The Leaves of a Victim never more with Steven Wilson

I begin this episode with a Lovecraft story in which the main characters become “brothers” due to circumstance and commonality.

This episode is about the group dynamics of family and the roles we play within the family unit.  I use many things from my education; the one class I taught in college, my own group therapy, and the stories of group members.

I do not go into the roles until part 2.  I am not a strong proponent of strict adherence of modalities within group therapy as I also am not in regards to the family unit.

This episode explores my own experiences as well as a very drooling of empirical data that I used in my dissertation from the 1990’s.

Tonight’s episode is about the problems males have with adult relationships after having been sexually abused as children.

These include: trust, power, intimacy, and sexuality.  

The most important addressed in therapy is Trust.  And the best way to build trust is through honesty.  I talk about the point of disclosure to someone whom you have a relationship with and how it affects the relationship.  I talk about my own troubles with women and the truth about my abuse and how it affects my behavior.

This is something that every guy in my group survivors sessions have had to deal with and some still deal with it today.

I think we never really stop being victims.

In regards to my own life; all I ask of a woman to a chance to love them, and for them to show me kindness and give me time to enjoy them as much as possible.

As I am hypersensitive and needy; my desired outcome may be impossible to achieve.

Toonight’s episode deals with the utility of Art Therapy.

I have been involved in Art Therapy and created a significant amount of artwork based on past trauma; specifically the rape and abuse I suffered in 7th grade.

Members of the adult survivor group found some images disturbing.  I doubt the works will ever be exhibited.  I can’t imagine a gallery willing to take on such a topic in today’s world.

Humans can only take so much before they say enough is enough.

Art therapy sole purpose is healing.  But I think I am as healed as I am ever going to be.  I don’t feel any different than when I started, but now the past trauma is now visual and reminds me constantly of what happened.

I did create art from negative, but is has made art itself ugly now.  I am not saying it is ruined forever, but things feel different with my studio.  It almost feels I like am violated and raped all over again.

This weeks episode is about the utility of therapy.

The group is for men who were sexually abused as children.  The moderator asked the question , “Why come to therapy?”

It was after the session I began to analyze the people in my life outside of the group and to what value or happiness they added to my life.  I wanted to know if I was satisfied or if that was even possible.

As a suicide, I also began to deal with non-linear time; the ability to go back and do things differently or remove mistakes as to change the outcomes for those involved.

Finally, with Me, Myself, and I, I concluded I was the impediment to that desired end.  I am handicapped mentally and emotionally and have no right to continue to blame the teacher that raped me for those things I have done as an adult.

This episode is about Human Value.  This week in group therapy we discussed human value as victims of rape and abuse as children.  The group is Adult survivors of childhood sex abuse.  The group is made up of entirely all men.

I noticed that each person spoke of value as X gives my life meaning.  I didn’t ask why they kept replacing meaning with value but I did follow suit.


This episode I speak of value in terms found in economics, philosophy, and therapy.

I try and not analyze the men as we already have a group moderator.  But this session made me go back to my own past which includes the time I spent in  college.

The poem used for this episode is from Theodore Roethke.

This episode I explore my thoughts about those of us considered to be on the margin of society.

I read from Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Fall of the House of Usher” to add the listener in comprehending the mental health of those who believe they themselves are condemned to suffer; to live a life on the margin because they are excluded from normal society as they are deemed by society as abnormal.

Being a drug addict and a victim of rape as a child this is how I feel.  I feel like I was marginalized when I became a victim of sex abuse by the teacher.  I give you my perspective and a little taste of my college education to explain further about political and social escapism: out of sight, out of mind.

Tonight’s show is about Suffering.  

I incorporate Metaphysics (philosophy and poetry) as the topic in group has come up before and I feel like it will return.

Suffering is relative or subjective and can be done through comparison rationale in the unnatural minds of the sufferer’s, but one must say “I” suffer in order for any healing to take place.  One cannnot say “we” as suffering is relative to each of us.  It doesn’t make if we were in the same car crash or in different car crashes; it doesn’t matter that all the men in the group are survivors of childhood rape and abuse as each of us dealt with the acts differently.

Suffering belongs in metaphysics and ontology as it is meant to be discussed but never setttled upon with any known form of certainty.

Today’s topic is change.  This past week the group moderator spoke about us taking all the negative in our lives and converting it into positive.

It is true that change is possible, but I don’t believe it can be permanent as it is unnatural to maintain life wearing a costume or to go from one costume to another for the sake of normalcy.

Life is about relationships with ourselves and the outside world.  But the relationship with ourself is the most crucial to our quality of life.

To cope with rape and abuse I used drugs and lived a reckless lifestyle, but perhaps I would’ve done these things even with no causation (the teacher).  Maybe I would’ve been impulsive and caused damage anyway.

To be a victim or a survivor.
To be a phony or substitute self may be the only way to survive the rape and abuse I suffered as a child.

This episode is about last week’s group therapy discussion and my interpretation on that session.

I call addicts and victims of sex abuse Scarecrows set upon fields that grow nothing of value.  The field is a metaphor for the field of psychiatry and the current state of our mental health system here in America.

I speak on regrets as grieving and apology and offer a definition of a Scarecrow per Webster’s dictionary.

In this episode I refer to a book by Beverly Engel called “It wasn’t your fault”.  It was a book brought up in a group therapy session that I and two others had read.  I thought it would be a good topic for a podcast.

Her conclusions are based on her 30 plus years as a psychotherapist and as a victim of abuse herself.  She believes that fault will manifest in Shame and that Shame can be negated by what she calls Self-compassion.

I do not agree with her findings, but I respect her hard work and frankness in her own life story to aid the reader in utilizing her solution.

I don’t put much weight into self-help books when things like sex abuse and traumatic events have altered lives forever.   This is just my opinion, and I mean no harm or any disrespect to Beverly Engel or anyone who finds books like this to help them through the storm.