By Fran Excell: Success Mindset Mentor For Business Owners.
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The podcast currently has 308 episodes available.
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
What Would You Do Differently?
This week’s episode comes with a little trigger warning, talking about themes of death so if that’s sensitive for you right now then come back to this when you feel ready.
It can be hard to talk about, and sometimes feel a bit morbid, to think about our own or loved ones' mortality but I feel like this is an important conversation to have, and a perspective to potentially live by that can actually lead to some really positive changes.
And I know that’s what you want for yourself, because you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.
As you’ll know by now I’m a big believer in sharing things that impact you and the way you think, in case it can have the same impact on someone else and might make a big difference to their day, week, month, life…you get the idea.
So let’s start with a little context for why I'm talking about this today.
Full credit goes to a friend of mine who I caught up with this last week. Someone who played an unexpectedly big role in my own healing this summer for which I'm hugely grateful for.
We were just catching up and talking about all the big things still going on in my personal life and big decisions I still have to make and he just said to me, ‘Can I give you some advice? Just be happy. Do what makes you happy. Tomorrow isn’t promised.’
Now, him saying tomorrow isn’t promised isn’t new, he already thinks that way.
But it hit particularly hard because his best friend had recently been killed suddenly in a road accident.
Sometimes things happen, to you or other people, that just put things into perspective. Context matters.
He also said that he’s not even thinking about the future right now and just living in the moment and taking every day as it comes, which is an easy thing to talk about, a lot of people do.
To the point the message gets lost I think. But again, I think it hits different within the context of the words and the situation they’re said in.
If you really lived like that, knowing that you might not get tomorrow and to totally be in the moment, even if it was just for a day, what would you do differently?
How might you think differently?
What would you just drop because you realise it’s just not important.
What would you let go?
What decisions would you make?
What would you make sure you did?
What would you want to experience?
Who would you reach out to?
What would you say?
How might you throw caution to the wind?
What would make you feel like you’re really living, not just existing?
Pay attention to your first answers to these questions, they’ll tell you a lot. Maybe pause, grab your journal and write them down.
How different might it feel to live by that?
Perspective really is a wonderful thing.
The other side to this conversation I think was also important.
How can you channel the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that come from something negative, into something positive?
I’ve talked a huge amount about this before, the idea that some of the worst things that happen to you can lead to positive things if you allow them to.
It doesn’t take away the pain but it channels it into something good. Something that you can be proud of.
I always find huge comfort in that way of thinking and I've not been proved wrong yet. Amazing things have always come out of my worst moments. Always.
He then told me that he’s been looking after his friend’s son and he’s going to be running a marathon with him to raise money for him to get a bench installed for his Dad so he has somewhere to go and talk to him.
I thought this was such a beautiful example of that.
So if you’re in the thick of it right now, like I know a lot of you are, 2023 has been an annus horribilis for so many people. If that’s you, or someone you love, what could you do that could channel that pain and energy into something positive?
Again, it’s not ignoring the pain, it’s not putting on a brave face or wishing the pain wasn’t there.
It’s alchemy. It’s turning something into something else. Taking lead and turning it to gold over time.
Also, it’s worth saying, be open to where and who your healing and your lessons might come from. It might surprise you.
The same friend also said to me pretty soon after we met that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You can’t predict which one that will be and one is not better than the other.
So, with all that said, what would you do differently if you knew today might be your last?
Stay open. Stay humble. Live more. Do what makes you happy. Focus on what really matters.
Fx
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Adulting 101
I’m always talking about how the things I love to teach most I consider ‘humaning 101’.
But I want to talk about the elephant in the room that comes along with that.
And that is, ‘Adulting 101’.
Why?
Because in one week I had a total of 7 people say the same words to me. ‘I really thought I’d have my sh1t together by now’.
These people, some of my favourites, beating themselves up because for some reason they believe that by a certain age we’re supposed to have everything clicked into place and know what we’re doing.
And in all honesty, nothing could be further from the truth.
I saw a quote that I loved recently and I'm sorry I can’t give credit to the original creator because I can’t find it but it was ‘I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.’
Yes it made me lol but I actually think this can spark a really important conversation.
I’ve said it 1000 times that so much of ‘the work’ is simply learning how to deal with the inevitable stuff that life throws at you, and how reframing each of those things as growth opportunities can hugely help.
To live a happy and fulfilling life we MUST let go of the notion that that is what life is supposed to feel like all of the time.
It’s just not.
So much of the healing work is about breaking the patterns of historic triggers, recalibrating and rewiring neural pathways and your nervous system and constantly creating a new baseline of safety in your body and increasing your window of tolerance.
Literally increasing your capacity to cope with what life throws at you.
Life IS going to throw things at you.
You ARE going to be tested.
I believe that learning to not see challenges as big, bad, scary things but things that we breathe through and grow through.
I’m so grateful for the work I do and the knowledge I have around how to do this because it genuinely is easier than most people think, which is why I'm always hammering home to go back to basics and prioritise the basics.
I’m definitely not saying it’s always easy, especially at the beginning, but it is simple.
Learn to regulate your emotions and your nervous system and your life WILL get better, easier, happier, more calm.
That’s what I believe our priority is when we’re talking about ‘adulting’. It makes all the difference.
Think about the level of responsibilities that grow as we get older.
You might have kids, elderly parents, friends or family who are unwell or struggling, mortgages, our own health and wellbeing, job security…or lack thereof. The list really is endless.
And because life crises really don’t tend to follow a predictable or linear pattern it can sometimes feel like it’s one thing after another.
We also love to attach our age to this. Like I said, 7 different people uttered the words ‘I thought I’d have my sh1t together by now.’
That’s just a big fat lie. We think as kids that the adults in our lives have it all together. It’s interesting to consciously look back, or have the conversation with parents or grandparents and ask their perspective on where they were at your age. You might be very surprised at the answers you get.
This is one of the things I've actually loved as an adult. The dynamic can shift with your parents and you can have totally different conversations and ask the hard questions.
If you feel like you can, I wholeheartedly recommend doing it, it can be incredibly cathartic.
So, from my perspective, ticking the boxes you think you ‘should’ have ticked as an adult really means nothing.
I thought I had ALL the boxes ticked, I’m turning 40 next year and life turned completely on its head.
I did not think I would be nearly 40, nearly divorced, living with my parents and all the other things that have happened over the last 12-18 months.
It was not my plan.
I had everything I thought I ever wanted on paper.
But you know what…I couldn’t be prouder of myself.
Even though there’s a long way to go still and some pretty horrendous next level adulting coming my way over the next few months, I can genuinely say that I am the happiest, calmest, most peaceful, confident, solid version of myself.
I did that.
No one else.
And I did it through my own bravery and gumption to do the big, hard, scary things I needed to do to get there.
To stare uncertainty in the face and say ok, I’ve got this.
To put myself and my own wellbeing above anything else.
And I know there’s lots of you out there doing the same right now and might not be recognising that this is the adulting stuff that matters.
Removing yourself from situations that aren’t good for you and don’t make you feel loved and respected is a huge act of self care.
Making big decisions that might go against the grain or against what you had hoped for yourself and your life.
Staring fear in the face and doing it anyway.
Respecting yourself enough to say no, I deserve better, I’m worth more.
That’s huge.
Leaving the relationship, getting out of a toxic situation, changing careers, starting or quitting the business, leaving the situationship.
Yes it can feel like one thing after another.
But the thing you think you should have done or be ‘at this age’ is not the right version of adulting to focus on.
That’s not the important stuff at all.
Do you like yourself? Do you respect yourself? Are you proud of yourself?
If the answer is no to any of those things, are you working towards it?
That’s just as brave!
I promise you no one has their sh1t together.
No one.
Doesn’t matter how old you are, or what you know. No one has it all figured out.
But knowing you’re going to be ok in the process is what matters.
Consciously living according to your values and belief systems is winning at life!
Making hard decisions and doing the right thing by yourself and other people is winning at life.
Knowing that you’re going to mess things up and get things wrong but you’re still a good person is winning at life.
Don’t focus on the material or societal things you think you should have by now.
Don’t focus on the notion that life should be rosy all the time.
You’re probably doing way better than you think!
Fx
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
How To Make Friends As An Adult
I wanted to follow on from last week's episode around how to navigate friendship break ups as an adult with how to make some new ones!
I know a lot of people struggle with this, for some reason it can just feel harder as an adult.
For all the introverts and enneagram 5’s out there going nooooooo I don’t want MORE people to deal with, sorry not sorry!
Humans are social creatures, we seek to belong somewhere. That can look totally different for different people. It could be that one person you know has your back, it could be sharing interests, family, community etc.
Our growth and development lies in our interaction with others.
A huge way we heal is relationally. We can co-regulate with other people. Our emotions are contagious.
Friendships form a hugely important factor in that.
There are countless studies on the positive effect of friendships on depression, our health and well-being.
Many people refer to their friends as ‘chosen family’.
But how do you do find them as an adult?
Some obvious ways to find some new friends is through work. Remote working has caused a fair few issues in this respect because it’s hugely difficult to form bonds with people if you’re on your own most of the time.
Companies have recognised this and are adapting with many moving to a hybrid model and essential days in the office.
But if you work for yourself it’s even more important to make sure you’re doing what you can to connect with like minded people. This is where networking events come into play.
It can be incredibly lonely running your own business so the first thing I did was make sure I was always meeting new people and I've made friends for life through it.
There’s something magical about just being around people who think in a similar way to you and want to achieve similar things that makes everything easier and faster.
You will not be surprised when I say that having a good level of self awareness is really going to help you with making new friends as an adult.
Having a clear understanding of your own boundaries, interests, priorities, values, what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what’s important to you etc. What would you love to learn or do more of?
This is all so important in being able to understand your own behaviour within a new friendship and also who might be good or…less good for you.
Embrace new hobbies and interests and don’t fear being really bad at new things…because let’s be honest, you probably will be! It’s really important to maintain a growth mindset when it comes to doing new things, you’re not supposed to be great at it straight away, you’re there to learn with other people in the same position. Allow yourself to see the humour in it, or surprise yourself if you’re a natural, win win!
One thing you definitely will need to do is put in the effort. It will not just come to you. So once you’ve done the self exploration I just mentioned, have a look locally for classes and events and GO! You will not be the only one on your own there and it’s always a nice talking point to find someone else in the same position.
Say yes more, when you have the capacity to. A lot of friendships form through friends of friends. What’s the worst case scenario, you say yes to something, go, don’t enjoy it and leave? The likelihood is that if someone is friends with your friends, you might have some things in common.
Perhaps you might want to consider volunteering for a cause that’s important to you.
Get yourself on neighbourhood apps like next door or make an effort to introduce yourself to your neighbours.
Bumble actually created a friendship version of its app called Bumble BFF. So if you’re not up for dating you can literally put yourself on there to find friends. There’s one for new mothers called Peanut too. There’s lots of them out there. You just need to decide you want to put yourself out there and do a little research.
The biggest thing that needs to be essential when finding new friends as an adult is to put yourself out there and be yourself. Yes this can feel easier said than done sometimes. It’s very high in my value system so I do find this easy. If anything I find it harder to be ‘less’ me. I don’t see any point being anything else or toning myself down because I know I'm not going to attract the right people into my life that way. Plus it’s exhausting.
Rejection can be painful but I really believe that being yourself 100% and someone not resonating with that, really isn’t personal most of the time.
What do I mean by that, because it sounds like it would be pretty personal right? I mean, if you are yourself and that doesn’t fit with someone else. It does NOT mean anything negative about you.
It simply means you’re not a match. Most people won’t be. You’re trying to match interests, values, beliefs, one of you might be a night owl, one might be an early bird. It’s about compatibility, not not being good enough, being different.
Of course opposites can attract and having fundamental differences doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t be friends. But what it also doesn’t mean is there is anything wrong with you, or them. You just simply might not align at this time in your life for what you’re looking for in someone to spend time with. That’s totally ok.
Childhood and teenage friendships can be brutal. I choose to believe that if you can learn to know your own worth, adult friendships really don’t have to be that way and can actually be the opposite.
I think adult friendships can bring joy, healing, growth and so much more.
You’ve just got to be brave and put yourself out there to find the right ones.
Approach it positively and with excitement about all the fun things or deep conversations you’ll be able to have.
There can be so many reasons we might be ‘in the market’ for new friends. It could be you’ve moved away, you’ve ‘broken up with’ a friend or friendship group because your values no longer align. You might have gone through a big life change like a relationship break up which inevitably means people take sides and you might have drawn the short straw.
Look forward to all the things that come with new friendships based on who you are at your core and where you’re at right now.
It’s a beautiful thing.
Fx
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
Navigating Friendship ‘Break-Ups’ as an adult
Friendship brak-ups are a natural part of life.
But no one really talks about the intense pain that they can cause.
Friendships come and go. One minute you think someone is your ‘ride-or-die’ and then something shifts.
At the end of the day, life happens. Sometimes life happens and it creates a seismic shift in who we are.
It’s natural.
But it doesn’t mean it isn’t painful. Sometimes even more painful than romantic break-ups, so it deserves a little attention because I know a lot of people are navigating these sorts of things at the moment.
I certainly have over the last year or so.
So, why do friendship break-ups happen?
Sometimes it might be a betrayal, a move away, a lifestyle change. Fundamentally it tends to come down to one thing.
Different core values.
Our core values shift and change throughout our lives as we go through experiences and learn lessons.
It’s not to say it’s for worse or for better but they definitely shift so it’s always a good idea to keep coming back to your analysis of them and being really clear.
The more clear you are on your core values, the easier you’ll find many situations to navigate because you’ll really understand why something feels off or awful. You’ll understand why you might value a brand new friendship more than someone who has been there your whole life.
As we age and grow these things change and we also get less ok with tolerating someone pushing our boundary or value buttons.
A lot of the time when we form friendships, particularly when we’re younger, it’s because people live near us and like doing the same things as us.
It might be a shared sense of humour, interests, a number of things.
When we get older it shifts to how we behave. What we value. Do we fundamentally behave in ways that we value, to ourselves and others?
When you want to change something about your life, it might be eating healthier or getting fitter, or starting a business or becoming a parent for example, the best thing you can do is to get around people who want the same things as you. Or already have the things you want. People who fundamentally share and understand where you’re at.
But how do you know if it’s time to let go?
The biggest way is to be really mindful and conscious of how you feel around this friend.
Do they add or subtract positive things in your life?
Do you feel judged or unimportant?
Name what you feel.
I think as you get older and your priorities shift you realise that you simply don’t want to be around people who don’t add value to your life.
You’re too busy for starters! It’s like taking a Marie Kondo attitude to the emotional side of your life. Does this person spark joy?
At the end of the day, if you value reliability, consistency, contact and you have a friend who delivers precisely the opposite of that then you’re signing yourself up for constantly feeling let down and hurt. It’s not that one or other of you is technically ‘in the wrong’ but you have a difference in your value system. No right or wrong, just a mismatch at this time in your life.
It’s worth noting that friendships that end for whatever reason, doesn’t always mean it’s forever. I’ve had plenty of friendships where we’ve drifted apart, sometimes more dramatically than others, and come back together a few years later when we were more aligned again in terms of our values.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Listen, listen, listen.
SO many things can be sorted and changed through these two things, and they’re probably the very things that get missed out the most. They’re vulnerable. You need to be brave and speak your truth but also be open to hearing things you don’t like to hear about yourself.
Particularly because we put so many stories and assumptions on other people’s behaviour. Sometimes things are going on for people that we just don’t know about. Sometimes people’s capacity is totally depleted due to what’s going on in their lives and we might have absolutely no idea.
Compassion and understanding first.
You don’t want to make a decision to end a friendship or distance yourself from one without being able to say you communicated everything you needed to and also heard their side and you did everything you could at this point.
If you feel you need some distance, that’s ok.
Remember that it’s normal to feel a profound sense of grief when a friendship ends. Allow it to be there. It makes sense!
Being able to take responsibility for your side of the fence is hugely healing and important, while it may not be fun. There can be important lessons hidden in there and it takes two to tango. It’s not about blame or fault but we will always have some sense of responsibility there that might be an opportunity to learn and heal.
There certainly was for me.
One of the best things to come from my turbulent year has been the reconnection I've created with a lot of friends.
I took responsibility for letting the friendship fade, reached out and I've got some incredible people back in my life now that has led to a huge amount of fun and gratitude and feeling supported. It really has been an amazing journey. It takes guts to reach out to someone and say ‘Hey, I'm so sorry it’s been a minute, It’s on me. I’d really love to see you and catch up if you’re game.’
The other thing I've done is made new friends. New friends are often more aligned to your values and they can come in all shapes and sizes.
With the amount my life is going to continue to keep changing over the next year I'm so excited to meet all the friends I haven’t met yet.
The same is waiting for you. There is always a new or rekindled friend right around the corner. It doesn’t stop friendship break-ups being incredibly hard and painful. It does mean you have an opportunity to keep growing and improving and being around people who make you feel amazing and vice versa.
We all deserve more of that.
Fx
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
What Is SAD And How To Handle It
As we’re getting deep into cosy season now in the UK I wanted to talk about something that I personally think is really important to be aware of.
And that is SAD.
Seasonal Affective Disorder.
This is where when the cosy season and dark mornings and nights draw in, a lot of people can feel like they’re in a big old funk and have no idea why.
So what is SAD and how can we deal with it?
Please bear in mind I’m not talking here as a medical professional but from my own experience and understanding of what boosts mood. So as always please do your own research and talk to your GP if you have any worries or concerns.
Seasonal Affective Disorder, otherwise known as the ‘winter blues’ or SAD, is essentially a type of depression and low mood that is affected by the seasons and changes in daylight hours.
And, according to the NHS, over 2 million people suffer with it in the UK alone.
It can leave you feeling withdrawn and unmotivated. Like you don’t want to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone.
It can be harder to stick to your routines. You might feel you need to sleep more and crave and comfort eat those carbs more.
You might feel lethargic, general low energy, low sex drive, increased anxiety.
It often leads to us doing more of the very things that we know don’t make us feel good, and less of the things that do, so you can get into a little bit of a vicious cycle with it all.
Which is definitely not pleasant all round.
The reason I wanted to highlight it is because you might be sitting there wondering what the hell is wrong and why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and beating yourself up for it when you might not be able to put a finger on a reason.
And we don’t want that because it really doesn’t have to be that way.
My firm belief is that often an understanding of where these kinds of thoughts and feelings are coming from, and what’s really happening in your brain and body, can really dissipate the control and affect that they can have.
You know I'm all about that sweet sweet awareness! For good reason.
It’s not all doom and gloom, there are lots of things that you can do to ease it and take back some of the control for yourself.
You won’t be surprised but funnily enough, selfcare is even MORE important in these seasons if you’re struggling with SAD.
Consciously making sure you’re catching yourself in the moments where you’re about to do something that you KNOW makes you feel worse and consciously doing more of the things that make you feel good.
I think of it as bubble bath season. I know baths are absolutely cliche when it comes to talking about self care but they really are my ‘thing’. Put me in a bath or a hot tub and I am happy as Larry. Calm, zen, at peace, doing my breathing exercises. You will not see me for at least 2 hours and trust me when I say I’m going to be using all the fancy oils and products.
Exercise is always going to be a winner when it comes to low mood. Movement of any kind within your own capabilities is absolutely fine. We all have our own limits to work with. It’s about finding any possible ways around them that you can. If exercise isn’t possible for you for whatever reason it’s so worth talking to a professional about what might be possible for you.
Watching what you eat. It’s comfort food season and I'm definitely not a subscriber these days to any kind of deprivation and saying one thing is allowed and another isn’t or is ‘naughty’ or you ‘shouldn’t’ have something.
I subscribed to that school of thought for far too long and what I've found is shifting the focus to how you FEEL when you eat certain things really helps you make better choices.
For example, I'm not going to have a huge portion of cottage pie in the middle of the day when I know I have work to do and I'll likely have a glucose spike and feel lethargic and ten times worse.
I might, however, if i'm having a cosy night in front of the TV or a movie and i’m more than happy to be in a cosy little food coma afterwards.
It’s about choice and agency over your choices. If it’s going to make you feel worse and you know it, don’t tell yourself you ‘can’t’ have it, just choose to have it at a time that is better for you and more in keeping with how you want to feel.
Again, not a professional, this is just what has worked for me with a long history of eating and body issues.
I refuse to feel shame about what I eat these days, but I also refuse to make myself feel awful WITH what I eat.
Food has a HUGE impact on mood and we all know it so it’s worth paying attention to how certain foods make us feel.
Take a class or pick a new hobby.
There is this feeling you get when you’ve done something new, or created something you didn’t know you could. It’s such a pure feeling.
Get out there and do the things you love.
Know that you’re likely to totally suck at it at first, but that also doesn’t even matter, if you love it, do it.
Plus there’s the added benefits of meeting like minded people.
Which leads me nicely onto…Be social. Even if that’s just messaging or calling a friend from your sofa.
If that’s all you can muster it’s better than isolating. Isolation usually does nothing but make us feel worse and also pile on guilt for the fact we haven’t replied or reached out to people in a while.
This is something I do all the time. The moment I feel a desire to isolate myself, I reach out. It changes the game every time.
The next one is important, try to get as much natural light as possible. You can also get a SAD lamp which mimics sunlight while you’re inside.
The one I use is from Lumi and available on Amazon. I put it straight on first thing in the morning, I do my make up and get ready in front of it. It makes a huge difference for me.
Embrace the cosies as much as you can. Cosy socks, hot water bottles, blankets, cups of tea, soups. Whatever makes you feel like you’re having a warm hug and feel supported. Game changer.
And finally, if you’re really struggling do not be afraid to seek professional help.
Whether that’s a form of therapy, coaching, acupuncture or other body work modalities like Reiki or speaking to your GP.
The more I study the field of human behaviour the more I’m desperate for people to understand it makes no logical sense for there to be any shame in seeking help.
It’s a hugely empowering thing to do and in all honesty, I believe it’s essential for everybody. I promise you that the vast vast majority of the most successful people you see have multiple sources of help.
This is because they know needing a little support sometimes is incredibly human and the best way out of our own automatic responses is to have them reflected back by someone who can see what you can’t see. That’s how you become the very best version of yourself.
We’re not meant to sit there suffering thinking we’re the only ones to have these feelings. It’s so human and you are NOT alone by any stretch of the imagination. The more it’s out in the open the more we reduce shame and stigma.
So essentially the message here is be conscious, do what you can to look after yourself and not beat yourself up, try to limit doing the things that you already know make you feel worse. Like eating lots of junk that you’ll beat yourself up for and feel sluggish afterwards. Or not being active because it’s cold but you know sitting on the sofa all day is going to make you feel worse about yourself too. Limit that stuff!
So if you’re feeling it a bit at the moment, try doing any of these things and really try to consciously notice any differences in how you feel. Understand it’s likely not YOU. YOU are not always the problem!
Fx
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Say
What do you do when you just don’t know what to say?
Let’s be honest, there’s a huge amount going on in the world that is beyond hideous and a lot of people have no idea what to say.
The fear around getting it wrong and upsetting someone, or being called out, can be incredibly strong and uncomfortable.
This can happen in all areas of life, when something big happens, when someone gives you bad news, when someone tells you about a big health issue, a breakup, when someone is navigating any kind of loss, so many situations that can leave you speechless or on wobbly footing in terms of how to handle it or what to say.
So I thought it would be helpful to do a little dive into how to handle it.
First things first, and something that should be obvious but often isn’t.
It’s totally ok for you to literally say ‘I don’t know what to say, I'm lost for words.’
You don’t have to, and aren’t supposed to have the answers all the time.
You’re allowed to not!
So give yourself a break and allow yourself a little space to be vulnerable and honest. Most people appreciate and respect that.
Pay attention to what’s going on in your body.
It’s really common for people to feel anxiety in moments where they don’t know what to say.
If you notice that coming up for you this is a great moment for you to do a quick breathing exercise before you choose to respond if you have the option to do so, so if you’re replying over text for example.
You can use the 4-7-8-3 technique, in through the nose for 4, hold for 7, out through the mouth for 8 and repeat 3 times.
You can use heart math, around 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out, slower and deeper than you normally would.
If you don’t have a minute or two to do this there are plenty of techniques you can use in the moment. Simply take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
Then respond.
Deep belly breaths through your conversation will also be incredibly helpful.
This will help you be in the right part of your brain to be able to provide the best response.
The stress response will put you into a state of fight or flight and take away your rational thinking processes, which is not what you need.
Using your breath to get you back into a parasympathetic state will allow you to access your prefrontal cortex, which you need for rational, conscious thinking. It will also allow you to be more present.
It’s important to remember, sometimes no words are actually needed. You can simply give someone a hug!
You can even ask someone what they need or how they would like to be supported.
Sometimes people aren’t looking for words of advice or anything to make them feel better, sometimes that’s just not possible and we must recognise a need to jump into ‘fix it’ mode when sometimes there are impossible situations where nothing can be said in the moment to ease the pain or tension.
So simply saying something like, ‘I’m here for you, whatever you need’ or ‘What do you need right now?’
Even just doing things for someone who is struggling to ease the mental load. It can be tricky, or not appropriate, sometimes to ask someone what they need, sometimes they’re totally overwhelmed and they don’t have the words to say how you can help. Only you can judge the situation.
Sometimes jumping into action without words is what’s needed.
Making someone some meals so they don’t have to think about it. Tidying or cleaning the house for them. Running errands or picking up the kids.
Rallying round someone with no words is often incredibly powerful and can mean the world to someone in a crisis.
Ask yourself what YOU might want or need in a similar situation. What would you want to hear?
In terms of things that are going on in the world, if you’re running a business or have a presence online, please remember that you don’t have a responsibility to find words.
You’re probably not a political correspondent or sociologist or someone with full understanding of a situation.
It’s ok to say that. It’s ok to say you don’t understand the whole situation and you’re educating yourself and sharing a reliable resource if you want to. It’s ok to communicate how you feel or literally just say you don’t have the words.
You can simply validate someone’s feelings. You can say something along the lines of, ‘That must be so hard, I'm so sorry’. ‘I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this’. ‘I can’t even imagine what this must be like for you. I’m here for anything you need.’
The crux of it is to listen more than you speak. Ask questions and really hear the answer. Empathise and validate and be honest with your own thoughts and feelings.
Even though I literally have a degree in communication I've learned SO much about it in the last 12 months or so and it’s life changing.
Not everyone is going to be able to meet you where you’re at but if you can live with honesty and integrity and open communication you genuinely will change your life and avoid so many uncomfortable situations.
Focus on connection, try to stay out of your head and drop into your body and really just be there with someone or be there with your own thoughts and feelings and pay attention to what you notice.
There are so many situations where ‘I don’t know what to say’ is perfectly ok. It’s honest.
Let go of creating an ‘outcome’ for someone. You don’t need to. It’s such a natural thing for someone to want to change something for someone. It’s worth asking yourself, ‘Am I looking for this outcome for them, or for me?’ It can be confronting for sure but the answer often helps shift our approach in the moment.
If it’s appropriate you can signpost some resources for them. If you don’t feel equipped to talk about something or handle a situation or you feel out of your depth, do some research and find some relevant resources and send it across and say ‘I saw this and thought it might be helpful’. Or if it’s something that helped you or someone you love, ‘I wanted to send this in case it was helpful, it really helped me.’
So many people just want to feel seen and heard.
Remember, no one has all the answers. You don’t have to either.
Fx
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
The Art Of Surrender
This is a little bit of a follow on from last week's episode about the identity death and rebirth process of change, so if you haven’t listened to that episode yet I suggest you start there.
When we’re talking about any kinds of changes and identity shifts in any way we need to learn to let things go.
We need to learn to be in those moments of uncertainty and essentially, surrender to the process.
So this is all about the art of surrender.
This is something it took me a while to truly learn.
I’m an enneagram 6 so naturally I'm quite the planner. I’ve always liked to look at all potential outcomes with a tendency to veer towards the worst case scenario.
So this is a valuable skill to learn because that’s no fun. It makes everything feel harder, like you’re swimming against the tide or pushing water uphill.
It’s recognising that trying to control everything is a protection mechanism. It FEELS safer BUT there’s a LOT more mental suffering involved than there needs to be.
It’s about literally stopping fighting with yourself and the process. Learning to handle all the things that can make it more difficult.
So we’re talking about releasing the need for control.It’s about allowing, not controlling or forcing. Even when you say those, which feels easier and more enjoyable?
How many times have you suffered in your own head about a potential or worst case scenario and the reality was far better. That has its merits at times for sure and is certainly where I've spent most of my life. BUT, what if you can have the same outcome WITHOUT the suffering in your own head first?
That would be better, right?
So it’s learning to trust that whatever the outcome you WILL be ok. This is something I really live by. I have ‘everything happens for a reason’ tattooed on me in latin. Many people cringe at that phrase, and I get it. For me it really is a life philosophy and my interpretation of it really is how I've learned to surrender.
It’s not my natural state of being by any stretch of the imagination. But my solid belief is that whatever happens to me (or FOR me, wink, wink, nudge, nudge) no matter how awful it feels at the time. I completely trust that something good will eventually come from it.
Even if it takes time.
I know in my bones that eventually I will be looking back and saying, that was awful, but if it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who and where I am now.
It’s a solid belief system for me. I got there by looking at the evidence across my whole life. It’s ALWAYS been true. Even the darkest of things has had a positive outcome or lesson that I'm grateful for eventually.
When you have that, you don’t feel the need to control as much and do the all important process of not having an attachment to the outcome. It’s hugely freeing.
It’s another reason why I call it growing pains. It doesn’t stop it being painful at the time. All change is painful, like I said last week, we’re fighting against our unconscious programming and our nervous system’s idea of what’s SAFE. So it’s going to be uncomfortable.
There are a few other things you can do to lean into the art of surrender.
Firstly, you really have to know what it is you’re working towards or moving away from. Knowing what that looks like and at the same time being open to it being a bit different, better even. How many times have you heard someone say ‘it’s even better than I could have imagined’?
Be open to a few potential nice surprises along the way. ‘This or something better’ vibes! Stay open. Stay curious.
Deal in truth, not story.
Figure out what the story is lying underneath the truth. What are your biggest fears around you not controlling the outcome? What would you do if those things actually happened? Where could it lead? Question everything. Is it REALLY true? What else could be true?
Remember that momentum can be QUICK. Things can feel like you’re totally stuck and things are never going to change, then the next minute your entire life is different and everything has clicked into place. So try not to focus on the negatives of where you’re at right now, as long as you’re taking action you ARE moving forwards.
If you’re needing to let go of a part of yourself or something or someone in your life, recognise that it is NOT a failure. Things change. People change. Circumstances change. Let go of what you know in your heart isn’t good or right for you anymore. What’s more painful, the pain of staying where you are or the pain of letting go? Only you can decide.
Educate yourself and understand the inevitable parts of the process.
Keep reminding yourself of what you’re moving towards.
When you find yourself too much in your head, get into your body. Go for a walk, move in any way that feels good to you, breathe deep belly breaths, meditate. Don’t forget that the mind influences the body, but the body also influences the mind. I find it one of the quickest ways out of my head and back to regulation and it’s training you out of overthinking the more you do this.
Let’s be honest, where has trying to control everything got you so far. Where can you honestly say that approach has been the best and the way that you’d suffer the least?
How would it feel if you could let go of the reins a little bit?
Ease off the mental load.
Protect and prioritise your peace.
You’re not supposed to know all the answers, and no one ever will!
The art of surrender is not about not taking action. Far from it. It’s about taking action with deep trust that it’s all going to work out how it’s supposed to.
Think about how and where you could practice this during the rest of your week and see how it goes!
Fx
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
The Identity Death And Rebirth Process of Change
I want to have a chat with you today about the rollercoaster that is the identity death and rebirth that you experience during any big changes and transformation work.
It’s worth talking about for so many reasons, including that it hugely helps you understand certain thoughts and feelings that are highly likely to come up for you.
It also helps in understanding why it can sometimes feel so tough and even when we really want to change something and why we might procrastinate and avoid it and feel like we’re in a constant battle with ourselves.
We have to start by being honest that any big change is normally a total identity shift.
Sometimes referred to as an ‘ego death’.
The ego is literally the sense of self and what protects that sense of self.
It’s a huge part of the work of Joseph Campbell and the Hero’s journey.
It’s your very own little hero’s journey, and we all know how they tend to pan out.
Usually these ego deaths are absolutely for the better, but it involves you going against your current unconscious wiring and programming which funnily enough, registers as a life or death situation to your nervous system and your ego to get to the other side.
The rebirth or awakening if you will.
So whatever change you’re currently in, whether it’s a new career, a new business, navigating loss of any kind, weight changes, all the various phases of parenthood, anything. You’re going to bump up against a few things along the way.
Trust the process and trust that it’s leading you to where you’re meant to be and somewhere where you’re even more ‘you’.
It’s stripping back the layers of the onion to get back to who you really are at your core.
And it can sting!!
Please get all the support you need too, you don’t have to go it alone. That support might look like a friend, a coach, a mentor, therapist or body worker.
They will absolutely speed up the process and turbo charge your growth.
I’ve had so many identity deaths and rebirths in my life and I think it’s a nice exercise to recognise these and write them down as a reminder of how strong and capable you are.
A reminder of what you learned in the process.
A reminder that you’ve overcome every single one of your worst days.
Everything is temporary and evolves and that’s a GOOD thing but something that many of us fear immensely because it’s uncertain and unknown.
My previous identities feel so foreign and unrecognisable to me now, I don’t identify with them in the slightest but I have 100% love, gratitude and compassion for every single one of those parts and previous versions of me.
Your identity is wholly tied up in your unconscious programming, your upbringing, values and beliefs you hold about yourself and the world.
A lot of it is around the boxes you put yourself into.
The experiences you’ve had. The job you have. The level you’re at. The salary you earn. The place you live. The people in your life. The relationships you have.
Pay attention to when you make ‘I am’ statements and how you label yourself.
All of this combines to create our identity and who we believe we are.
Now, when we’re going through a death and rebirth of ourselves there are certain stages you might find yourself in, which even if they’re not so fun, you can recognise as progress in absolutely the right direction.
One thing that frequently comes up is questioning EVERYTHING about who you are and what you believe. ‘Who am I if i’m not this thing or if I don’t have this thing’.
Remembering that the old version of you might already be ‘dead’ and no longer around and a new version of you is coming, but you might be in the inbetween stage where you haven’t fully figured it all out yet.
It can often feel messy and confusing and that’s ok. It’s part of the process and needs to happen and is a really natural and often necessary part of our growth as a human.
You might feel a lot of confusion and a big state of feeling unsettled.
The way I've always described it to friends when it comes to myself is ‘discombobulated.’ You can’t quite put your finger on it but you definitely don’t feel yourself.
You might feel all the emotions under the sun, it can feel like a complete rollercoaster. Please try not to suppress this and let yourself feel what you feel and allow yourself some compassion because it can be, or at least feel like, deep grief that you’re feeling and it needs to be allowed to be there and processed.
The cocoon phase is a big part of it. This can feel particularly confusing if you identify as a social butterfly. You might want to be by yourself a lot. It’s a phase and not forever so listen to it rather than beating yourself up for it. You might feel a desire to isolate yourself from others during this phase. Which is ok, try to communicate it with people though because if you do, they feel informed and won’t make up stories about you not caring about them and then you can enjoy your cocoon guilt free so communication really does make this phase easier ironically.
You might find yourself relating less to your friendship circle. The fun part of this that I've found every time is the new friendships and relationships that develop. Society puts a lot of worth onto longevity but I actually find a lot of the time the people that you meet later in life, particularly after a few deaths and rebirths of self, are the ones that you REALLY resonate with and might be your ‘lifers’.
So it’s clear to see why we might resist it. It can be scary. But remember you still have choices and communication goes a long way.
Let things fall away that are meant to fall away. It doesn’t mean it will always be that way. I’ve had friends who fell away for certain phases of my life and came back and we’re closer now than before.
It’s an evolution.
It’s learning to feel safe to let go.
Know it’s the right thing for right now and trust that if that person or thing is meant to be in your life it will be.
The next phase will see you potentially feeling things like a sense of pride or gratitude. A sense of increased self worth and self compassion. You might find yourself smiling more, feeling more capable, stronger.
So if you’re in the midst of being a glorious little ‘changeling’ and experiencing your own death and rebirth of self and the ego then I see you, I feel you, good on you, you’re a rockstar, i’m proud of you and I hope you can’t wait to meet yourself, it’s going to be so worth it!
Fx
Show note links:
Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran
Freebies:
Grab your FREE ‘Stressed To Success’ meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success
Download your guide for How to journal, for the non ‘dear-diary’ type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101
Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster
Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram
Ways to work with me:
Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app
Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp
For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]
Products:
Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude
Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook
Contact:
Make sure you’re following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!
Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!
For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/
An Exercise For Shifting Your State
Today I have an exercise for you around shifting your state.
Why is shifting your state important?
Shifting your state is a super quick and efficient way to be able to feel more of how you want to feel and less of how you don’t.
Learning to shift your state can help you with anxiety, depression, being stuck in a freeze state, generally getting out of a funk…all sorts of things.
Please remember, as always, it’s important not to avoid or suppress feelings because it’s a sure fire way for them to stick around longer than you want them too.
But shift the focus a little away from avoidance to retraining. Learning this tool is a great way to start rewiring new neural pathways for feeling MORE of what you do want to feel.
A great example of this is a gratitude practice.
The more you consciously focus on the things you’re grateful for, the more of it you’ll start to find.
Gratitude is called an ‘intervention’ in positive psychology because it can shift your negative state to that of gratitude. Plus, the more you do it the more it’s wired in as an unconscious pattern.
It becomes a way of being.
So it’s kind of handy right!
So grab your journal for this one because we’re going to do a little exploration, but first, a little context.
So, I've explained this before but if you’re new here, you have 3 core state ‘categories’ Mental, emotional and physical’ (there are technically 4, the 4th is spiritual but that’s for another day because it takes a little more explaining) and then comes the magic part.
This is a super quick way to get out of most negative headspace. If you change one, you change them all.
Which is another key piece of information to help us leverage a little knowledge about how we tick to our advantage.
So, If you’re feeling emotionally low, beating yourself up or you’re in a negative thought loop, deep in procrastination mode, if you change your physical state (movement, posture etc) Or your mental state (consciously choosing another thought, etc) then automatically your emotional state will change which can be exactly what you need to get you moving again.
Changing your physical state is THE quickest and easiest way out of all of them.
One of the presuppositions of NLP to be aware of is ‘The mind and body are a linked system’ which illustrates this really well. (It also correlates with looking at the vagus nerve and the brain to body pathways)
So if you’re physically feeling a certain way it will affect your state of mind and vice versa. Posture is a really good way to show this.
When you’re feeling down and a bit low what does your posture do and how does it make you feel?
When you’re happy or having fun what does your posture do and how does it make you feel?
Noticing these simple physiological changes you can make are a nice little way to learn to ‘trick’ your mind into believing you feel a different way so it then follows suit.
So catch yourself in those moments where you’re not feeling at your best about to procrastinate or self sabotage in some way and make the decision to do something about it, KNOW you can change it if you want to and if you choose to.
The bottom line is the more self aware of all of these things you are, the better you can manage it and the quicker you’re able to take a step back from your emotions, observe them instead of being consumed by them and go HANG ON...and realise it may not be YOU!
So, we might not want to feel the same thing all the time.
Sometimes we might want to feel happy and energised.
Sometimes we want to feel calm and content.
So the first thing I'd love you to do is identify some of the ways you regularly like to feel.
For example, if you feel anxiety, what would you rather feel?
For me, Peace always comes high on the agenda.
For you it might be different. You might like to feel productive instead, especially if that's something your anxiety gets in the way of.
So the next part is to create awareness around what you normally do that helps you feel that way.
For me, if I'm wanting to create a sense of peace, calm and contentment I know exactly what to do. It will be either going to the gym and then the hot tub or it will be getting out in nature.
I know doing something active will always create that for me. There are SO many other reasons why getting active does that for me but you don’t need to know that for now, you just need to start noticing all the things where you feel that state you’d like to feel.
Once you have your awareness and your list. Start trying to catch yourself in a state you don’t want to be in and consciously do one of those things, and then I just invite you to notice the difference, and how quickly.
Eventually when you’re doing this exercise you’ll end up with a great awareness of how you’d rather feel AND the tangible things you know to do to create that for yourself.
I hope you find this helpful. It was a huge game changer for me and something I still use daily.
And remember, as with everything, the more you practice the more natural and automatic it becomes.
The more it’s wired into your system and the more ‘you’ it becomes.
Fx
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Why we need to understand validation
A need for validation, and where we get it from, is something that can hugely trip us up on our quest for a happier, more fulfilled life.
According to the dictionary the definition of validation when it comes to psychology is ‘recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.’
So why is it hugely important to understand our own individual nuanced version of validation?
It’s inextricably tied into our view of ourselves. Our self esteem, our self worth.
And often all it takes is an awareness of it to understand that a lot of the ways we try to validate ourselves are ridiculous, and we’re missing some more ways that are far more important and create changes in other areas of our lives.
I often think back to why I started this podcast.
It became almost like my own little journal of self discovery and things I had learned through ‘doing the work’ myself and through years and years of study and training.
It made me a bit mad that nobody had told me this stuff before.
Until I realised, most people haven’t been told it themselves!
So I kind of went on a bit of a mission to help people understand themselves in all their glorious humanness.
It’s something that brings me immense joy to know.
It’s something that genuinely creates awe and wonder for me on a daily basis watching other people and witnessing my own thoughts and behaviours and changes and shifts I've been able to make in my own life and the lives of my clients.
It’s game changing stuff and far more simple than we make it.
I believe the world would be an unrecognisable place if people simply understood the way they worked as humans and had self awareness. If they understood on an intimate level what their own individual nuance was in their programming that made them think, feel and behave in the ways that they do.
Understanding validation and the ways in which we seek and try to create it for ourselves, and the ways we validate others, is a huge part of this.
We will all have had different experiences of the messaging that we’re given in society, through our culture, gender, when we grew up, income level, appearance and so much more around what makes you ‘valid and worthwhile’.
I just want to briefly remind you that you are ALWAYS valid and worthwhile no matter your background, upbringing or any of these things.
There’s only so much of this I can cover in one episode but I highly, highly suggest you grab your journal and dig into this.
When you start to unravel it all so much starts to change.
The way you see yourself, the way you see others, the way you start to see the world.
So what do you believe makes you valid and worthwhile?
Is it being in a relationship? Whether you’re married or have kids?
Is it your job title or income level?
Is it the number on the scales or the size of your clothes?
Is it being masculine or feminine?
Is it the friends you have and the circles you keep?
Is it your family?
Is it what you choose to eat?
Is it where you choose to go?
Is it true? Does it?
Does it make you a better or worse human?
Less worthy in any way at all?
Hopefully you’ll start to see what I'm getting at here.
Does any of it REALLY matter?
Does it really matter to YOU?
The trick is to start to seek INTERNAL validation.
The way you do that in my opinion is to start to analyse your thoughts and beliefs and really, truly figure out what YOU think and be open to that shifting.
Really understanding what you think is important and live by it as much as humanly possible.
You might have heard the saying before ‘your word is your bond’. I kind of like that in this instance.
If you consciously choose to live in the ways, and make choices according to what YOU believe makes someone a good person then your self esteem is going to skyrocket.
I’m not saying it will always be easy, particularly at first because you’re going against your protection mechanisms and ingrained neural pathways but I DO know that it’s 100% worth it any day of the week.
So what do YOU believe is the makeup of a good human being?
What qualities do they possess?
What does their life look like?
What are their thought processes?
What do they have? Would they be just as good of a valid and worthwhile human without it?
Look at what you want in your life and really dig into WHY you actually want it. Is it for external validation? Internal validation? You’re not really sure anymore?
What are you judging or not judging them for? (Easy place to start with this one is what do you already judge yourself and other people negatively for right now…what’s the opposite of that?)
This is such a simple but hugely valuable exercise to do.
Always flexing that self awareness muscle which gets you closer and closer every day to living the life you want to live and being the person you want to be.
But also, something worth mentioning that’s slightly different to what i’m talking about in this episode but still very important to mention when we’re talking about validation.
How are you validating or invalidating other people?
This is a huge part of healing too. Feeling understood and that you make sense and your feelings are valid.
There are so many ways that we do this to ourselves and others, toxic positivity is a great example of that.
Ways that we tell people they shouldn’t be, feel or think a certain way.(I’m obviously not talking about the extremes here, there are of course a lot of ways of being, thinking, feeling and doing that have no place in civilised society)I’m talking in general conversation. If someone’s opening up what do you say to them?
Do you tell them other people have it worse? Do you talk over them and go straight into fix mode and tell them what to do instead of just listening and letting them know it makes sense they’d feel that way?
As you go about your week I'd love for you to just notice with curiosity when you feel invalidated by someone or if you notice yourself doing it to someone else. Unfortunately it’s very very easily done and most of us do it often. It’s something we have to make a conscious effort to unlearn.
So, as a final reminder, you are a hugely valid, valuable and worthwhile human being. Wherever you’re at right now and however you may feel about yourself, your progress or where you’re telling yourself you should be.
I said to a new friend recently that I believe life is about constant growth and evolution for the better. Not from a place of not already being good enough but peeling back the layers of armour and protection that we’ve built around ourselves through our lifetimes to get back to being MORE of who you really are. Not someone different, who you’ve always been.
The reality is that often the opportunity to create that growth comes from some sort of pain or darkness, but it doesn’t have to.
We can choose to start looking for that incremental growth consciously whenever we choose to and feel ready to…and I think that’s kinda magical.
Fx
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