pick up where they left off in Rome with Trifecta-Team or whatever is still in charge. Caesar accidentally finds England (pre Big Ben) Crassus's beheaded, head gets used as a prop in a Parthian play. Pompey gets his head cut off by a bunch of Egyptian birthday booze cruise employees. And Caesar gets stabbed a lot, but shittily, and slowly; HOWEVER HIS DRESSING LIVES ON AND TOTES BANGED CLEOPATRA! ASK SCOTT.

TLDR: Deputy of Rome & Ex-husband of JLo; Marc Anthony!

This week Rob & Chris learn about the first wrestling Triumvirate, with Pompey, Crassus and Caesar! Also a bunch of gladiators escape and almost over thrown Rome, but they tricked by a bunch of pirates, when really Spartacus just wants to go home. After the Triumvirate take the Roman belt in the ring, Caesar begins his dressing empire!

TLDR: "That's my kind of salad."