The Potential State Podcast

Many of us learn at a young age (especially boys) that vulnerability=weakness.
We therefore try to hide it and don't show it to our partners.
This results in shallow, self-presentational relationships with little vitality, excitement, play or curiosity.
Moreover, when you're not vulnerable, then you're less interesting to your partner and over time you become more numb to your own inner workings.

The solution? practice the ability of vulnerability. The more you'll show, the more free you'll feel.

But how can I be more vulnerable (especially if I'm not used to it)?

In this talk, we unpack the issue of vulnerability in intimate relationships, using examples from our marriage and the clinic.
Practical tips will help you dare to be more vulnerable in a safe and gradual way.

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Fighting is inevitable in every intimate relationship.
Most of us don't like, don't know how, or don't even know when we are fighting.
Yet arguments and conflicts are a crucial element in building an intimate, differentiated relationship.
Too bad there isn't a blueprint for a "positive" fight and make up...

Well, actually, there is!

In this talk, we share a recommended three-stage model for the positive fight and make up, which will help turn your disputes into relational diamonds.
Inspired by the wonderful book After the Fight by Dan Wile, we use our last vicious fight and make up to show how this process is manifested.
Practical tips will help you leverage your next fight to deeper intimacy.
 
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Many of us find ourselves in charge or a certain dimension of our relationship alone, be it cleaning, financial planning, parenting, and more.
This sole responsibility is often a source of tension and frustration in the dyad.
This universal pattern is called the seesaw principle (as coined my Michelle Weiner Davis), where the more one person does, the less the other partner does.

In this talk we unpack the seesaw principle in intimate relationships through examples from our marriage and the clinic and offer practical advice to help you both find a more collaborative, interdependent partnership.

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox.

Check out more of our content:
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Bitterness.
Usually it is a passing feeling, but sometimes we encounter a partner who is constantly bitter, and their partner who is trying to cheer them up (or avoid them).
It is so common that it has become almost a stereotype.
Women express bitterness through criticism, pessimism, grogginess, and overall negativity. Men express this feeling through cynicism, apathy, aggression, or passive aggressive behavior.

In this talk, we unpack bitterness and explain why it is so common in intimate relationships, especially in women, through examples from the clinic and our marriage.

Practical tips will help you become less bitter and more playful.

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox.

Check out more of our content:
Blog on Psychology Today
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Do you have a sense your partner is sticking it to you but they keep denying it?
Do you or your partner deny certain bad behaviors to each other?

We all sometimes semi-consciously act in small negative ways to our partners -  David Schnarch calls this phenomenon "Normal Marital Sadism".  After all, the opposite of love is apathy (not hatred). So we all do it.

But when one partner continuously denies aggressive, belittling, or mean relational behavior, in a way that makes their partner doubt themselves and their perception -  that is called Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is real and happens in all relationships in one form or another.

In this talk, we unpack the phenomenon of Gaslighting and it's tax on relationships, through examples from the clinic and our marriage. Practical tips will help you stop (or at least minimize) Gaslighting in your relationship today.


Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
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Are you (or your partner) super driven to be efficient?
Is it hard for you to lower your productivity and just be?
If so, you're not alone.

Efficiency is actually a wonderful trait but can also function as a defense mechanism. That is why we call it E-FISH-NET, a big (electronic) net that catches all of you and takes you hostage.

What is the solution?
To be more present, to do less things in more time, to be DIS(C)organized.
But how?

In this talk, we unpack the need to be efficient and its relational tolls through examples from our life and the clinic.
Practical tips will help you soften the need to be E-FISH-NET, and enjoy the moment more.

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

The 'lost' years of a couple's life occur after about 7-10 years: kids, mortgage, school, aging parents, careers, bills, chores, marriage is stable, annoying in-laws, holidays, boredom, fatigue, routine...

For most couples these years tend to feel 'comfortably numb' and are sometimes disrupted with a rude awakening in the form of an affair, medical or family drama. These naturally latent years sometimes lead couples to think that they lost their spark and occasionally choose to divorce due to unfamiliarity with the unavoidable dynamics of this stage in life.

Yet these somewhat lethargic years need not be lost!

In this talk with Dr. Micha Belzer, a couple and family therapist, we discuss the uncomfortable truths about this life cycle stage and what steps can be taken in order to keep the couple hungry, playful, foolish, growing and engaged.
Examples are given from my work with couples in that cohort.
Practical tips are shared to help prevent these years from becoming dormant.

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

"I know all there is to know about the crying game..." Boy George

Crying is a natural and organic way to express and release emotions.

Yet crying in relationship is not always easy: Some of us cry very often (over-crying) and some of us find it hard to cry at all (blocked cryers).
Both of these extremes have advantages and disadvantages, and both don't facilitate a healthy expression of feeling in relationships.

In this talk, we unpack why and how partners avoid or over-emphasize crying in their intimate relationship through examples from our marriage and the clinic.
Practical tips will help you learn the art of relational crying today.

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

"If I can't see your selfishness, I can't believe your generosity." Betty Martin

Many of us  have a problem expressing our desires and wants in our intimate relationships.
Why?
For men, this can stem from psychological patriarchy that deems wanting, vulnerability or need as something negative.
For others, not wanting protects us from rejection or ridicule.

But if we don't express our wants, then we become bitter, and lonely. Over time, our partner will begin to assume we don't want anything, and that we're always content- which makes us less interesting. The result? Our needs are not seen or met.

The solution?
Daring to voice our desires!

In this talk we share the different reasons why partners avoid sharing, and the costs of such elusion, through examples from our life and the clinic.
Practical tips will help you bravely articulate your desires  in your relationship.

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every month to your inbox.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael

Are you a drama queen (or king)?
Are you in a relationship with a drama queen?
(Truth is that men are the real drama queens.)
If so, you probably know how draining and annoying it is interacting with such 'royalty'.

But the systemic truth is: You are encouraging them.
Yes, there is no drama queen/king without an audience.
Underneath such drama, there is usually a cry for attention or a 'love tank' that is empty.
Are you looking beyond the queenship drama to see what is the deeper bid?

In this talk, we explore this dynamic through examples in our marriage and the clinic. Practical tips will help you soften such dynamic and help both of you feel more seen and valued.

For registration and more details on our upcoming webinar exploring the relational power dynamic in relationships - click here!

Click here to join our mailing list and get free resources on enriching relationships every week to your inbox.

Click here for more information on our upcoming online couples workshop.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-other-side-relationships
http://podcast.potentialstate.com/
https://www.youtube.com/c/ThePotentialState
https://www.facebook.com/ThePotentialState
https://twitter.com/assael