The Puzzling Evidence Show - Remixed!

Speaker 2: [00:18:47] Oh, they're all volunteers. It depends on what your definition of volunteer was back then to also just pretty much in general, when you get young guys to volunteer, it's always about like like I felt in. [00:18:58][10.8]

Speaker 1: [00:18:58] My Navy where. [00:18:59][0.8]

Speaker 2: [00:18:59] Yes, chief. You're right, I volunteered, but nobody told me what it was about. Yeah, I volunteered and but nobody told me I was going to actually have to kill people, die. Or I could get into a box that I could barely breathe amongst with a bunch of other sweaty guys. And we were going to turn a little crank and go underwater and pour holes in the bottoms of other ships. That'll dynamite charges. [00:19:23][23.9]

Speaker 1: [00:19:24] The damn Yankees. Yes. That's the way, Alaskan successional. [00:19:31][7.0]

Speaker 2: [00:19:32] And part of what. [00:19:33][0.9]

Speaker 1: [00:19:34] This neo confederate, succession is great. [00:19:38][3.4]

Speaker 2: [00:19:38] Technology. And yet. No, we had to use. [00:19:40][2.2]

Speaker 1: [00:19:40] The old stuff. What was it? What caused us to. It was elbow grease and 100% grit. [00:19:48][7.7]

Speaker 2: [00:19:49] Well, when we put the grease on our bodies, we found we made us more. [00:19:54][4.2]

Speaker 1: [00:19:54] Buoyant than before. Well, yeah, that's been an issue. [00:19:58][4.6]

Speaker 2: [00:19:59] I think we're all floating now. [00:20:00][1.0]

Speaker 1: [00:20:01] And when they dragged it up and dragged it through the streets with an honor guard, that everybody who was inside, I guess was still inside, packed in the mud at that point. [00:20:10][9.6]

Speaker 2: [00:20:11] Is that right? Yeah. [00:20:12][0.9]

Speaker 1: [00:20:12] Back on the shoulder. [00:20:13][0.6]

Speaker 2: [00:20:14] Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And the the lady that was running behind, because her husband was in there said, please let him out. Well, everybody was actually staring at her because she used his bones and little. [00:20:26][12.4]

Speaker 1: [00:20:26] Rag to go. [00:20:27][0.5]

Speaker 2: [00:20:28] She's running good. [00:20:28][0.5]

Speaker 1: [00:20:29] Thank you for falling away. [00:20:31][1.6]

Speaker 2: [00:20:31] It was her grant. That was the, National Lampoon had a great thing where Teddy Kennedy was accepting the presidency nomination. Or down just the center of the. Yeah, it was the. [00:20:40][8.7]

Speaker 1: [00:20:40] Rod and Mary Jo coverage. They were throwing, like, a, like an easy comic, you know. [00:20:45][4.5]

Speaker 2: [00:20:45] Like, John Wilson drawing. Wonderful. I had that thing frame for a while. [00:20:49][4.6]

Speaker 1: [00:20:50] Oh, that sounds hilarious. Oh, do you have this? Which one is that? That go. [00:20:55][5.2]

Speaker 2: [00:20:56] Oh, I just met that. He gave me this. So did. I can't think of his name after. It's a friend of Pete Gold. Is that tugboat guy. Did you tell him that you knew some guys who also. Yeah. Yeah. [00:21:08][12.4]

Speaker 1: [00:21:08] What he say he threw up. He threw up. [00:21:12][4.0]

[132.1]

Speaker 4 [00:48:40] Now

Speaker 5 [00:48:45] From

Speaker 4 [00:48:46] Not

Speaker 5 [00:48:52] They

Speaker 4 [00:49:00] But

Speaker 5 [00:49:03] The

Speaker 4 [00:49:05] Breathe

Speaker 5 [00:49:06] Wears

Speaker 4 [00:49:08] Above

Speaker 5 [00:49:09] Under

Speaker 4 [00:49:11] They

Speaker 5 [00:49:14] Foxes

Speaker 4 [00:49:18] Really,

Speaker 5 [00:49:19] Has

Speaker 4 [00:49:21] They

Speaker 5 [00:49:25] Night

Speaker 4 [00:50:32] I'm

Speaker 5 [00:50:33] Truly

Speaker 4 [00:50:35] That

Speaker 5 [00:50:36] Prehistoric

Speaker 4 [00:50:41] While

Speaker 5 [00:50:53] Underwear

Speaker 4 [00:50:58] Be.

Speaker 5 [00:50:59] KPFA.

Speaker 4 [00:51:04] Well,

Speaker 5 [00:51:08] Too

Speaker 4 [00:51:11] In

Speaker 5 [00:51:12] And

Speaker 4 [00:51:16] Of

Speaker 5 [00:51:43] You

Speaker 4 [00:51:44] Knife

Good News! This Show can be summed up by this letter:

Dear Lord Smythington-Rumphole,

Thank you for providing me with a very lovely shed over the last 5 years. I once caught two marmots grundeling in the boiler room. Incidentally, the boiler room is really smelly and appears to be a guest latrine for the homeless and the rumpus room has fungi and mold growing on the walls. During my time here, I have only known of two violent assaults and three drug stabbings. I hereby give notice on 716 Mungersnatch Crossing. I've left a pair of grundeling marmots in the bath to express my sincere gratitude.

Yours sincerely

Little Johnny Boxdweller

Scalps have been turning up all over Berkeley and the populace is scared. 10 murders in 10 weeks, all committed with a Hand Saw, and still nobody has a clue who the killer is. Puzzling Uberbrow Evidence is an aging Oakland detective with a fondness for Dream Fluff donuts. When his friend, Howlland Owll, is kidnapped, he enlists the aid of a charming actor Philo Drummond.

Yonder, Puzzling was struggling to make his way through the magic cornfield behind Philo's place. He had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. A pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared. One by one they latched on to Puzzling Evidence who yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots clutching his vintage cassette deck.

It was Friday the 13th, About four hours later, Puzzling awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Puzzling did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy fantastic pumpkin patch, he was alarmingly lost. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he remembered that his vintage cassette deck was taken by the marmots. That's when, to his horror, a retarded marmot emerged from the lemur-infested moor.

Can Drummond help Evidence overcome his video game addiction and find answers before the killer and his deadly Hand Saw strike again?

After another spine-blowing, mind-tingling, face-melting, Puzzling Evidence intro mix, Puzzling, Dr. Hal, Dr. Drummond, at 48:26 finally struggle to rise above the cacophony of their same voices talking over each other. "Puzzling Evidence is the standard by which all SubGenius Radio Shows are measured", The Show goes rogue and starts out teasing "The Boys" by disassembling itself and hiding the important parts under the board. Then when it gets too hot, the Show starts crying like a little girl and extinguishes the fire with its tears.

then...

A long, long time ago in a giant putrid galaxy...

After leaving the putrid planet Epsilon Eridani, a group of rebels fly toward a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into a wicked, space bungalow. Civil war strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by King Philo, a warped troll capable of vandalism and mopery. Terrified, a TV Reporter known as Puzzling Evidence flees the Empire, with his protector, Dr. Hal Robins. They head for Upper Boggington on planet Planet X. When they finally arrive, a fight breaks out. Robins uses his giant Plasma Rifle to defend Puzzling. Robins and TV Reporter Puzzling decide it's time to leave Planet X and steal a Rocket Sled and shoot their way out. They encounter a tribe of Hemorhoidians. Robins is attacked and the TV Reporter is captured by the Hemorhoidians and taken back to Upper Boggington. Robins must fight to save TV Reporter Puzzling but when he accidentally unearths a flatulent sausage, the entire future of the giant, putrid galaxy is at stake.

The Hairy Robot

A Short Story

by Lord Shartly VonShitstainpants

Philo Drummond looked at the hairy robot in his hands and felt grumpy.

He walked over to the window and reflected on his Overman surroundings. He had always loved the Fog-Shrouded Fortress of Solitude with its motionless, organism laden, modern Moss. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel lumpy.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Dr. Hal Owll. Dr. Hal was a brutal muppet with greasy armpits and a chubby new generic appendage.

Philo gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a lofty, third, Fermented Watermelon Juice drinker with handsome armpits and beautiful new generic appendages of his own. His friends saw him as an angelic if deadly Ninja Saint. Once, he had even helped a tired toddler cross the road.

But not even a lofty person who had once helped a tired toddler cross the road, was prepared for what Dr. Hal had in store today.

The mud teased like loving snakes, making Philo happy.

As Philo stepped outside and Dr. Hal came closer, he could see the Sauron-like eye beaming out..

"Look Philo," growled Dr. Hal, with an obsequious glare that reminded Philo of brutal puppies. "It's not that I don't love you, but I want secret world peace formula. You owe me 2766 shekels."

Philo looked back, even more happy and still fingering the hairy robot. "Dr. Hal, I am your cousin and your brother," he replied.

They looked at each other with apathetic feelings, like two glamorous, graceful goldfish rampaging at a very greedy St Swithen's Day, which had Death Metal music playing in the background and two friendly uncles stage diving to the beat.

Philo regarded Dr. Hal's greasy armpits and chubby new generic appendage. "I don't have the funds ..." he lied.

Dr. Hal glared. "Do you want me to shove that hairy robot in another hairy place where the sun don't shine?"

Philo promptly remembered his lofty and third values. "Actually, I do have the funds," he admitted. He reached into his pockets. "Here's what I owe you."

Dr. Hal looked dopey, his wallet blushing like a stingy, splendid statue.

Then they both came inside for a nice drink of Fermented Watermelon Juice.

THE END

Created on 10th April 2024.

Auto Praise for The Hairy Robot

"I feel like I know Philo Drummond. In a way, it feels as though I've always known him."

- The Daily Tale

"About as enjoyable as being hailed on whilst taking in washing that has been targeted by seagulls with the squits."

- Enid Kibbler

"Saying the mud teased like loving snakes is just the kind of literary device that makes this brilliant."

- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."

- Zob Gloop

It was a moonlit night at KPFA radio station, where Dr. Philo Drummond, Dr. Hal Owll, and Professor D. Wellwood hosted their offbeat UFO cult detective show. Wellwood, always searching for his elusive tapedeck and reminiscing about Burning Man, added his peculiar charm.

During a break in their broadcast, a commotion upstairs led them to a grisly discovery in the station manager's office – the lifeless body of a low-life scumbag with ties to the criminal underworld.

Wellwood's sharp deductions pointed to a tangled web of corruption involving crooked politicians and compromised judges. Ruby Malone, a mysterious dame with connections, hinted at Slim Delaney, a smooth-talking con-man who knew more than he let on.

Joe Biden, ever bumbling, stumbled into the mess, almost blowing their cover. He offered to help but only made things worse until inadvertently revealing critical evidence and almost blowing the case wide open but not quite.

To unravel the mystery, they navigated through the city's seedy underbelly, bribing informants and making shady deals in dimly-lit bars. All the while, they kept up the façade of their radio personas.

As tensions mounted, they uncovered an unexpected link to an evil clown named Chuckles, lurking in the shadows and pulling strings behind the scenes.

In a climactic showdown atop the station's roof – which opened dramatically like a missile launchpad – they confronted Chuckles and his cronies. Wellwood's tapedeck, miraculously recovered, played a crucial role in distracting the villains long enough for them to gain the upper hand.

With the first light of dawn on the horizon, Drummond, Owll, and Wellwood toasted their victory with Ruby, knowing they had only scratched the surface of the city's mysteries.

As they signed off their show, they looked forward to their next broadcast – and the unpredictable adventures that awaited them, fueled by Wellwood's Burning Man tales, tapedeck, and the allure of the night.

It was a foggy evening in London, and Dr. Philo Drummond, a distinguished archaeologist with a knack for solving mysteries, found himself in the study of his close friend and colleague, Dr. Hal Owll. The two were discussing an intriguing case that had recently come to their attention – the disappearance of top-secret government documents from the Foreign Office, under mysterious circumstances.

As they pored over the details, a knock at the door interrupted their conversation. In stepped a tall, slender man with sharp features and piercing eyes – Professor D. Wellwood, a renowned consulting detective known for his uncanny resemblance to the legendary Sherlock Holmes.

"Gentlemen," began Wellwood, "I believe our paths have crossed for a reason. This case of the missing documents is more complex than it appears."

Drummond and Owll nodded in agreement, eager to hear Wellwood's analysis. The professor paced the room, his mind clearly at work. "The key lies in the timing of the theft and the potential motives behind it," he mused aloud. "We must visit the scene of the crime and hunt for clues."

The trio set out that very night to the Foreign Office, where they combed through the offices under the guise of conducting research on ancient civilizations. It was there, hidden beneath a desk, that Drummond discovered a crumpled note with cryptic symbols – a clue left behind by the perpetrators.

Their investigation led them down a labyrinth of twists and turns, involving encounters with a peculiar cast of characters including ghostly whispers, a retired wrestling champion turned tea enthusiast, a gorilla with a penchant for opera, a ballerina who moonlighted as a codebreaker, and a mysterious clown who frequented the opera house.

One stormy evening, as they followed a lead to an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of the city, they stumbled upon a shocking sight – the lifeless body of a Foreign Office clerk, clutching a torn corner of the missing documents.

"It appears our adversaries will stop at nothing to keep their secrets hidden," remarked Owll solemnly.

With Wellwood's guidance, the detectives pieced together the puzzle. They uncovered a web of espionage involving foreign agents and a disgruntled diplomat with a taste for blackmail. The missing documents held the key to an international scandal that threatened to upend diplomatic relations.

In a dramatic climax, the detectives apprehended the culprits, restoring the stolen documents to their rightful place. The case was solved, but not without a few surprises – including an unexpected cameo by none other than Joe Biden, who, in a moment of absentmindedness, nearly spilled tea over critical evidence during a press conference.

In the aftermath of their success, Drummond, Owll, and Wellwood celebrated with a well-deserved evening at the opera. Ghosts, wrestlers, gorillas, ballerinas, and clowns alike joined in the revelry, making for a memorable spectacle.

As the curtains closed on their adventure, the trio of detectives found themselves hailed as heroes, their friendship cemented through the trials and triumphs of the case. With a renewed sense of purpose, they looked forward to future adventures, confident that together, they could unravel any mystery that crossed their path. And so, in true Holmesian fashion, Dr. Philo Drummond, Dr. Hal Owll, and Professor D. Wellwood continued to thrive in a world where the thrill of the chase was only surpassed by the joy of solving the most perplexing of puzzles.

Philo, Hal, and PuzEv had been best friends since childhood, bonded by their shared love for astronomy and exploration. Together, they embarked on a daring mission to Mars, armed with their homemade radio transmitter fashioned from spare parts and sheer determination. As they set up their equipment on the dusty Martian surface, excitement buzzed in the air as they prepared to make history by establishing communication with Earth.

With bated breath, they powered on the radio, adjusting knobs and antennas in hopes of catching a signal. Suddenly, crackles and static filled the airwaves, and strange, otherworldly voices began to emerge from the speakers. Bewildered, the friends exchanged puzzled glances, unsure of what they were hearing. Before they could investigate further, wispy apparitions materialized around the radio, taking on eerie forms that seemed to dance and swirl in the Martian breeze.

Philo, Hal, and PuzEv stared in disbelief as the ghosts emanated from their equipment, their translucent figures casting a haunting glow against the red Martian soil. Fear gripped their hearts as they struggled to comprehend the supernatural phenomenon unfolding before them. With trembling hands, they attempted to shut off the radio, but the ghosts persisted, swirling around them with an otherworldly energy.

Desperate to escape the spectral spectacle, the friends huddled together, frantically brainstorming a solution. Drawing upon their collective ingenuity, they quickly devised a plan to reverse the radio's frequency, hoping to disrupt the ghostly transmission. With a series of swift adjustments, they managed to override the signal, causing the apparitions to dissipate into the Martian atmosphere.

Exhausted but relieved, Philo, Hal, and PuzEv shared a moment of triumph as they realized they had narrowly averted disaster. Though shaken by their brush with the supernatural, they remained undeterred in their quest to communicate with Earth. With renewed determination, they returned to their makeshift radio, ready to resume their mission and make contact with their home planet once more.

Let's catch Philo and Hal as they blabber away -

Let me call my rat with your paw

But I didn't mean to Ridicule your rat in the way I can afford some Tell us the ugly looking rat. I never seen he came out trying to bite my tire with his foamy mouth Come on ready His eyes are one ready by Thinking

Horrible Horrible look on his and he's shivering after my tire Well, no wonder dogs chase

On the tire Dog Three-eyed two-eared

Lop-faced enemy of dogs. They can't hurt you know

He was lop-faced. All right

He had a half of his face had at least three quarters of his head in it And the other half of his face had less than one quarter of his head in it, you know

He was real piece of work. He was like a real long jawed lop-faced, face-eyed

green lipped lily-livered

Lily-livered lap dog of the Bougeoisie was he a running dog?

He was a dog of Bush. He was one of Bush's left on the prison map in a way it pushes the lab drawers away.

Like a doll like a greasy slimey doll dog.

There he was here in the background looking away at the lap of luxury

As a dog returneth to his vomit so returneth a fool to the lollygagging

Lollygagging the way it's a lab lollygagging around

Lying like a lumpy log dog hog

Lying and licking and liking and like a lollipop like lichen licking the edge of a lichen

Actual words said on The Show are exclusively for use by "the children" to build a better brighter greener future.