The Quibbler: A Harry Potter Book Club

We're changing our tune on a few things this week—most notably, indeed, Dumbledore is a huge badass. Dobby once again parachutes in with a dire and timely warning; Fudge massively overplays his hand; Dumbledore's got style; Umbridge tries her hand at enhanced interrogation methods; the twins light it up; and the Marauders severely underwhelm. Plus: Seriously, someone call in a missing persons report for Ron Weasley in this book.

This week's chapters: The Centaur and the Sneak & Snape's Worst Memory

Next week's chapters: Career Advice & Grawp

Hot off the wizard presses, it's a Quibbler within a Quibbler! This week, Cho should have picked Roger Davies; Rita Skeeter explains the media business; Hermione goes rogue; we realize wizards don't take art classes; Trelawney has a sherry problem; and Dumbledore makes his best hire. Plus: Seriously, is Ron Weasley even in this book?!

This week's chapters: The Beetle at Bay & Seen and Unforeseen

Next week's chapters: The Centaur and the Sneak & Snape's Worst Memory

Who knew we'd come out of these chapters wishing we had Phineas Nigellus as a life coach? This week, Harry puts the Grim in Grimmauld; Arthur experiments with alternative medicine; Hermione ruins her family's Christmas; Ginny reminds everyone that Book 2 happened; Gilderoy learns cursive; and Snape preaches closed-mindedness. Plus: Wow is Ron even in this book?

This week's chapters: Christmas on the Closed Ward & Occlumency

Next week's chapters: The Beetle at Bay & Seen and Unforeseen

Raise your hand if you've watched someone die, kids! This week, we're back with ghost horses, soggy snogs, the scariest kind of portrait mode, and so much more. Hermione explains feelings; Neville tells a grownup; Harry has snake eyes; Arthur narrowly escapes a terrible fate; wizards ration medicine; and Harry might need a LoVo exorcism.

This week's chapters: The Eye of the Snake & St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries

Next week's chapters: Christmas on the Closed Ward & Occlumency

It started as an April Fools joke and became SO MUCH MORE. This week, we read Twilight and enjoyed it an embarrassing amount. Bella is weirdly obsessed with cars and can't stop falling over; the kids in Forks, Washington are almost creepily nice; Charlie Swan is just trying to do his job and eat his fish fry; Edward is just trying not to murder his new girlfriend; the rest of the Cullens are just trying not to be in direct sunlight so they don't freak everyone out with their sparkly skin; and we're just trying to pretend we're not suddenly Twihards. Plus: Our longest summary yet! And some VERY problematic cultural appropriation. It wouldn't be The Nibbler without some PC moralizing, now, would it?

You guys sent us some seriously good letters lately, so here we are, reading them back to you! From the wizarding criminal justice system to a righteous Neville takedown to the perennial head-scratcher of HOW MANY STUDENTS GO TO THIS DAMN SCHOOL, we cover the gamut of your questions, quibbles, and quality takes.

Who needs the draught of peace when you can just read a quidditch chapter? Just kidding, this one gets pretty exciting. Draco writes a song; Luna makes a costume; Ron chokes; Harry wins anyway; everyone loses their temper, including McGonagall(!); Hagrid spins a giant yarn; and Umbridge is everywhere, at all times, haunting our waking hours and our dreams in equal measure. Shudder.

This week's chapters: The Lion and the Serpent & Hagrid's Tale

Next week's chapters: The Eye of the Snake & St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries

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You must be in the room of requirement, because we have just what you need—another Quibbler episode! This week, Umbridge makes a fun new rule; Trelawney rages against the machine; Snape angrily elongates words; the twins engage in some performative synchronized puking; Dobby swoops in with vital information for no good reason; Harry teaches the only spell he knows; and Hermione shows some rare poor judgment. Plus: Professor Grubbly Plank is serving some serious androgynous lewks.

This week's chapters: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four & Dumbledore's Army

Next week's chapters: The Lion and the Serpent & Hagrid's Tale

We hate to agree with the truly evil Hogwarts High Inquisitor, but wow, does she have Professor Trelawney pegged. This week, Fudge signs an executive order; Hogwarts finally gets a performance management system; Hermione reads the whole textbook, shocking no one; Zacharias Smith suuuuucks; and Harry finally gets to look truly cool in front of Cho. Plus: God save the teens.

This week's chapters: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor & In the Hog's Head

Next week's chapters: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four & Dumbledore's Army

Remember when all Harry had to worry about at Hogwarts was whether Voldemort lived in his teacher's turban? This week, Umbridge makes an impression; Ron makes the team; Hermione makes hats; no one seems to make any dent in their insane piles of homework; and Percy and Sirius make us furious. We forgive Sirius though, because wow, does that guy have it rough. Plus: Where do the vanished snails go?!

This week's chapters: Detention with Dolores & Percy and Padfoot

Next week's chapters: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor & In the Hog's Head