Why is Griffin Colapinto quoting Theodore Roosevelt?

Why did his mother spend his formative years threatening him with homelessness? What are Gabby Medina’s hobbies? And why has Griff's romantic life, at various points, become a subject of interest among anonymous Instagram accounts?

This week on the StabMic, we get them answers.

Griff occupies a strange place in modern surfing. He's one of the best surfers on Earth, deeply spiritual, relentlessly positive, shares his journal entries on social media, quotes dead American presidents, and has also accumulated an online anti-fanbase.

According to Griff, none of it ever really got to him. Years of hard-won self-love saw to that. It did, however, get to his mum, who apparently took the pile-ons personally.

Speaking of his mother, she may also be responsible for much of his success, thanks to a particularly motivating parenting strategy:

"My mum always told me I was going to be homeless. And I was like, 'No I'm not. Watch this.'"

Griff insists he's mostly just a hardworking and genuine person trying to do his best, and sometimes he also likes to party.

Somewhere around the halfway mark, after the world tour comp chat runs its course, the post-heat interview version of Griff exits, and we settle into a nice little picnic bro-date with tea and scones and giggles.

Also joining us this week is our very own Joey Amico, temporarily occupying Dane's chair. His sustained commitment to taking the piss out of Dooma suggests he understands the assignment.