Matthew Jarvis 20:16 – “So the last shall be first, and the first last.” 

In this episode, we turn things on their head 🙃. We’re picking the worst players to notch up at least 100 Premier League appearances – that’s right, the aim of this draft is to lose. 🫣

Sure, if you’ve played 100 times in the EPL, you’re probably half-decent… but some of these lads were still pretty damn rubbish. 🗑️⚽

🎧 Tune in to find out who out of Alistair and Johnny assembled the em… rubbish-est.

📚 Episode 44 is here!

This week, we’re diving into The Soccer War by Ryszard Kapuściński 🇵🇱 — the legendary Polish reporter, a writer who happened to be a journalist (in his own words) and a man who played fast and loose with the truth, it seems.

⚔️ The book centres on the 1969 war between Central American neighbours El Salvador 🇸🇻 and Honduras 🇭🇳 — a conflict that lasted just four days, but claimed thousands of lives, with most of the victims being civilians.

There may be a bit more war than soccer in this— and not just in Central America. From despots to desks, Kapuściński takes no prisoners. There’s also a surprise appearance by the lesser known author, Ted Stoves.

🎙️ Tune in to find out:

How do you follow a 5-time Ballon D’or winner? Well, with an 8-time Ballon D’or Winner of course. That’s right, its Part II of the Guillem Balague GOAT saga and our review of his biography of one Lionel Messi.

Originally published in 2013 but updated for the Argentina World Cup win in 2022, the book is a long one, covering the descent from heaven of the baby Messi to the unassuming city of Rosario, tucked away on the Rio Paraná, a few hundred miles inland from Buenos Aires.

With interviews from various people who touched the hem of his garment along the way, the book very extensively covers how Messi touched the lives of the earthlings who had the privilege of sharing the planet with him. The book also includes references to El Diablo, Cristiano Ronaldo, with a sterling supporting role from arch bean-counter, Jorge Messi. And of course, Messi’s grandmother. 

As of some day last week, we were just two spots below Balague in the football podcast charts so please do have a listen and give us the chance of leapfrogging the Messi hagiographer. And if you like it, well please do like it…

It’s our 28th episode and we are starting the new year with the first part of the Balague GOAT saga. First up is his award-winning biography of Cristiano Ronaldo.

This player certainly needs no introduction but if you insist then 5 Champions League wins, 5 Ballons D’or, and seven straight calendar years in which he scored more than 50 goals will surely suffice.

We had initially planned to read Balague’s Messi biography first, but when we learned we had 7 days to get through its 796 pages, we pivoted and decided instead to read the mere 384 pages he wrote on his sworn enemy instead. But worry not dear listener, for Messi is up next (assuming we can finish it in time…).

Happy New Year folks. Please do listen, like and subscribe.

⚽ Injury Time 13: The Steve McMahon Windscreens Shield – a Wrong ’Uns draft ⚽

OUT NOW! 🎧

What makes a wrong ’un?

Cheating on your wife? ❌ Not necessarily.

Cheating on your wife for eight years… with your sister-in-law? ✅ That probably qualifies.

It’s hard to define, but you know one when you see one.

In Injury Time 13, we each draft our Top 5 Wrong ’Uns to go head-to-head — elbow-to-face — with Artificial Intelligence running the match simulation and delivering an unimpeachable result.

🏆 Is Joey Barton – the crème de la crème of the wrong ’un trade – actually good enough to make either team?

🤏 Has Dennis Wise been picked to pinch the hands of opponents as he hauls them off the turf?

👟 Will Michael Brown get his chance to leave stud marks where they hurt most?

Listen now to find out… and prepare for 5-a-side at its most petty, cynical, and gloriously spiteful.

🎙️ Episode 43 of the Dynamo Football Bookclub is out!

💆‍♂️ Massage parlour, 💅 beauty parlour… Ray Parlour.

That’s right — it’s only Ray Parlour’s autobiography, The Romford Pelé! 📖⚽

Fun fact: Parlour has played in the Premier League for Arsenal more times than any other player 🔴⚪  He’s also a cheeky chappie who stole potted plants 🪴, terrorised poor old Martin Keown, and torpedoed his own England career 🌪️ by failing to understand the importance of faith healing.

It’s Episode 43 of the 🎧 Dynamo Football Bookclub, and we’re diving into the book of the Parlour who brought the 😂light relief to those legendary Arsenal squads of the late ’90s and early ’00s 🏆👊.

🎧 Episode 12 of Injury Time is here! 🎙️

It’s the Great African Draft Showdown — Johnny’s Danny Invincible 11s take on Alistair’s Orlando Pirates in a five-a-side battle to determine who really knows their African football EPL legends. 🇿🇦⚽🇪🇬🇨🇲

Our hosts pick their best five-a-side teams of African Premier League players and AI tells us who’d win.

With 33 of Africa’s 54 nations represented in the Premier League to date, the talent pool is deep… but that doesn’t mean it was easy, some positions are stacked (hello, strikers 😅), others… not so much (goalkeeper, anyone? 🧤).

Check out and let us know who you think were the most under-rated African players to play in the EPL. We’d love to hear from you.

🎙️ Episode 42 is LIVE!

📘 The Feet of the Chameleon – The Story of African Football by Ian Hawkey

⚽️🌍 An epic journey through the past, present & power of African football.

In this episode of the Dynamo Football Bookclub, we explore the rich, complex and utterly compelling story of football across Africa’s 54 nations 🇿🇲🇪🇬🇸🇳🇨🇲.

🦁 From apartheid-era pitches in South Africa…

🎯 To Cameroon’s unlikely rise as a footballing powerhouse 🇨🇲

🛑 And that unforgettable moment when a Zaire defender booted the ball away before Brazil’s free-kick in ‘74 🤯

Hawkey's book covers it all and more again. 

🎧 Tune in now and take a trip across the continent with us.

Having passed out Crouchie in the podcast charts a couple of weeks ago, we've decided to tackle more giants of the game 🤖

In Injury Time 11 🎙️ we tackle a question that’s baffled football fans for years: who are the greatest players standing at 6′5″ and above? 🏰

⚽ Have there been any genuinely decent towering strikers beyond the aforementioned Peter Crouch ?

🛡️ Is Per Mertesacker really the best colossal centre-back we’ve ever seen?

🤔 And why on earth are there almost no giant midfielders?

Tune in and find out whether Al can make up more of the ground he has lost to Johnny in our draft series 🚀

In Episode 41, we move beyond biographies and autobiographies for the first time and into the wonderful world of the language of football with Do You Speak Football by Tom Williams. 

In his book, Williams takes us, Palinesque, on a tour of the world explaining how football is spoken about by fans everywhere.

If you would like to find out where a defensive midfielder is known as a faecal plug, what To Zlatan means in French, or what sunshine and piano football means in South Africa, this is the episode for you. 

Please do like and subscribe.