If you're running a team, maintaining your composure is your single most important skill. The slowest heart rate in the room runs the room. I help leaders manage their triggers so they run their teams more effectively. 

Today I want to talk about what to do when you want an employee to change in some way, and you're thinking that they just won't be that into it. How do you "motivate" employees to grow without triggering their resistance? 

If you want people to commit to change, it has to matter to them. The most effective leaders don’t just help their employees set goals—they help them connect those goals to something deeply meaningful. Without this connection, motivation fizzles as soon as life throws a wrench in the works or the next shiny project comes along.

Why Meaning Drives Change

People don’t change just because they “should.” They change because they see the value in it for themselves. When a goal is tied to something personally meaningful, it transforms from an obligation into an opportunity.

Think about an employee struggling with communication. If their manager simply tells them to “speak up more in meetings,” they may view it as a chore. But when they recognize that improving communication will help them become a stronger leader and open doors for career advancement, they’ll be much more motivated to develop that skill — even when practicing feels awkward or scary.

How to Make Change Meaningful

1. Ask Why It Matters – Instead of focusing only on what needs to change, ask, “Why is this important to you?” Keep asking “why” until you uncover a deeper motivation.
2. Connect to Their Values – People are more committed to goals that align with their core values. If someone values creativity, explore with them how a new process might help them be more innovative rather than just more efficient.
3. Link to a Bigger Purpose – Invite people to see how their personal growth could contribute to a larger mission that they care about, whether it’s improving the team, helping customers, or making an impact in their industry.
4. Make It Personal – Tie the change to their aspirations. Instead of saying, “You need to get better at time management,” raise the possibility that, “Improving time management will help you free up more time for the strategic work you enjoy.”
5. Celebrate Progress – Recognizing small wins reinforces the connection between effort and impact, keeping dopamine flowing and motivation high.

The Business Impact of Meaningful Change

When leaders help employees connect change to what truly matters, they see:

• Higher Commitment – People stay engaged because the goal is personally significant.
• Stronger Follow-Through – When change is meaningful, it’s more likely to stick.
• Better Performance – Employees are more motivated when they see the bigger picture.
• Greater Job Satisfaction – Work feels more fulfilling when it aligns with personal values and goals.

The Takeaway

Change isn’t just about setting goals—it’s about making those goals meaningful. When people see the deeper purpose behind their actions, they become more engaged, committed, and successful. As a leader, your role is to help them find that meaning and use it as a driving force for real transformation.

How do you help your team connect their work to what truly matters? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

If you'd like master your mindset and become an unflappable, Trigger-Free Leader, let's talk. Visit HowieJacobson.com to schedule a discovery call.

One of the biggest roadblocks to progress isn’t lack of effort—it’s lack of clarity. When people are unclear about what they’re working toward, they struggle to stay motivated, make progress, or take meaningful action. Leaders who help their teams clarify goals and expectations set the foundation for success.

Why Clarity Matters

Without clarity, people operate on assumptions. A vague goal like “improve teamwork” could mean different things to different people. One team member might think it means more efficient meetings, while another might see it as deeper collaboration on projects. If leaders don’t ensure a shared understanding, they risk misalignment, confusion, and missed expectations.

Consider a manager who tells their team, “We need to be more innovative.” Without a clear definition of what innovation looks like in practice, employees may hesitate to act, fearing they’ll miss the mark. But if that manager instead says, “I want us to experiment with new ideas and test at least three new customer engagement strategies this quarter,” the expectation becomes clear and actionable.

How to Achieve Shared Clarity

1. Define Terms Clearly – If a goal includes vague terms like “better,” “stronger,” or “more effective,” ask, “What does that actually look like in practice?” Break it down into tangible, observable behaviors.
2. Ask for Specific Examples – If someone says, “I want to be a better leader,” follow up with, “What does a great leader do that you’d like to emulate?” This encourages deeper thinking and helps turn abstract ideas into concrete steps.
3. Confirm Understanding – Don’t assume that what’s clear to you is clear to others. Ask, “Can you summarize in your own words what we’re aiming for?” This ensures alignment before moving forward.
4. Create Measurable Milestones – If success isn’t defined, people won’t know if they’re making progress. Instead of saying, “Let’s improve customer service,” set a goal like, “Let’s reduce response times by 20% over the next three months.”
5. Revisit and Refine – Clarity isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process. Regularly check in to see if adjustments are needed and refine the vision as necessary.

The Business Impact of Clarity

Organizations that prioritize shared clarity experience:

• Higher Efficiency – Teams spend less time second-guessing and more time executing.
• Stronger Alignment – Everyone works toward the same well-defined goals.
• Increased Accountability – Clear expectations make it easier to measure success and hold people responsible.
• Greater Motivation – When people know what they’re striving for, they stay more engaged and committed.

The Takeaway

Unclear goals lead to unclear results. As a leader, your role isn’t just to set direction but to ensure everyone understands it in the same way. By defining, clarifying, and reinforcing shared goals, you create a roadmap that drives real progress.

What strategies have helped you achieve clarity with your team? Share your insights in the comments below!

I was brought up to view problems as undesirable. Life would be better without them, and so my knee-jerk response to a problem was always to avoid it, fix it, or eliminate it as quickly and completely as possible.

When we become leaders, we can bring that "kill-the-problem" mindset into our interactions with others and the systems we work within. And given that everybody's busy and we're managing tight deadlines in a complex and unpredictable world, it's natural to want to kill those problems really quickly and thoroughly so we can get back to our "real" work.

But what if some problems aren't barriers, but something much more valuable? What if they are signposts pointing toward meaningful opportunities for growth and improvement?

The most effective leaders understand that every challenge carries the seed of an energizing outcome. Instead of merely solving problems, they reframe them into opportunities that align with a larger vision.

Instead of viewing a problem as a wall, they visualize it as a hidden door, like the bookcase in Young Frankenstein.

Let's say you run a team in which everyone is frustrated by long, inefficient meetings.

The “obvious” solution? Shorten them.

Set a timer. Make everyone stand. Spray a blast of Liquid Ass on the half hour. (Full disclosure: this company is not currently a sponsor of this newsletter, but I can always dream.)

Now meetings are shorter—problem solved, right?

Not so fast. If nothing else changes, the meetings may get done faster, but still be unproductive.

The problem of long, inefficient meetings is actually an opportunity to improve the way the team collaborates and makes decisions.

Instead of "solving" the problem you're facing, take a minute to consider the factors that could underly that problem. For example:

• Are team members too diffident to state their views?
• Does conflict run rampant without a clear path to decisions?
• Are people unprepared for meetings because they don't read the agendas beforehand?
• Does the unit not have clear priorities?
• Are there key players who aren't invited or not showing up to the meetings?

The real opportunity here may be to make meetings more interactive and valuable, or to take a step back and get clear on strategy, or deal with aspects of team culture that aren't optimized for success.

When we rush to fix problems without looking deeper, we miss the chance to create lasting improvement.

1. Identify the Core Problem – Instead of focusing on symptoms, dig deeper. What’s the real issue behind the surface-level frustration?
2. Flip the Perspective – Ask, “What opportunity does this challenge reveal?” Instead of thinking, “We need fewer complaints from customers,” shift to, “How can we create an experience that customers rave about?”
3. Make It Positive – A problem is something to avoid; an energizing outcome is something to pursue. Instead of, “We need to stop losing top talent,” focus on, “How can we create an environment where people want to stay and play?”
4. Connect It to a Larger Purpose – When people see the bigger picture, they become more engaged. Instead of, “We need to cut costs,” shift to, “How can we become more efficient while maintaining our quality and values?”

Leaders who shift from fixing problems to pursuing energizing outcomes create:

• Higher Engagement – People are more motivated when they work toward something exciting rather than just avoiding issues.
• Stronger Innovation – Seeing challenges as opportunities leads to creative solutions.
• Better Decision-Making – Teams focus on long-term improvements rather than short-term fixes.
• A Resilient Culture – Employees become more adaptable and proactive in tackling challenges.

Problems are inevitable, but how you approach them makes all the difference. Instead of treating problems as something to eliminate, view them as invitations toward meaningful change. When you reframe challenges as opportunities, you unlock potential, creativity, and long-term success.

How have you turned a problem into an opportunity in your leadership journey? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Visit askHowie.com to schedule a discovery call.

When you offer to help people who are struggling, they don't always welcome your support with open arms. 

Sometimes, in fact, they'll actively resist your approach, even if your intentions are simply to be of service. 

So what then? What do you do when someone pushes back, shuts down, or even says “no” to your offer of a helping conversation?

The Realities of Resistance

Many leaders make the mistake of seeing resistance as defiance. And they can take it personally, and respond in ways that make everything worse: the situation and the relationship. Which can turn the interpretation of defiance into a self-fulfilling prophecy, because who doesn't want to defy heavy-handed, resentful authority?

But resistance doesn't have to have anything to with defiance. Instead, it could be the result of much more benign forces. 

One of the reasons people don't let you in is their fear of losing control over something important. They may have prior experience with someone trying to force them to do something they don't want to do (especially if they were ever a human child on this planet). 

If this is the big issue, they're not resisting the change per se — they're resisting being changed. 

That's a good thing, because yay for people who value their autonomy!

Another reason people might not want you all up in their business is the implied dynamic of you're up and they're down. If they accept your help, they're admitting that you're somehow better than them. 

Of course, true help and support doesn't have to communicate anything at all about intrinsic self-worth. But again, if someone's life experiences have taught them that needing help means they're weak or unworthy or incompetent, they won't let you put them in that position.

And that's also a good thing, because yay for people who want to take responsibility for their own outcomes and not be dependent on others. 

In both these cases, your most fruitful move is not to insist or push, but rather contribute to the creation of an environment in which they feel safe enough to choose change — and welcome your support — on their own terms. 

So their resistance, rather than being defiance, is both a (generally unconscious) test of your leadership, and an opportunity for deeper engagement.

How to Navigate Resistance Effectively

1. Take “No” for an Answer

• If someone resists your offer to help, don’t force the conversation. Respect their autonomy and say something like, “I understand. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.” Paradoxically, this makes them more likely to return when they’re ready.

1. Don’t Force a “Yes”

• Pressuring someone into agreement doesn’t create real commitment. A forced yes often hides an internal no, leading to passive resistance later. Instead, ensure they feel free to decline, which increases the chances of genuine engagement later.

1. Give Them Space and Time

• Change happens on the individual’s timeline, not yours. If someone isn’t ready today, that doesn’t mean they won’t be ready next week. Let them process and come back to the conversation when they feel prepared.

The Business Impact of Managing Resistance Well

Leaders who handle this kind of resistance effectively create:

• More Trust – Employees feel safe to express concerns and engage honestly.
• Higher Commitment – People choose to change rather than feeling coerced.
• Better Problem-Solving – Teams work through challenges collaboratively instead of avoiding them.
• A Growth-Oriented Culture – The focus shifts from blame to improvement.

The Takeaway

Resistance is not the enemy—it’s a natural part of the change process. The key is to stay patient, listen actively, and allow people the space to come to their own decisions. When you respect others’ autonomy, you create an environment where real transformation can happen.

How do you handle resistance when helping others grow? Share your experiences in the comments below.

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.

Don’t Rely on Your Position of Power: Leading Through Influence, Not Authority

Great leaders understand that true influence isn’t about authority—it’s about trust, respect, and collaboration. While a leadership title may grant you decision-making power, it doesn’t automatically earn you buy-in from your team. In fact, relying solely on positional authority often creates resistance rather than commitment.

The Illusion of Power

Many leaders assume that because they have a title, their team will automatically follow their guidance. However, employees often comply with directives out of obligation, not genuine engagement. This leads to half-hearted execution, minimal ownership, and a lack of innovation.

In reality, employees have more power than many leaders are willing to admit. They can disengage, slow-walk initiatives, or even leave entirely. True leadership isn’t about forcing compliance—it’s about inspiring commitment.

How to Lead Without Relying on Authority

To gain real influence, leaders must shift from a command-and-control mindset to one of collaboration and partnership. Here’s how:

1. Seek Permission, Not Compliance – Even when you’re in charge, asking for input fosters collaboration. Instead of saying, “You need to do this differently,” try “Can we think about ways to improve this?”
2. Empower Ownership – Encourage team members to take responsibility for their own work. Ask, “How do you think we should approach this?” This builds engagement and accountability.
3. Show Humility – Admit when you don’t have all the answers. When leaders model learning and adaptability, they create a culture where continuous improvement is valued.
4. Connect Through Purpose – Rather than directing people toward tasks, connect their work to a larger mission that they care about. When employees see the bigger picture, they are more motivated to contribute.
5. Lead with Empathy – Understand what drives your team members. Acknowledge their challenges and support them in finding solutions, rather than just giving orders.

The Business Impact of Leading Through Influence

Organizations that prioritize influence over authority experience:

• Higher Engagement – Employees are more invested in their work.
• Stronger Innovation – People feel safe to contribute ideas and take risks.
• Improved Collaboration – Teams work together more effectively.
• Lower Turnover – Employees feel valued and are more likely to stay.

The Takeaway

Leadership isn’t about telling people what to do—it’s about inspiring them to want to do it. By leading with influence instead of relying on authority, you build a culture of trust, ownership, and high performance.

How have you successfully influenced others without relying on your position of power? Share your insights in the comments below!

While tooling around inside my YouTube account (because I was procrastinating working on my book), I discovered that I hadn't looked at the comments in over six months. 

As I scrolled through them, I saw lots of appreciative comments, both on my podcast interviews and on my solo talking head videos.

"Oh, this interview helped me so much."

"There are no words to express what my heart is feeling."

"So grateful for this information."

And my personal favorite, the one that touched me the deepest, on a conversation I had with Stephen Porges, creator of Polyvagal Theory:

"Within the first 10 min, your convo elucidates my perpetual struggle in the last 4 years in tech: burning out due to running on the toxic fuel of anxiety and thinking i'm not smart anymore or that i'm lazy. This gives me hope :)"

Hungry for Hearing About Impact

I quickly realized how hungry I've been for this kind of feedback. And how valuable it is for me to hear.

Because I've been publishing my podcast for over a decade now, pretty much every week, and honestly it can be lonely work. 

Aside from the hour that I spend with my guest, which is almost always amazing and uplifting and fun and exciting, the rest of the work is done in solitude. And I've gone weeks, sometimes months, without hearing anything about the effect this work — all unpaid, as a labor of love — is having out in the world.

So to receive these comments fills me with a renewed energy. I can feel it now, coursing through me in the form of new ideas, new people to reach out to, new segments and formats. I'm excited, and ready to manifest that excitement as work. 

We all want to know that our work matters. 

How many people these days work from home, or work behind closed doors, or work on siloed projects, and aren't getting this kind of appreciative feedback on a regular basis?

And what's the impact of that vacuum on their drive, their spirit, and their heart?

So who can you reach out to, to thank, to appreciate, to let them know that their work matters to you?

Feelings and Needs

Of all the comments, the ones that touched me the most were like that last one; telling me how a particular video made them feel, and what kind of need it met.

Which brought my mind back to one of my favorite teachers, Marshall Rosenberg, the developer of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). 

Rosenberg says that most human communication — words and actions — consists of various strategies for saying please. Anger, yelling, cursing, sarcasm, criticism, threatening, hitting — those are all ways of saying "please meet my needs," what Rosenberg calls "tragic expressions of unmet needs."

And I definitely get my share of those "tragic expressions" in response to my work; people who are enraged that I or my guest talked about implicit bias and showed our cards as "social justice warriors," or that I put too much faith in science or too much faith in anecdotal evidence, and let me know that I'm an idiot or a liar or worse.

The other thing humans say to each other is "thank you." And when we express gratitude, we're sharing how someone met our needs, and how that made us feel. 

That's why those comments so touched my heart. They impressed upon me the importance of the work that I do in sharing my guests and their insights with the world.

Your Turn

Who in your life helped you meet a need and made your life better (or as Rosenberg charmingly puts it, "more wonderful"? 

Who can you reach out to, even if it's just a sentence or two on social media (as the commenters did for me), or a short text or voicemail or email to a colleague or vendor? A quick word of appreciation to a friend, a family member, someone in your community.

I encourage you to reach out. Because the more you do, the more people in your world will get energized, like I did, about the impact they're having on other people. And that will make the world more wonderful for all of us.

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.

In one of the most famous psychology experiments on children that didn't involve marshmallows, Robert Rosenthal and Lenore Jacobson told teachers that some of their students had been identified as "growth spurters" by a new intelligence test, the "Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition," given at the beginning of the school year. 

And sure enough, as the researchers wrote their 1968 article, titled "Pygmalion in the Classroom," those students showed significant increases in IQ that year compared to their "non-spurting" classmates.

The kicker? There was no magic prediction test; that Harvard Test of Inflected Acquisition was a total fiction. The "spurters" had been randomly selected from among all the children in the study. 

And those alleged "spurters" responded to the teachers' expectations, which turned into unconscious behaviors that somehow favorited those special students. Rosenthal and Jacobson had demonstrated the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy.

What does this have to do with you helping the people around you get better? 

Everything.

Enough is Enough

When you approach someone who needs to change something about their behavior, it's often been bothering you for a while. You might have been stewing while the pressure was building to do or say something about it. 

In other words, you passed a threshold of tolerance of the behavior, and now you're being motivated at least partly by some "enough is enough" energy.

At this point, you may even be thinking that having the conversation will just be a waste of time.

"Who am I kidding? They're never change." — that sort of thinking.

And that sort of thinking leaks into your words, your facial expressions, your posture, your energy, and your actions. Communicating strongly, if subconsciously, that you don't think much of their potential to change and grow.

Confidence is the Truth

You may be thinking, "OK, so I have to lie to myself in order to have an effective uplifting conversation? I have to pretend that I believe they can change, without the benefit of having a couple of Harvard psychologists lying to me first?"

Fortunately, you don't have to lie to yourself. You just have to distance yourself from frustration and other negative emotions long enough to recognize the truth: you actually do have confidence in the other person.

How do I know this? Am I some kind of mind-reading wizard? 

No. I'm just taking you at face value.

Because if you're having the conversation at all, you're doing so because you believe there is reason to have it. 

You wouldn't spend even one minute trying to convince a fish to climb a tree. 

The very fact that you're having the conversation means that you have at least some degree of confidence that change is possible. (Unless, of course, you're just going through the motions and this is just a CYA or "dot the I's" ritual done as part of a cynical dance of progressive discipline, aka "fire them by the book.")

So before you approach your conversation partner, get in touch with that confidence, as robust or as slim as it may be. 

Remember that your expectations are powerful here. Convey hope and trust, and you'll often be met with attitudes and actions that justify that hope and trust. Communicate doubt and despair, and they'll probably prove you right as well. 

Communicating Confidence

Signaling your positive expectations energetically does a lot of the heavy lifting. And you can also verbalize your confidence in them at the start of the conversation.

Last week we talked about orienting the conversation toward a positive future. 

Right after describing that positive future, share your confidence that they can help you get there. 

Some Examples

Difficult team member: "I’d like to improve the performance of our team, and I think your contributions could be key. I’d like to talk with you about what’s getting in the way."

Salesperson faltering as the deal gets more complex: "You’ve rewarded my faith in you by moving the deal as far as you have. I know this part is new for you, and I’m happy to help you strategize."

CEO can't commit to a long-term marketing strategy, and CMO is frustrated: "So I’d like to talk about our marketing plan. I’m really struggling with it, and I’d like your help."

Your Turn

Think of someone whose behavior you'd like to change. Notice any frustration or anger or hopelessness in your body. Sit with it and breathe, until you can separate yourself from the emotion. (Luckily, you don't have to argue with it or make it go away.)

Now think about why you're having the conversation at all. Why isn't it a complete waste of time? What have they demonstrated in the past that could give you hope for this issue? What are their strengths? How did they get into this position of responsibility in the first place?

Spend time curating and cultivating reasons to believe that they can change. 

Next week, we'll talk about how to transfer ownership of the issue so that it's no longer your problem, but their opportunity. 

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.

"Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who." - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

One of the big problems with feedback is that it refers to the past. 

And one of the big problems with the past is that it can't be changed.

So feedback, by its very nature, directs our attention in an unhelpful direction.

We can't fix the past; we can only act now in pursuit of a better future. 

So if you need to have a conversation with someone whom you'd like to behave differently, shift your focus from what they've done in the past to what you'd like them to do in the future.

The nice thing about starting here is that you're not telling them what they've been doing wrong. You're not criticizing them for past errors. You're not even thinking about anything that automatically triggers their defenses. You're just bringing them your vision of a more wonderful future, and asking for their help in creating it.

The desired future you want to paint has three important qualities. It's positive, clear, and meaningful. Let's look at each of these. 

Make It Positive

Imagine getting into a taxi and telling the driver, "Take me anywhere but the Eiffel Tower." They wouldn't have much to go on, would they?

That's a silly example, but you do something analogous when you tell someone what you want them to stop doing. 

Instead of describing what you don't want, describe what you do want. 

This can be challenging, but take your time on this one. If you can't describe what you want, you're unlikely to get it.

Make It Clear

In addition to a positive description, you need to be clear and specific about what you want them to do and say.

Get as specific as you can. See the movie in your head. Really picture the scenes. Pretend you're a screenwriter trying to convey your vision to actors and cinematographers and a director. 

Make It Meaningful

The third key quality of your desired outcome is that it's meaningful to your conversation partner. You want to ensure that they're doing it for their reasons, not yours.

If they're doing it to get your approval or so that you withhold negative consequences, at best you're getting compliance. Grudging, half-hearted, and abandoned as soon as they think you're not paying attention. 

Instead, be curious and find out what's motivating them. What would be wonderful for them? And how can the behaviors you're wanting help them get that desired future for themselves?

Your Turn

Think of someone who's behaving in a way you'd like to change. 

On paper, describe the behavior that you don't want.

Next, run it through the three "futurizer" filters.

• Make it positive.
• Make it clear.
• Make it meaningful.

Now read what you've come up with. Can you imagine having a conversation with your partner about that?

It’s important to come up with that desired future as preparation for the conversation, but you don’t introduce it right away. There are a few steps to set the foundation for an uplifting conversation that need to happen first. Next week we’ll look at the steps and specific words to get things going in a fruitful direction.

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.

I've watched a lot of submarine movies. And I love how the sonar is pinging constantly, searching for potential threat. When a blip appears on the screen, the crew goes on high alert. 

It might be a whale, or a school of fish. But it might also be an enemy vessel or a torpedo. So submariners take their blips very seriously, and assume danger until proven otherwise.

And when danger is perceived, the vessel has three options: freeze, flee, or fight.  

You are equipped with a similar apparatus. You don't go "ping" every 3 seconds, but your nervous system is constantly scanning your environment for signs of danger. 

And it never rests. You know this because you can sleep through all manner of familiar noise — creaking water pipe, honking car horn, snoring spouse — but your eyes pop awake instantly when you hear an unexpected footfall or turn of a door handle. 

And everyone around you, in your physical or virtual environment, is doing the same thing. 

Which means that you are a blip on their radar, and they're always assessing whether you are a threat or not. 

For Humans, Threats Can Be Psychological as Well as Physical

When you have to talk to someone about their performance, or their behavior, and your agenda includes an element of "I would like to you change how you're doing stuff," it's likely that you're going to signal to your conversation partner that you are a threat.

Basically, that's because the human mind, which evolved to assess actual lethal threat (ie things that could actually kill you, like fire, earthquake, wild beast, starvation, hypothermia, enemy, and so on), also reads its own unwanted emotions as life-threatening. If it thinks a conversation will lead to shame or guilt, for example, it turns on the stress response.

And like the submarine captain, it’ll choose to freeze, flee, or fight. 

None of which helps you or your agenda.

How to Signal Threat

There are two ways to let someone know they're in peril. One is to act like a threat. Look angry, yell, assume a fighting stance and posture. Narrow your eyes and stare at them like a shark regarding a school of minnows. 

That's obvious, right?

What's less obvious is that there's another way to let someone know they're unsafe. And that's to act unsafe yourself. 

That's because humans are extremely social animals, and we pick up on each other's moods and perceptions. 

If I feel scared in your presence, you'll pick up on that fear and your own stress response will kick in. If you think I'm scared because of you, you may be triggered into an aggressive stance. 

If you think I'm scared because of something else in my environment other than you, you may be triggered into an avoidant stance.

How to Signal Safety

You can see how important it is to signal to your conversation partner that there is no threat involved in the conversation you'd like to have with them. 

So how do you signal safety?

First, by dealing with your own physiology, which means dealing with your own psychology.

You must approach them with the energy and behavior of an ally rather than a critic.

If you're upset with them, don't approach — yet. First do the work of translating your anger or criticism into your desired positive outcome. 

Next, play an imagination game where you look for positive motives and intentions behind any behavior of your conversation partner that's upsetting you. How might their actions make perfect sense to them, based on their needs and goals?

Once you've completed these two processes, check yourself — are you able to approach your partner with calm, steady, and friendly energy?

If so, you're ready to approach and initiate the conversation.

Next time, we'll look at how to orient the conversation toward a positive future. 

Your Turn

Think about an upcoming conversation that you’re dreading. Imagine yourself approaching with your current thinking and energy, and notice how your partner responds. Now go through the two steps — articulating your positive needs and assuming positive intent in your partner — and visualize your approach again. Do you see and feel the difference?

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.

Do you have a dreaded conversation in your future?

By “dreaded conversation,” I’m talking about one that you’ve been procrastinating because you don’t want to experience it. 

Maybe you’re worried about making them feel bad by telling them some not-so-nice things.

Maybe you’re worried about getting frustrated and losing your cool.

Maybe you’re worried about saying the wrong thing and making the situation or relationship worse.

And yet, you know that putting off the conversation until tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow isn’t going to help. 

The issue isn’t going to resolve itself. 

It might even fester and get worse.

And you might become more and more upset and resentful, until you explode in a flurry of highly unskilled (read "apeshit crazy") speech that might destroy the relationship.

When I coach or train people to have what they think of as “dreaded conversations,” what they’re mostly looking for is techniques.

Basically, they want me to tell them what to say. The magic words that will compel the other person to listen, agree, and change.

They want to know things like:

• What's the best way to start?
• What do I say to disarm their defensiveness?
• What words do I utter to convince them that they need to change?

I get it.

When I’m at a loss, I also just want someone to tell me exactly what to do.

I don't want a deep dive into underlying principles, just a set of instructions I can follow.

Instructions can be helpful — in certain situations. When things are static, memorizing and mastering technique may be all you need. 

Take, for example, the first three moves in a chess game. If you memorize a dozen classic chess openings, you can probably hold your own against most grandmasters through move number three. 

(And maybe even up to move seven if you employ a pro tip that I learned from high school chess team: learn how to insult your opponent under your breath in Russian.)

That’s because chess openings are predictable.

Once you get into the mid-game, though, knowing a bunch of techniques isn’t going to help you. There are too many variables, and every move can completely change the dynamics on the board.

When things get complex, mastery of technique and tactics loses relevance.

At that point, you have to based your actions on an understanding of fundamental principles.

In chess, those include things like piece activity, king safety, control of the center, pawn structure, and so on. (Also, if your opponent is muttering in Russian, protecting against an immanent attack.)

Dreaded conversations are another place where memorizing and mastering techniques won't help you.

Like in chess, you can memorize a few openings. My favorite is the OCP (outcome/confidence/permission) formula that I teach in my book and in workshops. But there are others, and they aren't hard to master.

Once the other person responds, however, you're firmly in the world of principles, not memorized responses.

To be clear, you will still be using techniques and tactics. But they'll "work" (ie achieve their purpose) only when they're based on underlying principles.

So what are the principles to keep in mind as you navigate dreaded conversations? 

• Principle 1: Signal Safety
• Principle 2: Orient Toward the Future
• Principle 3: Build Confidence
• Principle 4: Encourage Ownership
• Principle 5: Model Curiosity
• Principle 6: Think in Systems
• Principle 7: Evaluate Experimentally

You can remember these, of course, with the acronym SSOTTFBCEOMCTISEE.

We'll explore each of these principles in an upcoming issue of this newsletter. For now, practice noticing when you can get by with techniques (because techniques can save time by being wonderfully efficient short-cuts), and when you must rely on principles.

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.

Bonus Time-Waster

Here are some of my favorite (clean) Russian chess insults:

Твой конь — корова. (Your knight is a cow.)

У тебя мозги как у пешки. (You have the brain of a pawn.)

Ты играешь как рыба. (You play like a fish.)

Troy kone - carova.

Utshi beah mozdi kaku pieshk

Ti grayesh katreba.