The Otis Advisory

Otis gets a lot of prison mail. But when the weather’s nice, he likes to walk around the neighborhood to see what everybody else got in the mail. You can learn a lot about your neighbors by going through their mail. Take this nice lady for example.  Dear Ms. Jones, Oh look, it’s from the free clinic.  It was fun seeing you again this week - red and irritated - well that’s not going to clear up.  Oh here’s a birthday card from somebody named Boom Boom Willie.  Probably met down at the community pool.  Here's someone being notified about getting yard of the month.  It’s about time.  All they had to do was take down that Trump yard sign and look at that – yard of the month it is!   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Congressman-lady Jasmine Crockett really likes being the only botanical in government.  But don’t be fooled by all the flowery words. Jasmine knows nothing pays off faster than class clown when you need to get noticed, before that AOC gets it all.  Remember the circus business is nothing new for Jasmine!  Throw in a pair of hoop earrings and a couple of media stink bombs and you’ll get ‘em talking.  Then just sit back and let the cameras do all the work.  This shake down isn’t going to stop anytime soon.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Everybody knows, crawfish are not fish.  Never have been.  Try putting crawfish in the microwave and you’ll see what I mean.  The stuff in there runs out all over the place, gets all over the floor and everything.  Meat doesn’t do that.  You can do better.  Look, a million flies can’t be wrong.  Even Greenland doesn’t allow crawfish, wonder why?  Ask the medical examiner.  They know crawfish are like sticker burs.   You’re not dealing with a bag of frozen peas here. Crawfish are pre-historic, and you’re not. So look somewhere else for something to eat.  Hell, even Kamala won’t eat crawfish - she’ll wolf down a bag of pork rinds but won’t get down in the mud for a plate of these.  Good call but maybe don’t wear that crawfish costume in the parade next time, just saying. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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The only thing more dangerous than being Chuck Schumer right now is being Chuck Schumer driving a red Tesla.  That would be a bowel-curdling trigger event over at Camp TransAntifa, the Nottingham Forrest of the pumps and pearls fellas with an itch for firebombing.  I know it’s getting harder to score this stuff.  But Orange man doesn’t care. He’s sending Tesla firebombers to the pen for 20 big ones.  But don’t write him off yet, Chuck is like cat pee. You’ll never get the smell out.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Don’t be looking for a Mother’s Day card in Wisconsin. “Mother’s Day cards don’t say mother anymore,” said Governor Shagnasty.  In Wisconsin, Mother has been changed to “Incinerated Persons” – wait, is that right?   By the way, now that Orange man has declared English the official language of America, when someone tells you “no worries” – you can just say, “hey speak English!”  Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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The barnyard is buzzing this week over the high cost of eggs.  Somebody gave the chickens the flu, probably caught it at the gym like everybody else.  But what you really need to worry about is egg smuggling.  There coming across the border from everywhere,  Smuggling eggs can get messy. Stuffing a dozen or so down your shorts to cross “over easy” in El Paso works fine, until you sit down.  Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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USA sent fifty million dollars in condoms to Gaza.  Found out later they decided to make condom bombs instead with all their free rubbers. Come on now, this is too easy.  Let’s say you’re the runt of the litter and someone gives you fifty million dollars’ worth of free rubbers.  You could go find a nice girl to share a bag of pork rinds with, or, make a condom bomb to blow up the One Hour Martinizing store up the street.  I know what I would do – and I’m not thinking dry cleaning.  D'Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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ORANGE SUNRISE  Thanks to the new Orange sunrise over Washington, a system-wide peristalsis has begun, moving the waste and waste by-products from the gut of government.  In its place, luxury, prosperity and of course endless boogie!  Can you dig it.  But as always, Donkey Darkness is on the rise working to stop common sense before it breaks out.  Better to maintain the rot for the next wave of pajama-wielding protesters daydreaming of the day they’ll get to throw their deadly avocado toast at police and the ICE man.   Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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TRUMP DANCE  

It’s a dance.  It’s a movement.  No wait, it’s the Trump Shuffle, and all the kids are doing it.  How low can you go?  Just put your bottom on a swivel and leave your pronouns at the door!   The Trump Shuffle is ground zero in the land of a thousand dances.  But you won’t see it on The View.  Oh hell no. They’re still worried it’ll give you the Monkey Pox or something – you filthy pig!  Look, it’s OK to celebrate, but you better hurry.  The Trump Dance is a limited time offer.  The Crankiest among us always find a way to come back around, all triggered up for more state-sponsored misery at government expense.  So what can you do?  Well first, enjoy doing The Trump Shuffle whenever you’re feeling good.  Think of it like getting butt dialed from a Princess Phone - there’s just no downside.  When news stinks you’ll smell it first, right here with your Uncle Otis.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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The Honor Snacks man finally went back around to check on his snack box after the Biden White House cleared out.  Naturally it came in light, again.  The little bedwetters had their grubby little mitts on the Captains Wafers but never left the fifty cents in the slot.  So much for Donkey people and the Honor Snacks idea.  One of them even stuck a note down the slot about how oppressed people shouldn’t have to pay and everyone else should be ashamed for asking.   You can learn a lot from a box of Honor Snacks. Remember, no one has called yet to claim responsibility for Hunter.  So there is that.  Otis brakes it down. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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