The Otis Advisory

There you sit, watching the world wake up from history.  So many great things to see, or so you’d think.  Well sorry pal, all you get this time is Jasmine Crockett, the cold sore on American politics.  Not where you thought evolution might be taking us, but there it is anyway.  Miss Jasmine, still proud to be the only botanical in congress, has no apparent mute button.  We’ve looked – it’s not there!  So after some initial complaining about her bunions, the unmuted congressman lady let loose with this new life-altering claim" “Committing crimes," said Jasmine, "doesn’t make you a criminal.”  Imagine the surprise of all the hard working criminals now feeling like they’ve been wasting their time - getting nowhere - no credit – nothing?  Jasmine, who started out with nothing and still has most of it left, always seems to come up third and long.  Do not resuscitate.  Thanks for riding with Otis today.  We have microphones and were not afraid to use them.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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Hope you didn’t throw away the box your Mr. Potato Head came in.  He’s going to be worth something once we wake up from this trash compactor we’ve been living in!  Remember how Mr. Potato Head had a little trap door in his behind where you’d keep all his parts. You could give him a pipe and a newspaper or even have him holding a little fan belt like he just came back from the auto parts store.  Then there was Mrs. Potato Head – she had a little handbag and a hat with a flower on it, and even a little mallet she used to pop Mr. Potato Head guy when he got out of line.  They were inseparable, even did some movies together.  But now, cancelled, as mom and pop Potato Head have had to become pan-sexual so the correct people could feel less guilty.  I sure hope it works because cancelling biology is hard. Takes big stones, or brass ovaries or something to be that impressed with yourself!  We’re beginning to see a quickening as we inch closer to the singularity – the morphing of all into one.  Think of it like E-Pluribus Backwards, a personal transformation from freedom into an odorless, colorless, comfortably numb and compliant, gender-neutral cell mass with a bad logo. That’s critical Otis Theory,  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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Ladies, if you’ve been thinking about having some extra padding implanted in your behind, I’ve got great news.  The makers of Spanx, with the street name Spanky Pants, now sell some special new drawers with the butt implants built right in. Maybe it’s just the Shitegeist of the times. The extra bulk you’ve been wanting on the south end now comes pre-stuffed and sewn right into the Spanky Pants package - ready to go to work to thicken up those pop tarts as soon as you slip ‘em over whatever you got going on back there now.  No need to walk around with a taillight out anymore Cupcake, just pack it on with Spanky Pants before heading up to the mall for your next show.  Hell you could get yard of the month with this. And you thought hammer time was just happy hour.  Welcome to Spanky Pants with benefits – it’s the new normal, built to fool the wife of the people. Think of it like a bounce house on wheels that goes everywhere you go.  And don’t worry about that rumble strip back there, it’s just there for ventilation. This your Uncle Otis, a false and dangerous narrative keeping fear live – that’ll be ten hail Mary’s.  Hear podcast - wash hands.

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Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August.  A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautiful downtown Baltimore.  Off you go then with your pronouns pinned to your shirt and reciting all one hundred different genders. You’re doing everything right: you never chew on pencils, you always take the bus, you sleep with green noise, go to the whole foods for the white noise, dress up funny for pink noise and wake each day to brown noise when the blowers go off at seven a.m. So what’s with the fashion forward sock hat in August?   Maybe try this: skip the riot next time and just go out with a girl.  Take her to roller derby or something. You’ll thank me later.  And try not to wear your pajamas this time.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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We didn't used to get worked up over a cute girl on TV in three-hundred-dollar jeans.  It just wasn’t a thing.  But now, itching for a leg up, the donkey people believe this time, in a TV spot, they’ve finally found the Nazi in your shorts. Oh stars!  A blond, blue eyed girl on TV – not queen size, just regular size.  “Not consistent with our values,” said the lunatic fringe.  The full body deodorant crowd is convinced that this is the white winter itch we’ve been warned about.  Brought to you by a girl named Sidney, who just went on TV in her good jeans to roll around for thirty seconds in some dog hair on the floor.  Have mercy!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Jasmine really likes riding in her Escalade.  “Either ride me in an Escalade or I’m staying home.”  The staff had their orders so Escalade it is, with the extra base boost for that Crown Royal authenticity!  “Now I need to go to lunch, and I don’t mean Cracker Barrell.” Yes Mama!  “I’ll go in somewhere civilized and pick out some bacon cheesecake. You stand outside the car like you’re waiting for somebody important.” But the staff had an enthusiasm gap building, and when they saw Ms. Crockett using her fingernail as a guacamole scoop they decided to narc on her.  So somebody’s about to be de-clawed and probably have their mouth washed out with soap. You know how a glass blower knows not to inhale!  Well Ms. Crockett, this is one of those times!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Hunter started out with nothing and still has most of it left.  Like when he’d get in trouble for peeing in the pool at the Best Western. "Hunter you get out of there right now. Your daddy’s gonna wear you out when he gets back from Epstein's.  I'm telling him what you did in that pool.” Sometimes, what's left of his mind plays tricks on him.  Now Hunter thinks he wants to be president to finish raiding the little honey pot Joe left for him over in China.  But wait – did you know there’s a Mrs. Hunter.  Yes, he’s married,  Somewhere there’s got to be paper saying honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple of years, and you getting your own beach house. Take the bait!  That's the way we Otis, I’ll see you at the peace march.  Hear podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Say hello to Zohan the Conqueror, the latest fanboy of the lunatic fringe, now running for mayor of New York City.  It’s obvious, Zohan only has a beatnik-level view of what makes the world work, but he’s still planning to run this con on YOU and the coalition of the unhappy next election day. He’s the shiny new locomotive pulling the Hate America First Train into Bankruptcy Station.  Zohan the Conqueror (as his mamma calls him) is on board for anyone who’s lost their appetite for work.  “Chicks dig me because I burn tires,” said the Zohan.  And in a Mandami state-run grocery store, cotton candy is produce!  It's a miracle. He's like artificial sweetener, the more you read what’s in it, the less of it you want.  Somebody pump the breaks on this mess before New York boils over for good.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Any minute now a judge will try to make Trump go get back all the bunker busters he loaded on the plane to Iran, then bring them home and put them right back in the garage where he found ‘em. That’s because Orange man didn’t ask permission first.  He didn’t call Sandy Cortez or that really smart one, Ms. Crockett to see if it was OK!  Think of it like a Hollywood stop where you just slow roll on by in your B2.  Judge will tell Trump to just fly all that stuff home and don’t be doing this again without asking the girls first.  Orange says, “talk to the tail ladies – the whiskers ain’t listening.”  Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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There’s a prize waiting for anyone who can finish their Bunker Buster with Cheese and keep it down for 8 seconds - just like the rodeo.  The Bunker Buster comes tail up to go down easy at forty-five degrees. And when it hits bottom you'll know it, so have s quick exit planned if things get messy.  Wait, what’s that?  The Bunker Buster comes with an automatic second helping, built right in.  Now what can you do to get ready for your next Bunker Buster?  First, get out of the way!  Call in sick.  Take some ME time.  Remember the Bunker Buster feeds everybody in the room all at once - no separate checks.  We know that OZZY is the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, and he is selling his DNA for $4.50 a can.  Being liquified is big business! Just sayin'.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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