The Otis Advisory

Who would have thought that winding up in a pot of boiling water somewhere in New Guinea would turn into a campaign line eighty years later?  VOTE FOR JOE - CANNIBALS ATE HIS UNCLE!   It’s damn creative, I’ll give ‘em that. Just falls right off the bone.  You’ve even got a little primitive culture going on there to help satisfy the lunatic fringe at Columbia.  But Mono-Clonal just means 1 clown!  And this one’s about to roll back in and hand the keys over to Gang Green.  That’s when this cannibal thing really grows teeth.  Otis Explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Here at the Discount Think Tank we’re always on hot standby for the next big thing.  And in America that would be losing weight. It's all they can talk about at the Waffle House.  No exercise, just take the shot and get skinny.  It’s a sweet deal.  But have you heard about the move to Diet Shampoo!  Regular shampoo just adds calories, so if you switch to diet shampoo you could have more cheesecake!  It's so easy.  Stop overwhelming your outfit and buy up all the shares you can get for diet shampoo.  The Waffle House is never wrong.  It will be bigger than the plexiglass craze.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Their you are, coming back from somewhere you’re not supposed to be, when suddenly your Crown Vic slows to a crawl all by itself.   You got gas, what's going on?  Welcome to the New America Jerry Wayne, where the correct people can turn off your ride right there from Kamala’s desk!  Could be worse - you could be coming back from an Orange Man rally or just picking up a new crab net at Bass Pro Shop!  You’d be sitting there all night then to think about what a bad boy you’ve been, you filthy pig.

Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands  

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If the insult of turkey bacon wasn’t enough for you, say hello to AI for Pets.  Let’s say your pup is outside waiting for the snow cone truck when suddenly he gets a terrible itch.  He can’t let that itch to win and miss the snow cone truck (even though it does come back tomorrow) so AI for Pets kicks in to find where that itch is coming from and get to it quicker.  Way better than Memory Foam, A.I. for pets means a tail-wagging good time for little Bingo.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Now you can get the same IV drip the President gets before he has to talk.  It's called The Weasel, and it helps you yell out in short, sassy bursts for at least an hour if you need to impress the media.  And nobody has to know!  If The Weasel doesn’t kill you first, it’ll damn sure get you up on your hind legs and ready for your next tractor pull.   That little man in your ear telling you what to say still takes care of everything – so you’re good.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Those cats at the Wuhan Lab are all excited about their new 100% lethal brew they've been cooking up for the west. “No more fooling around,” said the Veloso-raptor of the wet market, “Our newest Chinese virus is 100% deadly to humanized mice.”  That’s cute and all but how can you tell if your mice are humanized or not?  What exactly do you look for?  What gives it away?  Otis and the salty scholars at the Bait Camp/Think Tank want to know.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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Thanks to a new government program, your spare bedroom can help welcome the rest of the world to your house, right here in the New America!  TicTok knows if you have a spare room and is ready to tell on you - it's so international.  Otis explains.    Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Everybody deserves a shot, even Blind Pilots. So what if they can’t see.  Overcoming diversity and stuff is way more important.   Enter Activist Airlines who quietly announced a brave new equity and inclusion program that is set to hand the keys to world’s first Blind Pilot.  The subject proudly earned his pilot's license after two years of theoretical aviation.  And of course the usual 1,500 hours of flight time was waived just to make it fair.   So keep an eye out for news of flight 2034 from Orlando to Saint Louis, the first vision-impaired flight over the US.  Once the black box is recovered from the site we will learn more.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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 Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t still sell tickets.  Say hello to AI Elvis, in case you missed it the first time while he was still warm.  Relive it all with AI Elvis - pretend entertainment from the time before filtered water when Poxy Lady was playing on the radio and ThighMaster was all over TV.  Think of it like a tour of Lake Flaccid, with nurses standing by in case you need to let the dough rise twice.  AI Elvis is just the first to pop out of God’s waiting room.  Who’ll be next?   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Sleepy Joey really likes being the Big Cheese, and now he wants you to make him big cheese again.  Four more years Joey, that’s a lot of cheese!  Remember, after Bernie you were just the other white meat.   When you’re the big cheese you can say whatever crazy stuff you want, like, “that border is closed, economy is good, crime is down” and no body yells at you because, well, you’re the big cheese!  But let’s say that cheese is orange, then everything is different!   Maybe orange cheese is just too strong!  It never goes flat or gets soft and gooey like the kind they put in the mouse trap to lure the wife of the people.  Orange cheese will act like a natural diuretic to flush out those shiny razor blades from your election day apple.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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