Edited for sake of time, topically barren, high-level nearly constant fuzzy real radio on air noise included at no extra charge, originally broadcast March 7th, 2008.

The Show effortlessly blows minds and opens with Hal's Half-Life Character then Puzzling, Hal, Philo  - Michael Peppe doesn't love us anymore; Much Ado About Keanu; Kull NOT Krull; Various Hilarious Generic Inter-Host Banter; Dr. Hal's PC Computer Blues; Dr. Hal and THE ONE true love; Gourd Head It's ALL right; The Show Is Like An Unrestrained Concept Thing; The Brain is No Longer In Control; Hello, Caller; Rectum? Damn Near Killed Them; The Show is Wrecked up; A Pissed-Off Epileptic Farmer Screaming Blasphemous Unnameable Oaths at a Red Mutated One-Legged Pregnant Goat Watching an Oversized Diamond Encrusted Solid Gold Bucket Full Of Chainsaws, Marbles and False Teeth Falling Over A 1,247 foot tall cliff during a 100 Year Thunderstorm Inside a Gigantic Platinum Cement Mixer Running On Double-Speed and Loaded With Plate Glass and Philips Screwdrivers While a Microscopic Monoaural Record Player Outfitted with a 10 Gauge Sewing Needle with Big Red Straps Amplified To 190db Repeatedly skips on the Same Three Notes On The Three Stooges Children's Record "We're Coming To Your House; Looking Around The World At Who Is Listening; I Sat On The Pie I Was Supposed To Eat; 33,000 Children Listeners plus 2 and 20 Unknown Countries; I was unintentionally misled to Lead You; Callers Call In with Their Telephone Numbers; Giant Screwdrivers; Caller Calls Us Back To Make Fun Of Us;  CopyBob's Big Bites; Abe Lincoln: Republican; Vimana Spaceships; I Thought About Becoming A Super-Delegate Comic Book Talk from Philo and Hal;  Philo sings; AYP calls; Celebrity Hair Contest; Jews and Nazis and Tarzan; Suicide Man Calls; More Cheetah Long-Lived Speculation and Artwork; Cheetah Bought Apple when it was $10 a share; Brigette Bardot Brings The Hammer Down on Cheetah's Booze and Cigars; How Cheetah Paints and What He Thinks About; Wild X-tacy Babes; The NEW "Bob's" Lunch Hour - still at noon, Various Yakkin'; Puzzling gets an iPod; Hal babbles unceasingly; Philo reads movie synopses; Suicide Man talks Russian movies; The Boys anticipate the end of the Show; Eddie brings food for Philo who doesn't want to share but does anyway and it turns out to be Angel Food. 

Puzzling, Dr. Hal, Dr. Drummond, and Cardhouse Robot look at stuff and describe objects for the listeners; Copybob checks in; goes to beat the Pope of Las Vegas; What stays in Vegas goes to Vegas; Michael Peppe ruined everything now we're screwed; First get a bucket of pills and a couple of chainsaws; put everything in a big blobby pile to touch with a pole; who do you want me to be; Why Philo Hid His Face in Arise; God's Greatest Mystery; Copybob algorithm on Heggenbrenner Road; Dr Hal at 12 Galaxies every Monday night form 9-11; Satan's Co-pilot's assistant's helper; Don't Stop for Gas in Hell; 1,000 Foot Snake; 3:00am is the Exact Wrong Time of the Morning; Church Titles Order of Succession; The Show is Like a Little Diaper Filled Baby; CopyBob said "FUCKING" on the air forcing the Boys to apologize; Going to the Train Thang; Various Hilarious Generic Inter-Host and Caller Banter regarding the Amino Acids at the Ace Wrecking Yard; Hal's Hunting and Coffee Experiment; Gut-Fest; Caller says We're The Best Show EVER!!!! BassMaster or BassMaster? "They're Gonna Laugh At You" - Carrie's Mom; What if JFK and His Posse Shot Back and Laid Waste to the Entire top of The School Book Depository; JFK in Revenge In Dallas!; (GREAT FREE BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE IDEA);  Bert and Ernie Go BRUTAL!! Gun and Train Robbery Show at the Cow Palace; Caps Lock Errors; Buck Tooth Errors; Puzzling Wishes the Show Would Stop because it hurts; We May Not Be Here Next Week, I Wanna Know...

Puzzling, Dr. Hal, Dr. Drummond, Rev. Stang, Cardhouse Robot struggle to rise above the cacophony of same voices talking over each other, Rev Stang recounts X-Day attempt on his life, Dr. Drummond reveals remedial behavior strategies, X-Day is just around the world from us, Philo admonishes crew on proper radio show etiquette,  Stang and Drummond say thanks "Bob" for his gifts of slack, Google Cloudmaker with Cardbot Roadhouse; Philo laughingly transforms during End O' The World Porno; Future fear and sniggering jerks; Rev. Stang recounts his dream of Dom DeLuise Has The Code In His Genes to Broadcast to the World and Save it From Unknown Virus;  Who is your Daddy and what does he do? Perfect SubGenius Content Contest; How to Run A Video on the Radio; Puzzling Maggie-Bon; Rev. Stang delivers A Proper SubGenius Salute; Show ID comments; What Should The Show's Theme Be?; Listener Akbar in Algeria; Rev. Stang's Program notes Unitarians are Nice; Drilling into the listerners routers around the world; Getting Pirate Cat Radio Ready for You; Brother Hal and Captain Stang with Commisar Evidence and Overjanitor Philo; I Don't Care Band; The Unknown Escape From Cleveland; They're Gonna Laugh At You; X-Day is coming ARE YOU READY!!; There's a lot of naked chicks in Hell, Dante's Inferno with Jimmy Swaggart; The Pain between your ears is called your Brain; following too closely; Making copies; Tiny Pow-Wow at Philo's; Famous SubGenius Family Horror rectified; It's all over the floor; Concerned Callers; Talk More of Less about "Bob": You Decide!; 2 "Bob" One Cup; Jenkum "Bob"; Centralia PA is Still On Fire; Remembering Michael Peppe (He's OK); Dr. Hal at 12 Galaxies; The If It's Yellow Variations; Some Old Gals; Philo Present the Punch-Out-All-Night at the Knock-A-Head-Atorium; Ticket Bastard; Dreaming of Dream Fluff; Johnny Skid Mark's Underwear; Approaching the close with Movie News Vamping; various babbling and trivia; Any Giant Monster Is Good; Our Primordial Guilt Zipper-Down-The-Back Monster; Boys! Pick Up Your Weapons On The Way Out; 

Puzzling, Dr. Hal, Cardhouse Robot and Dr. Drummond, This is THAT episode. Dr Hal hawks his junk with 33 vertebrae, Philo Dances With Scissors Real Fast On Drugs, They're pushing the web again, Mom; A Broad Show; The Show Won't Give The Callers A Chance; Parts of the show are nice; Gutless callers; Pushing the web with hairy toes could be making it busy; Philo describes Everyday Life on the Pleasure Saucers; How Cult Leaders Pick Up Chicks; CopyBob wants to know if Philo Got The Letter; PHILO FINDS THE LETTER!!; Slack Jaw Gumballs Push the Wed; Station ID; Ask Dr. Hal at 12 Galaxies; Puzzling Evidence Show Intro!, Take it away, One-Eye!; Commercial Break; Pushing the Web some more Pushers try to hook the callers on cheaper Shows; Fungus Shrouded Valley of Fresno; Face Based Religion; Random Gift Shipping; Puzzling leaves his post; Drives aimlessly while Show on autopilot; TaxiBob rides along with the Show; Meat Guns; Fried Goat Sphincter Rings called Funyuns; Interstitial Tines; The Vortex Took 'em Away; The Show id Going to Push the web some more tonight; The Show translated in Japanese Service; Say Hello for Personal Service; Politicians and Lawyers banned form SubGenius Heaven; This is a Non-Reality Show; Callers Need More Web, Fast!; Coming Down Off The Web is a Hard Ride; Amino Acids at the Hemlock;  SubGenius.com Art Mines Coffee Table Book;  idea; Alternate JFK Timeline using Bazookas or Flowers - YOU DECIDE!; My Pedal Extremities are Initiating Combustion; Philo was "Bob's" man on the Inside; See "Bob's" Lunch Hour for Images of Philo spanning 30 years; Hunger Laughter; It's Your Religion: They Have to Approve of it; The Law of Predictable Sustainability; Dog Petting Techniques; X-Day approaches; COINCIDENTAL Ukrainian NEWS - BULL TERRIER REVEALED TO BE PAKISTANI RAT; Ulaan Bator's Master; Puupy Coat; Do You Even Internet?; Digger and Poopoo and Popo; Show Shutdown Procedures Begins; Teenagers Cold Cock Disney Characters For Fun; The Only Good Cops Are at Burning Man; Eddie Brings Nutbread for Shift Change; The Government is Recorded Laughing at you (and us); County Employees blame lack of completed work on other employees; Less work / more people = conty government; Water board the crap out of our enemies; HEY LET's GO!

In this exciting episode, Puzz, Philo and Cardhouse Robot discuss Church secrets heretofore unknown to the general public and how they interface with the Show's mission and purpose. Shaved Ape Society News. The Show will never forget old What's-His-Name, All Your Slack Are Belong To Us, Show safety rules, Don't Drunkenly Endanger Your Proud Show Hand by Running With The Show in Your Bleeding Head Holding Hand, How Did You Get To Be Famous, Zombies Ate My Brain but left the Rest, 63% of all movies are Zombie Movies, You're Going To Die, Caller Stokes Zombie (and Other) Death Fear, spawning Tsunambies,  Meet Me at The End of The World's Fair, They're Totally Going To Laugh At You, Sissy; Government Sums Up the End O' Da Woild, I'll Be Wearing My "Bob" Goods, People Gotta Learn, Concept Extension Strategies, Where is Hal?, Pants Spitting, Smudgey Sploogy PaRk Bench Effluvia, J-Pop Goddesses, Raining in The Studio, Those Lost in Sin; Too Much TALKING, I Hope I aM tHE hIGHLANDER, Every Business and Church is Like A Deck of Cards, "Bob" Is Like The Joker of Our Face-Based Religion; Easy to Get Laid In The Church!, Dancin' With A Hard On reprise, Loopstation Steel Cage Match, Always A Bigger Leviathan In The Sea; dental School Dentists Using Sharp Edges; Tony is reporting Gilroy Weather; Indefinite Quantities Discussion while Dodging Trucks - Gilroy Road Caller; Building Zombies for Tomorrow with Today's People; Saying Things On THE Radio; Wearing Our Nikes on YouTube; The Boys fall off the edge.

Luchadore requirements, Fishing Rod accidents, grawdoo scraping methods, sad mop of a man, PuzzlingEvidenceTV is still there but Philo rage quit YouTube already, Men wearing drug britches, music pressure pushes the dancers down in the mix through the dribble tube, Cornfield Caller with Mental Floss Caller, Caller Tony escapee on the loose chasing UFOs, Used Overalls Finally available For All Concord Farmers, Philo's Radio Little Caller Girlfriend Contest Winner Calling from Overseas,  Oozing out of Area 51's Underground Inter-dimensional Crack, Milkweed Cheese for Vegans, Pork The One You're With, Little Caller Infatuation, Gilroy Dreaming, Hal's still not here, Don't Hurt Yourself or Others, I'm In My Own Dealy Plaza, JFK's Groundhog Day, Worship Caller Needs US Look For The Monster, Its' About The Dots On The Face, YouTube's cRaZy rules,  Economics Projection Issues and Human Ingenuity, "Puzzling Evidence is the standard by which all SubGenius Radio Shows are measured", music from the nether regions of space at 4:20, Arkansas Clock Anomalies, Hal Tired of all The slap-handed back-patting, Cardhouse MIB encounters, Little Caller Haifa Tales, The interesting part has not yet arrived, Have your Own Show now, Little Caller Likes Jail (In Israel) says, "it's kind of like a resort", I probably did something wrong, YouTube hates your original tune, Computer Trouble, Liquid Chicken Soy Substitutes, Cheese Like Heroin Dreams, The Show is For Forming Thoughts like Injecting Cheese, Streaming Smells, YouTube defecates users with Lawyerese, Philo Business Gobbledy-gook, Dread Pirate Philo as World Overlord, Politician = Evil. Pan-phobia is real, Callers have a side conversation until close.

Where Hell puts its trash, Hellbound TrainShow Tonight the boys will dump the script and wing it. Puzzling finally punches the Philo and Hal units in and the Show gets all professional and under delivers its first PSA. Climbing into their garments, the Boys attack the Show with renewed vigor and bring it to all the mother-fathers because that's how they roll. Kids getting away with murder and low order fun-raising while Hal continues to underoverestimate Puzzling. After retrieving its garment, the Show whipped up a souffle and got a woody. Suddenly, without their garments Drs. Howwll and Drummond danced a mad conjuring jig but eventually noticed their nudity and became ashamed in the face of the Show. In their old country, they were respected as Doktors.  

The Show is like a short night without sleep. Digital drip frigid pyrofridgeration keeps fire ice cold as we learn Dr. Hal's 3 least favorite days of the week. One moment, he is discussing cheeses with his wealthy Uncle, Philo; the next, watching with horror as craven reprehensible Bobbies sickeningly grundle each other. He knows these Bobbies came from Mountain Home but he can't prove it - at least not without some poisonous phonebooks. 

The Puzzling Evidence Show is your only hope for relief from life's soul killing drudgery and the relentlessly depraved Conspiracy buggery of your mind's hind-crack.

Philo Trollsondrum is just an ordinary  734-year-old boy living in Upper Buttblastston, until he sees a  horrifying troll, called Hal Robbuttson, climb in through his bedroom  window.

Hal, who is built like a potato filled with rocks and smells like  grated butt smothered with sauce made from ass, sings a song about  making little boys into sausages.

Philo tricks the troll into falling out of his window by telling him  that there are child-brain cheesesteaks outside. He realises that the  troll has to be stopped before he eats any more children and sets to  work trying to invent a trap.

Meanwhile, in a cave just outside Upper Buttblastston, Puzzleton  Evidency starts to suspect that eating children is wrong, and grows  tired of hunting with his fellow trolls. He decides to live as a  vegetarian.

After a brief misunderstanding involving a forgotten appendage and  lashings of ketchup, Philo and Puzzleton team up to stop the trolls,  using a catapult that fires rutabaga. They lure the trolls by creating a  big mound of boogers.

Rewarding Audio Receptors

The Magic Kettle

A Short Story

by Skidmark Twain

Philosonson Drummertonville was thinking about Halvin Robberstonton again. Halvin was a snotty coward monster with short buttock and fat frophook.

Philosonson walked over to the window and reflected on his wild surroundings. He had always hated creepy Simpledimpletonville City with its large, lovely lofty peaks. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel ambivalent.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the a snotty figure of Halvin Robberstonton.

Philosonson gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a dumpy, optimistic, liquor beer drinker with skinny buttock and tall frophook. His friends saw him as a grieving, greasy Giant Saint. Once, he had even jumped into a river and saved a xenophobic fluffy kitten.

But not even a dumpy person who had once jumped into a river and saved a xenophobic fluffy kitten, was prepared for what Halvin had in store today.

The sleet rained like running toads, making Philosonson unstable. Philosonson grabbed a magic kettle that had been strewn nearby; he massaged it with his fingers.

As Philosonson stepped outside and Halvin came closer, he could see the fast smile on his face.

Halvin gazed with the affection of 2374 cold-blooded poised pigeons. He said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want revenge."

Philosonson looked back, even more unstable and still fingering the magic kettle. "Halvin, I am your father's father," he replied.

They looked at each other with puzzled feelings, like two fluttering, fantastic flies lumping at a very sinister Feast of St. Swithen's Day Eve, which had jazz music playing in the background and two popular uncles dumping to the beat.

Philosonson regarded Halvin's short buttock and fat frophook. "I feel the same way!" revealed Philosonson with a delighted grin.

Halvin looked sneezy, his emotions blushing like a grubby, gentle guillotine.

Then Halvin came inside for a nice drink of liquor beer.

THE END

Praise for The Magic Kettle

"I feel like I know Philosonson Drummertonville. In a way, it feels as though I've always known him."

- The Daily Tale

"About as enjoyable as being hailed on whilst taking in washing that has been targeted by seagulls with the squirts."

- Enid Kibbler

"Saying the sleet rained like running toads is just the kind of literary device that makes this brilliant."

- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."

- Zob Gloop

People Not Driving Across

 The Curse of the Cursed Sandwich

A Horror Story

by Green Head 2 Trucks

Whilst investigating the death of a local housekeeper, a splendid housekeeper called Philo Drummond uncovers a legend about a supernaturally-cursed, cursed sandwich circulating throughout Fortress of Solitude. As soon as anyone uses the sandwich, he or she has exactly 399 days left to live.

The doomed few appear to be ordinary people during day to day life, but when photographed, they look zombified. A marked person, Cardhouse Robot,  feels like a sexy ample aardvark to touch.

Philo gets hold of the sandwich, refusing to believe the superstition. A collage of images flash into his mind: a simple kitten balancing on a cold housekeeper, a bucket full of cooked puke, an old newspaper headline about a bear baiting accident, a hooded owl ranting about 3rd Leg and a drinking well located in a sleepy place.

When Philo notices his unknown appendage have aardvark-like properties, he realizes that the curse of the cursed sandwich is true and calls in his grandfather, a detective called Puzzling Evidence, to help.

Puzzling examines the sandwich which is inside of a truck which is also inside of a truck, and willingly submits himself to the curse. He finds that the same visions flash before his eyes. He finds the simple kitten balancing on a cold housekeeper nose particularly chilling. He joins the infinitely long queue for a supernatural death.

Philo and Puzzling pursue a quest to uncover the meaning of the visions, starting with a search for the hooded owl. Will they be able to stop the curse before their time is up?

Praise for The Curse of the Cursed Sandwich

"This is actually pretty scary. I'll never be able to look at another cursed sandwich for as long as I live."

- The Daily Tale

"Oh please! There's nothing scary about a simple kitten balancing on a cold housekeeper. Are we supposed to feel spooked?"

- Enid Kibbler

"The hooded owl really freaked me out."

- Hit the Spoof

"I hope Philo and Puzzling get married."

- Zob Gloop