The Quibbler: A Harry Potter Book Club

We're far from the hallows now … This week, Mr. Weasley is a skeptic; Ginny perfects her signature curse; someone should probably alert magical law enforcement to Blaise Zabini's mom; Belby chokes on a pheasant; Draco gets petted; and Harry gets stomped. Plus: Did we like A Star Is Born? Find out! (Spoiler alert: Kinda.)

This week's chapters: The Slug Club & Snape Victorious

Next week's chapters: The Half-Blood Prince & The House of Gaunt

Soup's on! This week, Harry gets a mouthful; Fleur gets a nickname; Florian Fortescue gets nabbed; the Weasley twins get rich off the magic-industrial complex; Madame Malkin gets uncomfortable; and we get really sad when we have a terrible realization about women in the wizarding world. Plus: Does Draco have a cool new tattoo? ALSO PYGMY PUFFS!

This week's chapters: An Excess of Phlegm & Draco's Detour

Next week's chapters: The Slug Club & Snape Victorious

Horace Slughorn would like to add you to his LinkedIn network (but only if you're rich and famous). This week, Dumbledore gives etiquette lessons; The Dursleys might be right about how depraved wizards are; apparating is worse than flying coach; Harry meets a real-life La-Z-Boy; and Heather reveals some dark truths about the kind of terrible, terrible teen she was. Plus: A Quibbler origin story.

This week's chapters: Will and Won't This week's chapters: Will and Won't & Horace Slughorn

Next week's chapters: An Excess of Phlegm & Draco's Detour

We're back, witches, with a brand new book! This week, the Prime Minister can't get weirdos to stop stumbling out of his fireplace; Fudge is a cockroach-level political survivor; Kingsley Shacklebolt is such a utility player; Bellatrix has not shaken her inexplicable French accent; Narcissa loves her garbage son; and Snape makes a devious promise. Plus: wands up for Amelia Bones. Roll dem bones in the great beyond, friend.

This week's chapters: The Other Minister & Spinner's End

Next week's chapters: Will and Won't & Horace Slughorn

How anyone watches the movies without reading the books and has any idea what's going on, we'll never know. This week, Cousin Kyle joins us again as we delve into the Order of the Phoenix film. Crookshanks eats a GMO ear; we stan Imelda Staunton; the poor Creeveys get smashed into a terrible child named Nigel; Ron's subplots are totally absent; the twins and Dumbledore are out-of-character assholes; and a "giant snake" plagues Harry's dreams. Plus: Remember how there's a Marauders' Map? USE IT!

We're done with Order of the Phoenix! Five books down—can you believe it? This week, Dumbledore gives the Sparknotes for the whole series; Harry is rightfully pissed; Kreacher pulls a reverse Dobby; Luna does emotional labor, as does Nearly Headless Nick; Mad Eye gets his point across; and we're genuinely say about Sirius—seriously. Plus: WARNING! We spoil Murder on the Orient Express for some reason.

This week's chapters: The Lost Prophecy & The Second War Begins

Next week: Owl Post!

It’s the penultimate Order of the Phoenix episode and, unless you’re an invincible magic bird, this is not going to end well. This week: Alex constantly mispronounces “Lestrange”; Dumbledore’s Army destroys centuries of priceless archival material; Bellatrix almost destroys the prophecy to own the libs; Neville actually destroys the prophecy because he’s Neville; Ron does nothing; and love saves the day, but not Sirius Black. Woof. Plus: Heather's dessert preferences, revealed at last.

This week's chapters: Beyond the Veil & The Only One He Ever Feared

Next episode's chapters: The Lost Prophecy & The Second War Begins

Much like this very book, our episode this week has some abrupt and wild tonal shifts. Alex and Heather hear a bird; Alex and Heather sing showtunes; the summary finally starts; Umbridge gets an unjust punishment (yes, even though she's terrible); Grawp talks; Luna makes a great suggestion; Ginny does a great hex; Harry very much does NOT have a great plan.

This week's chapters: Fight and Flight & The Department of Mysteries

Next week's chapters: Beyond the Veil & The Only One He Ever Feared

Intrigue! Betrayal! Torture! Finals! This week's chapters have everything. Harry overperforms; we meet the series' first competent bureaucrats; Hagrid refuses to go quietly; Sirius gets dream-kidnapped; Kreacher gets his revenge; Draco is the Salacious Crumb of Slytherin; and Hermione thinks fast. Plus: Madame Ponfrey has accurately identified herself as the only one standing between the entire student body and certain death.

This week's chapters: O.W.L.s and Out of the Fire

Next Week's Chapters: Fight and Flight & The Department of Mysteries

Order of the Phoenix is really doing the MOST. This week, Harry makes his worst choice; the Marauders take the bare minimum responsibility; the twins unleash hell; Umbridge fails to drain the swamp; Hagrid pushes the "family is important" theme to its outer limits; Ron does something; and quidditch is presented in its ideal form—offscreen. Plus: Someone write a centaur spinoff, please.

This week's chapters: Career Advice & Grawp

Next week's chapters: O.W.L.s & Out of the Fire