The Regulation Revolution

When I try to conjure up a description of my family - positive attitude is not the first thing that comes to my mind. By no means are they doom and gloom, and oh boy has life thrown them some punches, but they have a tendency to focus on the “need to do” instead of the “want to do.”

But by god, they always do it with a can-do attitude because as my mom says “I’m not going down without a fight.”

Except… this week… I have noticed the world starting to bring them down a bit.

Not just my family though, this overall “I’m tired from the universe” has shown up in many other people within my life.

Which I GET.

It kind of feels like the universe is crumbling? That society as we know it is slightly collapsing? AI is gonna take over and the things we want to do for fun have eaten into our bare minimum of survival budget.

IF we look at it that way.

My personal belief is that the most radical thing we can do is find joy in each and every day.

I met my husband when I was 25 (an infant! Some might say) and after probably two months of dating I showed up to his house utterly depressed.

Someone I knew, who was a very sweet boy, lost his father unexpectedly, in front of him, and there was absolutely nothing he could have done to save him at that moment.

I had never met his father. And honestly I hadn’t spoken to this boy in years - but finding out about this shook me to my core.

As I crawled into bed with my now husband (then a boyfriend who I was “just having fun with”) he held me and said “Tia, you can’t carry everyone’s pain around. It’s just not possible or you aren’t gonna make it.”

I told him he was cold.

But he was right.

If you truly thought of every single thing going wrong in the world, you would be absolutely fucking miserable. And people love other people being miserable. There is a community of miserable humans wandering around, always wanting to bring you down. And if you don’t have your own community - it seems like a place where you can easily be welcomed with a complaint about your day, your partner, or your job.

I should know because I love drama. I always say, I am human - I do not claim to be perfect. BUT I’m actively rewiring my brain to catch those moments where I enjoy someone’s downfall because WHO is that helping exactly??

So the most radical thing you can do is choose to not be miserable.

And it is a choice, I’m sorry if that sits with you the wrong way.

I’m human. I see the state of the world. And I ain’t gonna lie - it makes me pretty damn sad sometimes - but the reality is, we live in it.

I’ll be damned if I let other people’s misery ruin this one precious life I have.

Okay okay, I’ll get off my soap box.

You’re like “Tia I would LOVE to not be miserable, but it just keeps catching me. How do we stay positive when the world is bringing us down??”

You look out into humanity.

SEEK it out.

Make a conscious effort to find ONE thing a day that gives you hope.

I started doing this last spring. I was driving to work as the sun was rising, so damn tired, thinking “I just can’t wait to be in Guatemala.”

Immediately I got irritated with myself. I was wishing time away (like three months of it) and putting all my hope into this one trip to make me happy.

GIRL get the fuck out. I didn’t want to be the basic b always talking about her vacation, so I then had the thought of “what if I approached my day as if I was on vacation?!”

You know when you are on vacation and you start taking pictures of things you would NEVER do on your normal Tuesday? Like were my eggs on avocado toast really that much better because I paid $20 dollars for them?

No. But I told myself they were in the moment, and the photo has a beautiful streak of light illuminating my sourdough toast and cappuccino. But guess what??? I believed that this was more important than my everyday breakfast because I was ~on vacation~.

So I made a promise to myself to start looking at each day with that same amount of enthusiasm as I do when I’m on vacation and guess what?? I started enjoying my life SO much more.

When I started seeking this, I saw things I would have missed when I sat in my misery:

* Yesterday I saw a guy shimmying outside his house to entertain someone inside. He had a whole dance party as he got out of his car.

* My heart lit up when I saw an old dog wagging its tail as it slowly climbed a hill. No leash needed anymore - he wasn’t going anywhere fast. You could tell by his waddles felt like freedom.

* Catching my husband’s smile when I ate the potatoes he messed up and thought they were donezo. That’s something that will stick with me.

Neville Goddard, a thinker we shall call him, who lectured across the world and wrote many books from 1938 all the way to 1972, once stated “Your feelings create the pattern from which your world is fashioned, and a change of feeling is a change of pattern.”

Someone asked me recently what is actually nervous system regulation? To me, nervous system regulation is the ability to build a capacity for an incredible life. (I stole this from my client and it will soon be my tagline. I will give her credit, don’t worry!!)

Life isn’t always going to be sunshine and rainbows, but if we looked at the building of this life as little steps. We break it into actionable items - one day you will look up and there will be a level of calm that didn’t exist before.

One where you can understand why your body is responding a certain way in reaction to a perceived threat - and then you choose to move forward anyway because you BELIEVE in the outcome more than the fear that is showing up.

Back to good old Neville - if we learn how to interrupt a miserable feeling within our body we can then practice sitting with that feeling, understanding where it is coming from, and then shifting out of the feeling.

The feelings we repeatedly practice can become the feelings our subconscious learns to recognize as familiar. And your nervous system NEEDS familiarity.

The feelings you practice become the feelings your body expects. If you spend every day rehearsing dread, dread starts to feel like home.

The good news is that your brain can practice the other direction too. A meta-analysis of 48 neuroimaging studies found that cognitive reappraisal, which means changing how you think about something to change its emotional impact, consistently engaged the brain’s cognitive control regions and shifted activity in the amygdala, your threat-detection center. (Buhle et al., Cerebral Cortex, 2014.) yale

What this means is shifting how you interpret a moment is simply a skill, and skills get stronger with practice.

What’s that saying - the first thing to being good at something is sucking at it?? Well sometimes we have to feel SO shit to want to change.

But I promise if you try to intentionally find ONE thing a day that doesn’t suck, you’re doing better than the past version of yourself and that’s pretty cool.

If you are having trouble getting out of the spiral - it’s something I think I’m pretty good at, and love helping other people find their way up and to the right - so book a gifted session with me. Let’s uplevel your life.

Lots of love,

Tia

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Someone asked me recently if I believed in God, and I immediately thought of Dalton.

Dalton was my roommate my sophomore year of college.

And while I don’t particularly remember the details — because that’s what happens when you’re carrying trauma — or the exact order this all came about, I do know everything here is true and did, in fact, happen.

So: God vs. Dalton.

One night, sitting on the bathroom floor of my bedroom, I was wondering if it was even worth it to be alive, or what would be the least traumatic way for me to go for everyone involved.

See, I had messed up a few friendships by that point, thanks to one blindly drunken night and about three bad decisions I made after that.

Funny how it only takes one scared 18-year-old decision to change the entire trajectory of your life.

But anyway, I remember Dalton. And I remember the knock on my door, followed by “I made you a little cup of frosting.”

He knew how much I love frosting.

He could clearly tell I was having a bad day, though at the time, no one knew how bad it really was, how dysregulated I had become, or how close I was teetering to the edge of existence.

But that little cup of frosting and a glimmer of someone seeing me, got me off that floor and back into reality.

Then after Dalton, there was the bartender in Slovakia.

A man who was the sole worker of a bar with one booth and three stools. It existed in the middle of a town I had never heard of, but found myself in thanks to shifting train schedules and a rural stop that had apparently stopped existing.

Even though they’d sold me the ticket there the day before.

“What are you doing here?”

“It was an accident. I’ll take a beer. Is this town walking distance from here?”

“It’s at least an hour’s drive away.”

“Okay… I’ll just grab a taxi out front.”

“Don’t do that. I will call my friend.”

This man was either my savior, or the one who could have decided my untimely end.

By the fear I saw in his eyes when I said I would grab a taxi outside, I chose to believe he was the former rather than the latter. He left me with no other choice.

I’m still here, so I think you know the answer to that.

After the Slovakian bartender in the middle of nowhere, I think of the dad on the hike who helped me cross a particularly slippery, loose rock ledge just a few days later. He got his family across, then came back for me.

I was alone.

He spoke no English.

But he held my hand and made sure I was safe and on steady ground and then he waved goodbye to catch up to his wild toddlers running alongside his wife.

After mountain dad, I think of the women wearing pussy hats after a feminist rally who helped a post brunch with besties version of myself, navigate the NYC subway to find her friend she hadn’t seen since college.

My train got canceled again and I started to recognize a theme with trains.

After that, I think of the man with the pit bull that same night, who let me use his phone to call an Uber at an ungodly hour when mine had died and I was in unfamiliar territory. It would have been easy for him to walk past, or worse…

And after the man with the pit bull, I think of the hiker on Crib Goch in the middle of Wales in Snowden National park, who walked back onto the trail when he realized my friend and I hadn’t quite made it back before sunset. His wife had recently needed to be evacuated by helicopter from that same mountain, and he wanted to make sure we were okay.

He said he’d waited for an hour for us the parking lot.

We were fine - just deliriously tired, laughing at goats as we meandered our way back to our hostel across the road from the trailhead. Our legs couldn’t have moved any faster if we’d tried.

After the concerned hiker husband who didn’t want a repeat of his wife’s rescue, I think of the woman who came up to myself and the girl I was helping at a festival. I was coaching her how to relearn how to breathe when her excitement to fit in didn’t quite match her body’s physical capability that day - if you’re picking up what I’m putting down at a rave. It’s happened to the best of us.

The woman walked up, popped a lollipop in her mouth, handed her some water and looked me in the eyes saying “you’re doing great sweetie” as she danced away.

Her confident reassurance helped me help this girl come back to reality.

And after rave queen, I think of the hundreds of other times fate could have ended me, but didn’t because of the humans who surrounded me.

So no, I don’t have an answer on whether I believe in God or not.

But I do believe there were too many times the universe could have given up on me, and it didn’t.

The people in it showed up. In full force. With a hand out to help me through.

I’m not exactly sure who sent these people in, and I may never know why they did these things for me but I choose to believe in the people here, on this earth, every day.

I now make a conscious decision to choose to see the good, even when the world so badly wants to turn us against each other. Not certainty, but chosen faith in human connection and resilience.

So when asked if I believe in God, I don’t know - I haven’t really found that out yet… but I do believe in Dalton.

Lots of love,Tia

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I had a whole other post written for this week and it’s getting pushed to next week, because I cannot stop thinking about “poop-gate.”

If you missed it: an elite Hyrox athlete named Joanna went viral because she shit herself mid-race… in an indoor arena… on shared equipment AND KEPT GOING. Finished the race. Won. Posted a photo of herself with an IV in her arm after saying a win is a win.

The thing is people would have understood the shitting herself part, but the continuing the race with other athletes on the same rower right after her with zero remorse in the post?

You now have a complete community (world?) outraged and I do understand that.

But underneath the internet outrage, there’s something I think is actually worth talking about: what happens to your brain when your body is under extreme stress, and why “rational thinking” is often the first thing to go offline.

What Is a Freeze Response?

A freeze response is what happens when your nervous system decides a threat is too big to fight or outrun, so it shuts things down instead, including the part of your brain responsible for weighing consequences.

Endurance athletes soiling themselves mid-race isn’t rare. Extreme physical stress redirects blood away from the digestive tract and can trigger sudden bowel urgency. Your body is too busy keeping you upright and moving to also run digestion. The New York Times even covered this exact question a few hours before I sat down to write this: why do athletes soil themselves so frequently? because this convo is THAT hot right now.

I don’t think Joanna is an outlier in endurance sports. I think she’s a case study around nervous system regulation and what made her continue the race.

I don’t think she should have been allowed to finish, for everyone else’s sake. In case my stance wasn’t clear - but here is my theory on why she did.

Under extreme physical stress, unless your body has specifically been trained to think clearly while under duress, like the way Navy SEALs train, or the way I coach police officers to think under stress, your brain doesn’t stay online. It shuts off the part that asks, is this affecting other people? and keeps only the part that says keep moving. It’s a survival mechanism.

Joanna has clearly trained her body to withstand enormous physical stress. What she probably hasn’t trained is the mental layer on top of it. This is the part that would’ve interrupted the “finish at all costs” loop with a different thought: this affects the people around me OR this moral performance will override my physical performance.

That thought never landed. Her nervous system was too dysregulated to let it in.

You’ve probably had a moment where you thought afterward, why did I even do that?

I know I have.

This is when your nervous system deploys a defense mechanism without rational thinking.

Joanna’s “win is a win” post about winnning hours later, with zero acknowledgment of what happened was her still existing in a freeze state.

Coming out of a freeze state takes time, and it takes being grounded enough in your body to actually process what just happened. If you’re still dysregulated, you’re still in a state of survival rather than a state of being. With cognitive, rational, thoughts.

Cognitive science backs this up in a general sense: under high stress, the brain’s threat-response circuitry can outpace the slower, deliberate reasoning circuitry, which is part of why cognitive reappraisal (consciously reframing a stressful situation) is such a well-studied regulation tool. It’s not that the thinking brain disappears, it doesn’t move as fast as the threat-response.

How to Apply This

You don’t need to be a Hyrox athlete for this to matter. Here’s how to actually build the kind of nervous system regulation that keeps your critical thinking online when your experience a high stress state:

* Notice your baseline stress load before you’re in a high-stakes moment. Most of the time dysregulation compounds, it doesn’t just show up out of nowhere.

* Practice pausing under smaller stress. The next time a hard conversation comes up, or a tight deadline, take a moment to pause and notice how you are reacting to the situation. This will start to train your brain body connection what staying online when things get harder looks like.

* Build a physical reset you trust. This could look like pulse jumps, emotional freedom tapping, body slapping or placing your back against a wall. If you don’t know what these are, or what your physical reset is - book a session with me and we can figure it out together!

* Debrief after dysregulated moments instead of judging them - ask what your body was protecting you from. Every reaction is a protective mechanism.

* Get support if this is a pattern, not just a one-off. A nervous system that stays offline under stress needs training.

Your body is a science experiment. You get to find out what actually helps yours stay regulated and it’s not even close to one size fits all.

If any of this hits close to home, if you’ve had your own “wait, why the HELL did I do that?” moment, that’s exactly the kind of thing I work through with clients 1:1. And if you just want to laugh about poop-gate, I’m here for that too.

Lots of love (and a healthy digestive system),

Tia

Thanks for reading The Regulation Revolution By Tia DeVincenzo! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

FAQ

Q: What is a freeze response in nervous system terms?A: It’s an involuntary shutdown response to overwhelming stress, where the brain deprioritizes rational decision-making in favor of survival.

Q: Why do athletes sometimes lose bowel control during extreme events?A: Intense physical stress redirects blood flow away from digestion, which can trigger sudden, uncontrollable urgency.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I fucked up. Let me tell you about it.

I always say I’m really good with humans and quite terrible with technology, and it finally happened. I thought I’d set something up on my scheduling system to stop someone from booking over the weekend. I checked my schedule on Friday and saw no one had booked for Monday. Monday was a holiday, so I went about my way telling myself I would prioritize rest this weekend. I sat in the sun with my family and acted like there wasn’t a care in the world because, to my mind, there wasn’t.

Except one of the people I’ve been serving was sitting at his computer Monday afternoon, waiting for me to sign on to a meeting he had booked that Sunday evening.

When I woke up Tuesday morning, I checked my email at 5:30 in the morning because I was excited about what had come in over the weekend. Or maybe I was just anxious because I rested a little “too much” and was curious if I had missed anything. Look, I’m also learning to regulate my nervous system, so judge me all you want, but I’m still human. I love my work and it excites me, so when I saw an email that said “I waited for a bit, but I was tired and decided to start sign off” my heart literally sank into my chest, and I reached a depth of guilt that I have yet to experience in my busines. I have never missed a meeting.

Before I go on, I need to explain what exactly nervous system regulation is and why I care so deeply about it.

Nervous system regulation is the ability to notice when your body has gone into a stress response. That may look like a racing heart, shallow breath, or, in my case, a hot flush of shame at a very early hour. When we know how to regulate our system, we respond from a grounded place instead of reacting from an activated state. It’s not about not feeling the guilt or panic; it’s about not letting the panic dictate the response.

Here is what I actually wanted to do the second I saw his message come through: run, apologize immediately, and very dramatically, with a lot of exclamation points, explain why I wasn’t there with an aggressive amount of “sorry’s” and “my bad’s”.

Potentially a desperate “please forgive me.”

My nervous system was on alert, and I was carrying a tremendous amount of guilt for resting while the person I was supposed to be serving sat there waiting for me to show up for him.

A large part of my agreements with my clients is that we show up on time and respect each other’s time. So, for me to feel like I was wasting this person’s precious time was a very uncomfortable place to be.

This is exactly where most people, especially high achievers, especially people who take their work very personally and seriously, do the most damage. It’s not necessarily by making the mistake, but it is how they respond to having made it.

A reactive, guilt-soaked apology doesn’t exactly rebuild trust with your client or potential clients, or even the people working under you. It usually just moves anxiety from your body into theirs, leaving no one with a resolution, but just more stress compounded.

So here’s what I did, and here are the four steps that I went through mentally to make sure that I could potentially salvage this relationship.

Step number one — I paused before I reacted.

The email I wanted to send that morning, with a lot of alarms going off in my head, would have made anyone hesitant to work with me, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I would have looked reactive instead of calm, which is exactly what I don’t want to do because I am trying to help people regulate their nervous system and up-level their life. I saw very clearly that I was not in the right state of mind to write anything well, and therefore I chose not to write anything at all. For an extended period of time - a lot longer than felt comfortable to me.

Step number two — I acknowledged the feeling before I allowed action from it.

Specifically, when we are experiencing emotions, acknowledging them is the catalyst for when we shift from being reactive to being empowered in our response. I even called my husband two hours after the discovery of the email and said, “I still feel like shit.” My nervous system thought that this was the end of the world, and I had to remind myself that me missing a call isn’t actually the end of the world. My potential client was safe. There was NO emergency. But my guilt was the thing that was coming through. Due to my guilt and my worried mind of how this person may perceive me, that is where the end-of-the-world feeling was coming from.

Step number three — got over my own emotions around it.

No matter how shitty and guilty I felt, that was not the responsibility of the person whose meeting I missed to take on. It wasn’t his job to make me feel better about it, and if I had responded when I felt like the world was collapsing in on me, I would have made it his job to feel guilty about it. I had to get over my emotions around the whole scenario and realize that it actually wasn’t about me in any way.

Step number four — owned it with my client.

No reasoning or excuses as to why I missed, but simply own my mistake. After I had sat on it for a few hours, I simply messaged him and I said, “Look, you trusted me with your time, and I abused that trust.” I promised him, and I mean it when I say this, that it will never happen again.

I live under the belief that most people are forgiving if you own your mistakes, and when you know how to communicate through a calm nervous system instead of a very dysregulated one, you can work your way through almost any slip-up that life throws at you.

One of my favorite questions is, “Am I proud of the way I acted?”

And while I wasn’t proud of missing the meeting by any means, I am proud of how I handled the situation. But I wouldn’t have been able to take a step back if I hadn’t spent time understanding what dysregulated means to me.

If you’ve been known to react instead of respond and you feel that these situations have brought some unwanted outcomes, then I invite you to reach out to me and we can have a conversation about it.

My first session, person to person, one to one, is simply looking at something that you may be struggling with and us working together to find where some patterns can be shifted and different outcomes can come true.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Lots of love,

Tia

FAQ

What is nervous system regulation, and why does it matter in professional relationships? It’s the practice of noticing stress activation in your body and choosing your response instead of reacting from panic. In professional relationships, it’s often the difference between an apology that rebuilds trust and one that just transfers your anxiety onto the other person.

How do you stop yourself from reacting when you feel intense guilt? Pause and name the physical sensations first — racing heart, tight shoulders, low energy — before you touch your keyboard. Talk it through with someone you trust. The urge to act immediately is usually the nervous system talking, not clear judgment.

Is it normal to feel this much guilt over a small professional mistake? Yes, especially if you’re someone who ties your worth to being reliable. The intensity of the guilt isn’t the problem — acting on it before you’ve regulated is.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I have been genuinely nervous to publish lately. Which is ridiculous, given the size of my audience. But the reality is I put all of these pressures on myself externally, around what people think of me.

Where I found my whimsy in the world this summer, I lost the whimsy of creating. I’ve been living quite extraordinarily by my standards this year, and I’ve come across some incredible humans along the way. In those little moments of living, I’ve had a lot of big conversations about how our perception of how people perceive us is actually how we see ourselves.

There’s a name for that and it’s called metaperception.

What Is Metaperception?

Metaperception is what we believe other people think of us - not what they actually think. It’s a construct. A guess our brain makes and then treats like evidence.

Here’s the problem: we don’t have the facts of how people see us. Our brain creates a reality we aren’t always backing it up with actual proof. Think of it like being on trial and having to defend your thoughts with real evidence. As keen as I am on understanding our feelings, I’m also acutely aware that sometimes our feelings lie. If you were asked for proof, sometimes you would not be able to provide it other than “that’s how I feel.”

Why It Matters

If you’re making decisions — about your work, your voice, your next move — based on a story your brain invented about what other people think, you’re not actually making a choice.

You’re managing an imagined jury.

This is where fear-based decision-making lives. The amygdala flags a perceived social threat before your prefrontal cortex has a chance to weigh in with actual evidence. Your nervous system reacts to the story as if it’s already happened. That’s the mechanism behind cognitive reappraisal work - learning to catch the story before it runs the show, and asking it to prove itself.

One of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten is that I show people how to live boldly and be authentically themselves. Recently, someone asked me how I do that for myself. His follow up question was asking how I find the discipline to keep doing it over and over again.

So that’s what I’ve written about today, as I reintegrate into something that actually terrifies me: being seen for my big old brain that doesn’t always have the words to appropriately express my understanding of the world.

The Allure of the Excuse

I am an example whore, so I’ll give you one in regards to this metaperception.

I haven’t posted in over a month. I was really afraid to post again. I sat with that and asked myself the incredibly obvious question: why am I afraid to post again? The answer came down to I was afraid people would judge me for taking a month off. They would call me lazy and not dedicated.

Great. Now I know why I was afraid. But that’s only half the battle. We do a lot of knowing on our healing journey, and not a lot of action.

Here is where the allure of the excuse seems so god damn appealing.

If I never posted again, I could’ve said:

* “I have multiple jobs.”

* “I have a new opportunity coming my way and that’s taking all my time.”

* “I decided to travel a lot and wanted to protect my peace.”

* “I decided to listen to what I preach and create space within my day.”

* “It just wasn’t growing my business the way I wanted it to.”

And that’s why I didn’t keep going.

Blah, blah, blah. I’m sure you skimmed through those excuses because they are BORING.

The reality is, I didn’t want to step into the spotlight of showcasing my biggest weakness - time management - and moving forward anyway. This is where the ACTION exists.

Excuses are very rational. They make so much sense to us but instead we need to look at the facts.

Moving forward is the scariest possible thing you could do for your body, brain, and nervous because we don’t somatically understand what happens on the other end of the step into the unknown.

Breaking the Freeze

Understanding why fear shows up is how I get over the fear of the action in front of me. Your brain wants to keep you safe, so any hit of fear or self-doubt tells you to stay in the space where you already understand what can happen.

Think the devil you know scenario.

Here’s the process, step by step on how to get out of the freeze and take the step:

* Recognize it. Notice when you feel fear before you try to explain it away.

* Feel it. Don’t skip past the sensation to get to the “fixing.”

* Break it down. Ask yourself directly - why am I afraid of this specific thing?

* Trace it. Find where that belief or story first came from in your life.

* Question the excuse. Rational-sounding reasons are still excuses if they’re protecting you from being seen.

* Ask the real question. Is this really the person I want to be at the end of the day?

If you’re stuck in the freeze between knowing and doing, this is the work I do 1:1 with high achievers and leaders helping them recognize fear-based patterns in real time and regulate their way through them, not around them.

It is the work I do and love to see people take scary steps that are life changing in more ways than one.

I love hearing your story and would love to connect - but for now! Choose the next step and play with these tools.

Lots of love,

Tia

FAQ

What is metaperception in psychology? Metaperception is the belief about how others perceive you — which is often inaccurate and shaped more by your own nervous system state than by actual feedback.

Why do we freeze before big decisions or public moments? The brain’s threat-detection system can flag social exposure or judgment as danger, triggering a fear response before you’ve consciously evaluated whether the threat is real.

How do I stop making decisions out of fear? Start by naming the fear specifically, tracing where the underlying belief came from, and asking whether your reasoning is fact-based or excuse-based before you decide.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I’ve fallen into this trap where I believe that if I have more time, magically everything will fall into place and I’ll feel lighter. That thought usually shows up when I’m teaching, working multiple jobs, and don’t have a lot of time. And then when I do get the time?

Sometimes I fall into this existential dread of: I have so much time, why am I not doing more with it? Am I a failure? Should I be more busy? Should I be producing more?

For years, we’re taught to produce. We fall into a system of school where you need good grades to get into a profession that produces money in order to live the life we think we should be living.

Ah, the should.

The part that makes everyone move toward something in a manner that may not be true to yourself because someone told you that you have to work very, very, very hard to achieve this, **insert external goal here.**

I’m not judging you. I do it too even with as much as I know about the nervous system — but especially when I was younger, which is exactly why I talk about it now.

“I’ll have more fun when I make this much money.” “I’ll be set once I buy the multi-family.” That’s mine, by the way. You can steal it, but that’s mine. “Things will be good and I’ll relax once I’m married.” All the married people can laugh at that one. “Once the kids are grown, I’ll do the selfish thing I’ve always wanted to do for myself.”

The problem is the external validation never actually fucking works.

It never provides the happiness we deem it will because we always find another thing to fill the void within ourselves if we don’t face the void head on.

You know what this is called? Hedonic adaptation, sometimes coined the hedonic treadmill.

What Is Hedonic Adaptation?

It’s a concept psychologists Philip Brickman and Donald Campbell introduced all the way back in 1971. This shit has been happening forever - we’ve been running on the same nervous systems for thousands of years.

We’re just still learning how to work with them, because it’s our first time experiencing life every single day, and a new experience takes our body and nervous system a little time to understand.

Hedonic adaptation describes your brain’s capacity to build a new baseline every time we reach a pivotal moment tied to external validation.

A pay rise. A new house. A marriage. Even a baby. A compliment from the person you’ve been crushing on. Retirement.

You tell yourself I’ll be happy when... and then it happens. And you ARE happy - you get the dopamine hit, the rush, the high. That part is real, and I’m not taking it away from you.

But two weeks, two months, two years later, you’re like “wait, I don’t really care about that anymore.”

You’re not really at “baseline”. You DID experience a new high. But your threshold changed.

It’s exactly like weight training - you eventually have to lift heavier to burn the same calories you did the first time, because your body adapted. That adaptability is a beautiful thing. It’s genuinely cool but when it comes to happiness, it’s brutal, because we hit the new goal, we ride the high (fuck yeah, I just got a pay rise and life is going to be smooth sailing), and then a few weeks later, the existential dread creeps back in.

Bills are still bills. Dinner still needs to be made. The thing that annoyed you two weeks ago, is still annoying to you.

How rude huh??? But also kind of beautiful, when you look at it.

Our body and mind are adaptable. Capable to hold, preserve, and shift.

But when we’re chasing external goals, we’re never actually going to find true freedom or peace within ourselves because we’ll always meet that baseline again.

Freedom From vs. Freedom To

The terminology from The Gap and the Gain helped this click for me - freedom from vs. freedom to.

“Freedom from” is getting relief from external pressures. This is what we think will make us happy — the pay rise, the house, the promotion.

To be clear: it’s okay to still want those things. I’m clapping right now, picture me clapping in your face. I’m not the person telling you to suffer in poorness.

Fuck that.

Money is good and fun in the right hands. Keep the goals. What we’re trying to release is the ideal - the belief that you will only be happy once you reach that external thing.

Because when we’re only acting from external pressure, we’re not shifting anything internally. We’re not finding freedom or happiness where we actually live - inside ourselves.

“Freedom to” is the shift.

Finding internal happiness regardless of circumstance. Not toxic positivity, not “just be happy wherever.” Sometimes we get in our feelings, and that’s allowed - we’re trying to get better at feeling, not to feel better.

Freedom to is: how can I find the internal capacity to make choices I feel confident in - action-based, for my happiness, for what I actually want - instead of what everyone else thinks I should be doing?

I’m curious - pause here for a second.

What does freedom mean to you?

What would it feel like, in your body, in your brain, if you moved through life with this sensation?

Why It Matters: Expansion vs. Constriction

Somatically, this is where expansion vs. constriction comes in. When we shift from “from” to “to,” we shift our thoughts from constriction into expansion.

This will help you stop feeling so tethered to external factors, and opens you up to the possibility that happiness could exist right here, in this moment, instead of on the other side of a goal.

If you’re operating from an ideal - this timeline you set for your life, what it’s “supposed” to look like - you’re going to inherently feel behind.

Not as confident.

Not as validated.

I know this from personal experience. Nobody who’s done this mindset work walks around in expansion 24/7. This is a consistent practice in recognizing when you’ve slipped into constriction, and knowing how to shift back out.

Because we can be cognitively aware for YEARS and never truly embody the shift.

I create doers here. And we are creating capacity for your coolest life.

How to Apply This: 3 Ways to Practice Freedom To

1. Act based on what you want vs. what you need.

Remember the should from earlier? I should go to college. I should buy a house. I should get married. I should have a kid. Ask yourself how many times you’ve done something because you thought you should — for someone else, because society or your parents told you, because it was “cool.”

To be clear - I’m not talking about basic decency. That shit’s non-negotiable; a little kindness goes a long way. I’m talking about the big life choices made on someone else’s timeline. I’ve watched people walk into marriages because they thought that’s just what you do at a certain age. We all make mistakes - but that’s two people not actually choosing their own happiness. And if you’re not choosing yours, no one who interacts with you gets the best version of you, and you will begin to impact theirs.

Next time a decision brings up anxiety, ask yourself: is this what I want, or do I feel the need to do this because of someone else’s opinion?

2. Next time you complain, try to turn it around.

Ask: what is this situation teaching me? This is NOT toxic positivity. I’m not saying slap a smile on and call it gratitude. I’m talking about looking at your life as lessons instead of shortcomings.

Real example: you’re rushing out the door and your bag hooks on the doorframe, everything spills out. You can go one of two ways. “This always happens to me, the universe is against me, I have somewhere to be.” Or did you sit on the couch scrolling for twenty extra minutes instead of getting ready??? And if you’d started five minutes earlier, you’d have walked out instead of run out. Zero backed data here, but I’d guess maybe 10% of what happens to you is genuinely random, and 90% you actually had some hand in.

Where could your preparation have shifted the moment? What decisions brought you to where you are?

3. My delusional suggestion of the day - approach each day with the physical embodiment of the happiest day of your life.

Bear with me. Close your eyes if you can. Think of a day - last month, last year, maybe you have to go back a decade if you’re deep in it right now - where you remember being one of the happiest days of your life.

What did your body feel like? Peace? Openness? Radiating excitement?

For me recently, it was a morning in Ireland overlooking the Cliffs of Moher - coffee in hand, sun out, a yoga class later that day, and everything I needed to handle before the trip was already done. I felt accomplished. At ease and excited.

Now, what if you took that exact physical feeling and brought it into other moments of your life? Even the mundane ones?

It may take a moment to settle into it, but 2 min to find that peace and then execution will shift your life in ways you never thought possible.

Bonus practice I use every day, without fail - I look for small moments of humanity.

A parent watching their kid get on the bus. A dog walking down the street, tail going a mile a minute. Holding a door for someone and watching them light up because so few people go out of their way anymore.

Honestly we should all just approach the day like a dog. When you start embodying this in the small stuff, it’s a cellular shift. Life starts to look like expansion instead of something trying to beat you down.

Shifting from external to internal is something we have to fight for but what if we practiced using our free will there, instead of looking at what we don’t have???

Your freedom is on the other side of making a decision to live.

Lots of love,

Tia

I’m sure you’re not the only one struggling with this.

If freedom to is a concept you understand in your head but can’t access in your body, that’s nervous system work - not a mindset problem you can think your way out of. That’s exactly what we work on together in 1:1 coaching.

If this resonated and you want it on a stage, I speak on this too, reach out about speaking engagements!

TLDR: I get it

Q: Why doesn’t reaching a goal — money, marriage, retirement — make happiness last? A: Hedonic adaptation. Your brain resets its baseline every time you hit a milestone, so the relief fades and you need a new goal to feel it again.

Q: What’s the difference between “freedom from” and “freedom to”? A: “Freedom from” is relief from external pressure. “Freedom to” is the internal capacity to choose your life on purpose, regardless of circumstance.

Q: How do I start practicing “freedom to” day to day? A: Act from want instead of should, turn complaints into “what is this teaching me,” and physically embody how your best day felt — even during mundane tasks.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

Life has brought me up to the mountain tops and down to the pits of hell within two days of each other this week and ya know what, that’s just kind of what happens sometimes.

On Thursday I was quite literally standing on the Cliffs of Moher watching the sunrise with humans I had shared a phenomenal week with. Friday morning I was back in Boston teaching an amazing yoga class and then doing a content shoot for a friend’s brand. Saturday I had a fever, body aches, couldn’t get off the couch or keep my eyes open longer than 20 min at a time.

But we are back baby because this beautifully healthy body told me what I needed, I responded, and now I’m back into the swing of my beautifully full life.

Which brings me to one of our Friday Feel Goods, because I needed the reminder and I figured you could too.

What Is “This Is Happening For Me, Not To Me”?

It’s a reframe — a one-line mental tool you use in the moment something feels hard, unfair, or heavy. Instead of asking “why is this happening to me,” you flip it to “why is this happening for me.” Same event. Completely different nervous system response.

I like to teach you how to grab life by the balls confidently.

I do not like to teach you how to sit back and wallow in self-pity, thinking the world is passing you by and you’re not actively a part of it.

I don’t want you to fall victim to the tricks your brain likes to play on you. And if you feel like you are falling victim, start using this quote daily:

“This is happening for me, not to me.”

I use it every day.

Why It Matters

The way we can deeply, truly shift our nervous system all starts with belief.

We have to believe we are capable of doing so. And even further, we have to believe we deserve to live a life that isn’t chaos-filled and reaction-based.

Now - there’s a difference between busy and chaotic. And sometimes that doesn’t even look like a calendar change, but simply how we show up in it.

Shifting your subconscious belief from “why does this happen to me?” to “the things in my universe are working for me” is going to unlock a dimension of reality and relief you most likely have never experienced before.

It’s beautiful, eye-opening, magically wonderful - when you shift your view of your life without shifting anything else within it.

The neuroscience behind it: this isn’t just a feel-good phrase. Reappraisal — the practice of deliberately reinterpreting a stressful event — has been shown in brain-imaging research to engage the prefrontal cortex in a way that helps regulate amygdala activity, the brain’s threat-detection center based on a meta-analysis of human neuroimaging studies on cognitive reappraisal. In plain terms: how you interpret a hard moment isn’t just a mindset thing, it’s a nervous system thing. Your brain builds new pathways every time you choose the reframe.

How to Apply This

This is one of the first tools I work with on clients, and unsurprisingly, it’s usually still one of the last things I work on with them. Because this takes time.

* Notice the moment. When something feels heavy, that’s your cue — not to spiral, but to pause.

* Say it out loud or in your head: “this is happening for me, not to me.”

* Ask yourself: “what can I learn from this?”

* Choose your response. You have a choice in how you partake - that’s the whole point.

* Repeat. Every time you use it, that reappraisal muscle gets stronger.

I know, I know, I know. If I’m speaking to you and you’re like “Tia I am going through a TIME and I am TIRED of the lessons” - I have been there SO many times.

But how you show up in these lessons is when shifts start to happen. You have to be present and consciously making the decision to respond to these moments.

And eventually the hard stuff starts to roll off your back. Masochistically enough, you start to welcome challenges, because you’ll understand that’s where the breakthrough lies.

So next time something feels heavy, remind yourself: “this is happening for me, not to me.” You have a choice in how you partake. And then ask yourself, “what can I learn from this?”

Looking at your place in the world as wonder rather than resentment is going to shift your day - which turns into weeks, which turns into years - in a way you never thought possible.

Lots of love,

Tia

Is “this is happening for me, not to me” just toxic positivity? No - it’s not about pretending things don’t suck. It’s about choosing what you do with the moment instead of staying stuck in victimhood. The hard feeling is still allowed.

How long does it take for this mindset shift to actually work? Longer than you want it to. This is usually one of the first tools I introduce to clients and one of the last that fully clicks - it’s a practice, not a switch.

What’s the difference between being busy and being chaotic? Busy is a calendar problem. Chaotic is a nervous system problem - it’s about how you’re showing up inside your life, not how full it looks on paper.

Ready to shift how your nervous system responds to hard moments? If this hit home, let’s talk - whether that’s 1:1 coaching or bringing this work to your team or stage. [Book a coaching call] or [Inquire about speaking].

Help spread the world and brighten up someones day!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

If we are constantly still reacting, even if we know all the tools, then we aren’t exactly integrating nor creating a better life. We’ve just become a know-it-all and a preacher instead of an actual doer.

I create doers here. I don’t let life pass me by and I’m not letting you either.

So here’s how to regulate in the moment when something truly just pisses you off, and you no longer want to be an angry person. This came from a Threads question about road rage, let me tell you - as an Italian Bostonian, this one’s personal.

What Is Regulating In the Moment?

Regulating in the moment means catching your nervous system’s reaction while it’s happening… not an hour later when you’re journaling about it, not in therapy next Tuesday. It’s the difference between knowing regulation theory and actually being a regulated person.

We want to lead by example, not by presentation.

Why It Matters

I posted on Threads asking “what do you actually want to know about regulation?” Someone said: “how do I regulate in the moment - like in moments of road rage.”

A long time ago, I realized how insane and toxic it was to be upset all the time over someone else’s actions, actions I truly had no control over. So I have set out on a mission to fix this.

And for those who are thinking “it’s okay to be a little pissy sometimes- take a look at this and maybe you will take this seriously: Harvard-affiliated researchers found that the risk of heart attack was roughly five times higher in the two hours following an outburst of anger. Your rage in traffic isn’t just annoying, it’s a cardiovascular event waiting to happen.

So here’s how you actually learn to regulate, instead of just knowing you should.

1. Recognize the Problem Area

If you’re in a fight with someone, are you letting your emotions control the show? Or are you sticking to the facts? With road rage specifically, could it have possibly been your fault? Or is someone just not paying attention? Did someone say something hurtful? Or are you just having a shitty day and a little thing set you off? WHAT is happening. Ground yourself in the reality of a situation so you can at least find the root cause of the problem.

2. Remember What You Can Control

If someone is driving like a d!ck, you cannot pull them over and say “you’re being rude and endangering the lives of others.” Unless you’re a cop, go off my dude.

What you can control is your own driving and your own response.

When I catch myself thinking longer than 30 seconds about someone else’s actions that technically have zero effect on me, I ask one question:

Do I want to spend my life upset over what other people choose to do? No. I do not.

We have to remember we are the creator of our reality. Free will is pretty sweet if we learn how to harness it.

Anger manifests physically in your body as stress and sickness, and maybe I’m a bit superficial, but I want to be hot and live a long life.

So… I stay away from that stuff. I am not saying it doesn’t happen and there are definitely times where recognizing my anger is beneficial to relationships, but sometimes it’s just not necessary.

This next part is delusional, but it worked: I started making up scenarios to excuse people’s driving. “Wow, they must really have to pee.” Or “I hope his wife makes it to the hospital in time to deliver the baby.”

If all else fails, be ~delusional~.

3. Pause Before Projecting

If a conversation isn’t going your way - and you feel the anger, the hurt, the pettiness building - take a pause. It’s okay if the other person doesn’t like some silence. That’s on their dysregulation to figure out. We are all doing our best here.

Learning to pause before you project is going to save you, and everyone you’re dealing with, a lot of anger and dissatisfaction.

That pause deflates neuroception - a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges as part of Polyvagal Theory. It’s your nervous system’s unconscious ability to constantly scan your internal and external environment for cues of safety, danger, or threat.

When you pause and reflect back to your body that “this is simply a disagreement” you interrupt a body trying to protect you from something that isn’t actually dangerous. Your language becomes a boundary you throw up to deflect what you perceive as a threat. But a disagreement isn’t going to kill you. It might insult you, it might hurt, but you are not actually in danger and therefore do not need to escalate it with a reactionary statement.

Now, I am human, you are human - if you are not human and somehow listening to this, hit me up because that would lead me on a completely different career path - so sometimes you do say inflammatory comments. It happens. We go back to step number 1 here, recognize the problem area. Was it necessary to say that? Did it come from facts or emotions?

Your Body Is a Science Experiment

Every time you catch yourself mid-reaction and choose the pause instead, you are rewiring pathways that will allow you to choose peace over chaos. That’s you learning what your specific nervous system needs. It’s not one size fits all, and it won’t click the first try. That’s fine. Keep experimenting and TRYING.

If you’re tired of knowing all the tools and still reacting the same way, that’s exactly what we build in 1:1 coaching - the actual muscle of in-the-moment regulation, not just the theory. [Book a totally free coaching call] or [inquire about having me speak on nervous system regulation] for your team or event.

Lots of love,

Tia

Email me at: [email protected]

FAQ

How do I stop road rage in the moment? Recognize whether you’re reacting to facts or emotion, remind yourself their driving isn’t yours to control, and pause before you respond — even for 10 seconds.

What is neuroception and why does it matter for regulation? Neuroception is your nervous system’s automatic scan for safety or danger, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges. Understanding it helps you recognize when your body is overreacting to something that isn’t a real threat.

Can you actually learn to regulate in the moment, or does it take years? You can start practicing immediately — it’s a skill, not a personality trait. It gets easier with repetition, not perfection.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I’m trying something a little different with this one, shorter, quicker, more of a “here’s a tool I actually use” than a full teardown. So let’s get into it: a concept I call black coffee.

I didn’t invent this. I wish I could take credit, but somewhere along the way, I picked it up, and it’s stuck with me. If you’re the original source, come find me. I’ll shout you out to my micro (but growing!) audience.

Here’s the concept, and here’s why it matters more than it sounds like it should.

What Is the Black Coffee Method?

The Black Coffee Method is a language check for catching yourself mid-spiral, when you’re describing your life - or your future - only in terms of what you don’t want.

Picture it: you walk into a coffee shop and tell the barista, “I don’t want black coffee.” Cool. Now what? The barista doesn’t know what to make you. There are thousands of drinks that aren’t black coffee. Telling them what you’re rejecting gives them nothing to work with.

That’s what it sounds like when you say “I don’t want to be miserable anymore” or “I don’t want to be doing this job in 10 years.”

True, probably. Also useless as direction. You’ve told the universe - or your own nervous system, or whoever’s taking the order - everything you’re avoiding and nothing you’re aiming for.

My Story: The Decade I Spent Ordering Black Coffee

I spent a good chunk of my 20s in a genuinely dark place. Looking back, I think the only reason I didn’t spiral further down than I did was dance. I had to move my body every single day, no negotiating. It gave my nervous system somewhere to go that wasn’t just round and round in my own head.

Since then I’ve spent a lot of time studying the subconscious mind, the nervous system, and how much power our language actually has.

Power I think we’ve collectively lost touch with, because we’re more focused on saying things that get attention rather than saying things that are true.

That’s where black coffee came from. My husband and I built it as a code word for each other. If I catch myself saying “I don’t want to go back to my full-time job,” or “I don’t want to still be here in 10 years” one of us will just say it: black coffee.

That’s it. That’s the whole intervention. It breaks the pattern. We recognize we are focusing on the path of resistance, rather than the path that will help us move forward.

And it works, because it forces the follow-up question: okay, so what do I want instead?

The Research Behind “Approach” vs. “Avoidance” Goals

This isn’t just a cute metaphor, it maps onto real, well-documented psychology. Researchers distinguish between approach goals (moving toward something you want) and avoidance goals (moving away from something you don’t want). Multiple studies in motivation psychology have found that avoidance-framed goals are consistently linked to lower wellbeing, more anxiety, and worse follow-through than approach-framed goals because “away from” doesn’t give your brain a clear target to organize behavior around.

In plain language: when your internal (or spoken) script is all “I don’t want this,” you’re not giving yourself, or your nervous system, a destination. You’re just narrating the exit with no map to anywhere else.

Essentially you are free falling into the void.

Key insight to keep with you: Naming what you don’t want is a valid, important first step. It becomes a problem when it’s the only step.

How to Apply This: 3 Steps to Break the “I Don’t Want” Loop

* Catch the phrase. Notice when “I don’t want...” shows up in your own head or out loud. You don’t have to judge it, just notice it.

* Say your black coffee. Literally, or your version of it. Name it out loud to yourself or to someone close to you: “I’m doing the thing again.”

* Ask the follow-up question immediately. “Okay… so what do I actually want instead?” You don’t need the full answer right away. Even a rough, half-formed direction is more useful to your nervous system than another lap around what you’re avoiding. It could be the exact inverse of the sentence. But take the don’t and turn it into a do.

This isn’t about toxic positivity or banning the word “don’t.” It’s about noticing when avoidance language has become the entire conversation, and giving yourself somewhere else to go.

Naming what you don’t want is easy.

Building the language, and the nervous system capacity, to name what you do want, and actually move toward it, is the harder, slower work. That’s the work I do with clients 1:1 and in retreats. If you’re ready to stop ordering black coffee and figure out your actual order, let’s connect!

Lots of love,

Tia

Let’s be besties and support each other.

FAQ

Is the Black Coffee Method a form of manifestation? It overlaps with manifestation language, but you don’t need to believe in “the universe” for it to work. It’s grounded in real approach-vs-avoidance goal research, the mechanism is your own brain and behavior, not a cosmic order form.

What if I genuinely don’t know what I want yet? That’s normal, and you don’t need a fully formed answer. Start smaller: “I don’t know exactly what I want, but I want to feel less trapped” is still an approach statement — it points somewhere, even if it’s vague.

How is this different from just “thinking positive”? Toxic positivity tells you to ignore what’s wrong. This method doesn’t ask you to stop noticing what you don’t want — it just asks you not to stop there.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com

I put out a post on Threads asking what people actually want when it comes to nervous system regulation. Because I could talk shit all day long here, but if it doesn’t HELP you, it doesn’t matter.

One woman wrote back: “Understanding emotions as a language. What they’re trying to communicate, how to respond in a way that promotes regulation rather than fueling the spiral.”

I love this because who here has been in an argument and had zero idea what the person in front of you was trying to say?

Then they get frustrated.

You get frustrated that they’re frustrated.

Now you’re both pissed off because no one’s speaking the same language anymore and the day ends in an argument no one signed up for.

This isn’t uncommon but it is one of the most important practices we can master, as long as we give ourselves patience and practice it with others.

What happens here is someone gets emotionally flooded mid-conversation, their nervous system has essentially “hijacked” their rational brain.

Recognizing this, and staying regulated yourself, is the difference between a fight and a resolution - but how do we understand what is happening to the person in front of us in real time?

What Is Neurological Hijacking?

When the person in front of you is heated, two things help:

* You understand what’s happening in their nervous system.

* You don’t match their escalation.

Here’s what’s happening in their brain. When emotions take the wheel instead of logic, that’s neurological hijacking. Very scientific here.

I love a good action movie, so entertain me with this analogy.

Picture your brain as the opening scene.

The prefrontal cortex is the skilled driver of an submarine. Inside the submarine is your judgment, your logic, and your ability to think clearly under pressure.

Then, out of nowhere, hijackers ambush the submarine.

The leader is the amygdala.

The leader (amygdala) doesn’t ask, “Is this actually dangerous?” It sees a threat and takes the wheel, shoving the driver aside.

The mission has changed. The sonar which holds your long-term goals, environmental understanding, gets completely ignored and your rational thinking is abandoned.

The only objective now is survival with no experience behind the wheel. We are grasping.

The amygdala puts everything into emergency mode:

* Engine revs higher (heart rate spikes)

* Fuel diverts to the engine (blood rushes to your muscles)

* Comms shut down (digestion, creativity, complex thought go offline)

* Every alarm starts blaring

Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, your trained strategist, hasn’t disappeared. It’s just zip-tied in the back seat.

That’s neurological hijacking.

Here’s the thing: the hijackers aren’t evil. In the movie, they think what they are doing is for the GREATER GOOD. They’re trying to keep you alive with the information they have. The problem is they’re running an outdated playbook.

To the amygdala, a tense conversation can look a lot like life-threatening danger. Now how do we essentially armor our submarine with better support?

Why This Matters

Nervous system regulation. Every slow breath, every grounding exercise, every reminder that you’re safe loosens the restraints on the prefrontal cortex. The alarms quiet. The strategist climbs back into the driver’s seat. The mission gets back on course.

The goal isn’t to eliminate the work of the amygdala. We need it to keep us alive. It’s our alert system. The goal is making sure it doesn’t hijack our processing center every time someone or something upsets us.

This isn’t just relationship advice, it’s biology that affects us in every aspect of our lives.

Research has found an inverse relationship between amygdala and prefrontal cortex activity: the more activated your amygdala gets, the less activated your prefrontal cortex becomes. When emotions run high, blood and oxygen shift away from the part of your brain responsible for clear thinking.

You’re not imagining it when a conversation suddenly feels impossible. Your partner’s brain, or yours, is running on fumes simply grasping for whatever will keep you afloat, rather than what is the best way to move forward.

How to Talk to Someone Who’s Dysregulated

Best advice I’ve ever gotten: treat these interactions like you’re talking to a two-year-old. Or maybe you are??? Assume the person in front of you doesn’t know what they’re saying, and neither do you.

This happened to me last night with my husband. We went for a couples massage 🤤 and right after, he started telling about something that came up for him while he was on the table.

He specifically used the word “entangled” in regards to larger concepts and I was NOT following. He was getting pretty frustrated with my response and I genuinely had to check myself so… I went back to the toddler concept.

When a toddler doesn’t have the words for what they’re feeling and get frustrated, the shutdown on their end may look like:

* A temper tantrum

* Isolation

* Anger

* Defeated tears

Adults do this too. We just forgot that we are working with the same system as a toddler, and although we would hope a little more knowledge, that’s not always the case.

So how do you talk to someone who’s dysregulated?

First: sometimes you have to be the regulated one. Full stop.

We live in a selfish culture and if someone doesn’t naturally slot into our lives, we cancel them. But sometimes people just need guidance and a little love. So even when you want to be the toddler who shuts down, you have to be the one who guides the conversation toward regulating BOTH of you.

All of these will take deep levels of self-awareness, which if you stick around here - you’ll be a pro.

Steps to Listen to Emotions as a Language

* Listen without judgment. When my husband first told me what he was experiencing, I was tired and thought “what the hell is he talking about?” Then I caught myself judging him through my own somatic lens, which is nothing like his and took a step back.

* Notice your physical reaction. If you flinch or tense up or pull a face, remind yourself: they’re allowed to feel things too. Even if we don’t like it.

If understanding how you physically manifest dissatisfaction is new to you:

* Say you’re processing. You don’t owe an instant response, but you do owe them a form of communication. I get SO aggravated when my husband goes quiet, which used to send us down a dark path because I’d assume he was ignoring me. Now we use a filler phrase: “I don’t have an answer to that right now.” That’s it. It helps me understand he is listening, and it helps him process. Not everything has to be immediate, it’s okay to take time.

* Ask clarifying questions the second things start sounding foreign. It helps you understand what they are trying to get at and it helps them sharpen what they’re actually trying to say. Open ended clarifying questions (why, how, where, when) invite more opportunity for explanation. Closed questions get a yes or no to solidify.

* Detach from the outcome. You can’t predict anyone’s emotions, no matter how well you know them. Stay present and care enough to reach a resolution, but stop trying to steer toward the outcome you want.

When someone’s deeply dysregulated, they might get annoyed by all the over-communicating. Stay gentle. Stay open. They’ll come around.

The goal: help them find the root, then work on choosing a path forward.

If this pattern shows up in your relationships, or you want to go deeper on nervous system regulation, that’s the work I do 1:1. [Book a coaching session], or reach out about having me speak on this at your next event.

Lots of love,

Tia

Email me at: [email protected]

FAQ

What is neurological hijacking? It’s when the amygdala, your brain’s threat detector, overrides the prefrontal cortex, your logic and judgment center, causing emotional reactions instead of rational ones.

How do I stay regulated when someone else is dysregulated? Listen without judgment, notice your own physical reactions, ask clarifying questions, and detach from controlling the outcome. Your regulation helps co-regulate them.

Why do I shut down or get angry during arguments? Your nervous system perceives a threat, even an emotional one, and triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It’s not a character flaw. It’s biology, and it’s workable.

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