The Relationship Maze

Send us Fan Mail

How self aware are you? Do you know what makes you tick? Self awareness is key to building successful relationships: it helps you to distinguish between yourself and others, to understand why you might have certain perspectives and beliefs and most importantly it is the springboard to making changes in your life if necessary.In today's episodes we explore why knowing yourself is so important and how you might go about getting yourself a little better. We offer some suggestions that can get you started on your journey to self awareness and self knowledge.

The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates famously stated that the unexamined life is not worth living.  Socrates was referring to the idea of living a life where you are ruled by others, have no questions about your life and its purpose and where you don't know who you are.  Not knowing yourself means that you are more likely to repeat the same old behaviours again and again - even if they don't necessarily serve you well. In a life examined you search for reasons, know who you are and what you want. And you work at improving yourself and your choices in life.

In this podcast we are referring to the kind of self knowledge that allows you to gain more insight into your internal life, for example into your beliefs, your values or your needs and wants. You are likely to chose a partner based on your particular ideas of the other person. You follow (often unhelpful) relationship templates that were acquired over a long period of time. Some of your ways of thinking and behaving in relationships you may be aware of, others may take much longer to uncover. Knowing yourself is, of course, a complex and ongoing process and there is always an element of unchartered territory when it comes to your unconscious motivations.

Not knowing yourself very well may at times lead to the puzzling question of why you encounter a problem again and again. For example, you may avoid conflict at all costs. Enquiring into the underlying causes of this avoidance may not resolve the issue immediately but will make a good starting point for gaining more understanding and trying out new ways of dealing with people that will make you feel less frustrated in the long run.

You can only really get to know the other person in front of you if you have an understanding of yourself first.  Once you can gain an understanding of  how you map the world, and how your partner maps the world you can work on creating a joint map of the world with some overlapping territory.

Getting to know yourself allows you to identify your ways of thinking, feeling and behaving and to assess whether some of these ways may need to be modified.

The good news is that our brains are rather flexible. We can always learn something new and establish new neural pathways. The snowy mountain metaphor by Harvard Neurology Professor Alvaro Pascual-Leone demonstrates why our habits are so hard to change but that they can change after all.

Getting to know yourself is an ongoing process and may require some help, either from a trusted friend or a professional like a therapist. We make some suggestions for your looking and listening inside yourself. Some are activities you can do on your own; others involve the help of a friend.

In our online Relationship Maze course we explore all of the topics that we touch on in this podcast in much more detail. You will have an opportunity to truly get to know yourself and to practice behavioural changes if necessary.
https://therelationshipmaze.com.

We are constantly adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.

• FREE 10 day Relationship Challenge
• Attachment Style quiz
• Articles on relationships
• Our comprehensive

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Are you aware of the way that you give and receive love? Are you confident in your way of loving? And do you notice your emotions, thoughts and behaviours when loving someone else?In today's episode we consider where our notions of love come from. We all tell ourselves stories about love which inform our expectations, hopes and desires. These stories are told by our parents, friends, teachers, writers, singers or actors in romantic films. We have lofty ideas and ideals about romantic love. Often there is a big gap between our ideals and our reality. Coming to terms with the reality of how we are being loved can be painful.The way that we love is influenced by our experiences - we learn templates of how to go about loving someone else and being loved. Our attachment style informs our love template: if we have an insecure attachment style we often struggle to form trusting relationships.The way that we love changes in the course of a relationship as projections give way to seeing the real person in front of us. And the way that we learned to love is changeable. We can choose to think and behave differently if our way of loving does not serve us well.

There is no one single definition of what love is. There have been many different attempts to define love, for example from an evolutionary, cultural, sociological or spiritual perspective. For the purposes of our discussion today we consider love to be 

• a set of feelings and emotions
• a number of physiological reactions in the body
• a number of cognitive processes
• a set of behaviours

We learn about love through a number of experiences and narratives. We witness expressions of love (or lack thereof) when growing up, either through being at the receiving end of love or through watching those closest to us interact in a loving way. Ideas about love also come about through stories that we hear - mostly through fairy tales or myths that introduce us to ways of finding ever lasting love. We watch romantic films or listen to songs that tell us what love should look or feel like.

There are many different forms of love - romantic love is just one form of love. (see also our podcast on the ancient Greeks definition of love: What the Greeks can teach us about relationships - seven types of love)

We have ideals about an experience of love that we strive for. Love should be all encompassing, passionate or should make us happy. We have an idea about how we give love or want to receive it. Often our experience of receiving love may not match our ideal. We may have to reflect on our expectations of love and whether there is room for some adjustments.

The way that we love is determined by our attachment style. Those with an insecure attachment style, either anxious-preoccupied or avoidant-dismissive, will be very cautious in the way that they love. The underlying assumption is that the other person may not be entirely trustworthy or that we are not loveable. (see podcast episode no 2: How learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship).

Love in a relationship changes over time. In the early stages of our relationships we are more likely to love an idea of our partner - we see and hear what we want to see rather than the real person in front of us. Our projections of desires and wishes cloud our judgement and determine the way that we love our partner.

The hopeful message to take away from this podcast is that you learn to love that the way that you do. If it serves you well: great, continuing loving the way that you do. However, if you experience significant difficulties in the way that you go about loving others, you can reconsider your behaviour, emotional responses and thoughts and develop different ways of loving that bring you more fulfilment.

In our online Relationship Maze course we explore all of the topics that we touch on in this podcast in muc

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Do you ever wonder why you behave the way you do in different situations? Do you get into stuck patterns - repeating the same behaviour even if it doesn't serve you well?Whether we realise it or not, we are all influenced by our past experiences. Our early memories influence how we show up, how we interact with other people and what triggers the way we react.Exploring these childhood stories that underpin our behaviour can help us develop greater understanding about ourselves. Regaining command of these stories can be a major act of transformation.In this episode I'm talking with Dr Sarah Hill, Managing Partner at Dialogix and author of 'Where Did You Learn To Behave Like That? A Coaching Guide For Working With Leaders'. Sarah explores how behavioural changes can be made and how you expand your repertoire and range of behaviour.

Dr. Sarah Hill, PhD is Co-owner of Dialogix and is based in the UK. Her early career in a range of different sectors formed the basis for the work she does today as a Dialogue Facilitator and Behavioural Dynamics Interventionist. The focus of this work is on tackling some of the toughest and most demanding behavioural challenges. She has also led the design and development of training in this field that is accredited by the International Coaching Federation. Through her experience as a supervisor of coaches and practitioners she has been described as the “consultant’s consultant“.

Sarah is Author of ‘Where Did You Learn To Behave Like That? A Coaching Guide for Working With Leaders’  and ‘Dare to….’, which is a companion journal to the book. Working globally, she is an internationally recognised expert in childhood story work with leaders providing a way for them to do deeper work on the Self. She is also co-Author of ‘The Tao of Dialogue’, which was published in 2019, has taught at the Said Business School, Henley Business School, Harvard Business School and Hult-Ashridge.

In this podcast episode Sarah discusses various ways in which we behave in particular situations, e.g. someone who is not at the centre of group discussions, watching from the outside but not participating - a bystander. You can become a stuck bystander and become silent. A deeper exploration looks at  where this behaviour comes from. What's the story behind this behaviour? For example where you told only to speak when spoken to? What is your internal narrative and is this still serving you well now?

A lot of old stories are quite harsh- you might be telling yourself for example that you should never challenge other people even if they do you harm.

We can rewrite our internal narrative(s) and we can live a new narrative, for example we can change the old narrative of 'I am not good enough' to 'I have value, I am good at this'.

Love is a theme in Sarah's work. Allowing your Self to be loved is vital.

Find out more about Sarah and her work at www.dialogix.co.uk

We are constantly adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.

• FREE 10 day Relationship Challenge
• Attachment Style quiz
• Articles on relationships
• Our comprehensive Relationship Course for
  • new or established couples
  • couples in conflict
  • couples preparing for marriage
  • couples who want to strengthen their relationship
  • singles who want to prepare for a long lasting relationship and find the right partner

Also, get additional show notes on our podcast website here

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we discuss the underlying reasons for getting into arguments, how you may experience the argument, your conflict style and what can be done to argue more effectively with your partner or others.What do you you consider to be an argument? Is is when someone shout at you or do you think you are in conflict if the other person has a different opinion? The way we view and interact in arguments is down to our previous learning about conflict, either in our family of origin, with friends or at school. We learn how to argue and how not to argue. Sometimes our strategies serve us well, often there are better ways of going about resolving differences.In this episode we talk about factors that contribute to one or the other partner initiating an argument and your different conflict styles. For example did you learn to appease others or to strike first pre-emptively?There are useful rules to bear in mind when wanting to resolve your differences in a way that makes both of you feel heard and understood.

In this episode we discuss the underlying reasons for getting into arguments, how you may experience the argument, your conflict style and what can be done to argue more effectively with your partner or others.

What do you you consider to be an argument? Is is when someone shout at you or do you think you are in conflict if the other person has a different opinion? The way we view and interact in arguments is down to our previous learning about conflict, either in our family of origin, with friends or at school. We learn how to argue and how not to argue. Sometimes our strategies serve us well, often there are better ways of going about resolving differences.

In this episode we talk about factors that contribute to one or the other partner initiating an argument and your different conflict styles. For example did you learn to appease others or to strike first pre-emptively?

There are useful rules to bear in mind when wanting to resolve your differences in a way that makes both of you feel heard and understood.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Do you or your partner often worry about lots of things to the extent that it significantly impacts your life? Does anxiety affect your relationships? In today's episode we talk about generalised anxiety: what it is, how it manifests, what might have caused it, how different therapeutic approaches think of and address anxiety and what might be done about it.We briefly consider the impact of anxiety on your relationship system and we end the session with a breathing and visualisation exercise that you can practice to bring your anxiety down.

We all feel anxious some of the time. Anxiety is our inbuilt warning system that helps us to look out for danger and to keep as safe.

Often the threat is a perceived one rather than a real threat. We talk about anxiety in the clinical sense if the anxiety is long, enduring and significantly impacts on a person's life.

Anxiety can take many forms and can focus on a specific area of concern for example in the case of of (social) phobia or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Panic disorders are a condition where anxiety manifests in a sudden and unexpected panic attack followed by a month or more of persistent concern about another attack.

While there are many different forms and manifestations of anxiety, the clinical definition of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) stipulates that a person has excessive and persistent worry about a number of different events and difficulty in controlling these worries. Events are often over evaluated in relation to their likely impact and the intensity of worry is out of proportion compared to the likely impact of the feared event.

Because our body tricks us into thinking that we are under threat, it starts to mobilise for running away. Therefore physical symptoms of anxiety may include the following:

• heart palpitations
• dizziness or light-headedness
• faster breathing
• sweating or hot flushes
• churning in your stomach and/or a need to go to the toilet  (emptying our bladder or stomach helps us run faster!)
• feeling restless and unable to sit still
• pins and needles

Anxiety is not just felt in the body is is also is accompanied by thoughts that impact on your mind and your mood:

• thinking that the worst is going to happen to you
• feeling that the world is speeding up or slowing down
• having a sense of dread
• thinking that other people will notice your anxiety
• thinking that you cannot relax
• worrying about the anxiety itself, 'I know, I am going to be anxious' - the fear or the fear
• feeling low and depressed
• only being able to think about bad things and situations
• not being able to stop thinking about all aspects of what can do wrong

Different therapeutic approaches will work differently with anxiety.

• In psychodynamic approaches the focus will be on looking at the root causes of anxiety. Where and why does it originate? Were there earlier relationships that cause the client to feel less safe in the world?
• In Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) the focus is on understanding the link between thoughts, feelings and behaviours and learning to modify safety seeking thoughts and behaviours.
• In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) the emphasis is on learning to accept and tolerate difficult sensations, feelings and thoughts.
• In Existential Therapy you can explore anxiety within the context of more universal themes and their personal meaning for you, for example how your fear of dying may play out in your daily life without you realising.
• In Person-Centred Therapy the focus is on supporting you in your struggles through being by your side. 

There are different techniques of working with anxiety. Many approaches would encourage

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode we consider how you know whether you are dating the right kind of partner for you. Dating can be a very challenging. You might have dated for quite some time already, met a number of people or are still waiting for the 'the one'. We consider how you might want to go about dating and what signs to look out for that tell you that you have met someone who you can potentially build a relationship with. We ask you to consider your current strategies and whether you regard them as successful. If they are not successful, what do you think needs changing in your approach?

Choosing the right partner can be challenging. Are you always aware of the kind of qualities that you are looking for in a partner? Love and care are expressed in many different way; it's helpful to know what qualities you need in a partner that make you feel looked after and loved.

Many people hold the strong belief, fed by Hollywood romances, that there is one right person out there for them. If they meet this person, they will be happy. The challenge with this concept is that it turns dating into a needle of haystack kind of experience. You will need to endlessly sift through hundreds of people until you meet the person destined for you. The truth is that there are many people who are right for you. It helps to be open to the possibility that the person in front of you may be the right person. You will need to decide to frame your encounters as such and you will need to work at creating the relationship that you want. You can grow to become each other's soulmates. You choose who you want to be 'the one'.

There does need to be some form of attraction, however, it helps not to make the idea of immediate fireworks your main criterion. Get to know the other person first to get some sense of who you have in front of you. This may ignite a spark at a later stage too.

In the world of online dating you have endless choices which may get too overwhelming. Focus on dating 5-7 people and get to know them better. Getting too fixated on just one person limits your options; conversely, endlessly dating, always looking for a better option, stops opportunities in their tracks.

Understanding relationships starts with you. Consider what you actually need from a relationship and whether the person you are dating is meeting these needs. Are they making you feel good about yourself? If the answer is 'no' and you feel insecure and unsure in the presence of this person than consider whether they are actually right for you. Ultimately you want to be in a relationship where you are respected, listened to, cared for and where you are having fun too.

Knowing your attachment style is hugely helpful to understand your responses to other people. Do you need lots of reassurance? Do you always worry that the other person may not be interest in you? Do you idealise other people? It helps of course to know what kind of attachment style your dating partner has. Can you both create a secure relationship? If your dating partner is highly avoidant your relationship may never really take off. The dating scene is full of avoidant-dismissive people who struggle with commitment. To learn more about attachment styles you may want to listen to our podcast from 6 December 2020, How learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship.

Consider what values are important to you and check whether your date shares these values. Values are more important in the long run than having the same taste in music or in movies.

We are constantly adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.

• FREE 10

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner's preferred way of receiving your love?Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title: words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time and acts of service.All of these 'languages' are means of expressing our love. You and your partner may not speak the same language and therefore may miscommunicate. What you experience as an act of love may not be in the same way by your partner.

How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner's preferred way of receiving your love?

Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title: 
words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time  and acts of service.

All of these 'languages' are means of expressing our love. You and your partner may not speak the same language and therefore may miscommunicate. What you experience as an act of love may not be in the same way by your partner.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode we discuss the some of the underlying relationship dynamics that contribute to making it very difficult for an abused partner to leave the relationship. The reasons for someone to stay in an abusive relationship are complex and manifold. In this episode we explore how an understanding of attachment theory can help to understand why an abused partner struggles to leave their abuser behind. Insecurely attached adults have an internalised notion of themselves as being somehow responsible for the lack of love and fair treatment from their partner. They don't consciously choose to be abused but they enable the abusive partner, who is also insecurely attached. Abused partners often have attachment wounds that makes it more difficult for them to set boundaries or to assert themselves.In addition to looking at the impact of insecure attachment we also discuss another important factor that explains why people stay in abusive relationships: the traumatic bond that acts as the 'superglue' between abuser and abused partner. When we are feeling threatened we all have a natural tendency to run towards the person who is closest to us- even if that person is responsible for the very threat in the first place.


There is often surprise and lack of understanding for individuals who are staying in relationships where they are at the receiving end of abuse. Abuse in this context can take many forms, for example being controlled by the partner, belittled, shouted down or physically assaulted. Friends may repeatedly suggest to the abused partner to leave the relationship; they may then get frustrated with the abused friend if the advice is not acted on.

Attachment theory offers a useful explanation for the dynamics in abusive relationships. Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby to describe human beings’ strong need to develop close relationships and to attach to particular others in their life. Bowlby described attachment as an innate behavioural system that promotes the survival of human beings. He observed different behaviour patterns in babies when they were under threat as well as the responses by the babies’ primary caregivers. Infants whose caregivers respond to their distress are soothed and develop an understanding of the world that others are there to make them feel safe and secure in the world. Infants whose caregivers regularly ignore their distress will either crank up their crying until there finally is a response or they will give up. In both instances, these infants will develop a very insecure sense of themselves in the world. Insecure attachment finds expression either through an anxious preoccupation with getting attention from the caregiver or an avoidant dismissive stance of not needing any attention at all.

In 1987 Hazan and Shaver applied the principles of attachment theory to adult relationships. They observed that both partners in a relationship regard the other as the principle source for providing security and safety. If their partner is consistently responsive to their needs the other partner will feel largely secure and reassured. A partner who has had consistent experiences of insecure attachments as a child and young adult is likely to form very strong attachment bonds with others even if the quality of these relationships is very poor. Perversely anxiety and fear can lead to an even stronger attachment even if the source of the threat is the very person the partner seeks refuge in. Insecurely attached adults usually have an internalised notion of themselves as being somehow to blame for the lack of love from their partner. They are therefore likely to try very hard to gain approval. This sense of unworthiness leads to a deep-seated sense of shame. In a young child the threat of abandonment by a parent evokes terror; in the insecure adult, this sense of dependency and vulnerability gets fused into shame. As insecurely adults lack a sense of self-worth they are

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode we are talking about effective, verbal communication in relationships. While there are many ways of expressing love and care most relationship experts would agree that talking effectively to each other is crucial in any form of relationship. We discuss how to set the scene for effective communication, how not to communicate and what you will need to address when communicating effectively. Learning to listen to your partner and expressing what you are experiencing are the key blocks of any form of communication.

Get additional podcast information on our podcast website by clicking here

We are always communicating with our partner - be it through words or gestures. Even when we are purposefully not communicating, we are sending a message across that we are frustrated, angry, punishing etc.
Talking to your partner is important. It's not the only way of building a good relationship; doing things together that you enjoy are also important. There are many ways of staying connected. In this episode our focus is on verbal communication.

How to communicate
Make time for each other to listen and express regularly. Establish clear rules for talking to each other if there is conflict. 
If there is a difficulty you want to address make sure that 

• you bring up the concern as soon as possible
• your partner is ready to receive you, i.e. not distracted by sending off another work email
• you bring up one concern at a time - don't overwhelm your partner with a shopping list of complaints
• don't bring up the past by saying 'you always', 'you never', '5 years ago...' - stick with the present
• you don't use blaming language. Start by letting your partner know what you are experiencing. Use 'I feel...' statements.

How not to communicate
Avoid the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse - attitudes and behaviours that research of the John Gottman Institute found particularly undermining in relationships:

Criticism - attacking your partner regularly. Not critiquing or expressing your frustration but having a go with at your partner with all round attacks such as 'why are you always so...', 'you're the type of person..., 'you never...'

Contempt - putting your partner down and being mean with the intention to insult and hurt. Feeling morally superior. This is the single most predictor of relationships heading for separation.

Defensiveness - usually happens in response to criticism. Seeing yourself as the victim who is under attack. Denying any form of responsibility.

Stonewalling - often in response to contempt. Withdrawing completely from the conversation by changing the subject, being monosyllabic or leaving the room.

What to talk about
 In order to understand where your partner is coming from or indeed gaining insight into your own ways of feeling and thinking, having a conversation with your partner helps to address

• expectations 
  • what are your underlying assumptions about relationships, what do you want your partner to do or not do
  • what are your boundaries and when do they get crossed
  • what values you both hold
• clarifications
  • what did you or your partner mean when they said or did a certain thing - what was their intention
• frustrations
  • letting your partner know how a certain behaviour, statement or action impacts on you. 
• love affirmations
  • telling your partner how you feel about them. Not taking it for granted that your partner knows how much you love them.

Remember that communication is always about connection. Even when you argue you do so because you are seeking connection.

 
We are constantly adding more and mo

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode, we're exploring nine of the most commonly rated relationship issues that people experience and the steps you can take to address these issues. You may experience one or more of these issues at different times in your relationship. We'll explore these issues and also strategies to help you overcome them.

The biggest challenges people tend to face in relationships that we discuss in this episode are:

1. Lack of effort/Taking the partner for granted: your enthusiasm for your partner has faded over a period of time, other demands take over and you have become more distant from each other. You don't regularly check in with each other and there is a lack of communication.

2. Emotional Fusion: You are too enmeshed with each other and struggle to have a sense of separateness and independence in your relationship.

3. Stress: one or both of you are struggling with the demands of work, childcare or other chores that need doing. You are each wrapped up in trying to manage this stress and lack capacity to focus on the needs of your partner and/or the relationship.

4. Overwhelmed by partner's demands: you may struggle to meet your partner's demands and experience them as too critical. You feel that your partner is constantly nagging and/or requiring too much attention.

5. Parenting related issues: you may struggle to adjust to the new reality of becoming first time parents and the associated tasks. Or you may have different ideas to do with parenting, e.g. with regards to discipline or education.

6. Sexual desire/physical contact: you may have different ideas about the frequency or nature of your sexual and physical intimacy. One of you may want more, the other less sexual/physical contact.

7. Wider family relationships: you may struggle with your partner's relationship with parents or siblings. There may be a sense that their influence is not a positive one and you may not like them very much. Conversely you may find it difficult that your partner does not like your family. There may be too much or too little contact.

8. Addiction problems:  one or both partners struggle with addictions issues, e.g. alcohol, drugs or porn addiction. In addition to the dependency of the partner with the addiction issue, there is often a need to consider co-dependency related issues of the other partner.

9. Infidelity: one or both partners is having an affair. Unless there is an agreement by both partners that it's ok to not be monogamous, infidelity seriously shakes up a relationship and often leads to separation. It is considered a serious boundary violation. Infidelity can be survived by the couple but requires careful consideration.

We've recently been told we are one of the top relationship podcasts in the UK! Check out https://blog.feedspot.com/uk_relationship_podcasts/

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.