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 We’re taught that being “nice” is a virtue.
 But what if some of the behaviors we call niceness are actually survival strategies?

In this episode of The Hardcore Therapist Podcast, I unpack the subtle ways trauma can disguise itself as politeness, agreeableness, and being “low maintenance.” We explore patterns many people mistake for kindness—over-explaining every no, apologizing when someone bumps into you, laughing off disrespect, saying “sure” when you mean no, and managing everyone else’s emotions before your own.

This conversation breaks down the nervous-system logic behind people-pleasing and the fawn response, why these behaviors once kept you safe, and how they quietly erode self-trust and boundaries in adulthood. We also talk about what healing actually looks like not becoming colder or harsher, but becoming more honest and self-loyal.

Book suggestions 

1. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving — Pete Walker (popularizes the 4F framework including “fawn”)
2. Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Glover Tawwab (clear boundary scripts + mindset shifts)
3. The Disease to Please — Harriet Braiker (classic on people-pleasing patterns + recovery steps)
4.  Are You Mad at Me? — Meg Josephson (people-pleasing/anxiety lens; mentioned in recent coverage) 

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