The Humans vs Retirement Podcast

You've heard of the sandwich generation — pressed between ageing parents above and growing children below, doing all the lifting.

But nobody's named what happens next.

When your parents have died. When your children have properly left home. When, for the first time since you were eighteen, you are not the support layer for anyone but yourself.

You're an open sandwich. And it is a stranger, lighter, and more disorienting phase of life than anyone tells you.

In this episode, Dan explores the freedom of the open sandwich generation — the giddy Wednesday afternoons on the coast, the guilty lightness of nobody needing you — alongside the quieter beats nobody warns you about: the grief that becomes weather, the strange new promotion to senior generation, and the moment you look around and realise you've quietly become the row at the front.

But the open sandwich is also a test. Freedom without structure isn't liberation — it's a vacuum. And the retirees who thrive at this stage don't feel only the lightness. They learn to hold both, on the same plate, on a Sunday morning, without flinching.

This is the episode that might make you look at the next decade of your life differently.

WHAT YOU'LL TAKE FROM THIS EPISODE

— Why the open sandwich generation is a distinct phase of life that deserves a name of its own — The lightness that feels almost rude, and why you're allowed to enjoy it — The grief that doesn't end — it just becomes the weather — The strange new "promotion" to senior generation, and the moment you notice it — Why freedom without structure is a vacuum, not a reward — Three thoughts on how to compose the plate of your open sandwich decade — Why the retirees who thrive learn to hold lightness and grief on the same plate

CHAPTERS

00:00 — The Sunday morning that feels almost rude 00:50 — Welcome to Humans vs Retirement 01:30 — The sandwich we all know, and what comes after 04:00 — The lightness that surprises you 07:00 — The grief that becomes weather 10:00 — The new row at the front 12:00 — The test inside the freedom 14:00 — Three thoughts, not five moves 17:00 — The composed plate 19:00 — Outro

THE LINE TO REMEMBER

"The lightness and the grief are not opposites. They share the plate."

LINKS AND RESOURCES

Read Dan's essay on the same theme on Substack: https://humansvsretirement.substack.com

Subscribe to The Retirement Fix newsletter: https://humansvsretirement.com

Connect with Dan on LinkedIn: https://linkedin.com/in/danhaylett

Dan's book, The Retirement You Didn't See Coming, is available on Amazon.

IF THIS EPISODE LANDED FOR YOU

Share it with someone who's living in the open sandwich right now — a friend, a sibling, a colleague who's just watched their last child move out or their last parent go. That's how this work spreads.

And if you've got thirty seconds, leaving a rating or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify makes a genuine difference to who finds the show next.

—

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It does not constitute regulated financial advice or a personal recommendation. Dan Haylett is a financial planner regulated by the FCA, but views expressed are his own.

You've got the money. You've got the time. You've got the freedom. So why can't you actually enjoy it?

In this episode, I unpack the Permission Paradox! The reason financially secure retirees still order the cheap coffee, skip the trip, and quietly guard a fortune they'll never spend. It's not a money problem. It's a permission problem. And it's fixable.

FULL SHOW NOTES

Open your banking app. Look at the number. Now answer honestly: when did that number last get smaller because you actually enjoyed yourself?

Not the boiler. Not the tax bill. Not inflation. You — on purpose — spending money on something that made your life better.

If you can't think of a date, you don't have a money problem. You have a permission problem.

That's where this episode starts. And it goes somewhere you probably didn't expect.

What I cover:

The Trap — For forty years, your spending had structural alibis. The bonus paid for the holiday. The salary justified the car. The job title covered the nice restaurant. Retirement vaporises every one of those vouchers, and suddenly there's no external authority signing off on anything. Just you, your money, and a question you've never really had to answer before: Am I allowed?

Why You're Like This (Not Your Fault, Still Your Problem) — Three reasons. Four hundred years of Protestant work ethic quietly teaching you that unspent money is virtue performed in public. Four decades of training the saving muscle and ignoring the spending one. And the uncomfortable truth that a lot of high-net-worth retirees don't actually believe they deserve it. Imposter syndrome doesn't retire when you do. It just changes its uniform.

What's In The Vault — The fears keeping you from spending are almost always fog. "The future." "Care costs." "Inflation." "Something I haven't thought of." When you press on the fog with real numbers, it usually dissolves. You're not protecting against ruin. You're protecting against a story you inherited from people who genuinely did have to worry about the workhouse. You are not your grandfather. You are a millionaire, pretending to be a peasant. And the cost of that pretence is the entire second half of your life.

The Good News — The permission problem is a skill problem. Not a personality problem. Not a values problem. A skill. And skills can be learned. Dan shares what it looks like when people finally flip — and what the three permissions actually are that make it happen.

The Three Permissions — Permission to enjoy what you've built. Permission to spend the window (that active, healthy retirement window is twelve to fifteen years — not thirty). And permission to become someone new.

CHALLENGE OF THE WEEK

Do one thing this week that feels slightly uncomfortable. Order the proper coffee. Book the flight you've been talking about for two years. Pay for something for one of your kids without making a thing of it. Take a Wednesday afternoon off, from nothing. Buy the silly shoes.

Whatever it is — do it once. Notice the sky doesn't fall. Then do it again next week.

That's how the muscle gets built. One flat white at a time.

KEY QUOTE

"You are a millionaire, pretending to be a peasant. And the cost of the pretence is the entire second half of your life."

CONNECT WITH DAN

• Subscribe to The Retirement Fix newsletter
• Follow me over on YouTube
• Connect with Dan on LinkedIn
• Buy Dan's first book, The Retirement You Didn't See Coming

IF THIS EPISODE LANDED FOR YOU

Share it with someone who needs to hear it. That's how this work spreads.

And if you've got thirty seconds, leaving a rating or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify makes a genuine difference to who finds the show next.

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It does not constitute regulated financial advice or a personal recommendation. Dan Haylett is a financial planner regulated by the FCA, but views expressed are his own.

Retirement is sold to you as a gain event. Freedom. Time. Choice. The world is your oyster.

It is, in fact, one of the biggest loss events you will ever go through. And almost nobody warned you.

In this episode, I walk through what actually dies when you retire — the ten things that quietly come off in the first five years and that nobody puts in the brochure. Identity. Status. Mastery. Tribe. Structure. Progress. Stimulation. Purpose. Validation. The future tense itself.

But this isn't twenty minutes of doom. The second half of the episode is the gift: the five moves the people who genuinely flourish on the other side of retirement actually make. The moves that turn the second half of life into the most fulfilling, richest, most genuinely good chapter you'll ever have.

If you're heading into this transition, in it now, or watching someone you love go through it — this is the episode you'll wish someone had played you five years before you retired.

WHAT YOU'LL TAKE FROM THIS EPISODE

• Why retirement is a loss event, not a gain event, and what nobody in the industry will tell you about it
• The three reasons nobody warns you what's coming (and why the third is the most damaging)
• What disenfranchised grief is, and why ignoring it costs you the second half of your life
• The ten things that actually die when you retire
• Why the spreadsheets are the easy bit
• The five moves that separate the retirees who flourish from the ones who just survive
• Why "spend it, or it will quietly spend you" might be the most important sentence in retirement planning

CHALLENGE OF THE WEEK

Sit down — on your own, or with your partner — and write down three things on a piece of paper. Three things you're quietly worried about losing. Or three things you've already lost without giving yourself permission to feel sad about. Don't fix them. Don't problem-solve them. Just name them.

LINKS AND RESOURCES

Subscribe to The Retirement Fix newsletter

Follow me over on YouTube

Connect with Dan on LinkedIn

Buy Dan's first book, The Retirement You Didn't See Coming

IF THIS EPISODE LANDED FOR YOU

Share it with someone who needs to hear it. A friend, a sibling, a colleague heading for the same cliff edge. That's how this work spreads.

And if you've got thirty seconds, leaving a rating or review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify makes a genuine difference to who finds the show next.

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It does not constitute regulated financial advice or a personal recommendation. Dan Haylett is a financial planner regulated by the FCA, but views expressed are his own.

Everyone's worried about people not saving enough. That's the crisis. That's the narrative.

But there's another problem. One the financial industry almost never talks about.

Some of you did everything right — and it cost you everything that matters.

This week, Dan goes against the grain to talk about the people who optimised so well for the future that they destroyed their present. High earners. Diligent savers. Responsible, prudent, disciplined people who maxed out their pensions, lived below their means, and delayed gratification for decades.

And arrived at retirement with knackered knees, an empty marriage, and a body that can't do the things they saved up to do.

This one's for you.

The David story — 68 years old, £1.2m in the bank, house paid off, income sorted. And filled with regret. Not because he failed. Because he succeeded too well — and worked until 66 when he could have stopped at 60.

The narrative that's been selling you a lie — Work hard. Save more. Sacrifice now for security later. That story made sense at 30. But if you're 55 with a bad back and a partner you barely know anymore, it stopped making sense a long time ago.

Why more isn't always better — There is a point of enough. Past it, every extra pound you save and every extra year you work is a net loss. Not financially. Holistically.

The health calculation nobody does — Your knees at 62 are not your knees at 70. Your energy at 58 is not your energy at 68. Every year you defer is a year you're spending an irreplaceable asset. You can't buy it back.

The relationship bill you're racking up — Your partner, your kids, your friends — they didn't pause while you worked. They adapted. They moved on. And you'll find that out when you finally stop.

Six questions to ask yourself right now — Are you staying "just to be safe" when the numbers say you're already fine? Are you mistaking fear for responsibility? Do you even know your enough number?

"You're not banking time. You're spending it."

You might be past enough if:

• The numbers work but you're still saying "just one more year"
• Your health is declining from stress but leaving feels wrong
• You're on track to die with more money than you'll ever use
• You've been saying "when I retire, I'll..." for five years and never pulled the trigger

Look at your actual numbers. Not your fears — your numbers. If you're already at enough, stop. Just stop.

You've already won. Now stop playing.

• 🌐 humansvsretirement.com
• 📩 Subscribe to The Retirement Fix newsletter
• 💬 Got a reaction to this one? Drop Dan a message — he wants to hear it

Humans vs Retirement is hosted by Dan Haylett of TFP Financial Planning. This podcast is for information and educational purposes only and does not constitute regulated financial advice.

What if the most important number in retirement isn't your pension pot — it's 12?

Not 30 years. Not 25. Twelve. That's roughly how many genuinely good, healthy, fully-capable years the average 60-year-old has before energy, mobility, and independence start to meaningfully decline.

And if your retirement plan doesn't account for that? You're planning for the wrong version of your life.

In this episode, I cut through the comfortable retirement myths and get brutally honest about the years that actually matter — and why so many people waste them being careful.

The data nobody wants to hear — UK healthy life expectancy figures tell a very different story to the headline numbers. Life expectancy and healthy life expectancy are not the same thing, and the gap between them should change everything about how you plan.

What "good years" actually means — In your 60s and early 70s, you're still fundamentally capable. You can travel, be spontaneous, and start something new. Then, gradually, things shift. This isn't pessimism. It's biology — and ignoring it is expensive.

The trap of deferral — Most people spend the first decade of retirement living exactly as they did in the last decade of work: carefully. The habits that built the nest egg are now quietly destroying the retirement. Your 60s are not a rehearsal for your 80s. They're the main event.

The front-loading argument — Dan makes the case for front-loading your experiences, energy, and ambition in early retirement — not necessarily your spending. And why a pound spent at 65 on something memorable is worth more than a pound saved at 85 that you're too frail to use.

The maths that matters — 12 good years is 4,380 days. How many of those do you want to spend waiting for a 'right time' that keeps not arriving?

The question that makes people uncomfortable — What are you actually saving for? And if you're financially secure but still living like you're bracing for catastrophe, what was it all for?

The people who get retirement wrong are almost never the ones who run out of money. They're the ones who run out of time. Don't spend your good years preparing for your declining ones.

What's the one thing you've been deferring that you need to do in the next 12 months? What are you actually waiting for? Drop it in the comments, send Dan a message, or tell someone you trust.

• 📖 Dan's book: The Retirement You Didn't See Coming
• 🌐 TFP Financial Planning
• 📩 Subscribe to The Retirement Fix newsletter
• 📺 YouTube: Humans vs Retirement

If this episode landed for you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

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The Retirement You Didn't See Coming

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Episode Description

You're probably not going to run out of money in retirement. Most retirees still have 80% of their savings after 20 years. Couples withdraw just 2.1% annually—half the "safe" rate. Yet 48% of UK retirees are terrified. You're spending your retirement living small to protect against a disaster that's probably not coming.

After 20 years in retirement, most retirees have 80% of their savings remaining. One-third have higher balances than when they started. Couples spend just 2% annually—the 4% rule says they could spend twice that.

The "45% will run out" headlines? Computer models assuming robotic behavior. Real humans adapt. 65% would simply spend less in a downturn.

The data is clear: Most people die with most of their money intact.

• Evolution: Your brain is hardwired to hoard. It kept ancestors alive but makes you miserable.
• Loss aversion: Losing money feels twice as painful as gaining it.
• No paycheck: Every pound spent feels permanent, not renewable.
• Unknown lifespan: You plan for 105 even though the odds are vanishingly small.

You're using Stone Age software for a modern problem.

You saved for freedom and security. But fear makes you say no to everything—the trip, helping grandchildren, the nice restaurant.

You end up living small, carefully, anxiously. You're experiencing the exact financial stress you spent 40 years trying to avoid.

The money grows. You age. The window closes. Experiences slip away.

Then you die with most of it still in the bank.

That worry didn't protect you. The disaster never came.

1. Get a real financial plan - Numbers kill anxiety
2. Reframe spending - It's not loss, it's use. It's why you saved
3. Treat withdrawals as income - Not "dipping into" savings—it's your paycheck
4. Build flexibility - Spend more in your 60s-70s, less in your 80s naturally
5. Practice spending - Start small. Notice the anxiety. Do it anyway
6. Measure differently - Success = did I live fully? Not how much is left

What if the thing you're most afraid of is the thing least likely to happen?

You're worrying about a problem that's not coming while ignoring the one that is:

Time is running out. Your health is declining. The window is closing.

Stop worrying about running out of money. Start worrying about running out of time.

Challenge: What would you do if you knew you weren't going to run out?

Humans vs Retirement - Where data meets messy reality.

Buy My Book

The Retirement You Didn't See Coming

Let's Chat About Your Retirement Plans

Book a time for us to talk

You've worked hard to build your nest egg. Now your adult children are struggling in a brutal housing market, drowning in debt, and navigating unstable careers. You want to help—but how much is too much? Will you enable dependence? Rob them of resilience? And what about your own retirement security? This episode tackles the question every parent wrestles with, but nobody wants to say out loud: should you sacrifice your retirement to help your kids? We explore the competing pressures, the frameworks for thinking it through, and the practical questions that will help you find your answer—without the guilt.

This question sits at the intersection of love, money, values, and generational change. You're feeling competing pressures:

1. You want to help - They're entering a harder world: housing costs, debt, unstable jobs
2. You don't want to enable dependence - You want them resilient, not reliant
3. You've earned this money - You delayed gratification for decades. You want to enjoy it
4. The inheritance question looms - IHT planning, fairness, timing—give now or later?

Everyone has an opinion. Your friends do it differently. Society sends mixed messages. You're stuck in limbo.

Framework 1: Support vs. Rescue

Support: House deposit in an impossible market. Health insurance during job transition. Education that opens doors.

Rescue: Repeatedly bailing out credit card debt. Funding an unaffordable lifestyle. Solving problems they need to learn to solve.

Ask: "Is this help moving them toward independence or keeping them stuck?"

Framework 2: Timing—Now vs. Later

Give now: They benefit when they need it most (30s-40s). You see the impact. Potential IHT savings. You can guide usage.

Wait: Maintain security. Unknown future needs (healthcare, care costs). Flexibility if circumstances change.

The truth: Most people never regret helping when they had the means. Many regret waiting too long.

Framework 3: Equity vs. Need

Equal feels fair. Need-based feels compassionate.

One child struggles financially. Another thrives. One chose meaningful but lower-paying work. One has health issues.

Both approaches can work. Transparency tends to avoid resentment.

Framework 4: The Oxygen Mask Principle

Your first obligation: secure your own retirement.

If you give away too much and run out, you become their burden anyway. Most adult children don't want that.

The question isn't "Can we afford to help?" It's "Can we afford to help without jeopardizing our own security?"

1. What values do we want to pass on? Independence? Family solidarity? Generosity? Different values = different decisions.

2. What did our parents do, and how do we feel about it? Your experience shapes your instincts—for better or worse. Sometimes we repeat patterns. Sometimes we overcorrect.

3. What do our children actually need vs. want? Have honest conversations. "What are the biggest barriers you're facing?" You might be surprised.

4. What are we comfortable with, emotionally? Forget "should." What can you live with? If helping makes you anxious, that anxiety poisons the gift.

5. What's our plan if they ask for more? Jobs are lost. Relationships end. Health issues arise. Do you have boundaries? Can you say no?

6. How do we communicate this? Clear communication avoids misunderstanding. Tell them your plans. Be honest. Your kids aren't mind readers.

There's no perfect answer. No formula. No rulebook.

Some families give generously and strengthen bonds. Some create entitlement. Some don't give at all, and kids thrive. Some kids feel abandoned.

It depends on the people, context, values, and communication.

The worst thing you can do? Avoid the conversation. With your partner. Your planner. Your children.

When money and family mix, silence breeds assumption. Assumption breeds resentment.

Give yourself permission to set boundaries. You're not a bad parent if you say no. You're not selfish if you prioritise your security. You're not weak if you help.

You're just human, navigating a complicated situation with love.

Loving your children and taking care of yourself are not mutually exclusive.

Humans vs Retirement - The messy, emotional, human side of retirement.

Buy My Book

The Retirement You Didn't See Coming

Let's Chat About Your Retirement Plans

Book a time for us to talk

Episode Description

You spent 30-40 years solving major crises. Now you're retired with total freedom, yet you're standing in your kitchen, heart racing, furious because the dishwasher isn't loaded correctly. Why does a misplaced set of keys feel like a military crisis? You have less pressure but feel more wound up than ever. If this sounds familiar, you're not crazy—you're suffering from "Redundant Brain" syndrome. This episode reveals why high-achievers struggle with trivial problems in retirement and gives you a three-step blueprint to fix them.

For decades, your brain solved "Capital P" Problems—sales targets, mergers, logistical nightmares. These gave you competence hits and made you feel necessary.

Then you retired. Those big problems vanished overnight.

Your brain won't power down—it goes looking for work. Since the big problems are gone, it magnifies "little p" problems into full-blown crises.

Work filled three massive voids. When you retire, they open up and your brain scrambles to fill them with anxiety.

Void #1: The Structure Void

• Your schedule was automated: commute, meeting, lunch, deadline
• Now? Infinite empty calendar = decision fatigue
• Your brain creates missions from what's in front of it—a bank queue becomes the "Mission of the Day"

Void #2: The Identity Void

• "What do you do?" had a clear answer: Director, GP, Engineer
• Now you're "Former Someone"
• Your brain over-performs on small tasks to prove worth: the barbecue becomes a military operation

Void #3: The Social Connection Void

• Work provided effortless connection (even moaning about the boss)
• Retirement severs that—you're socially starved
• Your threat-detection goes haywire: neighbour doesn't wave = "They hate you"

Don't tell yourself to "just relax." That's like telling a border collie to chill in a field of sheep—it'll chew the furniture.

Step 1: Design Purposeful Anchors

Schedule non-negotiable appointments with yourself:

• Physical Anchor: "I walk at 8 AM, rain or shine"
• Mental Anchor: "Tuesday & Thursday mornings: Learn Spanish" (feed the beast)
• Social Anchor: "Lunch with John, every Wednesday"

These aren't hobbies—they're the scaffolding of your new life.

Step 2: Shrink the Task

When "Clean the Garage" feels like Everest, your Redundant Brain has turned it into a monster.

Shrink it:

1. Walk to garage
2. Set timer for 15 minutes
3. Pick up ONE item

Reframe the burden into tiny victories. Give your brain the dopamine hit it craves.

Step 3: The Worry Meeting

When a worry pops up at 10 AM: "Good point. We'll discuss at the 4:30 PM meeting." Jot it down.

At 4:30, sit for 15 minutes and catastrophize. When the timer goes off, the meeting is over.

Most "crises" from 10 AM seem silly by 4:30. You're taking back control.

That overwhelmed feeling isn't a sign you're failing at retirement. It's a sign you have a high-performance engine that's just idling.

You spent a career honing discipline, resilience, and problem-solving. Those skills didn't vanish. Use them to build your anchors, shrink the tasks, and manage the worry.

You've crossed the finish line. Now enjoy the prize.

You've saved for decades. The spreadsheet says you're fine. So why can't you book that trip to Italy? Why does buying nice coffee feel wrong? This isn't a financial problem—it's an emotional one. And it's incredibly common.

Money Scripts: The Invisible Backpack

• "There will never be enough"
• "Money is shameful / Rich people are bad"
• "I don't deserve nice things"

The challenge: You've trained for 40 years to accumulate. Now you need to distribute. Your brain hasn't caught up.

The Big Three Emotional Blocks

1. Scarcity Mindset - Tom has £1.8M but won't spend more than £45K/year. The fear isn't rational—it's hardwired.

2. Guilt & Permission - Margaret: retired teacher, £1M saved, felt physically sick before her dream cruise. Guilt steals joy.

3. Identity Loss - David: "I don't know what the money is for anymore." When money was proof you mattered, retirement is existential.

1. Name it, trace it - Where did this belief come from? Does it serve you now?

2. Practice spending - Start small. Buy the nicer coffee. Try a "guilt-free spending account." Retrain your brain.

3. Reframe it - You're not spending down savings. You're converting savings into life.

4. Separate worth from wallet - Your value isn't your net worth. Would you judge your loved ones for enjoying retirement?

5. Talk about it - Money emotions thrive in silence. Get help if you need it.

The difference between anxious wealthy retirees and fulfilled modest ones? Not the account balance. The internal relationship with money.

You're not broken. You're carrying old programming that doesn't fit your new reality.

Share your story: What money emotions are you carrying into retirement?

Humans vs Retirement Podcast - The messy, human side of retirement your financial advisor isn't covering.

Your brain has spent decades as a corporate drug addict, getting its dopamine fix from deadlines, presentations, and feeling important. But when you retire, the dealer cuts you off—cold turkey. This episode explores the neuroscience behind why retirement can feel so devastating, and what you can actually do about it before you clock out for the last time.

The Great Retirement Myth

• Why the "golden ticket" narrative sets us up for disappointment
• The deafening silence after the leaving party
• Understanding retirement as a form of grief

The Science Behind the Emptiness

• Dopamine withdrawal: When the "pings" stop coming
• Cognitive decline after retirement (Whitehall II study findings)
• Loss of identity and social tribe
• Why your brain is "use it or lose it"

The Five-Act Drama of Quitting Work

1. The Run-Up: Excitement mixed with anxiety
2. The Honeymoon: The world's longest bank holiday
3. The 'Oh, Bugger' Phase: When freedom feels empty
4. The Re-Build: The hard graft of reinvention
5. The New Normal: Finding your rhythm

Rewiring Your Brain for a Decent Retirement

Three essential pillars to build before you retire:

Pillar One: Stop Being a Noun, Start Doing Some Verbs

• Redefining yourself beyond your job title
• The "I am..." exercise (10 non-work identities)
• Setting achievable goals for dopamine hits

Pillar Two: Build Yourself a Tribe

• Finding your "Third Place" (beyond home and work)
• Scheduling social connections like board meetings
• Why social connection predicts longevity

Pillar Three: Find a New Rhythm

• Creating a keystone routine to anchor your day
• The art of tinkering: trying things without pressure
• Finding purpose through engagement, not grand passion

• Retirement isn't just a lifestyle change—it's a neurological shock to your system
• The psychological adjustment is as important as financial planning, yet we ignore it completely
• Feeling lost or irrelevant after retirement isn't a personal failing—it's a predictable human reaction
• Your brain needs structure, achievement, and social connection to thrive
• Retirement is a "lifequake" that can clear the ground for a stronger, more authentic version of yourself

• Whitehall II study on cognitive decline and retirement
• The "use it or lose it" principle of brain function
• Cognitive reserve theory
• The concept of "Third Places" in sociology

1. Complete the "I am..." exercise (10 non-work identities)
2. Identify your potential "Third Place"
3. Create one keystone routine to anchor your day
4. Schedule social connections deliberately
5. Start "tinkering" with new activities and interests

Share in the comments: What's one thing you're planning for—or anxious about—for your own retirement?

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