Today we’re bringing in the Count of Monty Crypto to help explain the US economy in a way even Jasmine can understand it.  Step one, if you want to save big money, don’t buy anything.  Next: Hide your stuff! Go out in the backyard, dig a hole and put your stuff down there, then cover it up.  If the Zohan people can’t find it, they can’t tax it or give it to the aliens. Then, don’t buy anything that says DISPOSABLE.  What’s the point?  Let somebody else buy it and when they throw it away you go back around and pick it up for nothing. This is so easy.  Let’s say you want some Crypto Currency. You don’t know why but everybody’s doing it and you don’t want to miss out.  Well, BaitCoin is a whole lot cheaper than BitCoin, and you can do more with it.  BaitCoin is locally sourced, the correct people will cheer for that, like local honey, they get all worked up over that too. Gives them the same warm, welcoming embrace as socialism. Like the gooey cheese in the Mondami mouse trap.  “Come on in, have some promotional cheese. We’ll just take it from the people on the hill. They’ve got too much cheese.”  Who let this happen? Next, you’ll be making your own clothes.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Big Bad Bunny is now hiring.  He’s about to do the half time SuperBowl show and still needs a few good men to hold up his scarf for the big game. It’s a ballsey move, but since Super Bowl is copyrighted, we’re not allowed to talk about what a dumb NFL idea this really is. They just need you to lower your expectations for game day and accept Mr. Bunny for who he or they really is.  Just give him a little time to get his roots done!  Now since the Bunny man always seems to turn up third and long, you’re gonna need to know how to score all this!  A simple organism about to take the stage.  Not the halftime entertainment you expected, but there it is anyway.  And if you stand behind the velvet ropes, Big Blue Bunny will be happy to give you a peek at what really goes on at Doggy Day Care.  A million flies can’t be wrong, and this one’s really going to stink!  Our friend the Bunny has been butt dialed more than once from a Princess phone.  So what’s different this time, except maybe for 90 million of the undead hopefully still watching. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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At night when Jasmine Crockett lies there waiting for the sandman to come take her away, she likes to dream of how important she’s gonna  feel once we make her a US Senator from Texas.  Commander Otis here - back on Crockett Watch where we’ve brought in Oppo the research loving clown to find out what makes Ms. Crockett so entertaining.  What is it Oppo?  Why so sad?  Awwww, is it because Jasmine’s spirit animal is an oyster?  Jasmine’s going to need an edge to win in Texas and that’s where the mail in ballots come in.  Oh the larceny!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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You’ve landed on the Jasmine Report – the weekly national tracker that chronicles the latest bull corn leaking out of Jasmine’s campaign for Senate.  Now sometimes Jasmine’s mind plays tricks on her when she dreams of winning the rural vote.  “Should I go campaign at the Cracker Barrel or the Waffle House,” thought Jasmine.  I wouldn’t get too worked up with that one honey.  You’ve got a lot more apologizing to do before you land any of the Billy Jack vote.  So it’s no surprise that hurricane Jasmine hired a rapper to follow her around and make up bad songs about all her big ideas.  If Jasmine says we should put screen doors on submarines, then there must be a good reason, so don’t rule it out.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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APOLOGY REQUEST FORM  

Here at the Discount Think Tank and Bait Camp, we can sometimes hit a little too close to the bone. And that’s when the lawyers make us apologize.  With so many wanting an apology from your Uncle Otis, we’re starting to fall behind. If I need to be sorrier faster, and get you back a personalized Certificate of Apology for all this stuff, you’re gonna have to use the Apology Request Form.  Just contact this station and tell them to send you an official Uncle Otis Apology Request form and we’ll see what we can do.  Just let me know who was offended: was it you, your wife, wife’s sister or other, along with what you think we said (or just meant) that was so bad.  We’ve heard it all before, so go take your shot!   Now you know what to do! Order your CERTIFICATE OF APOLOGY from your Uncle Otis and I’ll see you at the peace March.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Back in the time before filtered water, things weren't as convenient as they are now.  Like, did you know there wasn’t always a little trash can sitting by the door of the men’s room so when you’re leaving, you’d have somewhere to toss your wadded up wet paper towel.  Now this is just the men’s room we’re talking about.  Nobody knows what goes on in the lady’s room since nice people don’t ask about such things.  But we do know that over on the men’s side, you used to be left standing there at the half-opened door, holding a wet paper towel and wondering where to put it after you pull open that nasty door.  Only recently did somebody correct the problem by just moving the trashcan closer to the door.  Problem solved.  Gone was your little game of trying to shoot the basket across the room – a basket that was always just a little too far away to hit from where you were standing.  And like a pile of broken dreams, the missed shots were all over the floor waiting for somebody to come around later and take care of it.  So in the New America, we’ve figured out where to put the trash can. So what’s next?  Well, the kids can’t read or add; anybody got any ideas for that?  Tell them Beowulf is a rapper from Baltimore who hates everything and wants to blow up the country – that will pull ‘em in.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area.  Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow.  That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just to be sure dry pants would be OK with him.  Goes like this: “Hey Lil Padna, I see you’ve got a preexisting condition down south.  I’m here to take care of that for you, but first we need to be sure your wet-pants rights aren’t violated.  I noticed you’re going commando today so, if it’s OK with you, and let’s just say it is, we’re gonna switch out of those underpants to some that haven’t been peed yet.  You’ll thank me later!” Just one of a whole snootful of big ideas waiting for you right here in the New America. Otis reports.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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HAPPY TALK

The holidays are a great time to remember some of the jacked-up ideas your mom would lay on you when you were growing up.  Stuff you were supposed to believe no matter how whacked it was.  Like this one: “Little Otis, you keep making that face and next time it’s gonna stick like that.  Yes Mamma!” Or this: “Don’t eat those cookies little Otis, they’ll make you pee the bed!” Then there were the ones you didn’t see coming, like “Someday, little Uncle Otis, you’ll have a socialist mayor in New York city, and that’ll come with a free bus ticket.”  Oh stars!  Who’s sorry now?  But then it happened. You know honey, there’s still time to move to Miami to start that mobile back scratching business - just sayin’.  Otis clears it all up.  Hear podcast ~ Wash hands

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Let’s say you’re in the Army and the husky-sized pants is all you can fit into.  Well, Mr. Huskey size, you may be looking for another line of work after the new war on chunky soldiers.  There's even an end to whiskers and beards - back to high and tight for army men, including the girls!  No more bearded 260 pounders trying to climb the rope over the little training pond.  You won’t be able to hide anymore by lining up behind Beefy Sue.  She doesn’t work here anymore either.  And if you’re determined to wear your new dress with the hoop earrings and pearls to your next battlefield event, think again cupcake.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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There you sit, watching the world wake up from history.  So many great things to see, or so you’d think.  Well sorry pal, all you get this time is Jasmine Crockett, the cold sore on American politics.  Not where you thought evolution might be taking us, but there it is anyway.  Miss Jasmine, still proud to be the only botanical in congress, has no apparent mute button.  We’ve looked – it’s not there!  So after some initial complaining about her bunions, the unmuted congressman lady let loose with this new life-altering claim" “Committing crimes," said Jasmine, "doesn’t make you a criminal.”  Imagine the surprise of all the hard working criminals now feeling like they’ve been wasting their time - getting nowhere - no credit – nothing?  Jasmine, who started out with nothing and still has most of it left, always seems to come up third and long.  Do not resuscitate.  Thanks for riding with Otis today.  We have microphones and were not afraid to use them.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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