The Otis Advisory

Have you heard about shrinkage? Everybody’s talking about it.  Used to be called stealing, but that was way too honest and could be offensive to simple organisms.  They don’t have shrinkage in China or Mexico or even LotaVodka, mainly because they just cut off your hands if you’re caught shrinking something into your bag.  Junk Culture tells us that "shrinkage" helps people feel better about themselves, but they probably still won’t want to go RV-ing.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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If you’re thinking about hiring little Johnny from the local high school to come work at your store and sell tube socks, here are some things you need to know.  First, don’t expect too much because Johnny can’t read and damn sure can't add.  But to be fair, neither can any of the other “graduates.”  But yes, Johnny would love to come work at your store, and thanks for asking, as long as you’re paying $42 an hour!  He can do that much math.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands 

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Did you know that beer has an expiration date?  After a certain date you’re supposed to throw it out because it may not taste like what you'd expect.  But, it’s beer right?  You’re expecting what exactly?  So beer gets thrown out if it’s too old, but Joey gets to keep his job and doesn't get thrown out?  Isn’t President Joey expired too?  What’s the difference between Joey and old beer?  Both get checked for worms, right?  And both smell like cat pee.” Otis explains in this new Advisory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Here’s something you’ll want to know about first before signing up for the New America. The Donkey people have decided your beer thermostat should be set at 2 beers per week.  Not 2 per drive home now, that’s 2 beers per week - total.  If you’re still having Bud Light, where it takes 9 beers to get the job done, you’re in even worse shape!  We wanted to know if those little kid-sized bottles of liquor they give you on the airplane count or not?  Otis investigates.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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 Chicago’s upper management has now asked the local gang leaders if they would please cooperate and not shoot people in the daytime. "It’s scaring the customers," cried Governor Soros!  Just hold off on shooting from 9 in the morning until 9 at night. Then at 9pm hell get after it.  Clock in for a good 12-hours taking care of whoever needs taking care of.  Just promise you’ll finish up before 9 in the morning and leave time to clean up the mess. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Country music is a threat to democracy, say the donkey people!  How did that happen?  Complaining about country music and how it makes you grow hair in your ears has always been out there,  When you think about it, you’re a lot more likely to be a victim of wife supremacy than have country music get between you and your misery index or fancy golf pants.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Did you know that Hunter is married!  Yes, there's a Mrs. Hunter alright, and sources close to the bone report that she might even own a TV and may have seen what’s on the news.  So before the boy comes home again with his tail dragging the gravy, ask yourself this:  what is in it for Mrs. Hunter?  Somewhere there has to be paper on this saying, "Honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple more years, and you getting your own beach house!" Take the bait girl!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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Nothing’s going right for Lil Hunter.  On his last trip to get a quick puddle dance at the misogynist parlor, Hunter learned that his best friend just went in and told the truth!  Seems both the boys were over in LotaVodka together helping to make China great again when somebody accidentally wrote Joey a  big check.  Ooops!  Big problem.  Lots of explaining.  Now it’s a federal beef.   Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

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Who’s the skunk at the lawn party?  Companies are now having to hire something called an Etiquette Director to help the new kids at the office learn how to smell check.  But smell check isn’t the only thing the Etiquette Director does – tying your shoes, dealing with white winter itch and knowing how to pass a little air in church without making noise is also on the good manners list.  Otis investigates.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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It's like global warming only this one has long pointy teeth.  Sharks have been really cranky this year biting you and the kids down at the beach, and now we know why. The little buggers have been getting into the bales of coke dumped off the smuggling boats before the heat pulls them over.  Sharks on coke!  With whales washing up from the offshore windmills and crabs that won’t stay in the bucket. what is going on?  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

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