The Grapple

Australia bloods more bats.. England phones it in

Vlandys struggles to put the entire NRL playing group in the bin

The Wallabies are a game away from rugbys greatest sin

AND the CELTIC COUNTRIES CAUS CHAOS with dramatic last minute wins

Alllll happening in the world of sport and our heroes are padded up and ready to take on the new ball, unlike the poms, who’ve played less cricket than the SCG gets every rained out summer in the build up to the ashes. 

Peter V’Landys continues to derive inspiration from Eastern politics as he carves out an even deeper divide between the NRL and the rest of the sporting world, while the wallabies need to work out how to be less Herschelle Gibbs and more Steve Waugh under the high ball, once they catch their collective breaths from a test schedule clearly inspired by the summer routine of a Guantanamo Bay prisoner. 

Meantime, the sporting purity of Ireland and Scotlands gargantuan leap into the FIFA World Cup reminds us all of what really matters. Kicks from halfway over a 10 year ban any day of the week. 

Live. Laugh. Grapple. 

Andrew and Peter challenge the Klingons for total interstellar rule

Crawleys crying that Kev leaving out the Emus is cruel…

The Wallabies slip to seventh but do not despair

While Josh Giddey now sits in Rarified 

This week Grapplers call for action on the NRL. The only consistent is the inconsistency and hypocrisy.

Andrew and Poiter are giving  off a “Bond Villain” like vibe…… absolutely hell bent on global, nay universal domination.

Next story will be NRL HQ has relocated to a hollowed out volcano containing sharks with fricken laser beams…….

In other news it seems  the independent doctors at the PAC nations got their degrees from the same cornflake box Poiter reckons R360 originated from. #prayersforeli

Kevvie comes under fire for selecting his strongest 17 for an Ashes Tets  - only in a Rugby League!  #everyonegetsacar 

And the Wallabies are on the precipice of having to deal with a top 6 team in the group stages of RWC. #playJAS15

As the mercury rises in the southern hemisphere the grappling gets real. 

It’s chaos as always as the rugby logo moidia dishes up the same number of shoddy headlines, only with less personnel on the tools. Our heroes call into question some of the analytical reads read out by B. Read to millions of mainstream readers. Short version: they stink.

Assistant coaches are moving and shaking, rugby league is trying to dine out on the English Super League, as the English team deals with the apparent anxiety and stress of what their own coach described poor buildup to a first test fizzle. As one coach spouts the doldrums, across hemispheres another takes a Fifita sized gamble at the Rabbitohs offer a lifeline to the much maligned Lou Ferrigno doppleganger. 

The wallabies need serious work and international windows are seemingly sealed against Australian prosperity. Bring them all in whenever they’re available says we. 

And we can deal with a crash back to earth from our usually all conquering women’s cricket team. A World Cup semi final defeat with 338 on the board batting first doesn’t impact the belief this team remains our country’s best across all codes and comers. Besides, winning in front of a packed Indian home crowd is a treacherous prospect. Spare a thought for the 2 NRL teams who might just end up playing a season opener there if Peter ‘Napoleon’ Vlandys gets his way. 

Life is for staring down 10 year bans, seeking releases, Pappling, and Grappling.

Declare it to be dug, 

It shalt be dugeth 

Because life will always be a grapple 

The sun rises on an all new ashes series

The Kangaroos team has raised a couple of vexing queries

Our women’s cricket team continues in their merry way

The Wallabies, the NFL, The NBA and Shohei Otahn-ey

Our heroes assess international eligibility and the role of the Kangaroos assistant coach who calls himself a Bull and confronts many targets of his media crosshairs ahead of the Rugby League Ashes. Perhaps a more credentialed and active coaching appointment might have made sense?

Meantime.. the buildup to Crickets Ashes- the actual and only Ashes- continues, but buildup attention turns to Australia's all conquering womens team. Are they the best womens team across any sport, including our all conquering Diamonds? Yes.

Amid it all.. the Grapplers are grappling with a swearing ban, and might still let a few slip, not unlike Ange Postecoglou when he lost a job inside 40 days. Like Ange though, the swears will never really go away. Unlike him, they wont likely win us any trophies though.

DIG IT.

The Slightest Sniff of Context

In the off season you think there’s nothing to do

Why not stay up late and watch the Kangroos

Whilst we can always rely on a scandal to keep things spicey

Just don’t listen to the media… they info can always a tad 

The N and L have been removed as prefixes to 360 and this new mob have deeper pockets than Long John Silver. But PVL is his winsome had gone all Don Corleone on players and agents who choose to “ go against the family. Lomax, Papi and Payno will be checking their beds for horses heads. 

The Roos are clashing for the ashes and the Wallabies have a new 10….. another one….. mad Marky Mark still has his Wallabies carry on. 

Craig may be giving Hannay a Bellyache but as always the story often gets in the way of truth. Truth seekers honour keepers.

Life is definitely a Grapple this week 

We will fly way up high

Where the cold wind blows

The Wallabies leave their worst til last

And you will free the beautiful bird

That's caught inside your heart

Oscar Piastri falls afoul of the favourite child at McLaren

And that's the way it's gonna be, little darling

We'll be riding on the horses yeah, yeah

Noone's talking about it, but we will. For the majority of the episode if you don't mind.

Forget about Melbourne's inexplicable stage fright, sponsorship nuances for the Dolphins because of a crosstown rivals latest explosion, the worst dressed boss in world sport, Wallaby fizzlesd and formula 1's worst ever bro-feud. Forget about all of it.

Because the Brisbane Broncos and Reece Walsh. That is all.

DIG IT.

Talty Must be salty after missing the big dance

As Teddy plays it steady with a season ending romance

The Bledisloe heads West to the land of the bears

As the AFL bounces the bounce.. amidst officiating safety fears

As one of our heroes is this week in the throes of impending ecstasy as Grand Final week descends, the other laments what a 4-0 Colts would have looked like if not for AD Mitchell pulling an old school TO against the Rams. If you know you know.

The Broncos bear the pressure of the Lions cracking win and the Storm feel the load of being in a Grand Final…… and very second bloody year!

Unpacked is Cleary’s final word on the season 25, The Sharks falling short yet again, Nawanquintawase hitting the mark with hi call heading back to Rah Rah and speaking of Rah Rah, the guys who stolen their name from Braith and Buzz’s nightly Dutch Rudder, R360 propose a clandestine raid on Australia Oval ball experts.

Where to next PVL? Who will he ban to maintain the, forever under attack, integrity of Rugba Leg?

Players?

Agents?

Jimmy Kimmel?

Only time will tell.

Lets Broncos and Melbourne can get Thunderstrucked for all Joely cares.

The tips are in, balls have been placed on the line as our great game reaches it crescendo.

Will Munster be the conductor?

Will Walsh slurp from the spit in the sax?

Will Ezra blow on the woodwind or will Payne tackle the Brass?

It’s a Graptacular this week boys and girls, so Keep Calm and Grapple

Stage is set, and we’re gunna go right over the top..

with Cliches, claims and predictions that are gunna be hard to cop.

Don't despair, don't lose hope there’ll be smatterings of intelligent chat

But its the Grapple Baby and its finals…and that is mutha fuckin that

This week our heroes wax lyrical about the Rugby League Worlds very own T1000…Penrith can't be bargained with, they can’t be reasoned with. they don't feel pity, remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop... ever, until you are dead!

Can they get past the Prodigal Ponies on Sunday in a triumphant return to arvo finals footy? Most likely not as Madge will no doubt make some eyebrow raising, boneheaded, flummoxing selection changes when he should simply abide by the age old Rugby League adage-“too many hamstrings spoil the broth”.

Melbourne with the likely return of the Diver and little Papi seem certain to book a spot at the dance for 47th time under Bellyaches rein of terror, but standing in their way are a bunch of teeth bearing Selachimorpha, playing at a level and with a patience seldom seen in the genus since 2016. Two GF replays from the last decade. Prelim weekend never gets any better.

Speaking of species specific encounters, the felines take centre stage at the G on Saturday.

One mob hoping to slink through, scratch a post or two, piss on someone's jacket and settle down to a plate of Whiskas whilst paying no one any attention. Another looking to tear their way through a jungle, rip to shreds anything that dares to make contact and create a dynasty of the early 2000’s variety. Our heroes never doubted them.

Wallabies to bury the AB’s at Eden Park, Europe to go B2B in the Ryder Cup and as we’ve known for at least 3 weeks now, The Colts are gunna win the Super Bowl.

No Broader problem but definitely plenty of Grappling to be done, just like Buzz Grappling with who his next faux feud needs to be with.

Hey Liver Lips.... Come Get some.

Grapple out.

As things in the NRL start heat up in the finals, one Rooster looks like he could be on the rotisserie ready to be bagged up and left in a warmer at your Coles Local for a much longer time than the health department recommends.

And as that Rooster rapidly bakes up a near lethal dose of footy salmonella, an equally pungent stench descends upon the crimson and myrtle of Redfern and our heroes tackle the biggest question in sports today-

Will Wayne cut the cheese?

Speaking of things that stink, Ashley Klown lives to leave an odour on another final, we unpack how the Raiders followed through in the last 20 minutes and the MRC, Judiciary and pretty much the whole NRL cop a well earned crop dusting of verbal, grapplised Flatulence .

Never ones to shy away from toilet humour and characterise the once proud NRL as mere Banther Fodder.

Stay calm, keep Grappling and watch out for Mynocks.

Sometimes you need to make up or invoke far fetched hollywood movie plots or fairytales to try and translate some of the NRL's decision making; and in the case of the backflip on a would be Nicho Hynes finals missing hip drop charge, look no further than the 1999 Crime Thriller 'Double Jeopardy;' with Tommy Lee Jones and Ashley Judd basically explaining why a hip drop that's already been charged cant be charged twice, or in this case wasnt actually a hip drop in the first place. Don't worry, the movie didnt make a lot of sense either.

It is finals time and our heroes reckon the Suns will scorch the fur off the Lions back at the Gabba, while the ultimate prize will be realised at the end of a Snoop Dogg inspired All-Victorian GF.

The Wallabies will be without a veteran Nudgee College old boy for the Bledisloe and we think that's a bit average. So, James O'Connor, please tell Leicester to eat a big bowl of No Flakes and suit up, after you help dismantle the Pumas again and claim an unlikely rugby championship of course. Same to you Will Skelton, at 2 metres and change tall surely you can stand up/over your bosses at La Rochelle? We're busy trying to build an army like Rassie Erasmus did with the Springboks, only our will be better,

NRL finals tips are locked in and thousands of timelines and permutations analysed. Beautiful minds come together as algorithms and calculations are written in white pen on windows overlooking the Princeton forecourt, and Ed Harris torments us with his supposedly non existent CIA agent. And like the imaginary little girl in that movie, the concept of the Panthers doing it all again NEVER GETS OLD.

Life = Grapple x 100000000 + Digging it