The Great Man Within

#182:

Many men, myself included, learn to stop feeling our emotions at an early age.

So what happens?

We subsequently build an over-dependence on our minds.

Thinking…analyzing…strategizing…calculating…

And our minds can get LOUD, can't they?

So loud sometimes you can't hear anything else – like your instinct, intuition or even your heart. Especially your heart.

Your mind can start to feel like a bunch of wild horses pulling you in a million different directions, leaving you bruised, battered, exhausted…

…and perhaps worst of all, feeling controlled by your mind, versus you being in command of it.

Can you relate to that on any level?

Napoleon Hill, who's one of my heroes, wrote volumes on the necessity of training your mind and directing your thoughts to create a life you're thrilled to live.

Training your mind takes practice…it doesn't happen on its own.

A Great Man makes that commitment to training his mind, so he can build a life he loves.

So today, we're diving into a mindfulness discussion specifically focused on men, with one of my most trusted meditation advisors – and friends – Mark Melvin.

Who Is Mark Melvin

• Mark is a corporate attorney by trade and a yoga, meditation and breathwork instructor at heart
• He's also a Masters student in Clinical Mental Health Studies
• He found yoga and meditation after he grew tired of binge drinking, isolating and feeling uncomfortable in intimate relationships
• Mark is one of the anchors in the Great Man Mastermind, and he's our resident expert when it comes to all things mindfulness

In This Episode

• Mark breaks down the common resistance points men have to meditating
• Why and how we become indentured servants to our minds
• How meditation is essential in helping you create a new future
• "One of the most important assets you can have in life today is the ability to focus your mental energy."
• Why "working out" is not your meditation
• A mindfulness practice for business
• 2 breathwork practices for focus and destressing

Mark's Contact:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/markamelvin Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/markamelvin Email: [email protected]

Join the Facebook Group for Men https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheGreatManWithin

#181:

When it comes to anger, I find that men often react in one of two ways:

1. Explode
2. Suppress

The men who explode leave a path of external destruction in their wake.

The men who suppress leave a path of inner destruction in their wake.

Anger is a complex emotion that takes effort to understand and dedication to harness effectively.

Anger gives you powerful clues as to:

• When a boundary has been crossed
• When a value has been impeded

Learning how to harness anger is an extraordinary skill in becoming a more trustworthy and effective leader.

But allowing unprocessed anger to fester can lead to potential explosions (of both internal and external sorts).

In today's episode, I share with you the #1 most important thing you need to cultivate in order to resolve the anger, bitterness and resentment you may be carrying in your life.

-DQ

#180:

In the dead of night, when his family is asleep a father is crippled with loneliness.

Among a group of friends, a straight man fears saying something that may get him called gay.

Around the world, each minute, a man commits suicide.

These are some of the many undiscussed mental health issues that plague men – and the people who love them – unnecessarily.

As we are now officially in Movember – a month dedicated to focusing on men's mental health issues – we've brought back a popular guest – a doctor of Integrative Men's Health – who came on the show way back when the pandemic was just starting to take hold: Dr. Myles Spar.

Who is Dr. Myles Spar?

• Dr. Spar is a medical doctor focused on Integrative Men's Health
• His first time on the podcast he came to discuss optimal men's health – fitness, nutrition, hormone balance and of course, dick stuff
• He is the Chief Medical Officer of Vault Health, a men's health company providing at home services focused on sex, body and brain health
• Vault was actually the first FDA approved at home COVID test
• He is the author of Optimal Men's Health and Dr. Andrew Weill wrote the forward to his book
• Member of the Great Man Mastermind

In this Episode:

• Why men can be surrounded by people and still feel alone
• How men are dying to open up to other men…but the conditions need to be right for us to feel safe (and those conditions are often quite hard to find)
• Why Millennials and Gen Z seem to be far less confined to the rigid traditions of what masculinity is "supposed to be"
• Why being 45 and feeling 45 don't have to be the same thing
• Whether too much ejaculation can have a negative effect on your life force How latent homophobia in straight men can adversely effect so many facets of his life – like forging deep bonds with other men or showing vulnerability

Dr. Myles Spar's Resources:

Dr. Spar's First Episode on The Great Man Within Podcast: Optimal Men's Health Vault Health: https://www.vaulthealth.com The Get It Up Podcast: Frank and Beans Episode Dr. Spar's Newsletter: https://drspar.com Dr. Spar's Book: Optimal Men's Health

#179:

Neuroscience tells us that 95% of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors come from our subconscious mind.

That's a LOT of power and momentum moving in directions that fall below your conscious detection.

To live an intentional life, you need to learn how to harness the power of your subconscious mind – by consciously guiding it where you choose.

Today's episode is a series of stories from my life that illuminate where my subconscious mind has intentionally – and unintentionally – created the life I'm living right now…

…and how I'm programming my subconscious to create the future of my dreams (and so can you).

It's my 42nd bday! Here's my Birthday Wish:

Let me know one way this show has impacted your life over the last year.

You can email me, DM me, leave us a rating on Apple Podcasts, or post it in the Great Man Within Facebook Group.

Join the men's only Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheGreatManWithin

Email: [email protected]

#178:

You hear the story over and over again:

Man grinds out a 40-50 year career, puts food on the table, retires off into the sunset…and has no idea what to do with the rest of his life.

That's because as men, our identities become conflated with our work.

And when our work is gone, it leaves a gaping chasm inside.

Who am I without my work?

Another component to this is the paradoxical experience of being surrounded by people, yet feeling completely isolated and alone – as if no one really knows you.

This often happens to men who build their relationships around their businesses – which means at the essence, there's always some level of transactional expectation that glues that relationship together.

This can manifest in feelings of no one's really got your back, and the only person you can ever really rely on is yourself. What feeling could be more lonely or isolating than that?

That's why today we're having a candid conversation with a therapist turned "Shrink for Entrepreneurs," about how men can crush business when we find communities of other Great Men we can rely on.

This "Shrink for Entrepreneurs" is the witty, insightful and wicked smart Peter Shallard.

Who is Peter Shallard

• He is the "Shrink for Entrepreneurs," helping business owners achieve the hat trick of Wealth, Freedom and Sanity
• Peter started his career as a therapist, working with patients with clinical diagnosis such as anxiety, depression and other mental health challenges before finding his sweet spot in working with entrepreneurs…including those who have built their businesses to billion dollar valuations and multi-million dollar pay day exits
• At the center of his work is solving for the isolation that business owners – and men – often experience in running their own businesses
• He also is the founder of Commit Action, a smart technology company where, for as little as $300 a month, you can get a dedicated real-life human being supporting you in weekly accountability calls to help you stay on track to knock out your biggest goals

In This Episode

• The pandemic of social isolation that long preceded our current pandemic
• Why isolation is the major social pathology of our time
• Why Peter believes "there is no commitment to personal growth bigger than starting your own business."
• Why 90% of entrepreneurs would give themselves a 0 out of 10 satisfaction rating on their present-day ability to execute
• Why community is essential to thriving in all areas of your life and business
• Productivity insights from over 10,000 conversations with entrepreneurs

Resources

Peter's Website: https://www.petershallard.com

Commit Action Website: https://www.commitaction.com

Peter on Twitter: @petershallard

#177:

Join the men's only Great Man Within Facebook Group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheGreatManWithin

I've always had a difficult time explaining what inner work actually is, but in one very real sense:

It's combat training for the most difficult moments of your life.

If you've been keeping up with me lately, you know my flat white* ass has been getting kicked around these last 6 weeks.

*not to be confused with the delicious flat white espresso drink

But amidst all the kicks-to-my-lower-extremities, a funny thing happened:

I started noticing I've never felt more powerful in my life.

How's that possible?

Nearly 8 years ago, I had my world rocked in a similar sense when I bottomed out and entered Sex Addicts Anonymous…

…and I felt obliterated.

How could it feel so different this time?

After all, in my external world, I've been taking quite a few poundings:

• The book "bok" publishing fiasco
• Porn-gate
• Losing about 70% of my revenue as a result of porn-gate
• Challenges in a meaningful intimate relationship

Of course, all of this stuff sucks.

Loss is never easy, particularly when it's delivered via the sucker punch.

I've felt a lot of pain these last 40+ days.

And yet, my inner world has never felt more safe, secure and solid.

All that inner work combat training specifically prepared me for moments like these.

You see, inner work strips away your reliance on needing to control the outside world – which is super fucking hard, by the way – to refocus on building an inner foundation that can find peace and confidence in nearly any situation.

8 years after my "bottoming out," I'm experiencing the beautiful contrast of the inner power I feel now vs. the inner chaos I felt then.

This new awareness led me to think more deeply about power, and how it is derived.

As men, we organize much of our entire lives around things we believe will give us power.

But so much of the power we chase hinges on external sources that are fleeting and flimsy (like status, titles or wealth).

When your power is predicated on external sources that can change at any time, you never truly feel safe or secure.

All it takes is one external variable to change, and it can expose that hole-in-the-Deathstar type vulnerability where it feels like one well-placed shot can annihilate you.

Believe me, I know.

I lived that life.

The inner power I feel now is the exact opposite:

Hit me with your best shot, sucker.

It'll only make me stronger.

So today, I sat down today and let rip 7 ways in which I used to experience power from an immature, externally-oriented perspective.

Then I wrote 7 ways I experience power today.

I thought you might find it useful.

7 Signs of Immature Masculine Power

1. Derived from external sources such as wealth, titles and social status
2. Relies on comparison to others
3. Needs something or someone to dominate
4. Shrinks – or explodes – in the face of criticism
5. Experiences setbacks as weakness
6. Power that's unsafe to others
7. Power that's temporary and always at risk

7 Signs of Mature Masculine Power

1. Derived from internal resources such as Purpose, trust in self and inner peace
2. Relies on comparison to self
3. Helps others to find their power
4. Expands in the face of criticism
5. Experiences setbacks as training grounds to become stronger
6. Power that elevates others
7. Enduring and forever reliable

#176:

Well, after 170+ episodes of talk about purpose, porn, sexual performance, racial inequities, menstrual cycles and menopause, we finally decided to tackle "the last great taboo."

MONEY.

It's hard to believe, but this is in fact our very first money focused discussion on The Great Man Within Podcast.

But boy, do we have a doozy in store for you.

That's because we have one of the most visible and respected leaders in the Financial Independence movement joining us today:

My old college buddy and Great Man Mastermind brother, Brad Barrett. More on him in a moment.

If you haven't heard of the Financial Independence (or FI) movement, you're missing out.

The FI movement is a global community of millions of ordinary citizens breaking free from financial drift, making intentional decisions with their money, and get this:

Within a period of 5 to 15 years…having so much money saved that they can choose whether or not they want to work ever again.

Members of the FI community are hitting independence in their 40s, 30s or even sometimes their 20s.

And most of these people are NOT extraordinary earners. Many of them are teachers, accountants, hair dressers, union workers or other typical middle class professions.

Sounds impossible, no?

Or at least must require some superhuman level of savings and deprivation – like downsizing your family to a one bedroom studio and allocating toilet paper square allotments.

Au contraie, my friends. It's quite the opposite.

While achieving Financial Independence does require intentionality and discipline, it does not necessitate you giving up all of your life's pleasures to become a frugal weirdo who eats brown bananas.

Instead, Brad Barrett will be teaching us how the choice to begin your journey to financial independence is not only exciting, it has the potential to become one of the most meaningful inner work experiences of your life.

And that, ultimately, leads to freedom.

Who is Brad Barrett

• Brad Barrett is the co-host of the ChooseFI podcast, which is an astoundingly popular financially focused podcast…and beyond that, one of the most popular podcasts in the world.
• Put it this way, there are 850,000 podcasts in the interwebs today, and ChooseFI is one of the top 500 most downloaded. That puts it in the .0006% of all podcasts (or 6 basis points for you math geeks).
• Brad and his wife Laura – and their two young daughters - achieved financial independence before the age of 40, which means they've saved enough money away to live off the interest of their savings that totally covers their yearly expenses
• If you've read my new bok, On Purpose Leadership, you already know about Brad, because I featured him the chapter outlining how to identify and follow your Greatest Energy – which is what Brad did to not only achieve FI, but to become one of the pillars of the movement itself

In this Episode

• You'll learn what is Financial Independence and the "why" behind committing to this lifestyle of living
• Why Brad calls "money the last great taboo."
• Why not taking command of your financial decisions leads to a lifetime of living on the knife's edge of losing your personal autonomy
• Why and how you need to stop seeing saving money as "deprivation" and instead see it as your path to freedom
• How to figure out exactly what your life costs
• The basic math behind how you can calculate your personal "financial independence" number

Resources:

The ChooseFI Podcast: https://www.choosefi.com/episodes

ChooseFI Episode 38, "The Why of ChooseFI": https://www.choosefi.com/038-the-why-of-fi

ChooseFI Episode 100, "Welcome to the FI Community": https://www.choosefi.com/100-welcome-to-the-fi-community

#175:

Gentlemen, this is a powerful episode for you to explore the perspective of women and the impacts that secretive porn use has on them.

The 3 big questions women ask me about porn and men are:

1. Are all men addicted to porn?
2. Why does he need porn when he has me?
3. Is there something wrong with me if he desires porn more than me?

I break down those three questions after reading a raw and painful letter from a woman listener who has recently discovered her partner's secret world of porn habits.

The Facebook Group for Men: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheGreatManWithin

That Sex Group on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/thekaleidoscope

The Erotic Mind by Dr. Jack Morin:

https://smile.amazon.com/Erotic-Mind-Unlocking-Sources-Fulfillment/dp/0060984287/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+erotic+mind&qid=1603308283&sr=8-1

#174:

Some of my favorite interviews we do on this show are with women who give us the inside baseball on their private processes for sifting out the Great Men from the rest of the pack.

This episode is one of those interviews, with a woman who has a discerning eye for identifying men who have that "it factor" when it comes to leading in life.

This woman is someone you've heard me mention dozens of times on this show before, but this is her very first appearance to unpack 5 things she looks for to identify a Great Man…

…my dear friend Grace Gold.

Here are 5 ways that women like Grace identify a man who leads:

1. He is a master of his domain

In other words, a man who lives his life On Purpose.

"A man who hates his job and drags himself to it every day…is not a leading man." – Grace Gold

2. He does not settle in any area of his life

Settling is not compartmentalized. A man who settles in one area of his life is undoubtedly settling in other areas is well. Settling does not beget leadership.

3. He builds trusted relationships wherever he goes

A man who leads is recognized as a leader not only in business, but in his local coffee shop, his favorite restaurant, his gym. He cultivates relationships in the places that are special to him.

4. He is committed to continuous self-improvement

A man who leads has a voracious appetite for learning. He reads. He has the humility required to bring a beginner's mind to new scenarios. He never stagnates, he is on a path of lifelong growth.

5. He genuinely respects women…and his actions show it

A leader doesn't just say he respects women, his actions show it. He reads books written by and for women. He has platonic female friends. He exposes misogyny and stands against it. He calls other men forward to a higher standard.

These are just the cliff notes from today's powerful episode.

-DQ

PS - If you want to hear a first-hand account from Grace of what it was like to date the 24-year old "total bro" version of me…you'll enjoy today's episode. ;-)

PPS – If you want to level up your personal leadership, I wrote a book on that:

On Purpose Leadership: Master the Art of Leading Yourself to Inspire and Impact Others On Amazon: https://amzn.to/2GKawdY

#173:

My father recently asked me why I sent an email called "4 Feel Good Porn Options/Alternatives" (which was the name of one of our recent podcasts) to my email list.

The tone of his question was somewhat judgmental.

The tone of my response was somewhat defensive.

But the conversation that ensued broke new ground in our relationship…

…and led to a moment that every son dreams of receiving from his father:

His Blessing.

My Dad gave me his blessing when I needed it most.

Throughout my life, whenever I've needed my Dad most, he's been there for me.

My Dad's still got it.

In today's podcast, I share the emotional story of that conversation and what it meant to me.

And it was the very first time, in 170+ episodes of The Great Man Within Podcast, that I cried.

IN CASE YOU WANT THE REST OF THE BACKGROUND

On Monday, September 28th, I mistakenly sent an email titled "4 Feel Good Porn Options/Alternatives…"

…to 300 of my corporate clients.

And suddenly, we've got a situation.

My email list for the podcast (ie YOU, and where no subject is off limits) somehow got commingled with my corporate client list (doh!).

Now I've inadvertently triggered a shock & awe campaign with the people who pay my bills.

Some of the blowback has been intense.

"Completely inappropriate."

"Offensive."

"I hope they fire you."

These responses, I understand.

My clients had no context for – nor had they consented to receiving – that type of email.

Imagine going about your business and then WHAM, your inbox is penetrated (see what I did there?) by an unsolicited heat seeking missile of lusty delights.

(Which, more than a few didn't find delightful.)

I felt horrible about it.

I never want to offend or betray someone's trust.

Especially in an arena as sensitive as sex.

When I awoke on Tuesday, Sept 29th, the day after Porn-Gate, I felt a new wound:

"Sex is bad. Porn is bad. YOU are bad."

For as long as I've had sexual feelings, I've had shameful feelings about them.

In my experience, shame is a learned phenomenon, taught to you by others who tell you which bits of you they find unacceptable.

When it comes to anything sexual, it seems I've been an exceptional shame-receiving student, and here's my latest lesson.

This fiasco jump-started the shame cycle's engines once again:

Fear and angst began their march through their well-worn paths of my psyche.

Until a better, stronger and deeper part of me stepped in and said:

FUCK THAT.

I am GOOD.

My sexuality is a powerful, loving force that runs to the core of my being.

I am here talking openly about sexuality because I experienced firsthand what shame-ifying sex did to my life.

I see so many other men and their partners suffering needlessly in silence for the same reasons.

I am here as a force for change whether you understand it or not.

Whether you like it or not.

I am deeply sorry I shocked, triggered and caused pain for many of my unsuspecting clients.

I am working towards making that right, as best I can.

I thank those who expressed their anger, hurt and fear.

They've helped me to see and understand them.

And they've given me the priceless gift of seeing and understanding me.

In fact, they gave me the wakeup call I needed to realize…

…I was still holding back.

Still shrinking myself to fit inside the neat little standards that dictates which parts of me are acceptable and which aren't welcome.

It turns out Porn-Gate (I suppose that's it's official name now) exposed how much of my life's agency I still abdicate away to others.

This has been my nemesis all my life:

Fitting into other people's standards at the expense of my own Truth and Power.

While I've made some deep cuts into this block of stone over the course of my life, it seems Porn-Gate thrust me to the ultimate Boss Level Test:

Am I ready, for the first time in my fucking life…

…to be me?

Not just part of me…

…ALL of me?

For the next 10 days, I grappled internally with how much fucking courage it requires to be all of me in this world, man.

The topics I talk about are so triggering for some people, that my entire track record of compassion, generosity and thoughtfulness can be wiped away with one word, like "porn."

For instance, one of the women who mistakenly received my email said this:

"I hope [client name] 'fires' you.

This email today demonstrates extreme unprofessionalism and poor judgment from a self-proclaimed leadership coach, regardless of whether it was intended for men or women.

The legitimate leadership coaches I know don't find giving advice on finding porn resources.

Pretty sure men and women can find their own porn, and your backpedaling video that I spent 1 minute and 44 seconds watching just made this worse."

Mind you, earlier in the same email, this woman said she found her way onto my email list because she listened to the 15-episode podcast series I conducted for women called Design Your Future.

In this series, I shined a light on 15 women in male-dominated environments, unpacked their genius and incredibly inspiring stories, listening to them with a curiosity and at a depth that many of them had never experienced before.

Despite listening to these episodes, where my deepest respect for these women was on display, and I shined a light on them in a way no other man in the industry ever had before…

…one email about porn obliterated all of that, for this woman.

So she called for my head.

And guess what?

She got it.

On that email, she copied the head of the committee who had originally hired me…

…and that next day, I was fired.

After the anger, fear and confusion settled…it left me with a simple, penetrating question:

Why have I built a business for a group of people who reject me at my core?

The honest truth was:

Because they pay you, dummy.

But this dramatic experience felt so wrong, so unjust and so disgusting to my heart…

…that the path forward became abundantly clear:

This dummy is done trading in parts of his soul for your temperamental paychecks.

So, I've made the decision to go my own way.

To stop walking the "conditional" easy money path and blaze the trail less traveled:

Building my business for the people who accept all of me…

…even if they don't always understand or agree with me.

These are the people who deserve me, and me them.

As soon as I made that decision, I felt powerful.

I felt an inner unshackling…

…an uncaging of the parts of my soul that had been locked away for decades of my life.

I felt a life force of energy coursing through my spine, my veins and even…my cock.

I felt strength.

I felt…ME.

I've never been more uncertain about my (short-term) financial future…

…but I've never been more sure of the special type of abundance that is coming my way.

I'm talking about the type of abundance that's reserved only for those who summon the courage to be their truest selves in a world that disproportionally rewards conformity.

By reading this far, your attention counts as the special type of abundance I'm talking about.

So from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for filling my tank.

If you choose to stay with me as I walk this new path, I can promise you that you'll get my best.

I can promise you that it'll never be boring.

And perhaps someday, I'll be rewarded with the special type of abundance…

…that can only come from you sharing your story of liberation with me.

-DQ