The Happiness Project

In today’s episode I am going to talk to you about building a strong foundation for your relationship. It doesn’t matter what dynamic of relationship you are presently experiencing, its never too late to establish a foundation to create the kind of a relationship you want with your partner. When I talk about foundation, I am talking about the thing that holds your relationship together and the way you handle all the high, the lows, the bumps, and the boulders. Think about all the reasons why you stepped into this relationship in the first place? How do you feel about this relationship? Because whatever that you feel, what it means is that your feelings will impact your partner and his/her feelings will impact you. So when it comes to relationships, it’s important to create a source of understanding, trust, respect, compassion, empathy, vision, and very importantly forgiveness. Of course, this is something that is built over time, especially since relationships can be defined differently as they navigate their journey. As I strongly believe that issues are usually not about relationships however they are about us. As I mentioned earlier in this episode, that I am going to be discussing about relationships, I am also going to be discussing about your relationship with yourself which largely influences your relationship with your partners. For example, our sense of self-worth. If I am talking to myself in a more compassionate, loving and a kind manner, I am more likely to extend that towards my partner and to other people. But if I am harsh, unloving and insensitive towards myself, I am more likely to contain that within me and naturally sweep that on to my partner.

There’s really no other way to say it, but the aphorism “it’s better to give than it is to receive” has been right all along: spreading joy to those around us has a huge impact on our happiness and wellbeing. So much so, that recent studies have shown that performing acts that bring joy to others activates the same parts of our brain that food and intimacy with our partners does! There’s something about making someone else smile that, when we really think about it, is contagious, right?

There is a Chinese saying that goes: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” For centuries, the greatest thinkers have suggested the same thing: Happiness is found in helping others.

Spreading happiness is amazing because it makes you and the other person feel better simultaneously! To spread happiness is to spread kindness. By making even just one other person happy, we are able to create a ripple effect.

The act of happiness you spread might just last long enough to reach one other person, but that means it’s done its job. That person will spread that happiness to one more person and so on. Ripples outward and outwards, affecting more people than you ever intended. There are some acts you can do that can affect many more people at once and that will have even bigger ripple results!

Use this day to change the conversation from something negative to something positive. If someone is spreading unrealistic standards or beating themselves up, gently challenge their thoughts or change the subject. It's time to break up the negativity and bring up what’s more important: what’s on the inside.

It's easy to get distracted by our own insecurities, but think about how good it feels to spread positivity. Bring that feeling to the surface today and make it a little easier to do the same each and every day that follows.

Time management is all about managing your life right.

The fact is that you cannot save time; you can only spend it differently. You can only move your time usage from areas of low value to areas of high value. Herein lies the key to success, and the requirement for self-discipline,

You can tell the value that something has to you by the amount of time you invest in it. You always pay attention to and spend time on what you most value, whether it is your family, your health, your social or sports activities or your money and career. It is only by looking at how you spend your time that you, and everyone else, knows what is really important to you.

The essence of time management is for you to discipline yourself to set clear priorities, and then to stick to those priorities. You must consciously and deliberately select the most valuable and important thing that you could be doing at any given time, and then discipline yourself to work solely on that task.

According to one of the articles that I read on the Forbes magazine, it said that instead of thinking of time like something that you kill when you have too much of it, treat time like your own commodity that you want to protect. Continuing with the metaphor of time as money, imagine that other people, screens, and substances are like advertisements telling us how we should spend our time. These things tell us it is a great use of our time to spend it and they do it in a very subconscious, convincing nature. We might be pacified into spending our time or money on something we did not really want to. Be mindful.

Do a thought exercise and imagine you have a year left to live. Imagine you had two weeks left to live. How would you spend your time? Imagine that in old age you are looking back on your memories of COVID-19, because well this is a historical event which you are a part of. So how do you want to reflect on this time and how you spent it? What is the story you want to tell that will reflect the type of person you want to be remembered as?

Meditation is one easy way to fight the effects of daily stress, and take back control of our being. Just 20 minutes a day can reduce stress and help your brain to recharge. Meditation is a natural and rewarding human activity. If practiced regularly, meditation can produce remarkable results on physical, mental and emotional aspects of our being.

There are tons of resources available out there: from podcast, to books, Youtube videos, and Ted talks. For resources to be easily accessible I am going to mention a few links in this podcast for you to refer to.

Remember that there is no right or wrong way to meditate. There is only awareness and non-awareness. When you notice your thoughts wandering, you’ve moved into awareness. Simply bring your attention back to the breath and continue your practice. It’s that simple. With consistent practice, you will eventually know and feel the power of meditation.

I would like to end this episode by Pema Chodron’s words – ‘Meditation is about seeing clearly the body that we have, the mind that we have, the domestic situation that we have, the job that we have, and the people who are in our lives. It's about seeing how we react to all these things. It's seeing our emotions and thoughts just as they are right now, in this very moment, in this very room, on this very seat. It's about not trying to make them go away, not trying to become better than we are, but just seeing clearly with precision and gentleness’

Resources for meditation-

‘Meditation: How to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind’ by Pema Chödrön

Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn

‘Meditation: An in-depth guide’ by Ian Gawler

‘Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment—and Your Life’ by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Body Scan Exercise with Jon Kabat-Zinn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15q-N-_kkrU

3-Minute Mindful Breathing Meditation (to Relieve Stress) with Stop, Breathe & Think https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEfs5TJZ6Nk

Wellness is important because it impacts so many areas of our lives. We need to understand that if we want to function in this endlessly changing world, we need to be well balanced. The key here is balance– by acknowledging the constantly changing nature of life: the aim is to strike balance by paying attention to all areas of wellness. You need to take responsibility by simply choosing to live a balanced way of life. And that responsibility comes through self-awareness– meaning by understanding both the causes and the consequences of your actions. No matter what your current status of health might be, anyone can improve their level of well-being. There is a lot of research that suggests that the decisions and habits that an individual makes everyday are the strongest elements of a wellness lifestyle.

So, when we speak of wellness, its just not about taking an aspirin for the headache. It’s about treating the root of the problem. When a symptom like this occurs – it’s more of a message that something needs attention. It could be the fact that you’re extremely stressed or could be that you are overthinking.

So in order to achieve a wellness lifestyle we need a balance in all the five pillars of holistic wellness – mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and social. Most of us know what these aspects consist of, but are we really doing justice to each of the wellbeing elements? Are we able to achieve that balance in our every day lives?

See you don’t have to look at achieving the ‘ideal’ lifestyles that seem unachievable. It can cause. Wellness is a systematic discipline for focusing on what is essential, and eliminating everything that is not – To you.

I am going to leave you all with a few questions to reflect on –

1. Of the main components of a Wellness Lifestyle - Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual and Social which is currently the most important to you?

2. Am I achieving balance between all of the wellness aspects at least 4-5 out of 7 days a week?

3. What realistic steps could you plan to take right now to develop one or more of these components of Wellness that are currently lacking attention or out of balance in your life?

And to end this episode, as Greg Anderson says, remember that the concept of total wellness recognizes that our every thought, word, and behaviour affects our greater health and well-being. And we, in turn, are affected not only emotionally but also physically and spiritually. So the moment you think you are losing control – it’s time to reflect on these dimensions and keep working on it until you build a strong foundation.

I’m personally trying to be more present in the physical world, meditating and journaling, and cooking food for pleasure, not fuel. I’m also, most importantly, trying not to beat myself up so much if I don’t get around to following my new rules. And taking one step at a time, every day and every moment.

One thing I understand is the most challenging right now is that – people are being affected to adjust themselves to the ‘new normal’. While stress is an absolutely normal and an extremely healthy reaction, there is definitely something different that you can do. Understand that there are a lot of things that are not in your control, from the duration of the virus, the spread of the virus, the impact on the economy, the attitude of people around me, the health of your loved ones, unemployment, restrictions, fear and chaos but there definitely are a few things that are in your control. The moment you start focusing on everything that is in your control, you will begin to understand that not everything is out of control. 2020 is certainly the year of uncertainty but what we can control is how we show up and deliver every day.

Fairly, you and I both wish that this couldn’t happened during our time. But that is not for us to decide. All we have to decide is what we do with the time that we have in our hands. We are all playing a significant role in the time of history. This period is going to be spoken about forever. Your children and grand children are going to ask you about this time because this has been the greatest pandemic in the last 100 years and economic fall out is sure going to follow.

Now, what is going to make a difference is how you manage the nature of this event. And very importantly, what role are you individually playing in this event of occurrence? Are you allowing yourself to play a victim or a strong survivor. And as I always say, it’s a choice that you make, every time.

I see so many emotional stories of doctors, nurses and all the healthcare workers, police, grocery store workers putting their lives at risk by helping so many strangers during these crises. They are the real heroes. They make a choice everyday – to give beyond limits. This is my sincere thanks to all of them who have helped us get through this so far and continue to do so all along. There is so much of prayer, wishes and support coming your way. Again, thank you so much to all of them who continue to put their lives at service for the entire world out there.

It’s a very natural feeling to be overpowered and terrified by all the waves of Covid-19, but I hope this episode helped you break the transmission of negativity and gave you an opportunity to experience a little ray of happiness and positivity.

‘We are in the middle of a highly teachable moment. There is no doubt that this period will be referred to for the rest of our lifetimes. We have a chance to go deep and to go broad. Globally, we are in this together. Depth is being forced on us, by great suffering, which I like to say, always leads to great love’ – Richard Rohr

(P.S. - Since I know a lot of people who need help to get through this situation but unfortunately are unable to receive that help: for that reason, please find my email ID - [email protected] for you to write to me and ultimately connect virtually via audio/video call sessions for coaching and counselling. Please feel free to write to me at any point of time during and after this unfortunate series of events. 

Fear and self-doubt are undeniably two of the most common obstructions to succeed in life. According to Merriam Webster dictionary, fear is, “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.” whereas Doubt on the other hand is - to call into question the truth of: to be uncertain.” It also demonstrates lack of confidence.

We need to understand that fear is a mechanism that has been created to keep us all safe and comfortable. Whether it’s doubt, dishonour, not wanting to fail, or not wanting to be judged, the natural perception of fear tries to hold us back from boldly stepping forward as our strongest, most powerful selves.

Know that self doubt is going to accompany you every time you step out of your comfort zone. Every time you want to accomplish something, from starting a new chapter in your life or changing your career, it’s going to be right there – besides you!

The old conditioned, self-doubt can be a troubling and persuasive voice that holds you back. It holds you back from seizing your opportunities. It makes getting started or finishing things harder than they need to be. The pull push dynamic leads to procrastination and unwillingness. Let me tell you, there is a constant war going between ‘what your mind tells you and what really is the truth’. Your energies are divided and clearly you become your worst enemy. You need to realise that there is a conflict, an internal conflict which is unresolved and needs to be worked upon.

If not addressed, fear and self-doubt can prevent you from experiencing illuminating possibilities that life has to offer you.

I want you to understand that self-doubt starts in the mind when you start questioning everything that you do and then it shows up in your actions. Now, this can be a good thing or can sometimes be toxic. Positive in a way where your decisions are realistic and are well-thought in terms of observing your thoughts all over again. Negative in a way where you tend to become an extreme person – black or white thinking. Where you do not have space for gray areas in life. All or nothing kind of thinking. And this leads to labeling yourself, for instance – I am a loser, I can’t do this, I will fail again. That’s where you tend to give into your core beliefs that have developed over the years which are usually not true. Which then leads to catastrophizing – meaning thinking of the worse case scenarios and stressing about it. Negative thinking can lead to more anxiety and depression in people. Don't give these thoughts a passage to your life. Do not allow these beliefs to become a barricade to learn the most from your experiences. As Elizabeth Gilbert said in her book Big Magic: “Your fear should always be allowed to have a voice, and a seat in the vehicle of your life. But whatever you do — don’t let your fear DRIVE.”

“Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you, too, will keep encountering challenges. It is a blessing to be able to survive them, to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other—to be in a position to make the climb up life’s mountain, knowing that the summit still lies ahead. And every experience is a valuable teacher.” Oprah Winfrey

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” - John Allen Paulos

In the times of isolation and quarantines, many of us are going ridiculously insane, simply finding it difficult to accept the radical change taking place in all our lives. From a business person, to an economist. Life has been upended. Changes have taken place from trivial subjects wherein a ‘Hello’ has transformed into ‘Namastey’ or ‘tapping elbows to greet each other’ to substantial matters like decline in the stock market. And along the way, anxiety has increased to another level, where people are feeling insecure and overwhelmed; This virus has reminded us all – that the world is not as controllable as it appears to be. There are some risks that cannot be minimized by any kind of influence.

Well, we are all going through a tough time however there’s one thing that I am learning everyday is that – There is always something assenting and positive to experience in every situation that occurs abruptly.

You might yet be wondering whether what am I saying! When the entire world is falling apart, how are we expected to look at the positive possibility of it all?

I choose to look at this period as a phase of transformation.

Transformation at a global level.

Change is about to occur; it is making us all uncomfortable, desperate, and despairing. Its said that its going to get worse before it gets better. And it will get better!

Even before change occurs we get so apprehensive that it does not allow us to live the present moment mindfully. We tend to resist change although we are aware of the possible consequences. Why? Because we follow the status-quo, meaning we follow the same path we always have that gratifies us for a tremendous period of time. There is a whole lot of emotions running wild within us. And predominantly, when change transpires our brain requires to put in a lot of effort to think, so we instead react out of instinct or habit.

Two reasons why we primarily find change challenging is because-

1) We are petrified for we are moving towards an uncertain future we are not equipped for.

2) We feel miserable as we are leaving something behind and we believe that we will never find something like this ever again.

Now that we have understood why change is difficult let us first learn to accept that how much ever we may want to keep things constant, ‘Change is the only thing that Is constant’

If you ever think you’ve created a controllable, predictable life for yourself, you can be rest assured that’s an illusion. Nothing stays the same forever.

The uncertainty can keep you up at night, obsessing over ways to protect yourself from anything that might go wrong. Or it can motivate you to practice acceptance, live in the moment, and embrace the adventure of living.

What’s coming tomorrow might not be easy—or it might fulfil you in ways you didn’t know to imagine. What’s certain is that it will come and when it gets here, you’ll respond to it, learn from it, and move into another tomorrow full of endless possibilities.

Today I’m focusing on my possibilities, not my fear, and suddenly I feel a lot better.

This episode essentially is for people who are stuck in their lives and people who are in the furrow of constant self-doubt.

It’s important to remember, that regardless of the image we project outwardly, it’s our inner-self that generates the responses, inspires such warm emotions, and forges lifelong connections.

If you think about power, you might think about it in terms of strength, money, position. But that’s not the kind of power that I am talking about. I am talking about the power that lies within you. The power that allows you to take a leap of faith because you follow your inner compass, your inner voice and your gut instinct. This power will allow you to overcome the force that is pulling you down and making you the victim in every situation. And once you listen to the voice within you and focus on the higher truth within yourself, and no matter who you are, you have a purpose, you are here for a reason bigger than yourself, and you have GOT to figure out what that is.Because if you don’t have the courage to discover your own truth, you will miss out on the entire essence of your life.

“Power is based upon perception–if you think you’ve got it, then you’ve got it. If you think you don’t have it, even if you’ve got it, then you don’t have it.” — Herb Cohen

The message that I want to get through to you today is that you are already outfitted with everything you need to make your life phenomenal.

To make your life a masterpiece and leave an outstanding legacy that lives much longer than you do. Your life is a message, doesn’t matter how big or small the message is – but your life has to be a message. You need to be a verb. Even if you don’t have all the characteristics that your friends may possess, you still need to tap into that inner voice, the inner power that I have been talking about.

So as Caroline mentioned ‘if you can do this, not only will the speed of your life get quicker, not only will the substance of your life get richer, but you will never feel superfluous again’

Don’t wait any longer to speak and think victory over your future. Every day remind yourself of how powerful you truly are. Say over and over to yourself, “I am a winner. No loss or defeat can override the greatness that is already within me. I am blessed with an overwhelming amount of joy.”

So figure out the unique gift that the universe gave you and putting that at the service of your goals.