According to Professor Trelawney, we're all going to die. Hermione isn't buying it. Ron can't tell the difference between a dog and a bowler hat. Trevor the Toad has a close call. And Buckbeak punches a Nazi. Plus: Are Hogwarts paintings wizarding A.I.?

Stuff gets a little bit heavy for Harry. Sirius Black wants to murder him and the only things protecting him are soul-sucking demons. But it's OK, because Harry goes shopping and eats some ice cream; Hermione gets a cat; Scabbers gets a check-up; and everyone gets some much-deserved anti-Dementor chocolate. Plus: Is Hagrid qualified to teach?!

Welcome back to Privet Drive! Harry finally gets some birthday presents. The Weasleys mishandle a windfall and maybe rob a bunch of tombs. Aunt Marge goes too far. And Ernie and Stan are definitely getting 1 star on the Knight Bus app. Plus: Who was that black dog, anyway?

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Our second bonus film episode! We discuss the movie adaptation of Chamber of Secrets. Topics include over-long action sequences, the absolute perfection of Lucius, Gilderoy, and Moaning Myrtle's creepy creepy voice/face, Valley of the Uncanny Dobby, and … wow, does Harry Potter have a hand-holding fetish?

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Chamber of Secrets ends with many bangs (including the one between Percy and Penelope Clearwater, heh heh heh). Tom Marvolo Riddle teaches Harry a handy anagram; Hermione figures everything out but gets zero credit; Ginny learns the dangers of journaling; Dobby is a free elf; Dumbledore twinkles a little too much; and Lockhart makes some extremely poor choices. Special guest: Deus ex Weepy Bird!

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Aaah, real monsters! The kids pick some magical electives, Hermione gets pwned by the Beast of Slytherin, Hagrid gets extrajudicially tortured, Dumbledore sort of gets his comeuppance, and WE MEET THOUSANDS OF GIANT SPIDERS. Plus, Ford Anglia to the rescue!

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Get those cauldrons brewing! The Polyjuice Potion is ready, and the pals go cavorting in disguise. We also discuss Gilderoy's Valentine dwarfs, a misleading diary, a crazy scapegoating, more Slytherin nonsense, and a Candy Land theory.

Everything has gone to hell at Hogwarts. Harry loses all his bones; Dobby tells us some bleak news; Colin, Justin, and Nearly Headless Nick succumb to a monster; and everyone hates a Parselmouth. Careful, my bones!

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Much is afoot at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! School spirits, chambers so big because they're full of secrets, and a very sad magical correspondence course. We learn some new vocabulary (squibs! deathdays!) and reiterate that Slytherin is trash. Plus, Draco continues to have no chill.

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Heather and Alex talk howlers, mandrakes, and racing brooms, and then things get serious. What does Mudblood mean in 2016? And what other "golden"-haired narcissist who can't stop plugging his books does the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor remind us of?