The Relationship Maze

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In this episode we explore what happens to you when you are feeling stressed, how stress impacts on your life and what needs to be done to managing stress. When we are stressed our sympathetic autonomic nervous system gets activated. We go into fight or flight responses. Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges, has expanded the understanding of the nervous system offering useful insights into the processing of situations that we experience as stressful. In addition to fight and flight responses Polyvagal Theory identifies a third type of nervous system response that Stephen Porges calls the social engagement system. This is the part that is relevant in particular to our capacity get on well with other people.Stress or burnout are not medical terms- they describe a series of emotional and bodily experiences. We talk about positive (eustress) and negative (stress); stress that mobilises and motivates us and stress that is chronic and causes all sorts of questions in the long run.Stress is a cluster of responses to feeling threatened. Understanding our autonomic nervous systems helps us in understanding what happens when we are feeling threatened. Polyvagal Theory talks about what happens in our nervous system when we are in a situation that we experience as threatening. The focus is on the vagus nerve - the largest cranial nerve that connects the brain stem with our gut. We discuss the three different states we can get into and how we process stress. Chronic stress affects relationships. When we feel safe and in a good state of mind generally we are able to connect with other people; we can be empathic and ascribe good intentions to other people. When we are not feeling safe but either mobilising for fight or flight we are in an anxious, hyperactive frenzied state that takes up all of our energy. The third state we can be in is further down the ladder when we are getting into shutdown - we are playing dead. In this state we may feel hopeless, ashamed, stuck or immobilised. Frequently this state is described as 'burn out'.Chronic stress often gets unnoticed - we may not even realise that we are constantly in a state of hyperactivity and mobilisation as we have become so used to it. The result are often a series of physical or emotional responses of dis stress. Chronic stress needs to be recognised first and then regulated. Once it can be managed, for example through breathing exercises that tell your autonomous nervous system that you are safe, we can look at the underlying causes of stress. Reflection on the reasons for chronic stress can only help to regulate stress once we dealt with our bodies first.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
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Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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We all feel angry at times, frequently because we feel an injustice has been done or another person is being hurtful to us. Anger itself is a completely normal human emotion. As a fleeting feeling it is relatively harmless and unproblematic. However, if anger starts to control your life and affect relationships with others it might be good to examine what the underlying causes are and how to manage your anger better. Anger has been a necessary feeling that helped our survival. In its biological function anger is a response to a perceived threat. The instinctive way to express anger is through aggression. This would allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when under attack. Physically the body responds by showing an increased heart rate and blood pressure.In this episode we discus what to do if your anger remains unrestrained, very intense and frequent. We talk about anger as serving useful function in terms of propelling you to take action and stand up for values that are important to you.Anger can be expressed outwardly through shouting for example or it can go inward. When anger does not find expression and goes inward it can create a range of problems - it can turn into depression or self harm. Often anger is simply the tip of the iceberg and there are many underlying emotions beneath it, for example sadness, loneliness or shame. Many people struggle to express their feelings - the resultAnger that cannot be safely expressed is often coming out in a passive aggressive comments where the frustration is not quite openly voiced but the person is under attack.How was anger managed in your family when you were growing up? In relationships there are often difficulties if one partner is used to expressing anger while the other learned to suppress it.In addition to the underlying causes of anger, we talk about strategies to manage it better, specifically in your relationships with others. We also discuss how to respond to your partner's anger in a helpful way.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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In this episode we talk about self-esteem and building more confidence in yourself. The terms self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably but are slightly different. Low self-esteem manifest as having a generally negative opinion of yourself , talking negatively to yourself and judging or evaluating yourself negatively. Overall you struggle to see yourself in a positive light. We discuss how self-esteem manifests and impacts on a person who struggles with having a healthy self image. Generally speaking, if you have low self-esteem you tend to have a very strong inner critic, telling yourself that you are not doing well, not likeable or not doing as well as other people. The impact can be mild to quite devastating. It can lead to withdrawal, isolation, depression and anxiety or to excessive drug and alcohol use.We discuss the causes of low self-esteem, for example negative messaging in your family home, bullying at school or experiencing an abusive relationship as an adult. There are often a number of factors that contribute to developing low self-esteem.We briefly discuss ways of addressing low self-esteem, developing more compassion for yourself and having a healthier belief in yourself.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Trouble with falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night affects most of us at some point in our life. We talk about insomnia if you regularly have problems sleeping. In today's podcast we talk about the importance of sleep and how problems with sleeping impact on your life. For example chronic sleep problems can lead to weight gain, memory performance decrease, depression or anxiety. Sleep problems are caused by a number of different factors such as stress, excessive worry, bad habits, environmental factors or shift work.Want to sleep better and more regularly? Find out more about what you can do to develop healthy sleep patterns and to improve your sleep if you struggle with insomnia.We talk you through sleep hygiene and developing more sleep efficiency, that is improving the percentage of time asleep in bed. Ideally you would want to spend roughly 85% of your time in bed asleep rather than awake. Following the guidance on behaviour around sleep can really make a big difference. Are you aware for example that what you eat or drink can have a big impact on the quality of your sleep? There are drinks and food that can contribute to you sleeping better, and drinks that do the opposite.We also address some of the common myths about sleep such as needing eight hours of sleep at night.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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'Know Thyself', this ancient saying encourages us to go in search of a deeper level of self-understanding - In today's episode we explore why knowing yourself matters in the context of relationships. Couples are often surprised that their partner 'changed' over time. One or two years down the line you may think that your partner is not the person you thought they would be. You may notice that they are not as patient, cuddly, understanding or present as you want them to be. The ideal partner from the honeymoon days seems to have disappeared. The disappointment with the partner frequently results in a mutual blame game. What many couples fail to acknowledge is their own perspective and their own expectations. It helps to know your own starting point. What are your thoughts about relationships? What do you expect from your partner? And how do you respond to disappointments?Your ideas about relationships have been formed over a long period of time, starting in your childhood. You would have learned how relationships work (or don't work) and you would have developed all sorts of ideas about other people and the world in general. There would have been some disappointments along the way and an unconscious desire to find the one person who can make everything alright for you. For example, if you struggle with low confidence you may wish for a partner who reassures you and makes you feel good about yourself. If you partner struggles to do this all the time, you may feel disappointed and over a long period of time you may get very frustrated.We often choose our partners (unconsciously) to heal old wounds from the past. We have expectations of our partner that may be realistic or may be completely impossible to meet. Bringing our wishes and expectations into our awareness can help us to articulate what it is that we need and enables us to review our expectations. Can your partner really over everything to you? Are there some expectations that may need reviewing?So, ask yourself, what you want and need from a relationship? How would you know that you are in the relationship that you need?

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we explore the connection between thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour.Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) has been useful at helping us identify how our interpretations of a particular event, rather than the event itself, determines how we feel about it. It is our reaction to situations that make them problematic, not the situation itself. Most of the time something happens to us and we assume that the thing that happens to us makes us feel sad, upset, angry etc. What we often fail to pay attention to is that we have an underlying belief or belief system that assesses a situation and comes up with an interpretation. These interpretations frequently don't serve us well. This is true in relationships where our partners says or does something that we interpret as disrespectful, annoying or hurtful. Subsequently we may fight back or sulk and lick our wounds. It is also true in dating scenarios where you may chose to interpret another person's lack of response as a lack of interest. Understanding our underlying beliefs gives us more control over the outcome of a situation that we find frustrating. We have a choice in being offended for example. Thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviours are in constant interaction with each other. For example, I might think that nobody likes me. I then feel sad or angry. I notice a sinking feeling in my stomach. As a result, I may decide to stay at home in order to avoid feeling bad about myself. This is in turn will generate thoughts that I am not worthy of liking and so on and so forth. In a CBT model the idea is to break this cycle. You can start for example to change the behaviour by going out more often. This might make you feel a bit better about yourself and can positively influence thoughts and feelings.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we explore your inner strengths that get you through difficult times in life. Are you aware of the strategies that you employ to manage challenges? Most of the time you go through life managing obstacles without even thinking about it. Bringing these strategies into your awareness will enable you to creatively employ them in situations which are more demanding and stretching for you. These situations may include challenges at work, in your relationship or in other areas of your life. Developing more resilience will also enable you to cope better with your partner's distress or frustrations. In this podcast we discuss Padesky and Mooney's Four Step Strengths-Based cognitive behavioural model. The focus is on helping you discover the positive qualities you already have and to consciously apply your strengths in all areas of difficulty in your life.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we're talking about depression. According to Word Health Organisation, depression is the most common illness worldwide: in 2017 264 million people were affected. In the UK 10% of the population will have had an experience of depression in their life time.Depression is characterised by persistent low mood, lack of motivation and a loss of interest in activities that are usually experienced as pleasurable. Depressive symptoms vary in their intensity depending on the severity of the depressive episode. Symptoms may include a lack of appetite, insomnia, morbid thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, restlessness, decreased energy, feelings of guilt or lack of concentration. We are talking about clinical depression if more than one of these symptoms are ticked and a person's life is impacted to such an extent that it interferes with their daily life.In the field of therapy there are different ways of thinking of depression and how best to work with it. Psychodynamic approaches focus more on understanding and addressing the underlying causes of depression due to adverse life experience whereas cognitive behavioural approaches are mainly concerned with addressing faulty thinking and behavioural changes necessary to bring about change. Humanistic approaches are mainly concerned with offering emotional support and looking at the obstacles that get in the way for lifting the depression.In this episode we discuss the different approaches to depression. Depending on how you think about depression - as a cause or as a symptom of more complex underlying difficulties - will depend what therapeutic approach may suit you best. If you are unsure you may want to consider a more integrative approach which would consider root causes of the depressive symptoms as well as look at cognitive and behavioural changes.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we talk about moments when you get annoyed or irritated with your partner. You may get irritated by a number of small behaviours that can over time build up to a more serious frustration with your partner. These irritations tend to arise at a later stage in the relationship, once the honeymoon is over.We talk about bringing these behaviours to your partner's attention in a way that feels ok for both of you and that can lead to behavioural change.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

You might be familiar with ghosting, but how about Kondo-ing?There's a bizarre world of terms used in dating now including dog-fish & being zombied! Today we're exploring some of these terms in a fun and lively episode.We're also looking a little deeper and exploring what drives people who are 'guilty' of these behaviours and how to cope if you are the innocent victim.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.