Oh dear, we are not nice to darling Jo this week. Barty tells an implausible story; McGonagall makes friends with a dog; Dumbledore's eyes do a lot more than sparkle; Harry is appropriately nonplussed; Ron and Hermione are still not really part of it; and Snape helps, I guess? Plus: A piping hot Peter Pettigrew take.

This week's chapter: Veritaserum

Next week's chapters: The Parting of the Ways & The Beginning

Don't you wish your all-hands meetings took place in spooky graveyards? No? Just LoVo, then? This week: Voldy tells his side of the story; Harry grips his shaking wand; the Death Eaters get the band back together; Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle make a lot more sense; everyone is transported into an '80s laser light show; and Frank Bryce is an excellent heckler. Plus: Evil slapstick!

This week's chapters: The Death Eaters & Priori Incantatum

Next week's chapter: Veritaserum

Holy cow, this is a rough one—get ready to cry and cry. Rita Skeeter belatedly blows Book 2 wide open; Harry gets a merit badge in compasses; a Sphinx has lost its touch, riddle-wise; Ron and Hermione are … not really part of it; Cedric, well, you know; and LoVo learns to cook. Plus: We wish David Bowie would show up.

This week's chapters: The Third Task & Flesh, Blood, and Bone

Next week's chapters: The Death Eaters & Priori Incantatem

Hi, we messed up our audio this week, so instead of regularly scheduled programming, you get to hear from … yourselves! We read letters on wizarding Myers-Briggs testing, bad Hogwarts pedagogy, Hermione's allyship, Santa's little helpers, and the uses of snake milk. Thankssssss for the mail, amigosssssss!

Next week's chapters: The Third Task & Flesh, Blood, and Bone

Weird wispy cloud for your thoughts? Because Dumbledore has too many of 'em, and not enough are about making sure kids don't die in mazes. This week, Harry has a nightmare; Karkaroff has some information to share; Barty has something to prove; Fudge has no care whatsoever for his colleagues; Dumbledore has a big bowl of ideas and none of them are good; and Neville, sweet soul, has a secret.

This week's chapters: The Dream & The Pensieve

Next week's chapters: The Third Task & Flesh, Blood and Bone

There are only two actually funny things in this episode; sorry. They are bubotuber pus and nifflers. Otherwise, it's hate mail, torture, authoritariamism, more torture, family drama, enslaved elves, alcoholism, trauma, literally even more torture, and oh, Sirius is starving to death. Cool.

This week's chapters: Padfoot Returns & The Madness of Mr. Crouch

Next week's chapters: The Dream & The Pensieve

Harry's got to be under the sea, in a giant squid's garden, in peril. Get ready for the scuba trip from hell as Harry and the rest of the champions take on the second Triwizard task. J.K. recycles a plot twist; Mad-Eye contemplates a murder; Snape is awful but often correct; Cat Wife and Moaning Myrtle make triumphant returns; Dobby super duper saves the day; and Dumbledore speaks Mermish. Plus: Let's just reiterate that this school should immediately be shut down. None of this is OK.

This week's chapters: The Egg and the Eye & The Second Task

Next week's chapters: Padfoot Returns & The Madness of Mr. Crouch

Time for the worst thing a young wizard will ever experience: a school dance! This week, Dobby gets some knitwear; Ron practices his DIY skills; Parvati Patil slays; #Frangelina cuts a rug; girls rule; boys drool; and Hagrid has a *big* secret. Plus: Misandrist unicorns and wedge issues!

This week's chapters: The Yule Ball & Rita Skeeter's Scoop

Next week's chapters: The Egg and the Eye & The Second Task

Twitterpation has turned to full-on hormone madness this week. Dobby is a high-fashion elf; all your faves are problematic; Harry is overly forgiving; Hermione and Ginny are queens; Neville and Fred get it done; Harry is NOT the Cho-sen One; and seriously, what the hell is the matter with Ron? Plus: Minerva McGonagall's tight bun(s).

This week's chapters: The House Elf Liberation Front & The Unexpected Task

Next week's chapters: The Yule Ball & Rita Skeeter's Scoop

If you were looking for total mayhem, the first task of the revamped Triwizard Tournament does not disappoint! Basically, these chapters go angst, angst, library, disembodied fireplace head, dragonsdragonsdragonsdragonsdragns near death experience oh my god what the f**k dragons, Madame Pomfrey, best friends forever, dragons. Hold onto your butts!

This week's chapters: The Hungarian Horntail & The First Task

Next week's chapters: The House Elf Liberation Front & The Unexpected Task