The Positive Mind

In part 3 of our series on Resilience, Kevin and Niseema talk about the difference between "stress" and "strain." Are you "strained out?" Notice what happens when we change a familiar word like "stress" into a more accurate description like "strain." Most of us have been dealing with a lot of strain since COVID began. How are you doing with your "strain?"

In part 2, Kevin and Niseema talk about defense mechanisms and this internal mechanism called The Engineer, which wants to keep us from changing. In this month of resolutions, it is important to understand how a part of us does not want to make any changes but wants us to stay the same. "The Engineer" will work to sabotage any kind of change you might want to make. This week's show is centered around learning how to have a dialog with, and make friends with, The Engineer, so you can make the changes you want to make.

Today kicks off our four-show series on resilience. In the time of COVID, people's sense of resilience is very low. How are you doing with your resilience? Do you feel tapped out, that you cannot handle one more demand? Tune into today's show where Kevin and Niseema talk about ways to refill your resilience tank.

New Year's Resolution #1 - Listen to more ocean waves and relax. This week Kevin and Niseema talk with Dr. Jen Wolkin PhD., Neuropsychologist, and author of the book “Quick Calm: Easy Meditations to Short-Circuit Stress Using Mindfulness and Neuroscience.” We start the show with the sound of ocean waves that helps illustrate how quickly we can achieve a sense of calm when we just focus our attention on a particular sound.

Dr. Jen shows us how to start a mindfulness practice by teaching diaphragmatic breathing that can have the same effect as the sound of the ocean. We talk about how to bring mindfulness to something as mundane as washing the dishes and being present in the moment. There are 25 five-minute mindfulness exercises in this book that can reduce stress and enhance your life throughout the coming year.

This week Kevin and Niseema talk about the Vagus Nerve, a major nerve in the body that begins at the brainstem and travels all the way through the vital organs to the sacrum. The Vagus Nerve has been shown to have a very strong connection to how you manage stress. A weak Vagus Nerve is a major indicator that you have been suffering from prolonged and chronic stress.

Niseema introduces a powerful tool for healing and balancing the Vagus Nerve called The Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP). SSP delivers a passive stimulation of the Vagus Nerve to help increase its capacity to regulate the "fight or flight'' part of our nervous system, which contributes to symptoms of anxiety and PTSD, and access feelings of safety and connection.

This week Kevin and Niseema talk about the fear of letting people get close to you. How many people really know you? How many people do you feel close to? Closeness is often a trigger for most people. What happens to your body when people get too close?

Kevin and Niseema explore the common fears that consciously or unconsciously keep relationships at an arm's length. The fear of being controlled, the fear of losing independence, the fear of vulnerability, all work to sabotage the desire for real closeness. This week's show talks about THE REWARD of letting go of those fears.

This week Kevin and Niseema follow up on the past two shows with Attachment Theory specialists Drs. Howard and Miriam Steele. Attachment Theory focuses on whether a child feels secure or insecure in their connection to, and "attachment to," the caretakers in their life. This early relationship influences the way a person will relate in their mature adult relationships. During the show, Kevin and Niseema ask some basic questions to help you determine whether you were securely or insecurely attached in childhood. See the attached questionnaire on the link below.

Kevin and Niseema also talk about research into "memory" and how our adult brains impose a memory on to our childhood brain. Statistics consistently show that the adult brain often creates a faulty "memory" of incidents that happened in the past. It's as if the brain takes a photograph of a past event and then distorts or enhances the photograph. The brain will often create a faulty memory of what love looked like in our childhood. It is this faulty memory that we project onto our future love relationships. It is astonishing what the brain/mind can do.

“The greatest fear we have is not the fear of our own death

but the death of someone we love.” Dr. Howard Steele PhD.

This statement speaks to the depth of our need to feel connected and attached to others with whom we can feel safe and enjoy life. In this week’s show, Kevin and Niseema continue to explore "Attachment Theory" with Drs. Miriam and Howard Steele, Directors of The Center for Attachment Studies at the New School for Social Research in New York City.

The Steele's answer questions from our audience about bullying and how learning the skill of reflecting on your own experience as a child can inform how you parent now, as an adult. We also discover how the need for new ways to be cooperative and civil, rather than competitive, is the next step in our evolution as a species. Attachment interventions and research are available for parents, teachers, therapists, and leaders to learn how to make our world a more peaceful and loving place.

Howard Steele, PhD, is Professor of Psychology and former chair for Clinical Psychology at the New School for Social Research in New York City. At the New School Dr. Steele co-directs (with Dr. M. Steele) the Center for Attachment Research. Dr. Howard Steele is also founder and senior editor of the international scientific peer-reviewed journal Attachment and Human Development. Howard is the founder and first president of the learned society, Society for Emotion and Attachment Studies, www.seasinternational.org.

Miriam Steele, PhD, is Professor of Psychology, at the New School for Social Research where she co-directs (with Dr. H. Steele) the Center for Attachment Research. Dr. Miriam Steele is also an Anna Freud Center trained psychoanalyst. Miriam initiated the London Parent-Child Project, a major longitudinal study of intergenerational patterns of attachment, and has also carried out longitudinal attachment research in the context of child maltreatment and adoption.

Was there one person in your childhood who you knew you could go to when you were in distress? You knew they would listen and allow you to have your feelings, providing comfort and support. This person represented a "secure base" in a world that may have been chaotic, confusing, and scary.

It turns out that having a "secure base" during your childhood makes all the difference in how you love, trust and engage in relationships.

Kevin and Niseema welcome Drs. Howard and Miriam Steele, to discuss their book, Handbook of Attachment-Based Interventions. They have made it their life's work to study the benefits of having a secure base, and what happens when there isn't one. They have studied and developed effective ways to support parents learning the skills of being a secure base for their children, and in the process learn what it means to be a humble caretaker.

Stay tuned for Part II next week, when the Steele's will talk about the ramifications of a world where striving for independence has eroded the human need for "interdependence and community."

Howard Steele, Ph.D., is a Professor of Psychology and former chair for Clinical Psychology at the New School for Social Research in New York City. At the New School, Dr. Steele co-directs (with Dr. M. Steele) the Center for Attachment Research. Dr. Howard Steele is also the founder and senior editor of the international scientific peer-reviewed journal Attachment and Human Development. Howard is the founder and first president of the learned society, Society for Emotion and Attachment Studies, www.seasinternational.org.

Miriam Steele, Ph.D., is a Professor of Psychology, at the New School for Social Research where she co-directs (with Dr. H. Steele) the Center for Attachment Research. Dr. Miriam Steele is also an Anna Freud Center trained psychoanalyst. Miriam initiated the London Parent-Child Project, a major longitudinal study of inter-generational patterns of attachment, and has also carried out longitudinal attachment research in the context of child maltreatment and adoption.

Everything and everyone changes. What is revealed when the green leaves of summer turn so many varied colors? Each tree, each leaf, has specific traits to it. What if love's essence is an ability to see through the personality of our partner, to what is a completely unique constellation of traits that make them who they are. Kevin and Niseema explore the concept that it is this essence that delights us and makes us fall in love. Join us this week as we help you identify the traits of your partner that hint at their essence, and to also reflect on what they might see in you.