The Most Patriotic Podcast in the History of America Ever

Salute to the patriots!! It’s season 2! We’re back here with more of that American bullshit. This week Pat and Drew get back into the swing of things and record the first podcast from different states. Technology is king; bow to your master - the fuckin internet. This was recorded during the super bowl because we don’t give a FUCK about football. The only patriots we care about are the ones who build a podcast sound wall around themselves to keep out background office noise. Let’s get into it:

We don’t even know who’s in the super bowl

Drew didn’t even go to a super bowl party for a snack table

No one seems to care; it’s refreshing

Suburban Dope is back too

We catch up on what’s happened since we took a break

Drew’s been working, doing comedy, adjusting to living alone, and getting his life together

Pat has been depressed #whiteboysgetsadinthewinter

You gotta have a mindset that doesn’t suck, but hey! the mindset of the world sucks right now - so we may as well talk about the news

It’s the beginning of 2019 and we’re about to be bombarded with 2020 election talk for 2 goddamn years

We missed the government being closed. This wall is a 6 billion dollar LOL Doll

Roger Stone got indicted

Pat finally watched Get Me Roger Stone on Netflix. You need to go watch it. They were all so happy to tell on themselves and it’s right there on Netflix.

The same 4 or 5 white dudes have been in control of every Republican candidacy and presidency since Nixon

Roger Stone has A TATTOO OF NIXON ON HIS BACK…. LIKE AN ASSHOLE

Roger Stone has Eminem energy

They’ve been planning trump since 198-fuckin-8

If nothing else at least these indictments will weaken the machine

New segment: Wait, Who the Fuck’s Running for President?

We break down the democratic hopefuls - Hickenlooper Buttigieg 2020 has our support on the strength of name

Universal Healthcare and Legalize It… you’ll win elections

Come on Bernie! Get in there! Killer Mike would have more black people in the White House than Obama. He’ll have the first inauguration featuring Run the Jewels.

Yo and fuck the super bowl for not allowing a medical weed commercial

Tune in next week for the first episode as a trio with King Petty himself, Rick Stripp. We’re on the fuckin’ internet.

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Episode 37 - King Petty by The Most Patriotic Podcast

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This week we took a break from politics, because UGH, and spend the week talking about the exciting week in hip hop. Also, Pat’s daughter was at his apartment watching youtube videos when Drew arrived so the back half of the episode is devoted to breaking down the poorly made and sincerely confusing videos on youtube that get millions of views. We’re out here.

Here’s a breakdown:

Eminem released a “battle rap” video and it’s stupid. He doesn’t BATTLE anybody! Nice one man show, Em.

Rick must love it

Em may has well have went on stage and jerked off

Jay’s verse on this Meek Mill album is RIDICULOUS - Drew breaks it down line by line

JID and Black Thought dropped this week too… and WOW

Earl Sweatshirt’s record is… bad tho. Get some help dude. This is LAZY.

Meek Mill deserved a win. Good for you. And Philly. Now stay calm Philly. You got a win. Don’t go over reacting and eating horse shit.

To reiterate, Drake’s album this year sucked. Badly.

We go off on how fucking amazing DiCaprio 2 is - because it really fucking is

Also, J Cole is a living hip hop legend, a true artist, and a Buddha

Pat talks about how, as a white hip hop fan, he was always kind of turned off from Jay Z, Biggie, and 2Pac because those artists are who white people who “like” hip hop claim to love - is that somehow racist? It’s pretentious at the very least

White people also claim to love Tribe because “it’s so introspective” - which means you’ve clearly never really listened to it

Drew rants about 2Pac, Biggie, and Jay Z until Pat cuts him off to take an episode break

Pat’s daughter watches a lot of YouTube and it is CONFUSING. No one has any talent. The videos are not interesting.

So many views. So many bad story lines. Props made out of markers and paper. HOW does this happen???

All these people making videos are making them in their mansions in Southern California. They have money already. That’s how this happens.

No talent rich people have found away to make themselves famous. Great.

The hustle is real, but the videos are BAD

Is there a YouTube middle class? Like people who live outside of their means and need to keep turning out content to keep their head above water?

A YouTube channel for adults in the same way they do it for kids.. it’s a great idea, but Drew is moving.

Pat would do it with Rick, but Rick doesn’t do anything

Videos of people playing Granny are fun tho

Drew shows the early YouTube he loved

We did a whole episode with no politics!

We’re on the internet

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Salute to the patriots! In this episode we talk a lot about dumb missionaries, the futility of paying attention to politics, America as a shitty dad, 6ix9ine’s fed charges, and that hustle.

Here’s the breakdown:

Missionaries are the most full of themselves people in the world

We hope you enjoyed your thanksgiving and didn’t talk politics with your racist uncle

Nothing changes in the news anymore

The news is now: who said the dumbest thing this week?

Paying attention to the news is being in an abusive relationship

America is a really shitty dad. And we have a really shitty dad.

When life is going well you don’t want to hear the world sucks

There is no truth. Is there a point in paying attention?

Since Farenheit 11/9 we’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to pay attention

Truth can make you feel helpless

We all have a common enemy so let’s not get lost in the minutia.

The republican mindset is a flight reflex to a changing world

We fired tear gas at the border. If you approach someone with asshole energy you’re going to get asshole energy back.

If you’re being an asshole you can’t call someone an asshole for reacting like an asshole to you being an asshole

Look at Tekashi - the energy you put out always comes back

By this logic trump needs to go down in classic fashion

We only care about shitty energy so of course shitty energy comes back

Honey Boo Boo, Trump, 6ix 9ine, the Kardashians… it’s all the same shit. The Phenomenon of Spectacle

We find that people are backing off of social media, have you noticed this in people you come across?

Everything in life is all about perspective

Have a glass of water, calm down, and listen

We go into the story of the US missionary that went to a remote island that kills outsiders on sight

We compare this tribe and their mindset to what republicans want America to be

We discuss the spirit of giving as we approach the holidays and our Black Friday experiences

Drew talks about the Elmo toys he had as a young adult

Pat hustled LOL dolls last year. Made some money, but didn’t seem worth it.

Drew talks about his past hustles

What are kids hustling these days? Gum? Juul cartridges?

There’s a porn guy in every high school

You gotta go that extra mile to make that bread

The reason most people don’t do more to succeed isn’t because they’re lazy, it’s because they don’t know where to start

If you don’t grasp something, it’s just not for you… and that’s okay

This is the most apathetic podcast in the history of America ever

We’re on the internet.

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Salute to the patriots. Gather around ye pilgrims it’s a patriotic holiday feast on trump’s recent Fox News interview. The puritans are trying to give the media small pox blankets. Be thankful for all the good in your life. And hey, if the shit going on in politics turns you off from paying attention all together that just means you’re disgusted and your moral compass is in order. Be thankful for that.

Here’s your breakdown:

Chris Wallace from Fox News drops in the podcast to talk about how trump’s dick isn’t laughably small

We listen to this trump interview with Chris Wallace from Fox News and give our reaction, and guess what? We don’t like it.

This is less interview more verbal hand job

If you always feel like you need to defend yourself you’re guilty

Trump talks about his presidency like a person lying about seeing a movie that they didn’t really see

This Thanksgiving, no politics at the dinner table. Tell your trump supporting family that you care about them and you hope they’re okay. They’re responding to some really negative energy.

He’s so gross

He sounds like he’s devolving mentally in front of our eyes

He won’t even listen to this Kashoggi tape. I wonder why? Oh yeah, he’s in Saudi Arabia’s pocket.

These idiots are talking about all midterm elections as trump winning or losing

“I won the senate”

Yeah, you won. It wasn’t voter suppression at all.

We only get through part 1 of this interview. That was too much.

This is the most icky podcast in the history of America ever

Your weekly affirmation: You Are Fine. If this makes you feel badly, it means that you feel. And that’s great.

This is the most thankful podcast in the history of America ever

There’s so much to be thankful for

This is the first podcast recorded in Pat’s new apartment

We give a shoutout/free ad to Brandless. Feel free to sponsor us.

We went to Hamilton the day this was recorded. We’re thankful for a great deal and our friendship.

We link intelligence to emotional self-awareness

Life hack: drink more water and put good food into your body

Happiness is simplicity

We talk about what we’re thankful for

Negativity can be a personality

Anderson .Paak’s new album is INCREDIBLE

Rick, this is a hip hop album. This is the first time you’re wrong about music. (But you love Eminem’s whole catalogue)

We’re thankful for our increasing self-awareness

Positivity is nothing but a healthy perspective on negative situations

Let’s be thankful despite the word going crazy because the apathy is a reflection of our collective moral compass

We’re on the internet

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Salute to the patriots! The midterms are over. Life is difficult. We need to stop paying so much attention to this bullshit. Let’s focus on putting good into the world; being selfish for the sake of bettering ourselves to put more good into the world as a result. That’s an unAmerican thought at this point, but fuck it let’s keep it unAmerican from now on.

Bernie Sander’s stops by to discuss white people being afraid to vote for a black person for office. He decides to run in 2020. Get excited.

We decide we need to look at things more positively and differently if there’s any hope for us moving forward as a society. We can’t keep getting mad.

We realize that we take this shit too seriously and don’t follow our own advise. Let’s keep it happy, silly in a quiet place of calm confidence.

Drew discusses the positivity of the new Underachievers album and this sparks a conversation about how our culture infects our ability to look beyond ourselves and put good into the world.

The source of all human suffering is wanting something that is to not be that way.

All we can do is control our own thoughts and feelings about what happens. The only key to happiness is not wanting things to be different and what they are and changing out perspective on these things.

We are always talking about self to better our lives and not in service of others. Service of self is empty without altruism.

We give you an affirmation. Drink your water. Put an appropriate amount of garlic on all your Italian foods. Take care of yourself and that will allow you to take care of others.

We get into some new attitude politics. We’re gonna be okay out there.

Let’s not take trump seriously anymore. Please. He is a sad pathetic man who does not want to do his job.

His twitter from this week is pathetic.

Everyone wins from universal healthcare. We break it down.

Pathological liars are unable to control their behavior and they need to lie about it so their lives don’t fall apart. It’s pathetic.

We compare trump’s border wall to a pillow fort where girls aren’t allowed unless they are going to touch his pee pee.

Texas, why did you put Cruz back in there? Why? We all know we don’t need that guy.

What are republicans even defending besides fear of their team losing anymore?

Let’s start laughing and push for positivity. Don’t take your life, or any of this, too seriously.


We’re on the internet

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Salute to the patriots! We recorded this on Sunday before the midterms… and hey! We were wrong! People did get out and vote! And the dems took the house! We still hope you were part of it and went out and voted. Let’s see what the Dems do now. It’s more American than white women making Halloween racist Halloween costumes over wine. White women love wine.

Here’s your breakdown:

We didn’t think that the Dems would win. We’re very happy we were wrong.

America is broken. And this is the most broken podcast in the history of America ever

Daylight Savings Time makes everyone feel like shit

Dems were hit with a wave of PTSD stemming from the 2016 election leading up to the midterms. Some report literally nightmares. And we shared that feeling.

Trump put on “Happy” at a rally… all he listens to is Frank Sinatra.

Without a fake machismo douche bag boner you give guys who shave their heads and wear Oakley’s Republicans have nothing. And that’s why they need to keep everyone mad.

Does anyone ever flip towards a republican frame of mind? They make their own island.

Liberals took their ability to care about their own issues as the most important ones to an extreme and took it very much for granted

You’re all acting like Lena Dunham

Girls was terrible. Your new show is worse.

The snowflake mentality IS obnoxious, but not as obnoxious as nazis and fascism

Okay, we all see the world differently. Why does everyone have to be such a dick? Just don’t be a dick.

We get it. This is your life. Live it. But you don’t need to be a dick. Live your life however you want, so everyone else should be able to do that too

Republicans want small government until it comes to enforcing to everyone only living your lifestyle. Same rules gotta apply to everyone.

Republican policies don’t benefit anyone, except for the ego of other republicans. Democrats too. It’s all ego. Fuck.

Drew drove Uber for a while and white women always had wine. White women love wine. They bring wine to everything. Who has the wine?

We openly go through news stories because we’re just… done

These Idaho teachers made a costume of the border wall and Mexican stereotypes. All white women. They definitely thought this was a fun costume over wine.

Megan Kelly got a $69m severance package

Dr. Phil’s people coached a black girl to say she hates black people on the show

Cohen said trump used racist language during this campaign… no shit. He just said the n-word twice.

This is the most ignorant podcast in the history of America ever

This is the most senseless podcast in the history of America ever

Obama earned his gray hair

We’ve taken so many steps backward since then

Michael Moore said the pope told him capitalism is a sin

We watched the new Adam Sandler special on Netflix. Is he funny? We conclude that he is.

Drew thinks Pat should do something similar. Pat needs to get creative again.

We saw the Queen movie and break it down

We hope you voted and we’re glad our prediction was wrong

This is the most traumatized podcast in the history of America ever

Drew breaks down the genius behind the Pro Era hip hop movement

We’re on the internet

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Salute to the patriots! It’s 5 days away from the midterm elections. If you’re anything like us you’re probably thinking… ugh, who gives a fuck?? I don’t give a shit! We hear you. Trust us, we hear you. This shit is EXHAUSTING. It’s easier to turn it off and not pay attention and not give a shit. But this year, there’s a lot on the line. Vote like someone’s life depends on it… because many of them do. This is a matter of human decency and the right for all people to be equal. Just go vote for Democrats. Get that D. They know if they get in there they can’t do this shit.

Here’s your breakdown:

You have to care this time around. It keeps getting worse.

If you don’t care now… when are you going to care?

It’s been such a fun and lighthearted week of happy people

This is the worst improv theater of all time

Fox News is border patrol now. Good for you guys.

Mail bombs and mass shootings.. what do we even need to talk about this week? Goddamnit.

Yes trump, cable news is causing a lot of anger. So how about you stop watching?

America is not okay and we are living the crumbling of civilization

Okay Republicans, look at the numbers - the deficit that you care SO MUCH ABOUT goes up exponentially under Republican administrations

The numbers suggest that 99% of your taxes goes to cover for rich people, not poor people. Do your research.

We miss Bush. And that’s sad.

Trump’s influence is what’s causing all of this craziness and people being violent toward one another

Republicans are trying so hard to maintain power when they know they’re outnumbered

If people gave a fuck things would change pretty quickly

Jim Carrey needs Liar Liar energy right now

Radical trump support is real and terrifying. The rhetoric is breeding domestic terrorists. You have a responsibility to tell anyone who supports him that

We need to son these motherfuckers

What’s better in America besides you’re allowed to be hateful now?

Sean, the bass player for Pat’s band, stops in and joins us on the mic to tell us the story of his week being in a hotel with a furry convention

It’s man vs. animal for world domination

We learn all about the furry community

Pat’s daughter calls during the podcast and we were going to edit it out, but we didn’t because it’s cute.

Sean also explained furries to Denise Richards

FurPocolypse sounds like fun to Pat. Drew won’t go with him.

Florida is gonna fuck up this governor’s race

Drew claims black people don’t like anything that breaks reality and therefore do not like Halloween

Halloween is fun for kids. It’s kinda weird for adults.

White girls love Halloween

Politics are as gruesome as Halloween

Politics right now is bad, evil, and growling

Donald trump is the scariest halloween monster

We circle back… Gillium isn’t going to win because it’s fucking Florida

The republicans won’t let progress happen

Watching republicans right now is watching people really enjoying torture porn

We’re worried about Election Day. We think there’s a really good chance republicans keep control of everything. Are we trained to think in worst case scenario now?

Georgia took away the voter roles of 550,000 people without their knowledge

Just go vote.

The Obama speeches were great this week tho. Gloves are off, our man is MAD.

MAGA people want anger and division. They want racism, hate, and violence. It’s gross.

Kill the migrant caravan, yeah cool… republicans, ugh

When is enough for twitter to shut down trump’s account already?

Dem’s should run on shutting down trump’s twitter. You’ll probably win.

Being sick and tired is the new definition of patriotism.

We’re on the internet

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Salute to the patriots! We’re back, I guess. We’ll keep coming back until the world ends, it doesn’t feel that far off at this point. We get into the gross week in the gross politicians doing gross things and how gross it is that people are thinking real gross and liking these gross semi-human-monster-people. Fascism is lame. You shouldn’t like fascism. This fucking week has been ridiculous. We’re exhausted but we try to make it funny. It’s more American than denying all allegations against you so that makes any shitty thing you’ve ever done okay because you denied it. Duh.

Here’s your breakdown:

We call Rick and announce that he’s coming on the show at the end of the year to his fucking voicemail. What an asshole. Come get this love.

Mikie Sherrill came to us like a guardian angel.

Pat had to pick up Drew from taking the bus back from Maryland. Nothing works with the fucking bus

The bus there was fine

And Drew had a good weekend. He found a place to live. He’s a whole adult now.

Pat also found a new place to live.

The bus home was a different story. Drew recounts the most frustrating bus trip in the history of America ever.

Drew tells Greyhound to eat a dick.

“I don’t know. It’s gonna be late.”

But you gotta figure on a day when there’s a Ravens game these employees can’t give a shit anymore. And the bus driver? That man was having a HORRIBLE day.

Go sit your ass down white girl!

When Drew got to New York there wasn’t even anyone at the customer service desk.

Greyhound: “I don’t know. I’m on break.”

Greyhound: “It’ll be here in 5 minutes. We apologize.”

We talk about our feelings on the lottery and go through the facts on why you shouldn’t play it

They designed it to make the jackpots go up to astronomical levels and are playing us

States are counting on lottery money as their whole education fund. So they tax us and play us to cover up their dirty finances with our tax dollars. It’s predatory.

Americans are divided over everything except division.

80% of all Americans feel America is divided. Of that 80%, 90% said that it is a serious problem. So why are we so divided?

Cable news and social media - we’ve been right the whole time!

There’s no need for the divide and the way people behave.

Drew’s Racist Corner: why can’t white women mind their business?

Cory Booker put himself out there, but now he got the taboo me too. Bye Cory.

We think this will be a big story, were we right?

Bring back Bernie! We might be ready now. Make the democrats swallow their own shit. Come on Bernie!

Of course you’re saying there’s a tax cut coming for the middle class NOW. You fuckin liar. Everything he says is a lie.

Trump support makes us really mad at this point. What happened in your life that this is your world view? How is this appealing to anyone?

It’s all fake news. Yeah, that’s true. Just deny it. That makes it fine.

Why does this fuckin guy get the pass that NO ONE ELSE IS GETTING

Yeah trump can do whatever the fuck he wants but Louis CK can’t work ever again in some people’s eyes?

Louis at least handled his like a person with self-awareness and character

Trump is covering up a brutal murder because of his money ties to Saudi Arabia now too. America is so great.

AND they want to revoke civil rights protections for transgendered people.

Republicans, MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS AND GO AWAY

Republicans: government shouldn’t be involved in people’s lives and should stay out of people’s lives. Unless it’s us telling you what to be

Something needs to change. Where is our sense of decency? How is this attitude doing?

The triangle doesn’t go in the circle, Donald

Here’s more French fries, Donald, shut the fuck up

Can a neuroscientist explain republicans to us?

The exhausted majority is real. Trump’s approval numbers are of the people that responded - in raw data 60% of those asked replied “for the last time. I don’t give a fuck! Put me on your no call list.”

Listen or don’t. We don’t give a fuck. We’re on the internet.

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Episode 29 - A Final Plea to Kanye West

Salute to the patriots! We’re here for another week. The news was horribly annoying this week so we spend the first segment catching up with each other. Then we get into some real patriotic bullshit that makes both of us completely exhausted! It’s more American than drinking a 30 pack and jumping off the roof and missing the pool in a confederate flag bathing suit.

Here’s the breakdown:

We award Voodoo Terror Tribe as the Most Patriotic Band

We’re gonna build a new podcasting studio in the garage so we won’t have any more bands providing an unintentional soundtrack

Pat’s band is taking a hiatus soon. One last chance to see them for now with the Ataris on 10/29 at the Stanhope House

We’re mad and bored by the news this week. It was all annoying little shit

Drew discusses his weekend at a sex toy party

Okay, he didn’t go to a sex toy party but he went to someone’s house while one was happening

Fuck yeah for women owning their sexuality

A male sex toy party would be too disgusting because those toys would have cum in them and that’s a different thing

Men are disgusting

Drew has owned a flesh light

Despite being a sexual deviant sometimes Pat has never owned a fake vagina of any form. He wears this as a badge of honor

You can’t compare real women to these toys. There’s emotion beyond physical pleasure

Sleeping around makes you feel empty, and that’s why you can’t buy a big fake ass from a catalogue

Pat talks about his weekend. He went to another wedding. This one was sad - kinda brings down the energy. So we take a break to reset

Voodoo Terror Tribe is surprisingly tight

Trump did something we agree with, goddamnit

He signed a bill for streaming services to pay artist’s royalties

Well, let’s be real he didn’t know what he was signing he just wanted to sign a paper with Kid Rock standing there

KANYE IS CANCELLED - but we still needed to yell at him one last time

We’re still gonna listen, but fucking fuck Kanye

What would Jerome-y Jerome-y Rome-y Rome think about this?

We’re still gonna listen to Yandhi and it’s going to be good. Thanks in advance, but shut the fuck up Ye.

And now we agree with Taylor Swift? What the fuck is 2018??

Swift just ensured that white girls are gonna shake it off on their way to the polls

Also, conservatives aren’t buying Yeezys or listening to Life of Pablo

WE’RE YOUR MARKET MY GUY

But keep talkin Taylor. Stand on that soap box girl. Sell tickets and shit, do a tour in swing districts. Put them boots on and ride out on a horse. We gotta work with what we got. We need you

Taylor Swift is Neo, but your music is still unlistenable

Then we hit some articles, and boy do they all suck

Michael Cohen is a registered Democrat… again. No one has any morals or core beliefs

Melania says that trump’s affairs are not a concern or focus of hers. So that makes it okay right?

Republicans say they care about American family values and morals… no y’all don’t, at all.

Republican hypocrisy is getting worse every day

If you’re not bringing the real, you gotta go. Period.

Fulfillment > Possessions

It’s that time of year again… time for voter suppression! Go Republicans! You guys are so fucking awesome and moral.

We go through an article and there’s nothing else to do but laugh at how much this sucks. This goes WAY DEEPER than most people realize

**Not everyone has the right to vote**

These republicans get off on exercising their power to keep people oppressed.

Be yourself and believe in something.

If ANYTHING drags you down get it the fuck outta here

We have big hearts and it fucks with us sometimes.

Selflessness starts with selfishness

What’s so hard about living with decency toward others?

We’re on the internet

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