The Great Man Within

#162:

When was the last time you inspected your information diet?

As we stand on the precipice of a sure-to-be-polarizing 10 weeks leading up to the US Presidential Election (shout out to my international readers who get to bypass this circus)…

…against the backdrop of a global pandemic, no less…

…it's now more important than ever to inspect the information you're consuming, both the quantity and quality.

If you're like most people, the #1 way you ingest your information diet is through your phone.

Which is why in today's podcast I talk about 3 Strategies to Break Bad Cell Phone Habits:

1. Quantify Your Cell Phone Usage

Most people underestimate the amount of time they spend on their phones by 50%. If that's the case for you, you're likely over-consuming information.

To break that pattern, you need to know the following 3 metrics:

• How many times a day you check your phone
• How much screen time you spend on your phone
• What time(s) of the day you spend the most time on your screen

If you're an iPhone user, I recommend downloading Moment app.

If you're on Android, go with Quality Time.

1. Turn Off Your Notifications

Every time your phone rings, pings, buzzes and flashes…

…signifying "breaking news"…

…notifying you of someone liking your post…

…the 20% Pottery Barn coupon email…

You're ingesting low-quality information that distracts you from living a life of intention and focus.

1. Replace Your Phone as Your Alarm Clock

Some studies have shown the simple act of removing your cell phone from the bedroom can reduce your screen time by up to 50%.

Think about it: if you're not laying in bed at night doing the endless scroll, or diving into your phone as soon as the alarm goes off in the morning…you can end up saving yourself a lot of time.

All of these are important strategies not only for breaking bad cell phone habits, but also for helping you upgrade your information diet.

Trust me, in 10 weeks, you'll be able to tell the difference between those who have, and those who haven't.

I know which one I'll be.

-DQ

#161:

I see so many good men sacrificing their potential greatness in the name of safety.

All too often, the line in the sand between living a life of "Good" and living a life of Great is your willingness to transcend that which is safe.

Make no mistake, the world can use more good men.

But you're not reading this email because you're interested in good.

You're here because you demand greatness of yourself.

In today's episode, you and I are having a frank conversation about stepping out of safety…

…and into your greatness.

-DQ

#160:

In a former life, I identified as a sex addict.

While that version of me seems like a foreign person to me now, he's most certainly and will always be a meaningful part of my life story.

I'm grateful for those 4 years I journeyed through sex addicts anonymous…a quest that quite literally gave me a brand new lease on life.

What I've found in sharing my story with regular guys, is that many of trials and tribulations resonate in deeply personal ways with them.

So today, I decided to dust off my old box of sex addicts anonymous materials – my books, my journals, my affirmations – as a reminder to see how far I've come…

…but also to share 5 lessons that regular men can benefit from when looking to upgrade the quality of their sex life.

#1. PARENTS: Your parents' attitude towards sex have a much bigger effect on your sex life than you realize.

#2. BELIEFS & EXPECTATIONS: Your uninspected beliefs and expectations that you bring to sex (or your own sexuality) can often lead to underwhelming experiences, miscommunication with partners and sexual self-loathing.

#3. PATTERNED RESPONSES: You likely have a series of unconscious patterned responses to life conditions that either trigger your best or worst sexual behaviors.

#4. SECRET SELF: You may have unconsciously created a secret self – a walled off version of your sex life that excites you, but that you're afraid to communicate for fear of judgment or rejection.

#5. DEFINING HEALTHY SEXUALITY: You'd be well-served to dedicate thoughtful time and intentionality to defining the elements that contribute to a healthy and vibrant sex life (with your partner, with porn, with yourself).

In today's episode, Bryan helps me unpack my big box of sex addiction materials, digging for lessons and insights that you guys can benefit from.

Resources:

Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adams A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps by Patrick Carnes

#159: One of the surefire ways to sabotage your performance (and overall well-being) is to be inept at establishing and maintaining powerful boundaries.

As Dr. Henry Cloud says in his book Boundaries: When to Say, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life:

"Boundaries help define your soul, and they help you to guard it and maintain it."

If you're not into "soul" talk, boundaries also help you define:

• What you say yes, and what you say no to
• What you stand for
• What allows you to live your Great Man more often

In Boundaries, Dr. Cloud outlines 9 reasons why we fail to establish or enforce powerful boundaries:

1. Fear of hurting the other person's feelings
2. Fear of abandonment and separateness
3. A wish to be totally dependent on another
4. Fear of someone else's anger
5. Fear of punishment
6. Fear of being shamed
7. Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
8. Fear of being unspiritual
9. Fear of one's over-strict, over-critical conscience

In today's episode of The Great Man Within Podcast, I share about:

• My own struggles with establishing boundaries (as a recovering people-pleaser)
• Why fear #1 above allowed others to take advantage of me
• Why fears #4 and #6 keep you from speaking your truth, and why you'll hate yourself for it
• How to navigate through the uncomfortable process of authoring, communicating and enforcing boundaries that keep you living On Purpose

-DQ

#158:

"From a very early age, men learn that performance is the only thing that matters."

– Dr. Michael Addis

So what happens to a man's inner world when he isn't performing?

As it turns out, it's quite a bit of a mystery…not only to the outside world, but to the man himself.

Living a life where performance is the only metric, it doesn't leave a lot of space for inner exploration, developing emotional fluency or going deep with other men about their inner lives.

Living a life this way leads to a variety of maladies, like:

• Chronic anxiety (both low and high grade)
• Depression
• Numbed out existence
• Compulsive or addictive behaviors
• Feeling isolated, alone or not understood
• Or at the very least, feeling confused about why your life doesn't feel better

Fellas, we've all experienced some form of what I just mentioned…but even when we recognize it, we typically keep on plowing ahead…on our own…living that life of quiet desperation…until something breaks so badly that we're forced to do something about it.

But if you're waiting for a calamity to hit you before taking meaningful action in your life, then how in command of your life are you really?

Today's conversation is about making the space to speak about the unspoken realities of men's inner worlds…

…so we can live powerful lives of our own design, on purpose and with other men doing the same.

Our guide for the discussion today is Dr. Michael Addis.

Who is Dr. Addis?

• Addis is a Professor of Psychology at Clark University where's he's been teaching a course in mental health for over 20 years
• His research focuses on men's mental health, specifically the way men experience, express and respond to problems in their lives…as well as how men define and relate to the concept of masculinity
• He's a multiple time author, with books such as Invisible Men: Men's Inner Lives and the Consequences of Silence and The Psychology of Men in Context
• He's also a coach to men who want to optimize their inner worlds, and I've linked his email in the show notes

In this Episode

• Why most men really do want to talk about their inner worlds…but the conditions for doing so need to be right (and how to create those conditions)
• Why masculinity is not something inherent or born with, rather it's become this performance – a series of actions men take to protect and maintain their man card
• Why the larger the group of men, the more likely "masculinity as a performance" will emerge between men
• How to look out for "Masculinity Traps" – which are those places where men going into performance, jockeying and competition
• The two most dangerous words that can leave a man's mouth when you ask him how he's doing
• Two options Dr Addis proposes to reclaim and define what masculinity means to you

Resources Referenced by Dr. Addis

The Mask You Live In Documentary

Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies: https://www.abct.org/Home/

Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders: https://www.bu.edu/card/

Contact Dr. Addis for Personal Coaching

Email: [email protected]

#157: "Brules" can sabotage your life.

In Vishen Lakhiani's book Code of the Extraordinary Mind, he introduces the concept of Brules (bullshit rules).

Brules are unconsciously chosen and untrue beliefs that govern your life, often at the expense of living your Purpose.

Here are 4 Brules I see governing many men's lives:

1. I can only feel joy/meaning/successful when I've achieved the thing I want.

Too many men hinge their entire identity and well-beings upon the accomplishment of something outside of themselves. In that pursuit, all the other successes along the way are unmetabolized and under-appreciated. A man like this cannot live Purpose, as he's constantly focused on what he does not have…versus loving what he does, while building something bigger.

1. Struggle, pain and grind are the primary avenues to getting what I want.

Of course struggle, pain and grind are part of any meaningful journey. But if they are the predominant feelings of your journey, you're doing it wrong. Living purpose is energizing and meaningful. It's supposed to feel good. If you believe that struggle and grind are primary indicators that you're on the path to purpose, then expect a lifetime of struggle and grind in your future.

1. I'll be happy when __________.

Jim Carey famously said "I hope everybody can get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know it's not the answer." If you train yourself to be unsatisfied with every day you don't have that thing you want, then by the time you get that thing you want, your years/decades of "unsatisfaction training" will cause you to be unsatisfied with that thing quite quickly.

1. When I'm not "doing," I'm being lazy.

I see a whole bunch of men running around doing all sorts of trivial stuff that have little relevance to their purpose or Great Man Within, in response to fear that they are inherently lazy if they are not constantly in motion. I personally do not trust a man who is constantly in motion, for he has spent little time truly reflecting on what's important in life. A wise man knows when to do and when not to do with conviction.

Principles are the antidote to Brules. Principles are:

• Consciously chosen beliefs that guide your life
• Anti-Drift devices
• Empowered decisions that eliminate thousands of future decisions

I give you a roadmap on how to create your own guiding Principles in my book On Purpose Leadership. You can download the first chapter for free here.

In today's episode I share stories from my life and from the men in The Great Man Mastermind about how we've been sabotaged by these 4 BS beliefs, and how we are designing Principles to empower our lives.

-DQ

#156: Great leaders adapt first.

Unfortunately, too many leaders are trying to fit the square peg of their "non-pandemic era" leadership into the round hole of the present moment.

And it isn't working.

That's why I'm seeing leaders burning out, frustrated or at the very least…not fully engaged in their work or life.

When this happens, the businesses, communities and families you lead suffer.

To get you back on track, I propose 3 new leadership rules for the pandemic era:

1. Master the Art of Leading Yourself First, Before Leading Others - The most responsible thing you can do right now, is to focus on showing up the 100% best version of yourself - Instead of using your energy to get others to change – nearly always an exercise in futility – use your energy to upgrade where you've been drifting
2. When the Future is Uncertain, Build Trust in the Now - Instead of giving all of your energy to fretting over the unknown of the future, focus your attention on winning each day, each moment, in the present - Your routines and rituals – like morning routines, evening routines, working out, mindfulness practices – are essential to connecting with your inner stability - When you can build trust in the power of now, the people you lead will feel it and follow suit
3. Stop Waiting and Start Leading - Too many people are stuck in a holding pattern waiting for someone to tell them what to do - Great leaders adapt first. - It's time for you to lead, make decisive actions and build a better normal so we can all get back on our feet faster

In this episode, we drill down into each of these categories, and I'll be sharing examples from my clients lives…as well as my own life in running my own business, this podcast and The Great Man Mastermind.

Oh and today we have a very special guest joining Bryan and I for her very first appearance on this podcast – or any podcast for that matter – my chief operating officer Kalli Simon.

Kalli started as a full time employee with me back in February of this year, and she'll share with you how we're applying these 3 rules to the operation of our business today, tomorrow and the many years into the future.

Resources

Download the 1st Chapter of my new book On Purpose Leadership for FREE at www.DoInnerWork.com/resources

#155: Beware the man

who does not surround himself with other men

who can tell him the Truth,

about how he's showing up in life.

A man who is unwilling to actively solicit the Truth,

is afraid of seeking said Truth

for fear of what he may find.

I know this,

because I once was this man.

A man courageous enough

to seek Truth

about how he shows up in life,

is a man who…

…can be trusted.

…others look to for Leadership.

…lives a life On Purpose.

Here are 5 questions you can ask of the men in your life who can tell you the Truth:

1. Who am I, when I'm at my best?
2. Where in my life am I playing small?
3. What would you count on me for?
4. What wouldn't you count on me for?
5. Do I have a blind spot you can help me to see?

In today's episode, I share stories of two men in my life (my friend Cory Muscara and my coach David Waldas) who helped me see Truth when I needed it.

-Dominick

PS – Download the first chapter of my book – On Purpose Leadership – for free at www.DoInnerWork.com/Resources

#154: A powerful evening routine facilitates:

1. Mentally/emotionally winding down from the day
2. Regularly getting the proper amount of sleep
3. Waking up the next day feeling refreshed

And yet for most of us, the reality is…how we end most of our days sabotages our ability to start the next one with power, purpose and confidence.

In On Purpose Leadership, I write about the importance of establishing practices like designing your own morning and evening routines so you can live and lead On Purpose in the 16, 17 and 18 waking hours in between.

Today we're unpacking a chapter in the book dedicated to designing your evening routine so you can avoid drift, end each day with intentionality and wake up the next day On Purpose.

In This Episode:

• 3 benefits of having an intentionally designed evening routine
• 6 self-reflective questions to determine whether your evening routine is sabotaging you
• 3 stages of a powerful evening routine
• 5 of the best sleep tools

5 Sleep Resources:

The Calm App

Swanwick Blue Light Blocking Glasses

Gravity Blanket

Oura Ring

ChiliPad

#153:

As I sat down to type this, it dawned on me that I haven't met a guy who's not watching enough porn. (If you are out there, sir, identify yourself!)

But alas, this is not a porn shaming conversation.

Quite the opposite.

I come to you with the intent of helping you develop a healthy, conscious and intentional relationship with porn.

So let's start with answering one of the most common questions I get from men:

How Do I Know If I'm Watching Too Much Porn?

I'm a believer that porn, when incorporated in a conscious, ethical and intentional way, can bring incredible dynamism to your relationship with your own sexuality…as well as your interpersonal love life.

The problem is, most guys consume porn the way subway rats scavenge for crumbs: indiscriminately.

Over years and decades of indiscriminate porn use, you will inevitably build some bad, secretive and even shameful habits.

Those typically show up in a variety of ways.

Here are 5 of the most common:

1. You fantasize about porn while having sex.
   • Scenes pop into your head while you're in the act.
   • You can't get aroused or finish without it.
   • You're disengaged from your partner because you're caught up in the fantasy.

1. You feel shame afterwards (or yucky, regretful or empty)

1. You're needing increasingly more extreme porn to get you off.
   • Think back 1 or 2 years ago…what got you off back then? How much more extreme does what you're watching now need to be in order to get the same effect?

1. Real human bodies don't "do it" for you anymore.
   • Your partner's real body is unappealing to you…you need "porn bodies."
   • You feel shame about your own body as compared to what you see in porn.

1. You can't stop.
   • Maybe you've wanted to stop to focus on intimacy with your partner…but can't seem to hold on for long.
   • Perhaps you make a commitment to stop and find yourself back in the trough again before you wanted to.
   • These are indicators that porn is more deeply embedded into your patterned behavior than you'd want it to be.

Today's episode of The Great Man Within Podcast is an honest, practical and compassionate discussion on how to bring intentionality and consciousness (and choice!) back into your relationship with porn.

Also in this episode:

• Two ethical porn site recommendations (one where women choose their sexual acts and sex partners)
• One book recommendation
• 3 questions to ask your friends about porn (great for men's group discussions)

-DQ

PS, when you're done with this episode, don't forget to check out these next:

• Lisa Ann, Backstage with the Top 10 Porn Star (what the porn industry doesn't want you to know)
• How to Last Longer in Bed: 5 Practices

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Book: Ethical Porn for Dicks by Dr David Ley

Ethical porn sites:

www.Lustery.com – homemade porn

www.Bellesa.com – women choose the porn scenarios and partners

3 questions to ask your male friends:

1. What adjectives would you use to describe your porn habits?
2. Do you think you could stop using porn without suffering…and if so, for how long?
3. What would a healthy relationship with porn feel like for you?