The Positive Pants Podcast

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Little things for big changes

Happy Monday to you, or happy any day that you're listening!

I wanted to talk about something that I have found to be absolutely transformative in my life and creating changes.

It's things that are very very easily overlooked but can really make a huge difference in how you feel in, and about yourself!

The reason i'm wanting to talk about it today is because i've had a really big focus on it this year and the difference has been huge.

These things become even more important if you're going through a turbulent time, which also makes them easy to ignore or forget about so it does require a little bit of effort on your part.

But i'm going to help you make it as easy as possible.

Now, what are these THINGS I keep talking about?

That will be TOTALLY individual to you.

But it's the things that make you feel GOOD.

Not just good in general but good about your SELF.

The things that make you feel good in your own skin.

The things that lead to more confidence.

The things that lead to you having a different posture.

The things that make you trust yourself more.

You see the knock on effects? They're huge. And all the while you're rewiring these feelings of self trust, self compassion, self confidence to be your new normal, and trust me when I say feeling this way spills out onto everything that you do.

2023 is the year of me. But that's just because it's fun to say and reminds me of the focus. It's about habits.

It's how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself and what you know you want and need to feel your best.

For me it's things like making sure I get to the gym and spa. Firstly because as soon as I drive into the entrance and see the trees I physically feel my nervous system shift.

When I was really going through it before and during my break up it really was my sanctuary. It was my escape. It was where I could focus on me and have the space that I needed to look after myself.

I make sure I get there 3-4 days per week.

Perhaps you have somewhere like that? Somewhere where you just feel safe and calm and in control. Knowing what you need to do to take care of yourself? It might be a friends house, with family, it might be a place in the woods that you walk to, somewhere with a view that calms you right down?

It can be as simple as a favourite cafe. You FEEL the physical shift when you're there. Notice that and notice how you feel about yourself in those moments.

Another one for me is getting out on the river on my paddle board. I find being in and around water incredibly regulating and I also feel good that i'm being active.

Funnily enough, because it's the polar opposite energy, is making sure i'm in London 2-3 days per week. For me it reminds me who I am. It reminds me of the opportunity and vibrancy that is available to me. It means i'm spending time with people, new friends and old. It makes me feel like me.

But I definitely start to tip over the edge after a few days without my green spaces.

I've talked about this before but little things like making sure I look after my skin and moisturise every day makes me feel amazing. Using the posh stuff…just because it's Wednesday!

In the year of me that's where my money goes too. So every time I buy something I ask myself, is this going to make me feel good?

Put simply it's looking after yourself and allowing yourself to know you're worth the effort!

For me at the moment it's all about me time, exercise, relaxation and regulation, skincare,

But it's not about how you look…it's about how you FEEL…which incidentally changes the way you look anyway ha! I've had a fair few people tell me now that i've got more of a 'glow' about me…and i'm not mad about it!

I can't tell you what a huge effect that has on everything else. Including how you show up with other people.

Another thing i've been doing, which I kind of touched on in a recent episode, is allowing myself to be more in the moment. Take things day by day. This has allowed me to open myself up to some things that I would never have been able to do before. And i'm not gonna lie…i'm having a lot of fun with it!

Less in my head, more in my body.

So have a think about what some of the little things might be for you.

It really doesn't matter how small. Practice saying 'will this make me feel good' before doing or buying things.

See how much it changes how you feel about yourself and your outlook.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

How To Not Freak Out That We're Half Way Through The Year

How can you stop freaking out that we're half way through the year?

Good question my friend.

And one I've been hearing a LOT lately.

The amount of people who have said 'OMG I can't believe it's June already' this week is immense.

I get it.

But also…breathe.

It's all too easy to look at these arbitrary made up time frames and 'should' on yourself.

Grab your journal and spend some time reflecting on the last 6 months, I bet you've achieved way more than you think you have.

Don't just look at a list of things you told yourself you needed to do by this point in the year. Really allow yourself to take a look back at where you were in December or January.

How did you feel?

If you haven't achieved that list yet, why not? What's happened?

There's zero judgement here so I invite you to offer that compassion to yourself and ask these questions in a way that is genuinely curious rather than accusatory.

There's a BIG difference.

What happened in your life, or your loved ones, or the world that meant things that were a priority in January stopped being so.

What has been on your plate?

When you set those goals, where were they set from?

A place of them genuinely being YOUR goals and achievable in the time frame? Or was someone else in your head at that point or were you operating from a place of not feeling good enough?

It's SO easy when it comes to goal setting to do these things. I like to think of goals as just that, things I'd LIKE to do…but allow for flexibility!

Things change. Circumstances change.

Spend some time planning the NEXT 6 months, IF you want to, challenge yourself sure, but also ask yourself, what would you be happy with achieving in the next 6 months? That's probably less than you've set yourself.

I always love the quote 'shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll land among the stars'.

Time is a funny thing. It can feel like it's moving extremely fast, or extremely slow. The same 6 months might feel like a whirlwind to one person and a slow wade through treacle to another.

Ask yourself what you're proud of in the last 6 months. But don't just focus on the tangible, financial, obvious goals.

What have you got through that was really tough?

Where did you push yourself out of your comfort zone?

Where did something happen where you allowed yourself to learn a valuable lesson?

What are you making where you're at right now mean?

There are always going to be times of the year where it's natural for you to feel like you're behind where you're meant to be, but please try to remember it's basically a societal construct, or your own!

It doesn't really mean anything unless you make it!

I look over the last 6 months and geeeeeeeeeeez, I'm a totally different person.

I actually didn't set myself any tangible goals other than to take a day at a time this year because of the upheaval and change that was coming…because I set it in motion in fairness. And taking things a day at a time is something I'm getting better at all the time.

There's new people in my life teaching me that too.

I've always had a tendency, as an enneagram 6, to try and prepare for every outcome. To plan, plan, plan.

And sometimes, you simply can't.

As a qualified Mindfulness practitioner I have learned to be intentional about presence and I'm great at creating 'moments' of bringing myself back to the present as and when I want or need to.

But, LIVING in the present is a very different beast.

It requires conscious thought and effort.

I'm letting this year simply be a year of lessons and growth. I don't need anything more tangible right now, and in fairness some people wait a lifetime for that in and of itself. We're just trained to not value it as highly as material goals.

This year there's been a huge amount of upheaval in pretty much every area of my life, which you know if you've been with me a while.

Which has been discombobulating to say the least. And required a HUGE identity shift. But it's been very necessary and 100% the right thing.

But I'm certainly not feeling behind, even though on paper some people might squint their eyes and look at it that way.

In many, many ways I'm ahead.

We have such a tendency to look at certain elements, often professionally, and decide we're behind. Or that we're running out of time.

But we tend to ignore all the ways we've grown.

All the ways we've created big shifts.

So don't try and 'catch up' with yourself, or other people. It really is pointless.

If you could just take a deep breath and look at where you're at right here, right now without all the other 'stuff' you put on it.

What would you see?

What would you do?

Where might you take action?

What might you say yes to instead of no?

Get specific about where you're feeling behind. Is it REALLY true?

What could make you feel or KNOW that you're moving forwards?

What are you grateful for?

So if you're one of the many people feeling like you're behind where you 'should' be in June of 2023…I invite you to take a minute and try to see a different perspective.

The bottom line is, the quickest way to change how you're feeling is to change how you're thinking.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

How To Stay Open When You've Been Hurt

How can you stay open when you've been hurt?

Oof, it's a big question that can be thought about in SO many contexts.

It could be the end of a relationship. Or a betrayal of trust of some kind.

The end of a friendship or a betrayal of trust in one.

Someone you trusted at work, or your boss, didn't have your back.

A family member.

A client or business associate.

We're all human and we all get hurt sometimes. Whether it be intentional or not.

But when these things happen, how do we make sure we don't close ourselves off and go into protection mode to the point that we can never have those trusting relationships or deep connections again?

Or if we have a bad experience with a client, how do we make sure we don't unconsciously fear the next one?

Because that's what we're doing right? Unconsciously projecting our previous experiences onto new ones.

We do this our whole lives, until we're conscious of it.

And when it comes to having what we want, whether that be a fulfilling career, relationship, friendships etc our nervous system is always scanning for threat.

Scanning and assessing whether someone or something is going to cause us pain or be a threat to our identity and ego.

So this sounds like something to work on when it comes to living the life you want to, and are capable of, right?

Good old self sabotage. We're getting in our own way. And it makes perfect sense based on what's happened to us previously and what we've made that mean.

But it's not going to help us live full and happy lives in the long run.

So we need to take a little look and decode it.

Often this feels easier said than done!

The biggest thing to bear in mind is be kind to yourself and practice self compassion. It makes perfect sense on a biological level why it would feel hard to trust again.

Your nervous system is doing its job. So that's a win.

But now you need to consciously work with it to make sure your path of least resistance doesn't become fear and mistrust, because that's not going to help anyone.

So where do we start?

We start by making sure we're prioritising the things that calm our nervous system.

Heartmath is ALWAYS my go to in the moment. I also know I need to make sure I prioritise movement and being around water and making sure I'm outside. All of those I find incredibly regulating.

Doing these things in general are always, always going to be helpful but when you're thinking about the situation that hurt you, or the potential that another situation might, you'll be sending the signals of safety to your brain and nervous system.

The biggest thing for me is always remembering that people and situations are always there to teach you lessons. I was talking to a friend of mine about it being an upwards spiral, you'll continue having to re-learn the same lessons until you REALLY learn them. So question yourself, what could this be trying to teach you?

What good could come from it? What amazing things COULD it lead to IF you stay open?

Do you really want to shut yourself off from something incredible because it might cause you pain again? Which side tips the balance for you? The potential for a happy, fulfilled life with everything you want, or the potential pain of it not working out?

We're human and we have negativity bias and we're always unconsciously going to try and avoid pain. But we can choose to consciously move towards what we want in spite of the threat of pain.

Remaining open after a painful experience is a big act of trust. And that might already be feeling fragile in other ways.

You might have lost some trust in other people, in your own judgement, or maybe even the universe or whomever/whatever you believe in yourself.

And that's hard.

There's no denying that.

And you get to feel all the feelings around that. In fact, I'd say that's an absolutely essential part of the process.

But don't stay there.

Don't let it build into anger and resentment.

Don't tar everyone with the same brush.

When you're in the moment and moving towards a situation that COULD end up hurting you again, ask yourself, am I reacting to what's happening right in front of me right now? Or a moment from the past?

What positive lessons did you learn that ALREADY means this situation won't be the same?

I was listening to a podcast of Brene Brown talking about the anatomy of trust and she nailed it as always.

She talks about how trust is made up of 7 different components that spell out the word BRAVING.

Because at the end of the day, trusting after being hurt IS brave. It's vulnerable.

So BRAVING stands for the following;

Boundaries - If you're clearly communicating them and someone is consistently trampling all over them. They do not deserve your trust. If they don't respect your boundaries or can't have a clear and open conversation about any potential compromise or new perspectives then they do not deserve your trust and it tells you everything you need to know. This comes to physical, emotional and sexual boundaries.

Reliability - If someone consistently doesn't follow through on what they say they will do, you will never be able to create trust with that person. There is no safety or security there. This counts across all levels of interpersonal relationships…including yourself. Keep your promises to yourself and watch some serious magic unfold.

Accountability - This counts both ways. Can you own your own stuff? Can you take responsibility for your own actions and apologise? Can they? Do they?

Vault - I love this one. If someone gives you someone else's secrets, how can you trust them with yours? Simple really. Gossip, as fun as it can be, is a recipe for not feeling safe with someone. Notice how you feel if you stop doing it.

Integrity - Are your words, actions and behaviour in line with your intentions. Do you feel someone lives their values? I said this to my friend the other day too. It's about show me, don't tell me. What are they SHOWING you. How do you FEEL when you're with them? There is a section of the brain that literally scans for incongruence. These are the subtle clues we pick up on physically. We can be over attuned to them when we've been hurt, this doesn't mean we can ignore them but a healthy deep dive into what might be going on is always a good call.

Non-Judgement - This is both parties again. Do you feel like you can share openly with a person, and they you? Do you fear being judged? Do you feel you can set boundaries and have a healthy debate without fear of being abandoned? All huge clues to look for while keeping yourself open.

Generosity. - I love this one. In this context she's talking about assuming the best in people. Being more generous in our assumptions around people's words, behaviour and intentions. Being conscious of when we might be putting something on someone that's actually nothing to do with them.

You have to know your non-negotiables.

You have to remain self-aware.

Remember it takes time, go at your own pace.

Did anything amazing in life ever come without any risk?

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

How To Deal With Selfishness

How to deal with selfishness and lack of thought when it comes to friends and family was a question I was asked this week by a lovely listener.

So I'll take on board what they have said and make sure it's generic enough for everyone to take something from it.

I appreciate the question but it's important to try to consider all angles as always.

It can feel really exhausting when you feel unconsidered, un-thought of, like people are taking advantage of you or expecting from you.

I've definitely felt this throughout my life as I'm sure most of us have.

One thing I learned when starting to unpick it was how I wasn't actually communicating my needs and I also wasn't self aware enough back then to know what was really going on for me and how much I was adding my own colour to the story.

Creating meaning and assumptions that weren't necessarily correct.

Absolutely not saying that's what's been going on behind this question, this is me talking from my own experience with this and what I learned in the process and found incredibly valuable.

The first thing that's worth mentioning is, when people get used to taking, they'll take. This doesn't necessarily mean they're selfish.

For example, If they're used to you being the one to organise things it can be taken for granted and not even be a thought to organise something themselves…because they assume you will! The thought might not even cross their mind.

This is when our conditioning comes in. It's also where autopilot can take over. For the people pleasers amongst us, this is where you can easily slip into feeling incredibly taken advantage of.

It would be great if people could just understand what we might be thinking or feeling without us saying so, but the reality is they simply don't.

So first things first when it comes to dealing with selfish people, this sounds obvious but the vast majority of people don't do this, and that's don't take it personally.

Of course do your own analysis around this and figure out if you think it MIGHT be personal, communicate what needs to be communicated and if you come to that conclusion, asking yourself if that person deserves as much of you or your time in their life might be necessary.

It sounds harsh but we all have our drains and radiators in our lives. The people that sap our energy and leave us feeling drained and depleted and those that give us energy and make us feel good.

We can't always just cut people out of our lives willy nilly and it's certainly not always necessary. There are a lot of steps before that point. However, I am a big fan of loving some people from a distance when you know it's best for you.

Something else to think about is, are you able to step into their shoes and see what's going on for them?

Is there a potential valid reason for them behaving selfishly? There are SO many reasons that are often really acceptable when you take a step back and see if from their perspective.

A lot of selfish behaviour could be conditioning or put down to assumption or lack of communication, it could be It could also be due to a lack of empathy. When selfishness is due to a lack of empathy it's unlikely to change because they simply can't put themselves in your shoes and understand why the behaviour is damaging.

It's always important to consider in any interaction that triggers you in any way is asking yourself, what are you making it mean? What assumptions are you making? What is underlying the discomfort or trigger? What feelings are there for you?

Communication, communication, communication. There's so much that goes unsaid that could be so easily solved if it was talked about. We have to learn how to do that. Start small, dip your toe in the water, if it's relevant, use a mediator, couples or family therapist to help you have the conversations and learn that it's safe to do so.

A lot of it is about learning to be assertive and ask for what you want and or need.

Boundaries play into this hugely too. Identifying your own needs and being able to articulate them.

Remembering your part in the interaction is important, because we always have some responsibility. Please remember also responsibility isn't about blame. Like in the earlier example, When people get used to you being the person to organise, they often just expect you to continue doing it and might not even consider it.

But if you don't communicate what you'd prefer, or how it would make you feel, then they can never know and therefore DO any better.

Ask yourself if they're even aware of their behaviour. If they really knew and understood how they had affected you, how might they feel and what might they do differently? Are you giving them that opportunity?

Remember that the only person whose behaviour you can ever control in any way is your own! All you can do is communicate your wants, needs and boundaries, the rest is up to them.

There is also such a thing as healthy selfishness. Are they simply trying to make sure their own needs are met? The more you're able to meet your own needs, the more able and capable you are to look after others. It's the age old put your own mask on first before trying to help others. You're better equipped when your own cup is full.

Remember, sometimes when someone might accuse another person of being selfish it's simply due to their unmet needs. It's not necessarily about what's wrong or right because everyone has a different map of the world that they're operating from.

There's always another perspective to everything. It's not always convenient but it's always worth looking at.

The bottom line leads back to communication. If you can communicate your needs and someone can't meet them, you have choices.

You're more than worthy of being treated how you treat others, and looked after how you look after others…sometimes people need a little nudge and help to see that.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Change Can Be Fast And Long Lasting

Change CAN be fast and long lasting.

A lot of real, lasting change takes time. It takes effort and energy. Deeply ingrained patterns and neural pathways take time to rewire.

Consistency is key.

HOWEVER…change can ALSO be very fast and long lasting.

This is the idea that you push yourself and give yourself the total opposite experience than your brain or nervous system might expect and you instantly expand.

You don't ping back.

It's similar when you learn something new that blows a belief out the water.

The issue is the pull to NOT push yourself outside your comfort zone can be SO strong that we don't do it.

I feel in a very privileged position to have known this information for a long time.

I definitely used to be the err on the side of caution type. I used to be the 'I could never do that type'.

Until I knew and really understood that I didn't have to be.

That we are all absolutely capable of change.

As you'll probably know I've been giving myself PLENTY of these experiences lately and if you're on my email list you've been getting my regular updates and encouragement to have a think about what you might want to do to push yourself out of the 'I could never do that' camp.

I have never been great at travel. I'd never travelled on a plane anywhere by myself.

I'd never booked an entire trip of many moving pieces by myself.

I consider myself an incredibly capable person but this has always been a bit of a blocker for me.

Until now.

And now I'm planning my next adventure.

I said before I left that I was really excited to see who I was going to be when I got back.

This is exactly what I meant.

Instead of worrying or feeling like I couldn't do anything I had the attitude that I could overcome anything that felt uncomfortable and it would only be uncomfortable short term.

I took the trip of an absolute lifetime and I did it myself.

I had an amazing opportunity land in my lap and initially brushed it off as wishful thinking.

Until it wasn't.

I flew 9 hours long haul to Nairobi by myself.

A friend picked me up a the airport so I felt safe (obviously super important with solo travel, make sure you do your due diligence and have back up plans)

I then hand fed giraffes.

I touched orphaned baby elephants.

I went to lovely bars and restaurants.

I organised, booked and went on a 3 day group safari to the Masai Mara by myself with total strangers. Travelling hours away from anyone and anything I knew and I saw THE most incredible things.

It's been a lifelong dream as an animal fanatic to go on safari and it didn't disappoint.

I noticed I had zero desire to be on social media and allowed myself to really be in the present.

I watched a family of baboons from my balcony on the first day and a family of giraffes the next.

It was baby season out there so I saw baby Zebras, hippos, elephants, giraffes, I saw hyenas, buffalo, cheetahs, leopards, lions and so much more all in their natural habitat. I had a baby chameleon cling to my finger.

In fact, now I mention it and I'm back, I really should spam some of these things to my instagram stories. Ha!

And talking of Lions, our truck got stuck in a hole and in order to get it out, which took some serious manpower, we had to get out and walk across the brush to another truck. We had eyes on two male lions…and then there was one!

I asked for adventure and boy did I get it. How many people can say they saw Lions in the wild on foot ha!

I walked up the Ngong hills. Bought beads from the Masai people. Went to busy bustling markets. I went all over Nairobi in ubers by myself.

Trust me when I say the Ubers in Nairobi are not the same as the UK.

It was a huge culture shock at times.

It was hugely confronting at times due to the extreme wealth and most extreme poverty I've seen.

My privilege smacked me right in the face on so many occasions.

I was absolutely humbled on many more.

I am a different person.

I'm even more resilient than ever before.

If I had stopped at 'I could never do that' I would have denied myself this entire experience and I genuinely feel like a totally new human being.

I feel capable of anything.

I feel energised.

It was exactly the shift I was looking for.

And what I really want you to take from this is that I am absolutely no different to you.

It's just a series of choices we make and one step at a time in the direction of them.

Allowing ourselves to shift and change and form new neural pathways in the process.

This change was FAST, but made with INTENTION.

And I already know it will be long lasting, I feel it in my bones.

Yes, there are always things that might require a little longer but my goodness once you start providing yourself, your brain and your nervous system what's possible the opportunities become endless.

More resilience, confidence, bravery, steadfastness, stability, boundaries, optimism even in the face of adversity.

It's all waiting.

I'm not saying you need to take a huge solo trip half way across the world, but what could you do today to prove that it's possible?

One of my favourite things to remind people is who you are today isn't who you have to be tomorrow.

So what do you wanna do? And who do you wanna be? Who do you need to be and what needs to happen to make it happen?

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Essential Listening

Today i'm doing something a little bit different and i'm going to keep it short and sweet because I'm sending you elsewhere.

It's occurred to me that there are approximately 300 episodes of The Positive Pants Podcast.

300!!!!

That's a LOT to listen to and I feel like sometimes it's hard to know where to start.

Particularly if you're new here and wanting to bag yourself some quick wins in understanding yourself and understanding how you tick as a human and how to create lasting change and find that sweet sweet self compassion that so many of us are chasing.

There are a few episodes that I believe are essential reading and they will all be linked up in the show notes.

When you fundamentally understand the themes in these episodes a whole world opens up in my opinion.

So the episodes I've picked to get you the quickest wins are as follows.

Number one, i've recommended a fair few times but I really believe it's fundamental to anyone's healing journey and that is my interview with Stefan Chmelik, inventor of the Sensate device.

This is a great episode where we dig into how the nervous system works. Why some people really struggle to meditate and how to start to heal your nervous system to become a calmer, less anxious more resilient version of yourself.

The second episode i've picked is How Are You Wiring Your Brain. It's so fundamental to figure out what's driving your thoughts and behaviour because so much of it is easily changed with a shift in what we're wiring in on a daily basis.

The third is What Is The Enneagram And How Can It Help. I'm always talking about how self awareness is the number one thing that you need when it comes to changing anything in your life. I dig into how The Enneagram profiling tool is a HUGE short cut to that. It really is a gamechanger.

The fourth is Why You Are Not Your Thoughts. Most people go through life just blindly believing every thought that pops into their heads. It's perfectly natural and how were wired on autopilot BUT when you can grasp how wrong this is, again, it can super charge your healing process.

And I think those 4 are more than enough to get you on your way to knowing with absolute certainty that you're capable of change, you're capable of anything!

And as always, thank you so much for being here!

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

The Art Of Letting Go

Following on from last week's episode about how to know when it's worth persevering or changing course, I thought it might be helpful to go through the art of actually letting go.

It's one thing knowing it's the right thing for you to do but it's a whole other ball game actually doing it.

And it can be tricky…and it can also take its sweet time!

It can feel really frustrating but your body needs to catch up with your mind.

Whether you've decided it's time to move on from something or been forced to for other reasons it's absolutely a process!

Cognitively you might be ready to move on but your nervous system might still be scanning for whether it's safe to or not! Which is where both the cognitive and somatic work comes in to help speed up the process.

Using your mind AND your body to heal.

It's not a process you can judge by anyone else's standards. It's unique to you.

But holding on to pain never helped anybody.

There's a phrase I love that's 'nobody ever drowned by falling into the ocean. They drowned by staying there.'

You have to let the inevitable grieving happen. However long that takes.

Even when it comes to something that other people might not think is a huge deal, it might be to us.

Even if someone thinks we should just 'get over it'. It's not up to them.

It takes as long as it takes to really let go.

From my own experience it's a really gradual process and then one day you realise there's no pain anymore.

The feelings are very neutral and calm.

Even if you might still be in the eye of the storm at times!

So what can we do to make sure we're remaining conscious and helping the process along as best we can?

Firstly, acknowledge that it's happened and the decision has been made. You may feel like you're flip flopping at times just before you're clear. This is when you lean on the people who know you best and who will be a willing sounding board for your thoughts and feelings.

It's totally natural.

Next it's very very helpful to consciously seek out the positive lessons that you've learned in the process.

Even if they may have been tough lessons. What's changed in terms of what you will or won't accept in the future. How will it mean things will be different next time you're in a similar situation?

Always make sure you check in with the stories you're telling yourself and if they're actually true. What are you making it mean about yourself? Whether you're leaving a relationship and will be single again, what are you making that mean?

Or if you've decided you don't want to run a business anymore or stay in your career.

What are you making that mean? What story is there around what other people will make it mean?

A hugely important part is to recognise what your non-negotiables are now, and how the previous situation wasn't meeting them or your needs. Always helpful to know that despite it potentially feeling painful, it's not what you wanted anymore and you get to dream and visualise what you do want now!

On that…it's really important to make sure you're not looking at the past with rose tinted glasses. There may have been some amazing positives but what wasn't right for you? How long were things hard, or you feeling unhappy

My favourite part is to start to get excited about your future and all the new opportunities ahead of you that simply wouldn't have been there without needing to let go of this situation first. Things you can do now that you couldn't before.

A HUGE one is to allow yourself to be supported. Don't try and do it all on your own. Allow yourself the space you need but don't shy away and isolate yourself.

Prioritise YOU. Your needs, your wants. This is YOU time and that won't last forever. Embrace it and take full advantage.

Recognise any guilt, shame or blame you're piling on top of the situation and challenge it as if you were a casual observer of the situation and not so personally invested in it.

Don't get attached to a timeline of being on 'the other side' of it. These things take time and that's ok.

Look for what you can be grateful for from the situation or by getting out of it.

Seek the stories from people who have been through similar and come out the other side, bigger, better and stronger for it. The people who are challenging the status quo and showing the positives of a situation that aren't often talked about.

Remember these feelings are only temporary. Don't judge yourself for having down days. Cry. Scream.

Take any responsibility that yours to take, and nothing more. Forgive yourself for whatever you need to forgive yourself for in the situation. You didn't know better or couldn't do better then, you do and you can now and moving forwards.

Practice emotional and nervous system regulation MORE now. This is the time to double down and help your nervous system catch up with your mind. EFT, hypnotherapy, Heartmath, making sure you're moving your body are all my first port of call.

Recognise what was within your control and what wasn't in the situation.

Do the healing work.

Keep yourself busy but not out of avoidance. Do it in a positive way. Fill your time with things you're looking forward to. Go see new places, spend time with people, do new things, learn a new skill.

And finally, remember you never know what amazing things can come from a situation that might feel awful at the time. Hold on to that and allow yourself to be excited. Good things are coming if you let them.

And as i've recorded this i'm practicing exactly what I preach and i've put myself way out of my comfort zone on a long haul solo trip. I've done something I never would have before. I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone solidly towards post traumatic growth. And I couldn't be happier and more content.

Even though I'm still in the eye of the storm in many ways. The focus is on the light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't be more excited.

Know that's available for you too.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

How To Know If The Perseverance Worth It

Is the perseverance worth it?

Is that feeling of trundling through, wading through treacle to get to what you think you want, or what you used to want…is that still the right thing for you?

Sometimes we find ourselves keeping on keeping on in situations that actually might not be right for us.

We may feel tired, anxious, low, beaten down, but we still keep going.

It's so easy to just keep going with something and try to just ignore any negative feelings you might be having.

And also, not taking a deep dive into what they might REALLY mean.

This is one of the many, many reasons why self awareness is so important and building that neural pathway where you question your thoughts, beliefs, behaviours and why you might be doing something.

It doesn't necessarily mean that it's wrong for you. But it might be a clear indicator that something needs addressing.

We do this in all areas of life, our careers, relationships, friendships, our businesses, where we're living etc.

We often just keep going instead of analysing if something is REALLY working for us

It can feel like flogging a dead horse sometimes, but often even that isn't enough to get you to really look at it.

You might be still following a path in your business that someone else told you was the right thing.

You might be in a relationship and you've noticed you're unhappy more than you're happy.

You might be in a career and your feelings and values have shifted and it doesn't align for you anymore.

This is the thing with being human and growth being a part of that It means we're constantly growing and evolving and we change.

Our outlook changes

Our perspective changes.

Our views on what we think is right and wrong shifts.

Our needs shift.

Our attitudes shift and what we find important.

It's totally normal to feel like things are 'off' sometimes when you take all of this into account.

Society praises longevity a lot of the time which keeps people moving in a direction that's not right for them anymore.

Longevity has absolutely nothing to do with happiness and it's a really important distinction to make.

The real flex is being able to say 'this isn't what I want anymore' and then doing something about it.

That's the brave part!

That's when you'll inspire other people.

Not sticking at something when you're not happy.

Being able to ask yourself, am I staying in this situation or on this path because I think I SHOULD? What or who is making me feel that way?

You know the saying, change only happens when the pain of staying where you are outweighs the pain of the change itself.

And it's so true. We often have to reach that point where it's almost unbearable to stay where we're at.

It's only then that we start going, hang on what the fudge is going on here?!

And then the question quickly turns to 'and what can I do about it?'

So how do we get there WITHOUT having to reach that point?

It all comes back to asking yourself great questions.

Which is a skill, and one you can quickly develop, this is where journaling is so helpful. Along with working with someone like a coach, therapist or counseller where they can help you fast track the process.

The better questions you learn to ask yourself the more you'll be able to identify if sticking with something and persevering is worth it for you in the long run.

You'll be able to identify if it's the right thing for you but it's just going to take some time vs not moving on due to sunk cost fallacy (scroll down for the episode I did specifically on that!)

So here's a few questions for you to journal and/or ponder on to get those cogs ticking.

Feel free to do this for each of the key areas of your life, Work, relationships, friendships etc.

Are you happy now where you're at?

Can you see yourself being happy in the future following the same path?

Does it still excite you?

What's right about the situation? What IS working for you and why?

What's wrong about the situation? What really isn't working for you and why? How would the alternative feel?

How do you feel about not being in the situation?

What are the potential positive possibilities if you take a different path?

What are the stories about what is negative about not continuing down this path? As in what are you making it mean about yourself? What are you making it mean for other people? What are you making it mean in the context of society?

What are the feelings you have when you think of staying on this path? Notice how it feels in your body and where you feel it. Can you name it?

What are the feelings you have when you think about NOT staying in this situation?

When I imagine myself 1 year, or 5 years into the future staying on this path, how am I feeling? Am I happy?

Then the big question…What can I do about it? What do I want to do about it? What WILL I do about it?

Then future pace that too. How do you feel?

Life is always leaving us clues but we need to ask ourselves better questions, dig a little deeper and discover the truth beyond our conditioning.

A whole world of magic lives there.

And I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it's always pretty on the way, it's not.

But the question is, is it worth it?

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

Why Reflection Is An Essential Part Of Growth

It may not sound like a big deal at all to skip the reflection piece of the puzzle when you're doing any form of personal growth.

You might think 'Oh I'll remember'.

But I promise you, skipping this step is a mistake.

It's incredibly important.

Of course the first part is to have a record of where you were at when you started. This is one of the reasons I love journaling so much. It doubles up as your very own personal timeline and also, when you reflect back it also serves as a visible interpretation of improvement and positive things.

It's so, SO easy to forget where we've come from.

Especially when you don't feel like you're exactly where you want to be just yet.

This honestly applies to any area of your life.

I've had a few instances lately where I've reflected on something and been genuinely amazed at where I'm at now.

I really hope it gives you a nudge to do the same and serves as evidence that if you put in the work, anything is possible.

One of the BIG things that has happened recently is I've booked to go do something which is WILDLY out of character.

It's absolutely not something that Fran of even 6 months ago would have felt able to do.

Or even considered being able to do.

Firstly, I'm going on a solo trip. If you're on my email list you'll know what I'm talking about. If you WANT to be on my email list head to www.franexcell.com and scroll down and nab any freebie that catches your eye.

We have the procrastination buster, Journaling 101, How to discover your Enneagram type and a few more. Links are also in the show notes but go have a peruse and you'll hear all about my adventures and get some inspiration into your inbox every wednesday.

Anyhoo…back to it. I've never travelled by plane anywhere by myself…ever.

Flying and airports have always given me anxiety, all my Enneagram sixes out there will get this.

I'd check I had my passport about a million times, i'd worry about missing the plane, or going to the wrong place, or being late, I wasn't great with take off, I'd get there at least 2 hours early and always worry I didn't have enough time, i'd worry about not knowing where to go and find transport the other side, waiting for my bag to come out on the carousel was torture because I'd always imagine it was lost.

You get the idea, it was painful. But always less so with someone else there.

For a highly independent person this has always been a bit of a conundrum ha!

So…I have organised a huge trip, long haul, lots of different elements to it, and i'm doing it solo.

I also couldn't be more excited.

It's things like this that when you reflect back really show you how much the time, energy and effort have hugely paid off.

I'm always saying to clients, there's a time in the future where you forget this was ever hard.

And it's so true.

It's so easy to forget how much you've overcome, how much you've grown, how far you've come.

But at the same time, do not give yourself enough credit because you're not the finished product yet.

Spoiler alert there is no finished product. ;-) Life is about constantly growing and evolving, which is another reason this reflection piece is so important.

The other thing that got me reflecting on my own growth is linked to this but absolutely game changingly huge.

I've had a really bad needle phobia since I was little.

It was really intense, I could descend from being a fully fledged adult to regressing into being a scared child in seconds.

If I ever had to have any medical procedures I had to have gas and air before they'd be able to get the cannula in. I'd literally be scared of my hand and cry when I woke up.

I'd put off anything that required blood tests. Which is not great.

I have never travelled anywhere that required vaccinations because I was too scared to get them, it wasn't worth it.

I was missing out on things I really wanted to do because of it.

Not great.

So then Covid hits and I know I have to figure it out.

I was desperate to not have the vaccination.

I went at the last possible minute and having to wait in the long queue building up all the anticipation was NOT pretty by the time I got to the front.

I couldn't avoid dealing with it any more.

I thought to myself, which was very reminiscent of my moment in 2014 when I started to do this work, I thought 'I can heal this' I know what to do, I can do it.

So I used EFT and self hypnosis to work through each element of this phobia that I'd had since I was 2 years old.

I held the intention it was going to work.

I used it to work on what I already knew.

I used it every time I thought about having to go again.

I used it every time I went.

I cleared it all out.

It wasn't instant.

It was an effort.

But in the last 2 weeks I've booked a trip somewhere I knew I'd need 4 vaccinations.

And I went and got them.

By myself.

No treats.

No hyperventilating.

No anxiety.

Done.

3 of them were in the same 5 minutes.

So this is my long and convoluted way of saying.

The work is worth it.

Stick with it.

Whether it's clearing a block to help you do amazing things in your life or business.

Or it's clearing a life long phobia that's stopping you from living the life you deserve to live.

Or it's working on being able to leave a situation that's making you unhappy.

Or healing from trauma.

It's SO worth it to LIVE.

But reflection and self awareness is absolutely essential to being able to recognise how far you've come.

So often when doing this work the changes are subtle and build over time. O call it 'slow and low'.

It's not the big grand 'I am healed' that you see marketing to you that just leaves you feeling inadequate when it doesn't happen for you.

It's the slow and low stuff that unless you stop to notice, you might miss.

The way you reacted differently to something.

The thing that would normally trigger you didn't.

You feel calmer in situations where you used to feel anxious.

But you only see these when you look with intention!

So please, if you have a few minutes today, grab your journal and start thinking through things like this where you've not allowed yourself to notice the epic job you've already done.

It takes time. But if you keep going you WILL get there!

And in a few weeks time I'll be able to give you more lessons and reflections that come from my wildly out of character trip.

In a few months I'll be able to share more about my lessons and growth from everything else that's been going on in my life.

Because that's the beauty, the lessons that you find in the discomfort of growth.

It's glorious, don't deny yourself those moments.

Fx

Show note links:

• Download The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

Freebies:

• Grab your FREE 'Stressed To Success' meditation: https://franexcell.com/stressed-to-success

• Download your guide for How to journal, for the non 'dear-diary' type! https://franexcell.com/journaling-101

• Grab your free Procrastination Buster workbook https://franexcell.com/procrastination-buster

• Find out YOUR Enneagram type:https://franexcell.com/introduction-to-the-enneagram

Ways to work with me:

• Join The Positive Pants Toolkit App for just £9.99 per month https://franexcell.com/positive-pants-toolkit-app

• Enneagram Essentials 90 minute 1:1 & Guide book https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/2b6wubgnysrp

• For corporate coaching, training and workshops email [email protected]

Products:

• Grab Your 365 day Gratitude Journal on Amazon:https://bit.ly/365daygratitude

• Grab Your Positive Pants Firmly On Notebook:https://bit.ly/positivepantsonbook

Contact:

• Make sure you're following me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imfranexcell/ and tag me into your key takeaways!

• Email me at hello@franexcell.com with any questions or take aways!

• For more, head over to: www.franexcell.com/

How To Forgive Yourself

How to forgive yourself.

I'm going to put a little trigger warning on this episode in case you're going through something on the heavy side at the moment and feeling a little more on the delicate side.

Please look after yourself and only listen when you're ready.

This is close to home for myself and people I love at the moment and it's something i've learned is important over the years of letting myself suffer needlessly and also through my study in this field over the last 8 years that is is in fact something you have more control over than you're giving yourself credit for.

There are a LOT of inevitable times in our lives when we didn't behave in a way that shone us in our best light.

There are inevitable times where we've been in situations where we've let things happen or enabled behaviour that we wish we wouldn't have.

We can spend a lot of time blaming ourselves for situations that we find ourselves in.

This could be in relationships, in your business or work, in friendships, family, the way we treat ourselves, the way we treat others, the way we allow ourselves to be treated.

The things we might need to forgive ourselves for can be a bit of an endless list.

But there is so much power and liberation in forgiving yourself.

You need to acknowledge that there will be countless versions of you in this lifetime.

Each change and identity shift or upgrade comes through growth and lessons, usually via a scary or painful catalyst.

Holding onto a grudge towards yourself just adds more pain, with no outcome.

Punishing yourself or berating yourself is a surefire way to you not living the life you're capable of and deserve.

I've forgiven myself for MANY things in my relatively short lifetime so far, and even knowing what I know now about myself, human behaviour and the way we tick as humans, will have to forgive myself for in the future.

We're humans. We make mistakes. We make mistakes repeatedly!

We accept behaviour that we shouldn't.

We stay in situations we shouldn't.

We say things in the heat of the moment.

It's human.

But how do we start to forgive ourselves for our human moments and mistakes?

We start by taking any responsibility that's ours to take.

By that I mean ONLY what's ours to take and recognising what isn't ours and wasn't within our control.

Apologise for what's yours to apologise for.

Yes it can be confronting. But it's also freeing.

Self reflection is a huge part of self forgiveness.

Look at the situation and your own behaviour with curiosity over judgement.

Recognise where it really wasn't your fault!

Where and how does the behaviour make sense? (You might find it incredibly helpful to work with a therapist or counsellor for this part to help you unpick it because it will be there!)

Focus on moving forwards. Being grateful for the lessons and acknowledging that you aren't the same person with the same wiring after this experience.

You are not destined to make the same mistakes again if you work on being conscious and self aware and seek to understand yourself.

A huge part of forgiving yourself is allowing yourself to understand your behaviour, emotions and what drives them.

It becomes a lot harder to hold onto resentment, guilt and shame towards yourself when you really see what was going on underneath it and where it makes sense.

How was that behaviour trying to protect you?

Or repeat a familiar pattern?

What was that behaviour trying to help you avoid?

Whether it was good for you or not you're wired for your own safety!

Are you blaming yourself for something that absolutely wasn't your fault?

It's SO incredibly easy to do this, particularly when it comes to many forms of abuse. You are not responsible for having to predict other people's behaviour.

I've forgiven myself for all sorts of things, some of which include my eating disorder from 16-18, my hideous anxiety I had through my teens and twenties, getting into abusive relationships, staying in toxic relationships, allowing myself to be used, allowing myself to be bullied, the way i've treated and abused my body, things i've said and done to other people, destructive behaviours, where i've given up on things. So many things.

It's an incredibly powerful thing to learn to do.

Forgive yourself for what you did when you were in survival mode.

Forgive yourself for the times you didn't know better.

Don't bottle it up inside and let it eat away at you. Your body will store it and it will show up in all sorts of other ways! Anxiety, illness, aches and pains. Speak to someone non judgemental who can help you process anything that needs processing so you can truly move on.

What really matters is not what's already done but what you choose to do next.

Treat yourself with the same compassion you'd treat a friend in a similar situation.

How will you make sure you won't repeat the same pattern in the future?

Self reflection is super important in making sure you really process your emotions and have as much information as possible that will help you not repeat the same behaviour if you know you don't want to.

Being able to really take a step back and grab the lessons with both hands.

You only know what you know…until you know different! That's when everything can change.

It doesn't mean you'll never make a mistake, treat someone badly or allow them to treat you badly.

It does mean you'll be able to recognise it more quickly and with more compassion.

Learning to forgive yourself can have profound effects on all areas of your life. Your emotional, mental and physical health.

Ask yourself what benefits there are to holding on and not forgiving yourself.

What story are you telling yourself about what happens if you do forgive yourself?

Are you telling yourself the same situation will happen again? Where might you unconsciously be holding on intentionally and why?

Also ask yourself if you would hold someone else to the same standard you're holding yourself to in this situation.

We often hold ourselves to a higher standard than we would anyone else and it's important to catch that and recognise it.

And as always, with anything we do round here, practice emotional regulation and make sure your nervous system is in a good place. The Positive Pants toolkit is ready and waiting for you at just £9.99 per month with tonnes of tools and techniques to help you do just that. The link is in my bio but it's also in the app store.

Forgiving yourself might feel a million miles away from where you're at right now but you will get there! I did!

You deserve the peace and freedom that comes with forgiving yourself!

Fx