As a new year begins, many addicts and betrayed partners feel both hope and heartbreak—hope that things can change, and heartbreak from remembering all the years they didn’t. In this episode, we explain why traditional New Year’s resolutions often fail: they are usually made from reactionary emotional states, lack realistic structure, and collapse when real life returns. Instead of empowering change, these resolutions frequently deepen shame, reinforce hopeless identity narratives, and push people further into addiction or emotional withdrawal.

In PBSE Episode 314, we examine several common traps that sabotage lasting growth, including “blood oaths” and grand promises, punitive self-punishment after setbacks, and goals that focus only on stopping behaviors rather than addressing the deeper emotional and relational roots driving them. We emphasize the importance of reparative accountability—learning from breakdowns instead of shaming ourselves—and the necessity of planning for obstacles rather than pretending they won’t happen. Sustainable change requires humility, preparation, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable patterns instead of avoiding them.

Finally, we focus on two critical but often overlooked drivers of change: identity and environment. We explain how internal self-talk and identity beliefs shape behavior, and why becoming a different person must come before doing different behaviors. We also highlight how environments—relationships, routines, technology, and thought patterns—either support or sabotage recovery. Real and lasting change in 2026 won’t come from another resolution; it will come from aligning identity, environment, and daily practices with the life we are trying to build.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  How to Attain REAL and LASTING Change in 2026!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode #313, we address a hard but necessary truth: addicts cannot change what they refuse to see. Using two deeply moving submissions from betrayed partners, we illustrate how years of porn use, dishonesty, staggered disclosure, and fake recovery create devastating emotional, psychological, relational, and financial consequences. These stories highlight partners who are not “impatient” or “unforgiving,” but who are reaching the end of their capacity after living in chronically unsafe relationships shaped by manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abandonment.

We explore how addiction in committed relationships represents a fundamental breach of contract—one in which the addict continues to benefit from a partner’s love, loyalty, emotional labor, and sexual availability while secretly violating the very agreements that relationship was built upon. Drawing on clinical concepts such as Integrity Abuse and intentionally manipulated reality, we explain how chronic deception strips partners of informed consent, destabilizes their nervous systems, and forces them into hyper-vigilance, self-doubt, and long-term trauma. The damage extends beyond the relationship itself, often impairing a partner’s future capacity for trust, intimacy, and connection.

Finally, we issue a direct plea to addicts: face the devastation honestly and let it become the catalyst for real change. This is not about collapsing into shame, but about developing clarity, humility, and resolve. We emphasize that words, promises, and intentions are no longer enough—only consistent action, accountability, sacrifice, and transparency demonstrate true recovery. The episode closes with a sobering reminder from a listener who lost his marriage after decades of delay, underscoring the urgency of choosing change now, before the cost becomes irreversible.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   Face the Devastation You Have Heaped Upon Your Partner and then CHOOSE TO CHANGE!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Episode 312—Many couples in recovery assume that progress means focusing only on the future, but this mindset often overlooks the deep losses created by addiction and betrayal. Partners may grieve the relationship they thought they had, the years marked by deception, and the emotional safety that was taken from them without consent. When grief is minimized or avoided—often in the name of “positivity”—partners can feel unseen and pressured to suppress their pain, recreating the emotional neglect that existed during active addiction.

For addicts, grieving the past is especially difficult because it requires facing accountability without collapsing into shame. Many were raised in environments where responsibility and worthlessness were intertwined, making emotional presence feel threatening. Yet intimacy cannot grow where grief is forbidden. When addicts are unable to stay present with their partner’s pain, the relationship develops emotional “no-go zones,” limiting safety and connection. True recovery requires the capacity to face loss honestly, without defensiveness or avoidance.

When grief is approached with empathy, timing, and emotional maturity, it becomes one of the most powerful bonding experiences a couple can share. Grieving together does not mean living in the past—it means integrating it. By acknowledging what was lost, couples create space for authenticity, trust, and deeper intimacy. Healing is not about forgetting what happened, but about facing it together so that both partners can move forward grounded in truth, compassion, and shared humanity.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Partner is in Recovery. Should we let the past go and move on? Is there a place for "grieving" what we have lost? 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode (#311), we respond to a vulnerable question from an addict early in recovery who wonders whether years of porn use have permanently damaged his ability to see his wife as the most attractive person in his life. He worries that neurological “chemical bonding” to porn images and body types means he will always be more attached to fantasy than to his real partner—and that his wife may be committing to a lifetime of being second-best. We affirm that pornography does significantly impact the brain, altering arousal templates and reinforcing dopamine-driven bonding to novelty and visual stimulation. However, this chemical bonding represents only one small aspect of human attachment, and the brain is both neuroplastic and capable of profound healing and expansion in recovery.

We then challenge the cultural illusion that attraction is purely biological, automatic, and based solely on physical appearance. From movies to music to porn, society teaches an adolescent model of attraction that reduces human beings to bodies and chemistry and frames attraction as something that “just happens” to us. This narrow view leaves people powerless and sets relationships up to fail—especially when addiction is layered on top. In contrast, we describe attraction as a force that can be cultivated, expanded, diminished, or redirected based on what we value and where we invest our energy. Attraction grows through curiosity, presence, appreciation, and intentional engagement—not through comparison or novelty-seeking.

Finally, we emphasize that the real question is not whether a partner can “compete” with porn, but whether the addict is willing to fundamentally change how they understand and practice attraction. Porn never teaches holistic attraction—it teaches consumption without connection. In recovery, addicts are invited to truly see their partner as a whole human being, appreciating not just physical appearance but character, sacrifice, shared history, and emotional depth. The prognosis for attraction is not fixed or predetermined; it is shaped by choice, maturity, and investment. When attraction is approached holistically, porn cannot compete—and many addicts find that what they feared was lost forever is something they are only just beginning to discover.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   After Years of Porn Use, Will I Ever See My Partner as the 'Most Attractive" Person in My Life?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This episode (#310) examines one of the most complex issues couples face after sexual betrayal: determining which details about an addict’s behavior genuinely help the betrayed partner heal, and which unintentionally deepen her trauma. When discovery occurs, a partner’s neurological fight-flight-freeze system activates, compelling her to search for every possible detail to regain safety. Drawing directly from Dr. Minwalla’s concept of Integrity Abuse Disorder, we explain how the addict’s secret sexual basement—and the manipulated reality that hides it—creates profound emotional and psychological abuse. The partner’s desire for information is not curiosity; it is a survival response to having lived in a world where truth was withheld.

The episode distinguishes between helpful disclosures that rebuild shared reality (timelines, behaviors, frequency, categories of sexual contact, and STI-related information) and harmful disclosures that load the partner’s mind with unnecessary and intrusive content. Details like physical body features, sexual positions, explicit phrases, porn search terms, or exact locations provide no increased safety or accountability. Instead, they create trauma triggers the partner will carry into daily life for years—images that do not help her move forward and often make healing far more difficult.

Because both addicts and partners are emotionally overwhelmed in the early stages of recovery, we stress the vital importance of formal therapeutic disclosure and the dangers of “trickle disclosure.” Without clinical guidance, couples often share information impulsively during moments of crisis, leading to retraumatization rather than relief. We teach addicts how to hold boundaries that protect the partner—not by hiding truth, but by committing to share everything in the safe structure of therapy. Ultimately, the article reinforces that transparency is essential and partners deserve the full truth, but truth must be delivered wisely. When done with support, honesty becomes a pathway to grounding, stability, and genuine relational rebuilding rather than a new source of trauma.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   When are Specific Details about an Addict's Behavior Helpful or Harmful for a Partner?  

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 309, Mark & Steve address a PBSE listener's questions about "Integrity abuse," which is a relational pattern where one partner chronically violates core commitments—honesty, transparency, fidelity, emotional responsibility, and safety—through secrecy, deceit, manipulation, and strategic omission. Unlike overt emotional or verbal abuse, integrity abuse often operates quietly, making it harder to recognize and name. It creates a manufactured version of reality in which the betrayed partner unknowingly lives while the addict maintains a separate, hidden world of acting out. Although integrity abuse frequently accompanies addiction, it is distinct from addiction and stems from repeated choices to conceal, distort, and protect a double life.

These behaviors—gaslighting, compartmentalization, minimization, rewriting history, exploiting trust, and creating a false sense of safety—form an entire system designed to avoid accountability while keeping the partner emotionally invested and off-balance. This system is often maintained for years, leading the partner to doubt her instincts, question her sanity, and internalize the blame for relational confusion she cannot fully understand. The manipulation is so subtle and sustained that partners often sense something is wrong long before they have language for it, but they are repeatedly led to believe the problem lies within themselves.

When the truth is finally revealed, the impact on the partner is profound: identity collapse, reality collapse, hypervigilance, panic, sexual shutdown, emotional isolation, and deep attachment injury. She realizes she has not only been betrayed but has been living inside a fabricated version of her relationship. Naming integrity abuse gives betrayed partners validation and helps addicts grasp the full extent of the harm caused—not just through acting out, but through the systemic erosion of safety and truth. This clarity becomes the foundation for authentic recovery, real accountability, and the rebuilding of trust based on transparency rather than illusion.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  What is "Integrity Abuse" and How does it Impact the Betrayed Partner?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This episode (#308) focuses on a partner whose body has completely shut down sexually after decades of betrayal, manipulation, and sexual violation—including being touched while unconscious. We explain how her body has not suddenly changed since disclosure; it has been adapting for years to a marriage that was unsafe long before she understood why. This long-term exposure to deception and boundary-breaking creates what we call “complex trauma shaping,” where the nervous system rewires itself to avoid sexual intimacy because it associates vulnerability with danger.

We also dive deeply into the concept of Integrity Abuse Disorder and how the husband’s years of secrecy, gaslighting, and emotional inconsistency created an “intentionally manipulated reality” for his wife. Even though he may now be in recovery, his emotional reactions—his “sad tantrums”—trigger her old trauma and reinforce the message that he values sexual access more than her emotional safety. This dynamic retraumatizes her and deepens her shutdown, proving to her body that intimacy remains unsafe.

Healing requires him to take responsibility for the full impact of his actions by engaging in what Dr. Minwalla calls “mountain work”—seeing the complete devastation the betrayal caused. Only then can he show up with true empathy, accountability, and emotional regulation. For her, healing means continuing to listen to her body, honoring its wisdom, and working with professionals to slowly rebuild safety. When both partners engage in this work, intimacy can eventually be rebuilt—not through pressure or obligation, but through genuine safety, trust, and connection.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   Why My Body Shuts Down:  Understanding Sexual Trauma Responses After Years of Betrayal

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode 307, Mark & Steve respond to an all-too-common history and situation submitted by a betrayed partner. Healthy sexual intimacy after betrayal cannot simply return to what it once was; it must be rebuilt on a new foundation of authenticity and safety. Because pornography shapes the brain and rewires arousal patterns, couples often find themselves questioning what’s real, what’s healthy, and whether desire is rooted in connection or in old fantasy. Many partners struggle to trust, and many addicts struggle to trust themselves, creating a complex emotional landscape that must be navigated with care. This healing begins by evaluating intention and headspace—asking not what partners want to do sexually, but why they want to do it and what meaning it carries.

From there, intimacy must be rebuilt through trust and transparency. Couples need to be able to talk openly about sexual preferences, fears, boundaries, and emotional needs before engaging physically. Silence or lack of objection is not consent; safety must be mutual, expressed, and explicit. Boundaries should be set outside of arousal states, and couples may need to slow down significantly—sometimes even stepping back to basics like hand-holding or non-sexual touch—while they rebuild a foundation that can hold the weight of deeper connection.

Ultimately, recovering sexual intimacy after sexual toxicity is an evolving journey, not an achievement. It requires vulnerability, patience, and willingness to explore together rather than perform or comply. When couples move intentionally through this process—anchoring their sexuality in meaning, emotional presence, collaboration, and shared values—they often find themselves creating a sexual connection that is deeper and healthier than anything they experienced before recovery.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   How Do We Discover/Recover Healthy Sexual Intimacy After Sexual Toxicity and Betrayal?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This episode (#306) addresses a common but painful question from betrayed partners: “Is my spouse a narcissist, or just showing narcissistic tendencies?” Mark and Steve explain that while the term “narcissist” has become a cultural buzzword, true narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is rare and defined by a complete absence of empathy. In contrast, addicts in denial often appear narcissistic because they’re reacting defensively from fear and shame. Their hurtful behaviors—blame-shifting, gaslighting, and emotional withdrawal—mimic narcissism but stem from self-protection, not superiority.

The hosts emphasize that what matters most isn’t the label but the destination. Whether the issue is narcissism, addiction, or emotional immaturity, the key question is: Where is this relationship heading if nothing changes? The described situation clearly reflects an abuse cycle—one fueled by denial, volatility, and manipulation. For the addict, breaking that cycle means pausing reactivity, taking full ownership, and seeking specialized recovery help rather than generic therapy. True healing begins only when defensiveness gives way to empathy and accountability.

For the betrayed partner, safety and support come first. Isolation only deepens the trauma, so finding community through trusted friends, family, or support groups like S-Anon and SALifeline is essential. She must set firm boundaries and remember that protecting her partner from consequences is not the same as loving him. The episode closes with practical resources—including books like The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents—and a hopeful reminder that even deeply wounded couples can rebuild when they both commit to truth, humility, and genuine change.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   Is My Partner a "Narcissist" of does he just have Narcissistic Tendencies?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This episode (#305) opens with a raw letter from a betrayed partner who discovered her husband had been using social media photos of women they both knew—friends, clients, even family—to fuel his sexual fantasies. Her anguish—“How could he ever love me if he could do this?”—captures the emotional devastation of betrayal trauma. We discuss how porn and sex addiction warp the brain’s functioning, turning sexual stimulation into a survival need. When addiction takes over the limbic brain, logic, empathy, and morality shut down, producing behavior that makes no sense to the healthy mind.

For betrayed partners, healing begins not with fixing him, but with caring for themselves. That means seeking outside support, reframing “How do I get over this?” into “How do I attend to my trauma?” and embracing acceptance—not as approval, but as facing reality so they can make empowered choices. From there, the partner can form clear, self-protective boundaries based on her authentic needs. Boundaries aren’t about controlling the addict—they’re about safeguarding one’s own integrity and safety.

For addicts, true recovery demands brutal honesty and a willingness to dismantle the lies that keep them in the “secret sexual basement.” They must uncover the emotional roots of their addiction, stop reacting defensively, and take proactive leadership in rebuilding trust. Healing requires outside accountability, transparency, and a daily commitment to growth. Ultimately, both partners must walk their own journeys—she toward safety and truth, he toward honesty and maturity. Whether they reunite or not, redemption is possible when both confront reality with courage, humility, and integrity.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  My Porn Addicted Partner uses photos of Family & Friends to Fantasize! What Do I Do?!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services