The Positive Pants Podcast

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Proud Of You

In the most non patronising way possible, I want to get a message across today.

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of me.

For so many things.

Sometimes you have to take stock of what we're all working against to really acknowledge that we're doing a great bloomin job…even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

There are so many phrases that teach us from little kids to be modest. To not shout about our achievements. It's undesirable to think, let alone say, that we're good.

Good people, good at our jobs, good looking, a catch, good at something.

We're taught to play it down.

Don't you dare think or believe you're good enough for what you want. It's unattractive.

Don't be arrogant.

Don't talk about the things you're good at.

Don't think you're funny.

Essentially, don't like yourself too much…or at all!

This is by proxy what we're taught.

No wonder we have generations of people who can't acknowledge their achievements or worth!

But this also serves to make damn sure we don't notice the little things that we do that are amazing.

So we're going to change that today because you deserve it.

I'm proud of you for getting up this morning.

I'm proud of you for making hard decisions.

I'm proud of you for every time you've pushed yourself beyond your comfort zone.

I'm proud of you for every time you've done something you know is good for you.

I'm proud of you for every time you haven't but you've noticed you WANT to!

I'm proud of you for every hard thing you've done.

I'm proud of you for facing things you didn't want to.

I'm proud of you for every time you've let yourself rest.

I'm proud of you for every day you've kept going.

I'm proud of you for trying!

Some days…that's more than enough!

I added a little prompt into my daily journaling for the non dear diary type (as a recap, go back to episode one but every day it's writing down 3 things you're grateful for, 3 good things that happened that day, something you're looking forward to tomorrow, I also added a challenge that you overcame or learned a lesson from, and nice things you did for other people - As a reminder what this is doing is training your neural pathways to see these things as a default every day. To see the positive every day. To see your progress every day. It's magic.)

The prompt I've added is 'what am I proud of today'. Hopefully you can see exactly why this would be so valuable.

When we think about increasing our self worth, which SO many of us want to, it's actually a lot easier than you think.

It takes a little time, effort and energy to rewire those neural pathways but it's beyond worth it.

It starts with learning for it to be safe to acknowledge our good points, the good things we've done and the ways we're growing.

Learning that it is absolutely ok to acknowledge and celebrate yourself and your wins, no matter how big or small they are.

The last 12 months has been the biggest rollercoaster for me and I am SO beyond proud of myself.

I've made heart wrenching decisions. I've made decisions that are the right thing for the short term and the long term, even though they were all painful and I could have easily looked at myself as a failure in SO many different areas. I've done what's right for me and prioritised my health, wellbeing and peace every day.

I can look back on this time in years to come with tremendous pride.

This attitude is beyond helpful in tough times, it's something I've worked on and cultivated and allowed myself to learn over time.

I've had confronting things to unlearn.

It's not been easy every step of the way but I can safely say I'm proud of myself and I really am my own best friend inside my own head.

The way I talk to myself in my own head now vs most of my life is unrecognisable and that's all available to you.

It starts with allowing yourself to acknowledge your smallest of wins every single day.

Learning to see yourself in a new positive light, every day.

Learning that the smallest of steps are still steps in the right direction, and that if you take a step back, there will STILL be another step forward.

Learning to be KIND to yourself.

Learning to have compassion for yourself.

Learning to understand that YOUR opinion of you is the most important thing and something you have control over. What other people think of you is up to them.

Understanding that it's all possible and that it's possible for you!

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of me.

You deserve to feel proud of yourself!

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Nobody Has It Together All The Time

Without exceptions, nobody has it together all the time.

So why do you think you have to?!

What does it even mean to you to have your stuff together?

That's going to look different for everyone.

For me it's about resilience. It's not necessarily about having everything you ever wanted but it's knowing you're working towards it, even if there are a few bumps and bruises along the way.

What is it for you?

Grab your journal and really get into it and write down what 'having your stuff together' really means and looks like for you.

Feel free to pause, I'll wait.

Now look at what you've written.

Is it actually realistic?

Do you know anyone, personally, not on the interwebs, who meets the criteria?

I wonder, what would they say if you told them that's how you see them?

These are the day to day assumptions that wreak havoc on our self esteem, self worth and mental health that NEED to be challenged and picked apart.

If we can remove the immense pressure we put on ourselves, how different would things look?

Do you think you might be more accepting?

More forgiving towards yourself?

Kinder?

I describe myself as someone who has their stuff together, even when they don't have their stuff together.

What do I mean by that?

For me having your stuff together actually means knowing and recognising when you don't! Then being able to do what you need to do to prioritise yourself and your own wellbeing. To do the things that you know are good for you and know that everything is going to work out just fine.

So really I see it as not having your stuff together at all ha! Quite freeing when you think about it.

Right now, on paper I do NOT have my stuff together.

Pretty much every key area of my life is in flux, or limbo as i've been saying.And i've been doing a tremendous amount of #adulting.

There are so many things I DON'T have control over right now because you can never have control over other people…no matter how much you might like to. Being accepting of that is a skill you can learn. Trust me on this ha!

The amount of huge things I've been through this year is bananas and unpredicted.

BUT, so many people have said to me things like, 'How do you have such a positive outlook on this?' 'How are you so calm, you seem in a really good place?' and 'You're handling it really well!'

Because I am…most of the time. I'm very very honest that there are many MANY human moments along the way.

There have been days where things have seemed hopeless and even when I've said that, I knew I didn't really mean it and I was just having a human moment…and they are allowed!

But there are days where all I see is possibility.

All I see is the opportunity and the growth and potential and I find that magical.

It tends to be out of the hardest things that come the best things and I hold on to that.

I'm very self aware and always approach things with curiosity over judgement. Sometimes other people have a harder time with my emotions than I do because they don't know how to handle them.

But that doesn't matter, I don't judge them for that. But I also don't take on that opinion just because it's theirs.

I don't push away my emotions because I know that's the quickest way through them and to process them.

Most of society have been trained to shun their negative emotions and panic a little in the face of someone else's. Big emotions can make other people uncomfortable and that's ok.

But never, ever tell yourself that they shouldn't be there because they are all clues and messages for something that needs to be dealt with head on, or it's just going to stick around and get louder until you pay attention!

Gotta feel it to heal it!

It's FAR too easy to look at the curated versions of people on the internet and make huge assumptions that they have it good all the time. They don't.

They're dealing with the same amount of humanity as you are! They are lying if they say otherwise.

It's about how you look at and recover from these moments that is the difference that makes the difference and that's what you're looking for.

Not the absence of them. Or to have your stuff together all the time.

It doesn't matter how much you know you will always have human moments, thoughts, beliefs, reactions.

We've just been programmed for far too long that these things are undesirable.

And it's, as always, completely nuanced.

Because we all have different unconscious programming and experiences.

So how could people with all of that going on ever look at things in exactly the same way?

They don't.

There's always ALWAYS nuance to it.

This is where values, opinions, beliefs all come into play to make you the beautiful, perfectly imperfect, flawed and nuanced individual that you are.

And that should be celebrated.

All of this unconscious stuff that we add on top is what causes the issues and when you can look at that with honesty and curiosity about what's there. What stories, beliefs, thoughts and attitudes are underneath the feelings that's where you can create huge change.

So much of what we really want in life is about acceptance. We have to accept ourselves, in all our glorious humanity first.

Be kind to yourself today and see what happens!

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

The Power Of One Conversation

The power that just one conversation with the right person can have can be so underestimated and undervalued and under utilised.

So I wanted to talk about it today, consider us in a little (one sided) conversation right now.

There are far too many people bottling things up for fear of judgement from others, their own self judgement of what reaching out to someone 'means' (for example, you're weak or can't cope yourself)

And that behaviour usually makes perfect sense when you take a little look back over various dynamics when you were growing up.

It can be parents, siblings, teachers, peers.

We learn reasons that it's not 'safe' to talk about our issues. It's incredibly common.

It might be that you were always the one looking after people so you de-prioritised your own issues. It might be that you were taught you had to be the strong one for whatever reason. SO many things where it would make perfect sense why you'd learn to not share.

If you take a look back please, as always, remember to do it with compassion for yourself and not from a place of judgement, blame or shame. Curiosity is your friend here over judgement.

Now, for context, sharing my problems was something that always came very easily to me.

I'm an Enneagram 6 and I would always talk through any problems I had with other people because it helped me work it through in my mind and it always helped to say it out loud and hear other people's perspectives.

This is why you always need to look at the nuance of any situation or behaviour because the same behaviour could be a result of totally different circumstances. We're all individuals and we have to figure out OUR reasons for our programming. You don't even have to KNOW the reasons to be able to identify the behaviour and change it. I just have found that to be the quickest route to self compassion and shifts in perspective for me, and my clients too.

It can also shift based on your experiences later in life too.

I was in a situation for a long time where I felt like I couldn't share my problems or what was going on for me.

I couldn't share what was going on for me for shame, embarrassment, fear of judgement, various stories around how I 'should' be able to handle it myself, all the things!

So I didn't share, I kept it in.

Guess what.

It was the worst thing I could have done and I honestly feel like I lost myself in that way for a number of years.

I'd keep everything to myself and that stress and anxiety would build and build until the inevitable moments where you feel broken and like all hope is lost.

Not fun.

I'm sure lots of you can relate to this.

It's easily done.

So for me it was a behaviour I unlearned due to circumstance and had to RE-learn.

I had to change my stories around it and I had to put myself out there to change the pattern and make sharing 'safe' again.

If it's a brand new behaviour for you too it will absolutely feel tricky at first to put yourself out there and say, 'Hey, can I talk to you, I have some stuff going on.'

The people on the other side create stories too.

So this really does work both ways.

You might think that your strong friend not reaching out means they're totally fine when they might not be.

You might think the person NOT reaching out to you might be being selfish when actually they have their own stuff going on.

So don't allow the story to take over, ask yourself what else could be going on.

We tend to protect ourselves and assume the worst, but more often than not there's an explanation and being vulnerable yourself to say, 'Hey,are you ok?' instead of going straight to anger, hurt or cutting someone off.

There are also moments where we might isolate ourselves. Sometimes it can feel like you're incredibly lonely, but you also don't want to talk to or see anyone.

If I ever feel like this, like I did recently because there's still quite the roller coaster going on in my world where it feels like limbo at every turn sometimes, I make a conscious effort to reach out to people who feel safe to me because I know how quickly something can turn around with one conversation.

So that's what I did.

I reached out and said, 'Hey, I'm struggling a bit at the moment, do you have any time to talk or meet up?'

The trick is to know who your 'safe' people are.

It's easy to find excuses as to why you can't. When you're in self preservation mode you'll always find a really good, rational reason.

That's the trick sometimes…overriding what our unconscious patterns are telling us are good for us vs consciously knowing what's best for us.

In the words of Brene Brown, there's immense power in vulnerability.

You're 100% allowed human moments!

But as with anything, you have to start small and allow the pattern of safety build up in your brain and nervous system.

That might be reaching out to one friend. It might be a counsellor or therapist, it might be a free service offered by charities like the Samaritans.

Allow yourself to build up the experiences where being honest and vulnerable with someone helps.

The worst thing we can do is allow it to sit there and grow when it doesn't have to.

One conversation has the power to completely shift your mood, your emotions, your perspective.

One conversation can find you a solution when you couldn't find one.

One conversation can make you feel validated.

One conversation can help you breathe a sigh of relief or have a much needed release.

One conversation can change everything in an instant.

One conversation can bring you an opportunity.

You just have to be brave and vulnerable and take that first step.

One conversation can create new possibilities that weren't there before.

One conversation could get you everything you've ever wanted.

One conversation can ease your pain.

One conversation can show you all the stories you created to fill in the blanks in your head aren't true.

One conversation can bring you closer to someone.

I'm sure listening to this you're thinking of a tonne of conversations you'd like to have and for whatever reason may have stopped yourself.

Communication is everything. It really is the key to having what you want. Yes it won't always go your way. Yes there might be a little heartbreak or disappointment to contend with from time to time.

But you will learn hugely valuable lessons along the way.

And be honest with yourself, what's the alternative? What is not reaching out or being brave going to get you?

Probably not much better than more of the same right?

Honesty and communication is a winning combination and it really can just take one conversation to shift everything.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Are You Able To Spot The Metaphors Under Your Nose?

There are powerful metaphors everywhere.

Metaphors have the power to completely shift and change how we see a situation.

Let's start by defining what a metaphor actually is.

The dictionary defines a metaphor as a way of describing someone or something by showing their similarity with something else.It's making a point or explaining something by comparing two things that on the surface might not look the same.They can help us connect dots that we aren't seeing by mapping one experience onto another.

So some common examples might be 'Time flies when you're having fun' or 'He's as slow as a snail.'

Metaphors in stories are particularly powerful in helping us understand complex ideas or see how our experience could map across and help us see things in a different way from a more helpful perspective and break down old ways of thinking.

Metaphor is used in so many different healing modalities and therapies, particularly ones that work with language patterns such as hypnotherapy and NLP.

The bottom line is they can be incredibly powerful. And they are everywhere, if we look for them.

So what's making me want to talk about metaphors today?

I had my own little live action symbolic metaphor moment that made me stop in my tracks, and lol a little bit.

And I wanted to share it with you because I think it can be applied to so many things and in all honesty, this little moment sparked joy for me.

I'm going to tell you about it and also see how many metaphors I can get into my story about my metaphor ha!

If you've been with me a while you know i've been going through some big, complicated life changes for the last year.

It's been a rollercoaster.

I've been feeling recently like i've been a little bit stuck in groundhog day and the light at the end of the tunnel of my situation has been feeling further and further away with setback after setback.

I'm not complaining…it's been awful but there's a lot I'm grateful for and I feel like I'm so close to being able to share all my stories and lessons with you and I for one cannot wait for that day.

Anyhoo.

It's safe to say I've been in the weeds and often feeling like I'm wading through treacle.

Every day I'd wake up and I'd open my curtains. Nothing new. Nothing really to notice.

I have a few plants on my windowsill.

I'm a serial plant killer so I only allow myself to have practically indestructible plants like succulents and I still manage to over or under water.

I've also had a white orchid for a number of years and in all honesty, it had seen better days.

The leaves were yellowing and dry and the once proud stem looked like hay with a dead and dried flower at the end.

I had been told more than once that it was dead and I needed to throw it out.

It didn't look good.

The other day I opened my curtains as usual, nothing different.

And I notice there's an entirely new stem, as long as the original one, with 7 buds on!

Every single day I had looked directly at it, this thing that looked pretty much dead and hadn't even spotted the life and the growth that was right in front of my face and it was about to erupt into beautiful flowers.

How could I have not spotted an entire foot's worth of stem when I'm looking at it every single day?

And I realised, how often am I (or we) doing that?

Seeing something every day, thinking it's dead or on its last legs but actually in the background it's growing something new and beautiful?

I know I know, I'm feeling existential but it's true.

How often do we just run on auto pilot and not notice something incredible right in front of our faces?

How often is something amazing happening and growing in the background when all we're seeing is the doom and gloom or the pain of what isn't going right for us.

So what can we take from this glorious little piece of symbolism that brightened my day and created an instant shift in what was going on for me.

Can you be patient?

Can you trust that there are positive and beautiful things happening alongside the pain b?

What growth are you not seeing?

What could be blooming where you're not paying attention?

The funny thing was, and take from this what you will, literally the day after the discovery of me not spotting an entire foot of new growth and 7 budding flowers on my seemingly dead orchid that I look at every day, there was a huge breakthrough in my own life of something that had been growing very quietly and invisibly in the background of something where on the surface all looked lost.

Keep the faith.

Just keep swimming.

Look for those metaphors.

You got this!

Fx

There are powerful metaphors everywhere.

Metaphors have the power to completely shift and change how we see a situation.

Let's start by defining what a metaphor actually is.

The dictionary defines a metaphor as a way of describing someone or something by showing their similarity with something else.It's making a point or explaining something by comparing two things that on the surface might not look the same.They can help us connect dots that we aren't seeing by mapping one experience onto another.

So some common examples might be 'Time flies when you're having fun' or 'He's as slow as a snail.'

Metaphors in stories are particularly powerful in helping us understand complex ideas or see how our experience could map across and help us see things in a different way from a more helpful perspective and break down old ways of thinking.

Metaphor is used in so many different healing modalities and therapies, particularly ones that work with language patterns such as hypnotherapy and NLP.

The bottom line is they can be incredibly powerful. And they are everywhere, if we look for them.

So what's making me want to talk about metaphors today?

I had my own little live action symbolic metaphor moment that made me stop in my tracks, and lol a little bit.

And I wanted to share it with you because I think it can be applied to so many things and in all honesty, this little moment sparked joy for me.

I'm going to tell you about it and also see how many metaphors I can get into my story about my metaphor ha!

If you've been with me a while you know i've been going through some big, complicated life changes for the last year.

It's been a rollercoaster.

I've been feeling recently like i've been a little bit stuck in groundhog day and the light at the end of the tunnel of my situation has been feeling further and further away with setback after setback.

I'm not complaining…it's been awful but there's a lot I'm grateful for and I feel like I'm so close to being able to share all my stories and lessons with you and I for one cannot wait for that day.

Anyhoo.

It's safe to say I've been in the weeds and often feeling like I'm wading through treacle.

Every day I'd wake up and I'd open my curtains. Nothing new. Nothing really to notice.

I have a few plants on my windowsill.

I'm a serial plant killer so I only allow myself to have practically indestructible plants like succulents and I still manage to over or under water.

I've also had a white orchid for a number of years and in all honesty, it had seen better days.

The leaves were yellowing and dry and the once proud stem looked like hay with a dead and dried flower at the end.

I had been told more than once that it was dead and I needed to throw it out.

It didn't look good.

The other day I opened my curtains as usual, nothing different.

And I notice there's an entirely new stem, as long as the original one, with 7 buds on!

Every single day I had looked directly at it, this thing that looked pretty much dead and hadn't even spotted the life and the growth that was right in front of my face and it was about to erupt into beautiful flowers.

How could I have not spotted an entire foot's worth of stem when I'm looking at it every single day?

And I realised, how often am I (or we) doing that?

Seeing something every day, thinking it's dead or on its last legs but actually in the background it's growing something new and beautiful?

I know I know, I'm feeling existential but it's true.

How often do we just run on auto pilot and not notice something incredible right in front of our faces?

How often is something amazing happening and growing in the background when all we're seeing is the doom and gloom or the pain of what isn't going right for us.

So what can we take from this glorious little piece of symbolism that brightened my day and created an instant shift in what was going on for me.

Can you be patient?

Can you trust that there are positive and beautiful things happening alongside the pain b?

What growth are you not seeing?

What could be blooming where you're not paying attention?

The funny thing was, and take from this what you will, literally the day after the discovery of me not spotting an entire foot of new growth and 7 budding flowers on my seemingly dead orchid that I look at every day, there was a huge breakthrough in my own life of something that had been growing very quietly and invisibly in the background of something where on the surface all looked lost.

Keep the faith.

Just keep swimming.

Look for those metaphors.

You got this!

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Go grab your £20 or $25 discount on your Sensate device: https://www.getsensate.com/fran

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

How To Handle Disappointment

Disappointment is something we have all and will all experience at various points in our lives.

Of course there's a spectrum of disappointment that can go from not being able to find your favourite snack in the shop to hearing bad news of varying degrees, disappointment from other people, situations and even disappointment in yourself.

It can be that relationship you were hopeful about not working out.

It can be getting a no for something you really wanted.

I don't need to explain disappointment to you at all. We've all been in the trenches.

But I'm still kind of going to anyway!

The dictionary defines disappointment as sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfilment of one's hopes or expectations.

I think we can all feel that one!

One of the things I have noticed throughout my years of learning about why we do the things that we do, why we react the way we react and feel the way we feel, how our brain and nervous system contributes to that and how we can learn to work WITH that information, is how much my ability to handle disappointment has changed.

I'm always talking about how feeling our feelings is so important and how what we're aiming for when we 'do the work' on ourselves isn't to 'get rid' of 'negative' emotions. Or to avoid them.

But almost learn to befriend them and see them in a different light.

To see negative emotions as part of the human existence that contributes to the sweet sweet polarity of experiencing all the positive emotions too.

To understand them more so we don't fear them or judge ourselves for having feelings and emotions that make perfect sense!

Disappointment is one of those inevitable emotions.

Can you imagine a world when you were never disappointed…ever?

You might think it would be nice, maybe it would be, but personally it would take some magic out of life for me.

Let me explain why I think that way.

Sometimes you can think something is right for you, you want it, you don't get it, it stings.

We've all been there.

However, these moments tend to be the ones that lead you to something even better. Or in a totally new direction that's better for you. Or where you learn an incredibly valuable lesson.

It's always been the case for me.

The last year for me has been full to the brim of disappointments for me.

AND it's also been full of incredible experiences, deaths and rebirths of my ego aplenty, lots of twists, turns and redirects and as much as it might suck sometimes i'm totally trusting the direction and 100% know that there's so much beauty, positivity, happiness, joy and all the other good stuff just on the other side.

When it comes to handling disappointment there's two things to consider.

The short term. What do we actually do in the moment of disappointment?

And there's the long term. This is what we can do to totally change and shift the way we see and respond to disappointment.

You'll be unsurprised that it requires both cognitive and somatic angles.

So the thinking stuff and the working with the body stuff!

You'll also be unsurprised that it involves self awareness and self reflection.

I won't spend too much on the long term things that will help all your future disappointments because I bang this drum all the time.

You need to be focusing on the things that work with your nervous system to create more 'flexibility'

If you'd like a deep dive into this please do listen to my interview with Stefan Chmelik, founder of the Sensate.

The more you work to create balance within your nervous system the less reactive you are and the quicker your recovery is…aka…more resilience!

Focusing on breathing techniques like Heartmath, using devices like the Sensate (there's a discount code in the show notes)meditation, mindfulness, EFT, diet, exercise, sleep. All the key essentials.

So let's talk short term, you're in the thick of the disappointment.

First is to of course allow it to be there without judgement. It makes sense that the disappointment would be there. You get to feel it, often disappointment can come with grief too and it's important that you allow yourself to feel what's there. (Skip to the episode on feeling your feelings if you need help with understanding some of the tools that can help)

Whether that's on your own if you feel you have the capacity, with a friend or loved one or a licensed professional. Surround yourself with good people.

You'll find when you can do that, you'll be able to take a step back and see the situation more clearly.

You can analyse how you were feeling about that thing happening or not happening in the first place. Did you have real clarity in your mind

Be kind and have self compassion.

It's always worth checking your expectations vs reality. Was it a realistic outcome? Were you rigid in your thinking? By that I mean, this or NOTHING else thinking.

The next stage is, what do you want to do about it? What do you want your next step to be? Make sure you don't stay ruminating on it for any longer than is necessary and you take action to move forwards. Whatever you decide for that to look like.

Can you go as far as allowing yourself to be excited about the redirect? If you have beliefs in any sort of 'higher power' getting involved, can you trust it?

What could you learn from it?

Is it the kind of disappointment where it would be incredibly helpful to talk to a professional about it?

Can you get yourself back in the game and be open to disappointment knowing that you're going to be absolutely fine and any future redirects could lead to something positive?

That's often the hardest thing with disappointment, how we'll try and protect ourselves from it happening again.

Can you be brave and stay open?

Sometimes hard things happen, and that's ok. I always love the phrase 'it'll be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end' Kind of says it all really.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Navigating A Career Change When You're 'Older'

It can feel tricky when you've worked hard to forge a career, you've invested time and energy into it, you've climbed the ranks.

Then you realise you just really don't want to do it any more.

Urgh.

Now what.

I do believe this very thing is what creates a lot of the solo business owners we have now.

This comes again from a listener question about navigating this specifically in your late thirties.

And here's the kicker. If you're in your late thirties it's highly likely that what was instilled in you at school was that you decide what you're going to do for your whole life aged 16-18.

You get the grades, perhaps the degree, you get the job and then you stay there and work your way up.

This is a broken model because the amount we change as humans throughout our lifetime is huge.

You cannot and should not be expected to stick in the same career for your whole life.

It doesn't take into account any of the nuance of human existence.

Your priorities will change, your values will likely change, What's most important to you will change, what you actually want to get out of and feel in a career, will change (whether that's a job or a business, the same applies) YOU will change!

The issue is our beliefs and fears around that change. As usual so much of it comes down to our habitual thinking patterns and belief systems.

For example, if you believe it would be intolerable to have a lower salary or job title…you'll find it harder.

If you feel that starting at the bottom comes with shame and a feeling of failure, you'll struggle to do it.

But if you can shift the way you're looking at it all, guess what happens? It changes what you see.

It's also not inevitable that changing careers will always mean a step down or change in income. Transferable skills have a lot going for them!

The other issue is that the majority of women will only apply for a job if they tick 100% of the boxes of a job description, whereas Men will give it a go if they only tick a few.

It's like any change really. What are you making it mean about you?

What can you not tolerate about it?

You may have another 35 years of working ahead of you. You have to be happy doing it, or it has to GIVE you something in return.

You can retrain if you want to.

You can go to or back to university if you want to. A gorgeous friend of mine, Chloe Burroughs, starter her new career and it's teaching non-traditional students. She literally created a career change to help other, older students change theirs.

If that's not proof it's possible I don't know what is.

Of course there are often other factors at play. If you're in your late thirties, as my lovely question asker is, there are usually a lot more responsibilities.

There are potentially mortgages and bills.

BUT…i'm a big fan of asking 'how can i?'. Thinking ok, this isn't ideal but my happiness and wellbeing are important so what would need to happen and what could happen that means i'd have more flexibility in my finances to change careers.

Of course, this is only if you need that. It's absolutely possible to do it without having to take a big dip.

Asking yourself and being really clear on what is an essential need vs a want.

Asking yourself and challenging yourself around what would really make you happy.

Asking yourself what assumptions you might be making is also helpful.

It's a common belief that you need to start at the bottom. You might remember what it was like when you were first starting out. But it is NOT the same situation. Whether you're learning and starting a new business or a new career you have SO many transferable skills under your belt, it's totally different.

People in their thirties are actually what Gallup calls the job hopping generation.

Think about who you could talk to in your network who might be a way in.

Think about your passions.

Think about what you really want your ideal day to look like.

How do you want to feel in your career?

Speak to a careers advisor to see if there are careers based on your skills, experience and passions that you might not even know exist!

There are so many avenues to go down and it's FAR more prevalent than you think.

The biggest thing I see getting in the way is the beliefs around it 'meaning' you're a failure. Or the feeling that you will be judged as not as successful.

Fear of change and risk.

You need to recognise that it could be a complete identity shift in a lot of ways so you're ego is going to flare up big time.

If you're thinking you're too old to change I urge you to seek the many, MANY stories of people who've totally started over and thrived in their thirties, forties, fifties and way beyond.

Life it too short to believe you have to stay in an unhappy situation. That leads to so many more problems in the long run. Not to mention the toll it takes on you mentally or physically.

Age ain't nothin but a number baby! Don't believe the hype from society. Keep making decisions for you simply as a human being who deserves to be happy and fulfilled.

It's never too late to make a different choice.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

How Do You 'Lean Into' Your Emotions?

You've probably heard me talk about how leaning INTO rather than avoiding your emotions is incredibly beneficial and important.

But how do you actually do that?

What does it look like in practice?

This episode comes from a question from a lovely listener on exactly this so I thought I'd dig a little bit deeper with you today.

It's important to understand that, as with most things, leaning into your emotions is a skill you can learn.

So the first thing to understand is our emotions aren't really the issue at all.

The issue is our own judgement of our emotions.

Labelling some emotions as 'good' and some as 'bad' is one of the ways we do this.

The beliefs we have around what it means if we feel things like sadness, anxiety, depression and what we make it mean about us.

Because the reality is, the more you avoid and suppress them, the louder they get.

Perhaps you've experienced that before?

Much of this is a learned response from childhood. It might have been that people in a position of authority didn't know how to handle your big emotions and you were made to suppress them, or even told off for having them, making them be seen as undesirable, inconvenient and leading to not being accepted.

Leaning into your emotions is the very thing that enables them to move through your body and be processed as they should be within a few minutes, rather than still ruminating on them hours, days, weeks or even years later.

So it's a good skill to learn right?!

So what does it actually mean when we say to lean into your emotions?

Leaning into your emotions means not suppressing or avoiding.

It means really allowing yourself to feel what's there, without judgement.

It means being able to take a step back, observe and allow.

It means bringing in self-compassion in moments of big emotion.

It means acknowledging that all emotions are part of the human experience.

It means being able to not be consumed by them and decode them as you feel them and allow them to be there.

This is when they move through the body.

An emotion itself only lasts approximately 90 seconds but it's all the other 'stuff' we put on top of that physiological feeling.

If you can stop judging your emotions and making them good, bad, right or wrong and feeling like we should only feel certain emotions and not others…that's when the magic happens and your emotions no longer control you.

BUT, we have to learn to feel safe expressing our emotions healthily. You might want to do this with a professional so you have a safe space and assistance.

You might feel comfortable doing this on your own or with a trusted friend. It really is up to you. Healing happens in relationship so I would always recommend working with someone else in the beginning.

You'll find it soon becomes second nature and you're able to feel far more neutral about what you might previously have perceived as 'negative'.

It's not about being consumed by your emotions, it's letting them be there with curiosity.

Again, what does that mean?!

It means being able to observe what's going on for you.

What's going on in your thoughts and what's going on in your body.

Can you name the emotion?

If so, how do you know that's what it is? What are the characteristics?

Where do you feel it in your body?

How are you expressing it outwardly to others?

What do you notice about your behaviour and any urges that come up when you either have, or try to avoid and suppress emotions?

For many people it might look like numbing with social media scrolling, food, drink or shopping for example.

Noticing this is a big key to helping you stop avoiding them in the future.

If you can become consciously aware of your own patterns you are able to override them far more easily, meaning you can interrupt and CHANGE the pattern, recode and rewire your brain and nervous system.

Learning emotional regulation tools to help the process of an emotion moving through your body is incredibly helpful.

For me whenever I experience big emotions my personal favourite is a somatic tool, EFT, otherwise known as tapping.

Think of it like acupuncture without the needles where you're tapping on some key meridian points on your face and body.

It allows the emotion to come up and be processed. It might take a few rounds but you should notice feeling calmer and more regulated.

Reframing negative emotions to be helpful is…well….helpful!

Acknowledging that they have a purpose and a reason for being there and that they make perfect sense can be a game changer.

For example, anxiety is a threat response. In some situations it's a helpful alert system. Unfortunately for many of us it's just got wildly out of control.

Sadness can be a cue to people around you for support.

All the usual suspects I talk about a lot are also incredibly helpful in getting you to lean into your emotions and creating that acceptance and allowing for curiosity over judgement.

Journaling, HeartMath or other kinds of breathwork, movement, mindfulness.

Many of these are in The Positive Pants Toolkit too.

So much of life is almost like learning to dance with your emotions.

Not seeing them as an enemy or yourself as a failure for having them.

It's all part of the beautiful human existence and polarity.

It's about gratitude.

It sounds so counterintuitive that allowing yourself to ACTUALLY feel your emotions is the very thing that causes more balance, peace, calm.

Talking from my own experience of learning this little dance it's incredibly freeing.

Like I've said 1000 times before.

It doesn't mean I don't have emotions, it means I don't judge them or myself and they move on so much more quickly and I can find my peace again.

Calm in the chaos.

You just might not have learned it yet, but once you see the shifts and changes happening it'll become second nature to sit with those emotions and let them move through you.

I hope this helps!

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Things I'm Learning From A Social Media Hiatus

It may or may not have escaped your attention but if you're on my email list you already know…I missed my first podcast episode since 2018. I totally lost my voice for a whole week…and it's kind of an essential tool when it comes to recording audio.

But I'm back. Not 100% firing on all cylinders so please forgive me if there's a cough that I don't edit out.

But, it's ended up being a happy turn of events because had I recorded this episode when I was meant to I wouldn't have had the glorious opportunity to bring the new kid on the block into the mix…Meta's new social platform, Threads!

The new kid on the block that it feels like EVERYONE is talking about!

And if you haven't heard, it's basically Meta's new version of twitte so i'll touch on that a little in a moment..

So… for the context of this episode, It may or may not have also escaped your attention but i've been on a bit of a social media hiatus for quite some time!

I've not really been online at all for a number of months. Either posting or scrolling.

There were various reasons why that started and in all honesty it wasn't 100% intentional at first. I was just doing what I do and listening to what my mind and body needed in the midst of the chaos I have been managing personally.

In all honesty it's been one of the best things I've done for myself and I want to talk about why i've done it and why I think it's been so good.

If you've been listening for a while you'll know that the last year has been quite the personal rollercoaster. Which annoyingly I still can't really talk about yet but ohhh it'll be worth it when I can. There have been SO many lessons learned and SO much growth.

However, it has meant that I have felt like I can't really show up and be authentic on social media most of the time. If I can't be totally authentic I honestly don't see the point.

If i'm not having fun with it and being genuine I'd just rather not in all honesty. In spite of any ramifications in terms of audience and revenue and all that stuff.

I'm all for being a human being first!

I'm still showing up on my emails every single Wednesday and here every Monday…obviously you know that because you're listening.

Because those two places feel good and authentic to me right now.

I've always done my best to make sure that anything I put out is authentic to me at that time and I don't want to feel like i'm hiding things because at the end of the day this whole podcast is about being able to share lessons and knowledge around how to live better, think better and behave better as a human right?

There's also some very 'practical' reasons, which will eventually all become clear, as to why I haven't wanted to be online.

You have to think about what social media is training into your brain.

It's training you to have a shorter and shorter attention span.

It's getting you addicted to the little dopamine hits that come with likes and follows and a feeling of inclusion and belonging.

It's also getting you addicted when that DOESN'T happen too.

It's training you into distraction and procrastination.

It's training you to not be present.

It's training you to use significant amounts of your precious time doing essentially nothing and then feel like you don't have any left.

It's training you to not be out in nature, with people, reading books, to be removed from what's going on where and when you actually are!

It's training you to value the thoughts of people you've never met before over your own.

And I feel like I have all of this back, which is glorious.

I feel more balanced, calm, in control.

Now all this sounds super ominous and it is, IF you're not consciously aware of how you choose to use and engage with it because lets be honest, for all it's faults it can be fun.

Social media can connect you to people you wouldn't have been able to be connected with previously.

As a child of the 80s and 90s I remember what it was like not having that. A time before mobile phones and the era of snail mail.

I remember what it meant if friends moved away or if you moved schools etc.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful I experienced it and grew up in that environment. I'm simply saying I CAN see the benefits in SPITE of the negatives.

With social media and the interwebs it means you can stay connected to people far away. You can connect to people with similar interests from across the globe. You can have long distance relationships etc etc.

So there ARE positives.

You have to be intentional when using and prioritising your energy and emotional resources.

It's so important. You can very easily LOSE yourself to the dopamine hits on social media.

I've seen a lot of celebrities and influencers come out and talk about the negative effect that feeling like they have to be online ALL the time is having on them.

How other people's opinions are affecting them negatively…because let's be honest, social media really can be the cesspit of human behaviour at times.

So knowing how and when to protect yourself is essential.

You're a human being, not a robot, and it's SO important to be able to listen to your mind and body and do what's right for you. Often that means a break.

I've seen lots of celebrities and influencers taking breaks and coming back when they feel better in themselves and i'm glad they're modelling that. So i'd love for you to see that as evidence that the world doesn't implode if you do what's right for you.

Yes of course it likely means a drop in stats, maybe even income. But if you have your ducks in a row then weigh up what's more worth itand/or important in the long term for you.

There's no judgement to be made either way if you're not judging yourself for it.

We only fear the judgements we're already making ourselves, so get that in check and you'll be able to make much clearer decisions.

This is, guess what…where self awareness comes into play! Shock horror.

If you know what your values and priorities REALLY are it makes it so much easier. This includes all the unconscious 'stuff' at play behind your decisions.

What feels authentic and GOOD to you?

How do you measure success?

How do you measure worth?

Where do you see your mental and physical health in your priorities?

If you need a break, take a break.

Figure out how you can make it happen.

Monitor the changes in you.

Go back if and when you feel like it.

Then we briefly need to have a little chat about Threads really don't we.

The success of Threads so far shows that people are craving change.

It's slightly unnerving how many people are talking about how it's more fun over there and they feel like they can be themselves rather than a curated version of that.

It's good that that feeling of safety is over there for now but I think that also tells you a heck of a lot about how much is being forced and fake over on other platforms, which is definitely food for thought!

So with Threads, don't feel like you have to jump on the bandwagon or you'll feel left behind.

Be aware of the addictive dopamine that will be coming out to play.

Notice how you feel when using or perusing.

Does it feel fun and expansive?

Does it feel authentic to you?

If you're having fun, have fun.

If you're not, leave.

So much of our happiness in this life comes from our own conscious awareness of ourselves. Our behaviour, thoughts and feelings.

The same is absolutely true of social media.

Don't beat yourself up for giving yourself what you need and being honest about what you don't.

For me it's been one of the best things i've given myself permission to do.

It's made a world of difference and increased certain thingsin my life like presence, authenticity, calm, time, peace and so much more at a time when all of those things were needed. It feels like the definition of staying in your own lane.

It might give you something different.

It's all about intention.

I've absolutely zero interest in any falseness or fakery of any kind. It's not something I like or am comfortable with in my world.

I've joined Threads to see if it will be a place with more authenticity and maybe i'll find it fun and dip my toe back in the water. Who knows. That's the beauty. You get to choose.

I'm loving knowing that i'm the one in control of my boundaries, time and energy and I get to choose to go back if and when feels right for me.

And in the meantime i'm going to enjoy the connection I feel here and over on my email list.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Other People's Behaviour Isn't A Reflection On You

One of the things I get asked so often is about dealing with other people.

How can we change their behaviour or how their behaviour is making a person feel.

What we really need to control is our reaction to it.

And seek to understand it. Not condone it…understand it. Often that in itself takes out the sting.

While it's true that other people's behaviour is far more about them than it is you, there is one caveat I'd like to make.

It may be reflecting something back TO you, which is where the self awareness I'm always talking about comes into play.

And what other people's behaviour may be reflecting back to you is something that needs healing within yourself.

It may be reflecting back your own feelings of worth and what you deserve.

Which isn't fun!

BUT…when we catch it, that's when we can do something with it.

The question then becomes, 'what lesson do I need to learn from this interaction or what is being reflected here that is actually my own belief about myself.'

Big questions to ask but super important.

When you learn to ask these kinds of questions without judgement, blame or shame then that's where the magic can start to happen.

There can be so many feelings associated when you 'allow' someone to treat you badly.

You might feel angry, hurt, betrayed, foolish, blame yourself…so…many…feelings.

But it happens to all of us at some point.

Whether it's a client, a friend, a partner, whatever the context, we've all let people in who have turned out to be not exactly who they claimed to be at the start.

Or who have treated us in ways that resulted in us feeling less than or awful about ourselves.

And it can be incredibly painful.

Especially when we didn't see it coming.

And in these situations it's FAR too easy to blame yourself for that person's behaviour towards you.

'Why didn't I see it?'

'What does it say about me that I didn't see it?'

'Maybe I deserved it.'

'Was it all a complete lie?'

But that's a double whammy right?!

You've been treated badly by someone else, and now you're treating yourself badly!

No wonder you feel like you can't catch a break.

It's important to be open to learning new ways of doing things yourself. Unlearning YOUR old patterns and reactions.

This is something I'm doing myself in real time at the moment and it's definitely challenging at times but also feels really good.

I'm pretty well wired to sit in discomfort these days and knowing that the good stuff is around the corner.

I know it's good for me and I know it's wiring new neural pathways that are probably far healthier.

Even though it might register as unsafe because it's new and unfamiliar.

But I'm open to it and here for it!

When you allow new interactions to teach you something new you don't ever go back to how you were. It's new information that's being encoded into your brain and nervous system.

I used to get so hurt and upset by other people's behaviour towards me and really went heavy on the self blame and lack of self worth.

That's very different now.

I know different now.

Even when someone REALLY lets you down it's easier to handle.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, of course it does.

It doesn't mean there's no anger and frustration, of course there is.

But I also know it's not about me.

And even when it might be annoying to do so…compassion for the other person can still be found if you want to find it.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Wounded people tend to be the ones to create wounds in others.

You cannot control the other person's behaviour.

You cannot control the way someone decides to judge you or see you.

You cannot control the narrative they choose to create.

None of this is within your control.

It's not a reflection on you if someone behaves badly towards you, it's on them.

It's not your 'fault' and you're not to 'blame'.

Ask yourself the necessary self awareness questions about what it may be highlighting for you to work on in terms of your own healing and how you see yourself.

Hold your head high in the situation.

The more you know yourself deeply, the easier this is.

When you know in your core you're a good person. You know your worth. You know your values. You'll find the less other people's behaviour will affect you.

That's what you have control over and that's where you can create some real change.

If you've been in a situation where there has been any sort of abuse this may take a little longer and I highly recommend getting some professional support too but it's so possible.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing, once you're out of the situation. When you're in it it can feel all consuming and confusing and overwhelming and it can be hard to see the woods for the trees.

But it's absolutely possible to heal, take the lessons, be able to take any responsibility that's yours to take (very important you understand responsibility is NOT blame!) understand yourself more deeply and not get yourself into a similar situation again.

It was never your fault, or a reflection on you.

Some people are deeply wounded themselves and those wounds can hurt others. It doesn't matter the situation. This could be clients, colleagues, loved ones, partners, friends.

Some of the worst situations I've been in where people have treated me badly, although painful, have created who I am today.

I won't tolerate behaviour today that I would have even a few months ago. I'm quicker to learn.

It doesn't mean no one will ever hurt you again. That's just part of a richly human life!

It doesn't mean no one will ever lie to you about who they are and you won't see it coming again.

It doesn't mean you're going to find it easy to trust people or let them in straight away.

It doesn't mean any of that and that's not what we're aiming for.

What we're aiming for is for you to KNOW it's not about you.

To not take on other people's bad behaviour or toxic 'stuff' as YOUR 'stuff'.#

To know yourself on such a deep level that you have unshakable confidence on WHO you are…while also knowing you're always improving, growing and learning and never a finished product. Your feelings might get hurt…but your self-worth stays totally intact.

To know that it's not a BAD thing to want to see the best in people.

To be able to do the necessary self awareness and healing work when it comes up.

You might just come out the other side as the best version of yourself!

Fx

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You Get To Be Picky!

You get to be picky about who and what you allow in your life.

True story.

One I had to learn for myself in many, many ways!

With friends, in relationships, situations I would constantly find myself repeating.

Urgh…we've all been there!

And the beauty is you'll always be learning.

I'm constantly surprising myself on the daily with some of this stuff ha!

All those little 'ooooh I wouldn't have said or done THAT before' moments that make the hard work worth it.

Of course sometimes there's going to be less of a choice in what you can be picky about, that's always going to be the case, but often there's MORE of one that we're not allowing ourselves to see.

So many of us were taught as kids to 'do as we're told' and if we didn't there would be negative consequences.

We might have been taught we have to be polite or else there's negative consequences.

We might have been taught we have to spend time with people we don't want to.

Play nice with people who don't play nice with us.

Like people because we've been told we should or have to. Maybe because they're in our family or family friends circle.

You might have literally just been taught it's not good, or desirable to be 'picky' about anything! Think of phrases like 'you get what you're given'.

It's important to caveat this, like I do everytime I talk about the things that we learn as kids, this along with many other things has always been considered totally 'normal' for want of a better word.

It can be very innocent and no harm intended and remember people are only ever doing their best based on the resources and awareness they have themselves. So we steer clear of blaming and shaming anyone else in our quest for what I call 'the great unlearn'!

We have to unlearn a huge amount of what we were taught as kids because it's not relevant, or helpful now as adults. And often completely untrue as adults.

And we do that piece by piece, not in one go.

This is where the self awareness work becomes so important, so we make sure we're looking at it from the perspective of 'ohhhh this is why I think or do that, that makes total sense'.

It becomes 'yeay me and my brain and nervous system for protecting me!'

Instead of judging ourselves or anyone else.

And this little piece is one of those such things.

You get to be picky about who and what you allow into your space, into your energy to take your time.

You get to do that.

If you have a boss you don't like or get on with, can you change teams or move companies?

You get to be picky about who is in your friendship circle.

You get to be picky about your relationships. On this one it's worth noting there is far more to breaking ingrained patterns than simply cognitively knowing or telling yourself you get to choose. It definitely requires work. But that's all part of the choice you're making to not repeat the same patterns and to change the game in your own life.

You get to be picky about your environment.

You get to be picky about who you allow to take up space in your life.

You get to be picky about the clients you take on.

You get to be picky about whose company you keep.

It's being able to say, ok, I don't like this, what CAN I do about it?

I'm not saying the options are always ideal, or easy, and of course privilege is always going to help in all areas, but they are options and you're capable of incredible things.

The problems come when we don't think we have options. Because you're not going to make peace with that. You'll feel that sense of injustice. But once you see that you can make a decision, and it's more within your control…it changes the game in terms of how you feel day to day.

I always think it's a good idea to do little 'audits' of these things.

Who or what has a positive influence in your life.

Who or what has a negative influence in your life.

Who or what doesn't bring nor take away.

Then get picky about how much time you spend in each!

On the tasks, in the places, with the people.

When you do the work around this and you grow in your own worth, values and boundaries, just watch how quickly the right people come into your life.

Watch how your relationships transform.

Watch how every area of your life improves.

You can't do any of it without awareness of your own patterns.

If you don't do it you're just going to repeat the same patterns of familiarity, which for most of us, don't tend to be good for us.

Seek support.

Seek the stories of other people going through similar things.

Seek the stories of triumph over adversity.

Seek the experiences that prove your current beliefs wrong and allow you to relax into yourself and rewire old traumas and patterns with the new information.

That's the good stuff.

Fx