Episode 260 explores the emotional challenges faced by partners of individuals struggling with addiction, focusing on reclaiming happiness and self-worth despite the heartbreak of repeated relapses. It begins by addressing the toll betrayal takes on trust and identity, emphasizing the need for partners to step away from old coping mechanisms and prioritize their emotional well-being. The concept of radical acceptance is introduced as a transformative tool, helping partners embrace the reality of their situation without blame or denial while focusing on areas where they have control.

The importance of boundaries is central to this discussion, with practical examples on how to create and uphold boundaries that protect emotional health and align with personal values. The article highlights the significance of self-compassion, engaging in fulfilling activities, and seeking supportive communities or professional help to rebuild resilience and self-worth. Betrayed partners are encouraged to rewrite their narrative, shifting from victimhood to empowerment.

Finally, the article underscores that happiness is a self-driven journey independent of an addicted partner's choices. By taking ownership of their happiness, partners can create a foundation for strength and stability while pursuing dreams and aspirations that reignite a sense of purpose. It is a call to action for partners to step into their power, build a fulfilling life, and embrace healing as a possibility.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "How Do I Get to Find Happiness Again When My Addict Partner Keeps Relapsing? How can I be OK, No Matter What?"

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

The inspiration for Episode 259 comes from a heartfelt submission we received from a betrayed partner. Her words encapsulate a struggle that many couples in recovery face. She wrote:

"It has been 18 months since D-Day, and my husband has been sober for six months. Recently, he went on a work trip, which already triggered a lot of anxiety for me. While he was there, I received a receipt for a movie he watched that contained nudity and sexual content. Even though I trust that he skipped the raunchy scenes, the issue is that there was no consideration for how this would make me feel.

This has been a common theme in our marriage. I have so much compassion for how he got here, but it doesn't seem to go both ways. His sobriety is there, but the selfishness and entitlement don’t seem to be shifting. I’ve asked for an in-home separation because I can't keep living like this. How can I get him to understand how much this hurts?"

These words hit home for so many couples navigating recovery. Sobriety may be present, but without consideration—the conscious choice to think about your partner’s feelings and anticipate their emotional needs—the pain lingers.

Consideration is a vital element in the recovery and healing process, going beyond sobriety to rebuild trust and foster emotional safety. It requires intentional, proactive efforts to understand and empathize with a partner's emotional world, especially in the context of betrayal trauma. Through actions that reflect care and awareness, such as pausing to think about how decisions may impact a partner, consideration demonstrates that their feelings matter. This practice bridges the gap between sobriety and intimacy, as shown in the story of a husband whose thoughtful choice to prioritize his wife's emotional safety became a turning point in their marriage.

Despite its importance, practicing consideration is challenging due to significant barriers. Addicts often struggle with emotional awareness, fear of vulnerability, and habits of selfishness rooted in their addiction, while betrayed partners face fears of being hurt again, hypervigilance, and difficulty trusting changes. Both partners may also lack healthy examples of consideration from their past, making it harder to implement. Overcoming these barriers requires consistent effort, including pausing to reflect, validating a partner’s feelings, and taking proactive actions that demonstrate thoughtfulness and care.

When practiced consistently, consideration transforms relationships by fostering trust, collaboration, and emotional connection. It allows betrayed partners to feel valued and chosen, while helping addicts break free from selfish patterns and grow emotionally. This practice turns recovery into a shared journey, where both partners link arms and work together to create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Programs like Dare to Connect offer tools and guidance to integrate consideration into daily life, enabling couples to experience the profound healing it can bring.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "The-powerful-potential-of-consideration-in-recovery-the-betrayal-trauma-healing-process"

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In relationships and personal growth, conflicts often become fixated on facts—what happened, what didn’t, and who’s to blame—while neglecting the deeper emotional needs driving these disputes. Facts feel safer and easier to articulate, offering a shield against vulnerability. However, this focus on logistics often leads to surface-level arguments that fail to address the real issues, leaving partners feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Beneath every disagreement lies an unmet emotional need, such as feeling valued, prioritized, or connected, but these underlying truths are often buried beneath layers of factual disputes and miscommunication.

The article highlights the importance of shifting focus from facts to feelings, using real-life examples to illustrate how emotional vulnerability can transform relationships. For instance, a husband in recovery who paused to consider his wife’s emotional needs before engaging in a triggering behavior created a breakthrough moment of connection. This act of prioritizing her feelings over rigid boundaries allowed the couple to address the core issues driving their conflicts, building trust and intimacy. Balancing facts with feelings requires practical strategies such as leading with vulnerability, setting clear discussion boundaries, and reframing conflicts as opportunities for growth.

Ultimately, the article urges individuals and couples to fight the “right war” by connecting with their emotions and communicating with intentionality. Pausing to ask what’s truly at stake in a conflict helps avoid getting lost in the “fog of war” and ensures that both partners address the underlying needs behind their disputes. By integrating self-awareness, emotional honesty, and vulnerability into their interactions, couples can build stronger, more meaningful relationships where trust and connection thrive.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "Are You Fighting the Right War: Working Within the Facts, but NOT at the Cost of Connecting with the Feelings?"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 257, Mark & Steve respond to submissions by two different partners in betrayal trauma healing. Navigating the complexities of philias, fetishes, and taboo behaviors in the context of addiction and recovery can be challenging for both addicts and their partners. These behaviors often stem from factors such as exposure to pornography, trauma, or unique life experiences that shape an individual’s arousal template over time. The escalation of pornography use into increasingly taboo behaviors can reinforce unhealthy patterns, particularly when paired with masturbatory conditioning. Understanding these influences and their impact on the relationship is essential to determining whether such behaviors are healthy or detrimental.

Key to this understanding is evaluating how these behaviors affect vulnerability, respect, safety, authenticity, and connection within the relationship. Healthy sexual behaviors strengthen intimacy, trust, and presence, fostering deeper emotional and physical connection. In contrast, addiction-driven behaviors often disconnect individuals from reality and their partners. Open communication, free from judgment, is crucial to exploring these issues. Partners must feel empowered to express their fears, boundaries, and preferences, ensuring that mutual respect and alignment with personal values remain at the core of the relationship.

For couples facing these challenges, solutions include honest dialogue, professional guidance, and, if needed, a sexual “reset” to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy. By reflecting on the impact of these behaviors and committing to shared growth, couples can redefine their relationship in ways that align with their authentic selves. While the process can be difficult, it offers the opportunity to deepen connection, foster healing, and move forward in recovery with greater empowerment and understanding.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:  "My Addict Partner has Certain Philias, Fetishes & Taboo Behaviors. What is the Impact of this on His Recovery & Our Relationship?"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 256, Mark & Steve talk raw and real to the partners of porn/sex addicts whose authentic voices have been "silenced." Silence often becomes a way of life for partners of sex addicts, rooted in past experiences, family dynamics, and cultural norms that discourage authentic self-expression. Many learn early on that their needs don’t matter or that speaking up leads to rejection or conflict. This pattern is exacerbated in relationships with addicts, where manipulation, gaslighting, or neglect make it feel safer to remain quiet. While silence may seem like a survival tactic, it comes at a steep cost—fueling anger and resentment, diminishing self-worth, and preventing relationships from evolving into deeper, more authentic connections. Over time, these suppressed emotions and unmet needs create disconnection and imbalance, leaving partners feeling isolated and unfulfilled.

Breaking free from silence requires partners to reconnect with their self-worth and recognize that their value is independent of others’ validation. Practicing self-advocacy, even in small ways, is crucial to rebuilding confidence and learning to express needs and boundaries. Establishing boundaries protects emotional well-being and helps partners reclaim their voice in a healthy way. While fear of rejection is a common barrier, it’s important to remember that relationships worth keeping are those where both partners can express themselves honestly and be heard without fear of judgment or invalidation.

Rediscovering your voice is not just about speaking up—it’s about reclaiming your identity and creating a life of authenticity and empowerment. This process may require support from safe spaces like therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. As partners practice authentic communication and challenge fears, they foster deeper connections with themselves and their loved ones. Ultimately, relationships where both individuals can express their true selves are healthier, more fulfilling, and sustainable. By finding your voice, you take the first step toward building a life rooted in respect, mutual growth, and healing.


For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Why Do I Go Silent As the Partner of a Sex Addict, and How Do I Healthily Break Free of This?"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 255, we talk about one of the most common stories we hear: a partner stuck in the rinse-and-repeat cycle of addiction and betrayal, trying desperately to keep the relationship afloat. We received an emotional, raw submission from a listener—“Heartbroken and Exhausted Wife”—who articulated her pain, frustration, and fatigue so clearly that her words resonate as a voice for countless others in similar situations.

Her journey reflects years of enduring her husband’s addiction to pornography and sexual behaviors. Over their 23-year marriage, the cycle has repeated itself again and again: discovery, apologies, promises of change, followed by a temporary calm before everything falls apart once more. This pattern isn’t just exhausting—it’s soul-crushing. It leaves partners wondering how much more they can give before they’re completely depleted.

The heartbreaking truth is that no matter how much love exists in a relationship, trust and safety are essential. Without these, even the strongest bonds begin to erode. Her love for her husband hasn’t waned, but her ability to trust him has been battered by broken promises and actions that don’t align with his words. It’s no wonder she’s reached a point of despair, questioning how to move forward.

For those of us who have lived through addiction—on both sides—it’s painfully clear how this happens. Addiction thrives in cycles. For the addict, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of avoidance, short-term fixes, and empty promises. For the partner, it’s easy to become consumed by the effort to keep things together. But unless the cycle is broken, both people remain trapped in their own version of suffering.

In this episode, Mark & Steve get deep and personal in offering empathy and solutions for betrayed partners. They also talk directly to porn/sex addicts about what "real" recovery looks like. And why there is great HOPE for couples who find themselves in this deeply difficult place.


For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "My Partner Relapses, Says He's Sorry, Does Better for a Time, Then the Whole Cycle Starts Again!"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In PBSE episode 254, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a man who has been married for 45 years and for many of those years, the sexual relationship between he and his wife has been very broken. The reasons are multifaceted and very complex. These include—the horror of emotional and sexual abuse his wife endured during her growing up years; an extremely rigid and shame-based religious culture which they both grew up in and continue to participate in; his periodic use of pornography; his anger and emotional abuse towards his wife; and other factors. He desperately wants to repair the damage he has done and find a way to heal the emotional and physical relationship in his marriage. Mark & Steve not only address the issues that this listener submitted, but the most common issues couples face in connection with healing sexual wounds, creating sexual safety and building a truly healthy sexual relationship. 

This PBSE listener and his partner's situation is very complicated, with a lot of moving parts:

• Her past abuse/betrayal
• Trauma and betrayal within the relationship
• Rigid religious background
  • Shame surrounding sex; lack of open communication
  • Misinformation surrounding sex
  • Sexual secrecy

Although this situation does have some unique elements, it brings up a lot of common struggles for couples, both in and out of recovery:

• The changing physical dynamics of sexual expression/reciprocation in an ongoing, long-term committed relationship
• The constantly evolving state of a relationship as a whole
• The need for ongoing, vulnerable discussion in a coupleship regarding the various elements to intimacy, including the physical
• We all have existing “sexual paradigms”—what sex or different sexual acts mean; how critical it is; how it impacts the rest of the relationship, etc. Are willing to step back to openly assess where these paradigms come from; challenge them; be flexible; etc?

Really exploring a coupleship’s sexuality means backing up from preconceived “norms” around sex acts and forms of physical expression:

• As a coupleship, you have the right/obligation to determine how and what you would like your physical and sexual relationship to look like, as well as what it means and represents. 
• Mark gives the real-life example of an acquaintance whose wife had a stroke and was permanently paralyzed from the chest down—after tenderly caring for her for a decade, he said it was the most intimate, loving and connected 10 years of their marriage.
• YOU are the sole architects of your own relationship—you get to collaboratively build it into what YOU want!

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Sex in Our Marriage has Always Been "Broken." How do we Repair and Heal it?"

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

With Episode 253, we just crossed the “One Million Downloads” threshold! And we’re in 204 Countries/Territories worldwide! Thank you to all of our PBSE listeners across the planet! None of this is possible without YOU!

In this episode, we address a betrayed partner's questions about the role of pornography in a relationship. Here's what she submitted—

Hello, I know you talk about how porn isn’t healthy or true intimacy, but what happens when your partner says they use porn to better learn how to please their partner? I ask because I’m a part of a couple of support groups, and there are a good number of women who share that this is the approach of their porn-addicted partners. I know it’s an excuse, which if anything is an understatement. Is it to possibly do a podcast specifically on this? We all know porn is NOT how to learn how to please your partner, and ultimately it’s a cop out to continue in addiction. In other words, their porn brain justifies it. I do want to note thankfully this isn’t my husband’s mindset, and have to thank both of you for the podcasts you post. My husband has shared it has helped him not feel alone, or attacked, and has helped him stay in active recovery. 

Over the last couple of decades, we have run into this rationale too often! Where does this come from?

• Our heavily “sexualized culture” is a “grand set-up” from our earliest youth!
• Sadly, too many of our teens look to porn as their primary “sex education”
• Teens and young adults feel “pressured” to “be in the know”
• There is the whole “addiction pandemic” at younger & younger ages—and then all of the “defense mechanisms” to protect that addiction

What role do you want “sex” to play in your relationship???

• What is “holistic intimacy”? 
• How does “porn” get in the way of that “intimacy” and healthy sexual intimacy as a part of that “whole”?—
  • Because this is all being “dictated” to you, you nearly completely miss the whole communication, exploration, and collaboration experience!!! In essence, it is NOT “sex your way,” it’s “sex their way”—from an “intention” that is entirely manipulative, usury and ENSLAVING!  
  • Porn as a “source” of so-called information and instruction is a WHOLLY distorted, fake, inaccurate, filled with lies & manipulation and BASED ON THE DEEPEST FORMS OF HUMAN EXPLOITATION & ABUSE KNOWN TO MANKIND!
  • In other words, not only is it poisonous, it isn’t even accurate or “educational”! And has NOTHING to do with “true intimacy.”

Porn has the potential to impact your capacity for feeling happiness in general!

• A brief discussion about the hedonic set points & the rewiring of the Dopamine System:
  • Recurrent, compulsive exposure to selective, isolated elements can begin to manipulate and change the way you feel pleasure, and how much of it you are able to feel
  • On a chemical level, it can become more difficult to experience pleasure, more difficult to overcome sadness, etc. 
  • Radically alters the focus of the coupleship, and imbalances the priorities that introduces instability, emotionally and otherwise.

Take back ALL sexual aspects of your relationship! Do NOT allow it to be highjacked & manipulated by outside sources. Make it what the two of you want it to be; a healthy, connecting part of your overall WHOLE relationship intimacy!

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to:  "I Use Porn to Learn How to Please my Partner. That's Healthy . . . Right?"

In Episode 252, we talk about how our “Culture of Empowerment” at D2C came about; our PASSION for PARTNERS finding their EMPOWERMENT . . . (and addicts of course, but this episode is about partners)

The seeming BLARING CONTRADICTION of a betrayed partner “owning her side of the street”!—

• Betrayed partners find themselves in a variety of situations—
  • The addict partner is not engaged in recovery at all
  • The addict partner is kind of half-in-half out
  • The addict partner is working it hard and consistent, but the betrayed partner feels like she’s “lagging behind” (which is a “misnomer,” VERY common and a natural, normal part of healing and increasing safety
• What does it mean to “LIVE IN EMPOWERMENT”?
  • First, what does it NOT mean? It in NO way means that:
    • The addict’s behaviors are in ANY way the fault of the betrayed partner—she did not cause this; she does not deserve it; she is NOT responsible to “fix it” and indeed CANNOT
    • ALL of the betrayed partner’s feelings are LEGITIMATE and MUST be heard, acknowledged, validated and addressed.
    • The addict partner absolutely MUST face, own and actively pursue HIS SIDE OF THE STREET.
  • What IS empowerment for a Betrayed Partner—
    • Here is the definition we use in the “D2C Culture of Empowerment”—Here at D2C, our goal is to help you claim your right & power to create and collaborate in your own change, growth & serenity—to EMPOWER YOU! 
    • What are the essential elements for a Betrayed Partner to move into and consistently live in a place of empowerment?
      • Have a healthy, safe, supportive space to express your FULL feelings WHATEVER they may be and WHY you are feeling them (“What is under this?”) NOTE: this support, at least for a good while,  is nearly NEVER your addict partner!) Examples include—Support Group; Therapist; trusted/safe family member/friend; Dare to Connect . . . 
      • Response–ability & Account–abitilty: we cannot change what we cannot own. Recognizing “my next right thing” in ANY situation is critical to staying in a place of empowerment. Refusing to be pigeon-holed into a victim role means recognizing my options, whatever they may be, in ANY situation. There are ALWAYS choices, even if those choices are uncomfortable.
      • Become VERY clear and specific about your Authentic Wants & Needs in your individual life and in the relationship. Learn the skills to express these in a healthy way.
      • Surround your wants and needs with clear, specific BOUNDARIES and couple these with VERY clear, specific outcomes/consequences—NOT to control his side of the street, but to keep your authentic self, wants and needs protected.
      • KEY—a betrayed partner living in empowerment does NOT in ANY way release the addict from ANY level of responsibility and accountability—in fact, it actually places those things MORE on his shoulders and STRICTLY on his side of the street.
      • Also—what an addict chooses to do or not do, does NOT control whether or not the betrayed partner can or will live an EMPOWERED LIFE. What it DOES directly impact is whether or not the couple can COLLABORATE, be a team, have each other’s backs and BE COMPATIBLE.  

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to:  "As a Betrayed Partner, How do I Live "Empowered" Regardless of what my Addict Partner Does or Does Not Do?"

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 251, Mark & Steve respond to a submission by a betrayed partner who is a regular PBSE listener. She describes a long-term, ongoing situation with her partner who struggles with porn use. In the beginning of their relationship, they both agreed that his porn use would not be considered, "cheating." But then a number of years into their relationship, she happened across an online account of his and actually witnessed first-hand the porn he was viewing. It was so shocking to her that she approached him to let him know that she DOES consider his porn viewing cheating. He was surprisingly agreeable and cooperative. He got into recovery, did well for awhile, and then the whole cycle started again—her discovering his use; him lying, denying and gaslighting; then finally coming clean and getting back into recovery.
 
Then, he began "debating" whether or not he has an actual "porn addiction" and insists that in order for him to continue in recovery he MUST have a professional give him an absolute "diagnosis" of addiction or it really isn't a problem. Here's what she submitted about this—

 I am so angry. Can’t he see that if he is unable to prevent himself from watching porn AT WORK that this is a problem???  His “slips” happen every few months or so, and I think this is why he believes that it’s not an addiction…. So my big question…. At what point do you consider porn use to be an addiction? To me it seems like it’s neither here nor there as it’s a behavior he has been unable to discontinue, no matter how infrequently it happens. I believe he needs support and tools to help navigate this habit, but it seems as though he believes not having a “diagnosis” means he doesn’t have a problem…

In this episode, Mark & Steve get raw and real about how porn addiction is a topic that often elicits confusion and doubt, especially when someone isn’t formally diagnosed as an addict. They explore the nuances of defining addiction, the impact of pornography on relationships, and the importance of recognizing unhealthy behaviors—whether they fit into a diagnostic label or not. They dive into the complexity of dealing with a partner’s pornography use, and why waiting for a “diagnosis” is not the best approach for recovery or healing. Mark & Steve address crucial issues for the porn-using-partner; for the betrayed partner; and for the coupleship. 

For a summary article from the transcript of this podcast, go to:  "Unless my Partner is “Diagnosed” as an “Addict,” his Porn Use is NOT a Problem . . . Right?"

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services